Love Blind (11 page)

A big part of me didn't think he'd do it.

“I don't . . .” He held the notebook. Clutched it.

I snatched it and flipped through. Page after page of tiny writing. My jaw dropped. “Ho-ly . . . Did you do all of this?”

He grabbed it back before there was any chance of me focusing on his tiny script, and pulled a page from the back. But the single page seemed like nothing compared to the nearly filled notebook.

“What
is
all that?”

He scowled. “Do you want the list or not?”

“Wow, Kyle. You really don't want me seeing that. That's your writing, huh? I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself like that.”

“So . . . uh . . . the list.”

I started to reach for the paper, but wondered how long it'd take me to read his writing. “Go ahead. You can read it.”

He cleared his throat, and then we sat in silence.

Silence. Silence. Silence.

“I'm not asking you to
sing
it, Kyle. Read already.”
Don't make me admit to you that I don't think I can.

“Learntodriveastick. Askforaletter ofrecfrom ateacherat-school. Getthenumberof agirl in history. TalktoPavel about freshman . . .”

But he stopped.

We sat in silence for another moment, until I couldn't handle it anymore.

“You like a girl? No wonder you won't have sex with me.” I grinned. “She'd better get how cool you are.”

He stared down, and the paper shook a bit.

“I don't see why driving a stick would be scary; cars are almost never sticks anymore, so why would you even worry about learning? But whatever, that's cool. . . . At least you could cross it off, you know? Maybe it has more to do with you being afraid of
not
having that skill. Which, again, you don't need, but sure, fine. I can appreciate that. I mean, driving's sort of out altogether for me, so . . .” I wanted to give him hell over the list, but I couldn't. I hated it when I knew I'd be crossing a boundary and made myself stop. It went against everything Hailey.

“And you should put ‘Making a friend' on there, and then cross it off.” I kicked his foot with mine.

He nodded once.
Geez, Kyle. Always with the nodding.

“So. What happened with Pavel?”

I
sort of expected it. I'd put it on the list and I'd brought the list over, even if I didn't think I was going to share it. And I said it out loud, even though I didn't say everything on the list. But there, in that minute, in her room, the words choked me worse than they ever had. Her big blinking eyes behind her glasses as thick as Coke bottles. It was sort of too much. Too much brokenness, and I wasn't ready to admit I sucked as Pavel's friend.

“It's not really my story to tell,” I said.

“Screw that. You put it on your list, and you wanna talk to him about it. So start with me. It's easier. And I don't know Pavel, so it won't mean anything to me.”

I stared at her long legs leading into her boots. Girl-band boots. Ass-kicking and sexy all at once. Boots with a cut-off
skirt and tank top. Jesus, what was she trying to prove with this Chaz? My hands shoved themselves into my pockets and balled into fists. Awkward with how I was sitting, but I didn't want her to see them shaking so bad.

“I don't know where to start,” I managed to choke out. Everything was too thick, heavy and warm and loaded. Her sad white walls almost burned my retinas, and I eyed the door for my escape. Flashes of Pavel pushed into my brain, and I blinked over and over. Maybe holding back tears.

Then I was talking. More than I'd talked to anyone. Blurting out the story of Pavel being on varsity soccer because he was so good as a freshman, had played in Russia since he was three, and the guys who came into the locker room with ski masks on and held him down and rammed a plunger up his ass and made me watch while I screamed. While Pavel screamed. While they laughed and I fought and got the shit kicked out of me. And Pavel shut down and stopped moving and I screamed louder and bled more.

Hailey pulled a thin, worn blanket around the two of us, wrapped her arms around me, and cried. Said it was the blanket that saved her as a kid. That still saved her when everything sucked. Told me I was a good fucking friend, even though I was actually worthless. She squeezed me so tight I thought I'd stop breathing and fall off the world and into her and it would finally, finally be okay, because sometimes people needed to be held so hard they hurt.

“Fuck, Kyle,” she said eventually. “And you guys haven't talked about it?”

I shook my head because all the words were gone now. I had nothing else to give. Her arms loosened, but the blanket still rested over our shoulders.

“How is he now?” she said after I'd sopped her shirt with tears that I didn't really deserve to shed.

I choke-laughed. “He's Pavel. That's the thing. He's Pavel. He's fine, as if this was just another thing he had to deal with. It was totally messed up and he was in the hospital and his parents pulled him from school and he has to help teach his little sisters and everything. But he's fine. He reads
Cosmo
and wishes for girls and he's fine. I don't get it. I'm a wreck and Pavel is fine.”

She put her hands on both my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut so that I wouldn't have to look at her beautiful broken eyes. But she tapped her finger along my jaw until I opened them and she released her warm breath along my face.

“This was good, Kyle. Hard. But good that you told me. And maybe Pavel is fine. Maybe he's not and he needs you to be a better friend. Show up more. Be present, you know?
Talk
.” She smirked a little.

I nodded. He did deserve it. Deserved more than that.

She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “But he wasn't the only victim in this shit. You were too.”

I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing happened to me.”

She clucked her tongue and brushed a tear off my cheek. We were too close. I needed to extricate myself. From her warmth and her smell and her beautiful eyes. I shifted back, out from beneath the blanket, and she let me go.

“Something did happen to you. But now it's out. And I know. You've told a friend. And, holy hell, I can't believe you couldn't tell me your name when I first asked, and you trusted me with that.” She paused, but only for a sec. “What happened to the guys? Do I want to know?”

“What you'd expect. Nothing. No one copped to it. School buried it. I didn't want to keep fighting. Pavel's parents didn't want to be a spectacle. They never talk about it, I don't think. My mom . . .” I shrugged. Didn't really know how to explain “got worse.”

She pressed her glasses back up her face and nodded. “Yeah. So everyone at school turned a blind eye and that's why your face was messed up the other day?”

“Yep. Easy prey. Marked.”

Before she could say anything more, her dark-haired mom popped her head into the doorway. No knock, just a
click
, and then she was there.

“Dinner in five. Kyle, you sure you don't want to stay?”

I swiped at my face and Hailey rolled the blanket into a ball. “Nah. I've got a lot of homework. I've been here too long anyway. Thanks, though.”

She nodded and gave Hailey a pointed look. “Say your
good-byes, then. And next time, keep the door open when your boyfriend's over.”

I laughed. “I'm hardly her boyfriend. She's got Chaz.”

Hailey kicked me. Hard.
Crap.
They didn't know about Chaz. Of course. I should have considered it. Older guy. Bouncer. Even cool lesbian moms couldn't get behind something like that.

“I thought Chaz was Tess's guy?” her mom said.

“Well . . .” Hailey did the deer-in-headlights thing again, and if I was at all capable of it, I would've smiled at how funny she was with her moms. So different than she was with me or anyone else.

Her mom looked at me, but I dropped my gaze to my feet and kept my mouth shut. Easy for me—safe, familiar.

“Are you absolutely sure you can't stay for dinner?” her mom asked again, and I shook my head. I wanted to, but I didn't have the energy for a family dinner, particularly one that would clearly involve grilling. It'd been months since Mom and I had eaten together. I couldn't stand the thought of Hailey's sympathetic eyes blinking at me through an entire meal. Plus, after everything, the least I could do was call Pavel. Say something. Even if it didn't really mean anything to him now, too many years later.

“No. Thank you, though.”

She nodded and pointed to Hailey before holding her five fingers out and signaling upstairs.

“Sorry,” I mumbled as soon as she had left.

Hailey let out a loud sigh and flopped against the side of her bed. “I probably should have mentioned the moms don't know about Chaz. It's kind of code not to talk about personal stuff with other people's parents, but I guess you don't have much experience with that sort of thing, huh?”

“I've talked more in the last half hour than I have in the last month,” I said.

“Yeah. I believe that. You should do more of it. Talking. You have a nice voice. It'd be a good deejay voice. How many times do I need to say this before you do something about it?” She leaned forward, staring.

When I didn't say anything, she shrugged and wrapped her hand into mine. “Okay, then, Friend Kyle. Lots of shit to process today. I'm glad you brought your list over. And I want to discuss this writing thing of yours someday soon. And keep at the list. Add more stuff.”

“We haven't talked about all of yours. Maybe I could help with . . . I mean, not the sex thing.” Though at the moment, I couldn't think of one damn thing I wanted more. “But other stuff.”

“I'm gonna get back to you on the spider thing.” She squeezed my hand again and still didn't drop it. “And, you know, even if I offended you, the sex thing remains on the table.”

I swallowed. She had no idea what she was saying. My stomach tied itself into a huge knot. I was such an amateur
with girls. Dick-shifting Chaz had way more experience than me. I'd end up disappointing Hailey. I wanted to have sex with her so much my junk nearly hopped when I thought about it. But the practical side of me understood my limitations better than anyone.

“Well, until I find the guts to go somewhere else, or it happens in the moment . . . ,” she continued with a shrug. “I get that you're one of those guys who think girls want it to be special, but I'm pretty sure I don't care. Not for the first one. Maybe after I get good at it, I'll care. I don't know. Anyway. Point is, if you want, I'd have sex with you. You'd be a good candidate. Probably not an asshole about it. And you wouldn't care if I did it all wrong because you'd be in the same boat. I bet you'd even give me a card or something afterward.”

A card? This girl. I shook my head. “I . . . I don't think so, Hailey. But thanks.”

“Maybe you like History Girl too much to want to do it with me,” she said when we reached the top of the steps. “Or maybe you're not sure after everything that happened with Pavel. I get that.”

I released her hand and turned to her before we entered the kitchen. “Neither. History Girl . . . well, she's the only one who's ever said hi to me in class. It's stupid. But she noticed when I was out sick.”

Hailey nodded. “Yeah. She's probably into you. Nice job.”

I shook my head. “Doubt it. But still, it'd be a big deal to
get her number. Maybe even meet her somewhere for coffee.”

“It would,” Hailey agreed, and started tapping her hands against her cut-off skirt. “Not quite sex, though.”

It was the weirdest afternoon ever. All the stuff about Pavel and the tears and the list and the sex. God, the sex. I was so close to Hailey I could lean forward and touch my lips to hers. But I'd never even kissed a girl, and Hailey was dating a bouncer who could pummel me into a pea-size stain on the sidewalk. “Hailey. I'm not Chaz. And I couldn't ever be that for you.”

She shrugged. “Huh. Well. Whatever. It's out there if you change your mind.”

I slipped by her and waved at her moms as I left the kitchen. My feet couldn't get me out of the front door fast enough. Everything. Every single thing that normally ran through my lonely brain had spilled out of me onto Hailey's dull tan carpet. And it hadn't freaked her out. She even wanted to have sex with me. Kind of.

The thoughts jostled around my mind as I slipped onto my bike and headed home. I had a friend. A real one. And like a complete asshole, I was probably gonna fall in love with her.

Y
ou know the drill.” Lila smiled over her plate of quinoa. “Give us the scoop on Kyle.”

Both the moms' attention was focused entirely on me. Dinner inquisition.

I didn't even know how to explain Kyle. He'd sort of come out of nowhere, but he'd gotten the list. We were friends. I mean, he'd done some serious sharing that afternoon, so we had to be friends. And I'd meant it when I told him I'd have sex with him. It was a joke at first, but the longer he stayed, the more I didn't think it was that much of a joke. Was it crazy that I'd been making out with Chaz and then offered that up? Probably. But Kyle felt
different
, and he made me curious. Most people weren't interesting enough to make me curious.

“We're friends,” I said.

“That's it?” Rox cocked a brow.

“Yeah.”

“Because it looked like you two were . . . together on the porch before we came home. And you're wearing makeup.” She pointed at me with her fork.

We all knew it was a big deal for me to wear makeup, because I couldn't do eyeliner or mascara by myself, at least not without making a mess of it. Tess had done it for me right after school because Chaz wanted to see me, and I'd promised to let him come over—especially since he wouldn't have to deal with meeting the moms if he didn't stay long.