Love Is Fear (14 page)

Val brushed her hair, put on lipstick and dashed downstairs. She opened the door and there on the porch, leaning against the wooden porch rail, arms crossed, was Lucas. In the flesh.

Oh, that flesh
.

He looked very modern. Black jeans and a black t-shirt that was beautifully tight and showcased the hard muscles of his arms. And his hair, still with a hint of curl, was disheveled in a way that she wouldn’t have thought happened naturally. Did he spend a lot of time on his hair?

“
Hey.” 
That was dumb
.

“
Hey,” he said back, but the way he said it sounded more ironic and had a soft accent in the undercurrent. Made even that crappy, inferior little word sound sexy.

Man am I in trouble now. 
She scowled. 
Modern language. Modern look. WTF?

“
Would you like to discuss this somewhere else? We could have dinner? New York? Paris? Tell me where you would like to go.”

She was going to say no, but then stopped. He could, and would, take her to dinner anywhere in the world? 
Wow. That’s fracking hot
. “Do something jerk-like,” she grumbled.

“
Excuse me?”

Her shoulders slumped. “No, don’t take me anywhere…nice. Just come in—”

“
No. Do not invite me in.” He’d thrown out a hand towards her like he could stop her speaking with a gesture.

“
Okay. I hadn’t thought that would pose a problem. Sorry,” she said, oddly discombobulated.

Lucas came closer to her, didn’t touch her, just looked at her carefully, like she was somehow different than he expected. He came close enough that she would have had to tilt her head up to keep eye contact. She couldn’t help it—she shifted back a little, keeping an extra few inches between them. The hollow of his throat was right in front of her face.

Lip level.

She stared at his mouth and his the carefully neutral expression. She wanted to make him smile, frown, press his lips together like he was flustered, too. If she kissed him, she could wipe that bland expression from him.

“
I want to talk about what has happened. And you should never invite a vampire into your home.” He sounded paternal and distant.

She shooed him away, and he stepped back, watching as she closed the door behind her and came outside. “Fine, we can go on a walk around the block.”

He nodded and turned away from her, gliding down the steps gracefully, his tread light. Lucas paused on the walkway and looked back at her, fingers opening like he was going to help her down the steps, but then stopped and faced away from her, clasping his hands behind his back instead. He actually shook his head like he was disgusted.

At me
.

God, this was awkward. Cold sweat, a stomach in knots. And him! He seemed almost… uncertain now. And while she was happy to confess that she’d had many a fantasy of him being as wrong footed as she was, now that she was experiencing it… it sucked. It didn’t make her happy at all. She liked his ego and swagger.

Did I do that to him? 
She couldn’t believe she had that kind of power. 
Make up your mind, moron—did you crush him or does he not care?

“
So, how have you been?” she asked, desperate for some connection. She couldn’t feel what he was thinking at all. If she tried to reach for him in that vague magicky way, it was like groping a rock. He was inert. They made it to the end of the sidewalk in front of her house, and she watched him hungrily as he looked at everything around him—everything except her. Lucas didn’t stare at her like she stared at him.

He doesn’t care. That’s which one it is.

It was dark outside. The trees appeared black and she could see the big dipper up in the sky twinkling down at her. She heard a dog barking down the street, the sound of a car driving by, and it was like normal life.

He put his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, stood ramrod straight and looked bored. It expanded his chest, stretched the material a little bit, and she knew she was ogling him as he looked away from her.

Was he doing it on purpose? Giving her a chance to see the goods and all that she’d passed up, because he knew how much she wanted him?

His voice cut through the night, startling her. “After all my years, you would think I would have patience, but I do not. Speak what you mean to say. Do not attempt to spare my feelings or drag this out. Why have you changed your mind about Roanoke so soon?”

He crossed his arms again, his gaze resting on her face for a moment as he adjusted his stance. Setting his feet slightly apart while he waited. It made him a little shorter, now her eye level was his lips, not the hollow of his neck. Not actually that helpful. Just easier to reach.

She crossed her arms and realized they were mimicking each other. Some seriously closed-off posturing.

Lucas stared at the ground for a moment, and then his light blue eyes, which looked dark in the nighttime, came back to hers. Sliced her open from sternum to stomach, the look was so sharp.

She couldn’t look at him. “Finding the Fey will help humans, right? Keep the vampires in check?”

“
If they are alive, yes.”

“
That’s important. So, let’s do it.”

“
This is not your idea,” he said flatly.

“
How the hell do you know?” 
Defensive much? 
But he was right—it wasn’t her idea.

“
He
 wants you to do this. Where is he? Why is he not here with you? I find it odd he would let you meet with me alone,” Lucas said, a warmth to his words that was far from sexual. She flushed and hoped he couldn’t see it. “Jack doesn’t know. He’s out tonight.”

Lucas looked away from her, brought his arms up, lacing his fingers behind his head. It made him taller, stretched his form out, lifting just the edge of his shirt so that a small amount of flesh was exposed.

She could see the very top of his hip bones, that pale, smooth skin, his stomach muscles that rippled and jutted out in cut lines. That gap was so small, and yet her reaction was huge. Her stomach fluttered, her hands opened, ready to reach out and touch him. Desire coiled through her, pooling in her core, making her damp. Ready. Wet.

Her desire to touch him was totally out of proportion to what—and how much—of him was exposed.

She wanted to strip him bare. Be with him here and now.
You’re in the middle of the damned street, you horny moron.

God, she wanted him. Oh, to put her palms on his waist. She’d heard his voice and her breath had been short. She’d seen him and she’d felt wet. But now, now that he was here and his body was on display, she needed him inside of her. It was a question of sanity, a fix for her addiction.

She took a step closer to him, and he took a step back, voice controlled but dark, scraping over her harshly. “You do not get us both. Is that why you wait until he is away?”

She jerked upright, desire put on simmer. “No!”

“
Then what? Explain.” He really didn’t sound like he wanted to hear what she had to say.

She started walking. Wouldn’t have this conversation while staring into his eyes and feeling horrifyingly vulnerable. She’d walk down the street feeling horribly vulnerable instead. “It’s over between Jack and me. We tried but he—” She couldn’t speak. It was so embarrassing. So humiliating how quickly things had fallen apart. She blinked back tears.

“
He is sending you to the Fey.”

She nodded.

“
And so it is done?”

She nodded again. “It’s so stupid, but no one wants me for 
me
. No one will put me first. My safety or my happiness. I’ve got two stupidly hot guys who want my body, but that’s not enough. I couldn’t even get the tiniest violin to play a pity song for me because I’m so pathetic.”

They had been walking slowly down the street. And it was only fitting that her feet should stop, rooted to the ground in misery, right in front of this one particular house. It wasn’t grand. It was quaint. Four bedrooms, a doggy door, and a green lawn the husband was probably militant about.

It had a big backyard and a pool. “I used to babysit for them—the people who live in this house.” She inclined her head towards the house, saw him turn to look at it. “I used to envy them. After I put the kids to bed, they’d come home…and they were so happy. It was so different than what I had. And I always wondered…if my mom had lived, if that’s how my life would have been.”

Val sat down on the curb, her head in her hands, feeling overwhelmed with sadness and despair. But she wanted him to know and understand. 
Why? So he knows what you are giving up every time you see him? In hopes that he will leave you alone and go live his cold emotionless existence somewhere else?

“
My father…he took down all her pictures after she died. They were gone for years. When I found them again and saw what she looked like, I was surprised that she didn’t look like the lady I babysat for. I hung one up in the dining room, and my dad—when he’s home…I mean, when he 
was
 home—” There was a deep, painful sob lurking in her chest. It felt like a baseball shoved in her throat, and she tried to keep it inside, swallowing it back. “He wouldn’t even look at it.”

Valerie stood, ready to keep going, keep walking. Walk away from this house, from all the memories and do what she ought to do. Go with him to find the Fey. Shut the door on the life she had always wanted. That was a fantasy. People didn’t get their fantasies. She needed to grow a pair and get over it.

And then Lucas was in front of her, his large body blocking out her view of the house, the street, the night. He was so close, she couldn’t see anything else besides him. His hands were flush along her jaw, thumbs stroking her cheek, tilting her to look up into his eyes. She could feel his heat, smell his cologne. The space between them was charged, like that little space between magnets, forced close together. The very molecules between them buzzing.

His words were guttural and thick, like he was just as in the moment as she was. Wanted her just as much as she wanted him. And like he wanted her to remember this moment and him.

“
I
 can keep you safe. I can give you more than any man ever could.” His mouth was close to hers, each word bringing him a little closer. If she leaned forward at all, he’d be kissing her.

She felt his pause and restraint. 
What is he waiting for?
She wanted him to kiss her, take her away from that house and what she couldn’t have, give her something else to make everything worthwhile.

“
Pleasure and lust…but not love,” she said softly. It broke her heart.

“
I can do this:I can make you happy. I will be attentive, cherish you and take care of you. I will put no one above you. These are not trivial things.”

“
I know.” Tears slid down her cheeks, and his face dipped in, kissing them away. He made a sound deep in his chest that felt so sincere and honest she wanted to drop every hesitation and give in to him. She pulled back a little, stepping away, but he followed her, didn’t let her go.

“
But I will love you,” she said. “That’s the real problem. I will fall in love with you, and 
every
 day I’ll know you’re not in love with me.”

He kissed her chastely on the lips. Then again and again. Each time a little longer, a little harder, his body moving closer and closer to hers. “I’m sorry. Truly I am,” he said, so close their noses touched.

She could smell mint on his breath and, in a way, that made it worse—because it told her he knew how this was going to end. No objection of hers would sway him. He was going to kiss her.

He looked at her fiercely, the words barely above a heavy whisper. “I told you I would not let you go. You have come back, and now you are 
mine
.” His hand fisted into her hair at the nape of her neck.

A sign of his possession. It also reminded her how easy it would be for him to hurt her. Physically. Emotionally.

He can hurt me anytime he wants to. That’s what love is
, her mind whispered as though it were a coy secret. 
Love is passion. Love is fear. Love is darkness
.

She’d throw everything away for him if she wasn’t careful. No family, no white picket fence, just a destructive love that would end in death. Nothing was forever. Not even vampires, no matter what they claimed. Maybe that was what love was.

Mortal.

“
How do you know it will not be love?” he said. “I will do everything I can, and it will be so close to love, you will never know the difference.”

He was suddenly blurry as tears swamped her eyes. Val kept her eyes closed, like this was her last chance to keep herself together, keep pieces of herself just for 
her
. He’d take everything he could see and, if he could see into her eyes, he’d take her soul too. So she squeezed them tight, but felt her body collapse under the weight of…what? Fate? Stupidity? An error so large it would be her death warrant?