Love Is a Secret (21 page)

33

One day, the kids will leave home.

Fish oil can definitely improve concentration.

Two facts that applied to all children. Except hers and every other poor kid in the same boat.
What Mums Know
was all very well but it lived in an ideal world. What would
they
do if they had a Josh situation? Maybe she should ask them. Maybe she should have a couple of fish-oil tablets herself, especially today.

The doorbell rang just as she’d slipped into a comfortable pair of flat shoes. That had been Joy’s advice when she’d confided what she was doing. ‘Mrs Thomas?’

Susan nodded. Beyond the gate, she could see the car with its ‘we aim to pass’ sign on top. Encouraging.

‘Ready for your first lesson, then?’

‘Well, it’s not exactly my first,’ she reminded him, ‘but I think I’ve forgotten everything I learned before.’

‘Don’t worry about that.’ He was a small, wiry man, who almost bounced along the path in front of her. ‘It’ll come back. Just you see. The name’s Joe, by the way.’ He waited expectantly.

‘Sue,’ said Susan. A vision of Steff shot into her mind. Yes, she would be Sue. A new woman. Different from Susan.

She squeezed into the driving seat, embarrassed by how much room she was taking up – she was almost touching Joe. Had she put on more weight? ‘That’s right. Now, Sue, I want to run through a few basics first to see what you remember.’

By the end of the first lesson (a double, which cost Susan as much as she’d earned last week at Green & Co), Joe didn’t seem quite so chipper.

‘We need to watch our gears, don’t we, Sue?’ he remarked, as they drove past the new swimming-pool. ‘When you slow down, you should end up in second, not fourth. And keep watching those mirrors.’

There was so much to take in, but this time she had to do it. She needed to be able to drive for Tabitha’s sake, as well as for work. Their lives had become very isolated; she could see that from the excited expression on her daughter’s face when she returned from a jaunt to the cinema or town with Josh and Steff. Susan wanted to be able to do that with her too, and she reproached herself for not having passed her test years ago.

She had a good half-hour to compose herself before the bus brought Tabitha home from school. She’d left the computer on – her father was always telling her not to do that – and checked to see if anyone had replied. It was too soon of course but . . .

Yes!

From Earth Mother to Rainbow: Why not tell him the truth? You must have been mad at him to say what you did on the radio. Tell him you needed to get that anger out. Then sit down and tell each other how you really feel. Try to reach a compromise for the sake of your daughter. It might be too late to get you back together again. But it will make life a lot easier if you’re not spitting at each other.

Sensible advice. But would Josh listen? Still, thought Susan, as she walked down the path in time to see Tabitha’s bus pulling up, it was worth a try.

‘Fantastic, Susie!’ enthused Simon, the following weekend when she told him about the lessons. ‘It will make a huge difference if you can drive. I might be able to put you up for the mid-week vacancy.

It’s only Wednesday mornings but we do need someone with wheels.’

‘But it’ll take me at least three months to get my test,’ said Susan. ‘I haven’t even done my theory yet.’

‘I’d forgotten about that – didn’t have it in my day, luckily. Never mind, we’ll have something we can offer you, I’m sure. You’re a natural at this game. By the way, I like your hair. Just had it done, have you?’

Susan flushed. ‘I wasn’t sure if layers would suit me but the hairdresser talked me into it.’

‘She was right.’ Simon nodded approvingly.

Susan beamed. Going back to work was the best thing she’d ever done. Apart from anything else, she had more patience with Tabitha because she wasn’t stuck at home all the time. And she liked the company of the other girls in the office: one of them had recommended the hairdresser.

‘Ever tried to Google your own name, Susie?’ Simon asked, later in the afternoon, when he’d taken her back to the office to pick something up and it was quiet.

‘No – doesn’t it just bring up famous people?’

‘You’d be amazed. Look. If I put in my name, it shows that I’m a senior negotiator for Green and Co – see? And if I put in yours . . .’

She wanted to stop him but it was too late.

‘Well, blow me!’ He stared at the screen. ‘It’s brought up an article from the local rag. What’s this you’ve been getting yourself involved in? A campaign to save the centre that’s going to close down? I heard about that march – couldn’t bloody well park in town because of it.’

‘My daughter goes to the centre,’ said Susan quietly. ‘She’s disabled. I don’t know what we’ll do if it shuts.’

‘You poor girl.’ He drew her to him and gave her a brief hug, patting her back. ‘I had no idea. You should have told me.’

‘I just wanted to be normal,’ said Susan, sniffing.

Slightly to her disappointment, he let her go. ‘I understand that.’ His pale blue eyes held hers. ‘I really do. How bad is she?’

‘Well, she can’t talk very clearly, or walk very well so she’s in a wheelchair. But she’s really bright and can use the computer, although it takes her longer than most people.’

‘That’s incredible.’ He brushed her shoulder, as though he were flicking off a piece of fluff. ‘I bet you’re an amazing mum.’

‘Well . . .’

‘Don’t argue. I can tell you are. Warm, caring and affectionate. What more could anyone ask?’

Susan didn’t know what to say. He was still talking and seemed unaware of her awkwardness. ‘Now, how about a quick drink?’

‘Sorry.’ She’d have liked to, she really would, but it was hopeless. ‘I’ve got to get back to Tabitha.’

‘Of course. Another time, then?’

She smiled. ‘That would be lovely.’

The following Saturday, Josh was still distinctly off-hand and Steff cool, but without being hostile. Susan tried to say something but they whisked Tabitha away without giving her a chance. She wasn’t staying the night, Susan still wasn’t ready for her to do that every weekend, but she had to admit that the arrangement helped her as much as Tabitha. She spent the day showing more couples round two more new developments, both of which were within half an hour’s walking distance of home. With any luck, she might lose more weight with all the exercise.

That evening, Tabitha came back, proudly clutching a drawing of geometric shapes in bright primary colours. ‘Redredred,’ she said, beaming. ‘Blueblueblue.’

Susan was astounded. ‘We’ve been working on her colours but she’s never been as clear as that before.’

Steff was pleased. ‘I got some shapes from Occupational Therapy at the hospital and we spent ages doing it, didn’t we, Tabs?’

Susan felt a stab of jealousy. It wasn’t fair. She, too, had spent ages trying to do the same thing but Steff had got the result.

‘Listen, there’s something I need to say.’ She tried to remember Earth Mother’s sensible words. ‘I’m sorry I said what I did on the radio but I suppose it was because I was angry. And I still am.’ She glowered at Josh. ‘I said Tabitha shouldn’t have had the MMR, I told you I was worried about it, but you always think you know best. And if you’d listened to me, she wouldn’t be like this.’

‘You don’t know that, Susan.’ Steff’s eyes flashed. ‘There isn’t any evidence.’

‘I don’t need evidence. I’m her mother. I know it.’

‘I think she’s right,’ Josh said quietly. ‘I know we can’t prove anything but that was when Tabs changed – after she had the jab. And that’s why I had to leave. Don’t you see? I felt so terribly guilty.’

His eyes glistened with tears and somehow Susan was reaching out to touch his arm. ‘Why didn’t you listen to me?
Why?
’

‘Dad, Dad. Mum, Mum.’

Susan gasped. She’d never before heard Tabitha say both at the same time. It was agonisingly poignant, and automatically she looked at Steff.

Steff smiled. ‘Susan – and Josh – if this is going to work, we’ve got to put all this behind us. For Tabitha’s sake. Don’t you think?’

Susan sat down heavily next to her daughter. None of this was meant to have happened to her, none of it. But it had, and now it was time to deal with it, fairly and squarely. She had to stop feeling angry with Josh. He had only been trying to do his best for their daughter. And, besides, although she hated to admit it, she could see that her daughter was benefiting emotionally from having a father. And, although it made her feel terrible to acknowledge it, Joy was right. It was good for her, too, to have some time to herself.

‘Yes.’ She nodded, drawing Tabitha to her. ‘Yes, I agree.’

‘Josh?’

Susan watched with grudging admiration as Steff forced him to reply. She could handle him in a way that Susan had never been able to.

He nodded. ‘So do I.’

‘Good.’ Steff’s head bobbed up and down. ‘Well we must be getting off now. We’re going to the gym.’ She glanced pitifully at Susan’s baggy skirt.

Suddenly Susan felt fat and dowdy, wishing, too late, that she’d changed out of the skirt which hid the joyous fact she’d lost five pounds through running up and down stairs at work.

‘Jimjimjim,’ demanded Tabitha.

‘Not us, Tabs. We can’t go to the gym. But you’ll see Dad and Steff next weekend.’

‘You certainly will,’ beamed Steff. ‘By the way, how’s the campaign going?’

Susan grimaced. ‘Not great. We’ve been trying to get the paper to run another piece but they don’t want to do anything until there’s a new angle, apparently. The council are meeting before Christmas to make their final decision.’

‘Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed. Now we must get going or the gym will be shut. See you soon!’

Tabitha spent the rest of the evening, saying, ‘Jimjim,’ plaintively.

I’d like to go to the gym too, thought Susan, ruefully, if I could afford the membership fee. But what about swimming? When she’d browsed through the Weight Watchers site the other day, she was struck by how much weight some women had lost through exercise. She passed the new pool during almost every driving lesson. It was on the bus route and she could go when Tabitha was at school. Until now it had seemed self-centred to do something for herself when Tabitha’s life was so messed up. But that pitying look on Steff’s face had triggered something. Losing a mere five pounds wasn’t enough. It was time to re-evaluate her life.

The following week, Susan had been at the Acacia Grove show houses all day when she heard Simon’s car draw up outside. Good, she thought. She could do with some company. Now it was almost autumn, there were fewer viewers, and she’d switched all the office lights on at four o’clock, nearly two hours ago. She was in no rush to get home: this weekend, Tabitha was staying over with Josh and Steff and the thought of her empty house was intimidating, as was the walk back, even though she’d brought a torch. She was cold too; the new blouse she’d bought for work was thin and a bit lower at the neck than she’d thought.

‘Hi.’ Simon walked in. ‘There you are, Susie! Thought you might like a lift.’

‘Thanks.’ Susan picked up her coat and slipped her mobile, which had run out of battery again, into her bag. ‘It’s been very quiet, I’m afraid.’

‘Not your fault. Or mine. The market’s slowing down for Christmas – but our MD doesn’t like it.’

Susan felt concerned. She’d heard Simon and a couple of the others talking about how bad the market was and that there were bound to be cutbacks. She hoped she wouldn’t be one of them.

‘What about the Joneses? They came in twice today and said they were going to the office to see you.’

He shook his head ruefully and she became aware of a stale alcohol smell that she remembered from the early Josh days. ‘Never showed up. None of us will get our bonuses this Christmas if things don’t improve. Here, let me help you with your coat.’

‘It’s all right.’

His hand brushed her right breast (a mistake, surely?) and she edged away. ‘Simon, I said I can manage.’

‘You’re a lovely woman, Susie. Do you know that?’

Oh, God, he
was
drunk.

She stepped backwards and fell over a Regency-striped chair.

‘Please, Simon, don’t. I’m not ready for that kind of thing.’

‘Not ready?’ He grinned. ‘I think you are. I think you’re gagging for it. A woman like you on your own for – how many years? I’m doing you a favour.’

He lunged at her, ripping her blouse. The shock took her by surprise. Simon fancied her? Surely not. In a blur, she recalled the flirty way he had talked to her in the office and the way he put his hand on her back when she went through a door in front of him. But that didn’t mean anything, did it? Or had she been horribly naïve?

‘No – I said no!’ Oh, my God – he was coming towards her!