Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) (34 page)

“He’s losing himself... Lost himself, or very nearly done so, anyway.”

Another pang in her heart. “So?” she said, unwilling to show this emotion.

“So I don’t want him to end up like me.”

Ellie just looked downwards, toying with the edges of the soft fabric. “Alone and scared and hopeless?”

The voice choked. “All of those. And more. But he’s on that path to where I am, that downward spiral.”

She paused. “And what if I don’t care what happens to him?”

“I thought that might be the case.” Now he was the one to pause. “But I think you care about the workers, though, despite what you feel about him.”

“What of them?”

“You care what happens to them. You care about helping them.”

“I do. But what does that have to do with Cal?”

“His work, helping these people, it’s his redemption. And it’s what will save him and keep him from ending up like me. I just wish I had realized that before I went and mucked it all up... But ever since that day you were hurt he doesn’t care about anything anymore, not the workers and certainly not himself…”

“
No,
” she said, trying to stand her ground but she was so confused and hurt that the word didn’t carry any weight. “No. I won’t help you with Cal.”

“Yes. You will. But you won’t do it for me or for him. You’ll do it for them.”

“What if I don’t believe you? What if—” She cleared the sobs from her tightening throat. “—what if I think this is all still just part of a lie?”

“But what if it’s not?”

Ellie closed her eyes and exhaled.
Yes. What if it’s not…

“That’s why you’ll help me. Because there’s a chance to help the workers.”

Ellie continued to look down at her hands. “But why can’t you help him or talk to him?”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life it’s that there are no mistakes, only lessons we can pass on to those who come after us. And that’s all I can offer to Cal. My lessons. There’s not enough of anything else left inside of me to give him...” When he paused Ellie looked to him and saw his lip tremble. “And I don’t like it. I still don’t like what he’s doing—the risks scare me to death, for both him and you—but if this is the price for him keeping his soul then so be it. Because I can’t bear for him to end up like this… like me. With nothing left but lessons for other people.”

“And what lessons do you have for him?”

Cal’s uncle sighed, slowly raising his shoulders up and down. “To follow his gut. Do what he knows is right no matter what other people say or do. And don’t doubt himself. The rest of the world will do that for him so he should spend his time on something that actually matters. Because if he doesn’t then he’ll regret it forever and by the time he reaches that feeling of regret the rest of him will be too far gone to ever find again…”

Ellie hesitated, understanding the pain and worry, feeling the deep sting in her belly as if the feelings were her own. “Why me? Why not someone else,
anyone
else?”

“Because there is no one else. And even if there was, even
when
there was, not one of them could get to him like you do. Not even Hart… And what I said about his work, about it being his redemption, the same is true about you: His work helps him even the score with the world; you help him even the score with himself.”

“What?” Ellie felt a breathless puff of air leave her body.

He
needs
me?

No.
No.
This wasn’t happening. She was only just beginning to come to terms with the idea that their connection—their magnetizing pull towards each other, the sensation of safety and awareness between them—was not real. It couldn’t be. He’d lied to her, deceived her in the most basic ways, stolen all hope and trust she held in herself and this world, and yet... Here she was, being told that the connection was real. That someone else saw what she felt. But it wasn’t enough to immediately change her mind about Cal. It wasn’t enough for everything to be alright again.

But it was enough to ignite her hope. In the reform for the workers. In herself. In something.
In anything.
And it was enough hope to convince her of what she had to do next.

She leaned against the table and crossed her arms, shaking. The wound was open again, bright and raw. But this hope was all she had left. She had to push through. She had to hope, she had to try, no matter the pain. “Alright. Tell me what you need me to do.”

“All I need is for you to convince him that he should take up his work again.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?”

“He seems to think now that he has nothing left to offer the world. That all he does is cause pain and suffering and that he’s not—that he’s not a good man.” His voice caught and broke. “Help him realize that’s not true.”

Great.
That should be perfectly easy… except for the tiny detail that Ellie didn’t know what was true either.

***

Everything was dark.

Cal didn’t remember falling asleep but he knew he must have because his eyes were closed. This happened a lot as of late, blurred memories, blank spots in his mind that he was afraid to fill so he’d stopped trying.

At the sound of the knocking his eyes flew open but everything was still just as black. He rubbed his eyes for a moment contemplating the karma that he could now be struck blind, but after a moment he realized that it was actually night-time and there was no lamp lit in his room.

The knocking continued but it was becoming more forceful now and Cal decided that the knocks were beginning to sound a lot more like kicks than the pounding of a fist. There was only one person that could be and so Cal decided to arm himself first. He pulled open the drawer of his night stand and retrieved the bottle of amber liquid. Reaching for a glass he changed his mind and pressed the bottle directly to his lips, taking four deep gulps. He gasped and wiped his mouth and then took four more. The pounding and kicking was now becoming shouting.

“Cal. Cal! I know you’re in there! Open up. Open up this bloody door this bloody
instant
before I kick it down!”

Cal replaced the bottle into the drawer and strode to the other side of the room, opening the door with a grand bow and gesture of his arm.

“Ahh. Just as I thought. My dear Uncle, back with more threats I presume since that seems to be the only reason you’ve visited me of late?”

His Uncle stepped inside without so much a glance at Cal. “Well, actually I
have
come because of that girl, but also because of yo—”

“Ah. No worries Uncle.” Cal pointed his finger and circled it around quickly. “As I told you before, I did it. I broke the heart of a wonderful young woman and because of me she will never be the same again. And I don’t mean that in a good manner, mind you. And if it makes you feel any better, I haven’t seen her since. Nor do I have plans to do so…” The thought of seeing Ellie burned a hole through his chest. But that could also be the alcohol. It was easier to think that way than to allow himself those emotions.

The alcohol was already beginning to take effect and he felt a ball of heat form in his belly, but even still it wasn’t happening fast enough for his liking. Cal went back to the drawer and retrieved the alcohol.

“Would you like some, Uncle? Ah. Of course you would.” This time Cal grabbed two glasses and set them down side by side, pouring a more than generous serving in each one. He held out the glass to his uncle who willingly accepted it and took a large swig. “No, no, no. Not yet. We shall drink together… and we shall toast!”

“Cal…” Uncle George shook his head. “There’s something we need to—”

“All in due time, Uncle. But first we shall toast.”

His uncle gritted his teeth. “Alright. What to?”

“Why to me, of course. And what a colossal mess I have made.” Cal frowned and shook his head. “No. No, no, no. I don’t deserve a toast. Not even to my failures… So…” Cal paused and held up his glass. “To whiskey then. The only thing on this planet that can make a person do things worse than I’ve done… and then take away the pain.” Cal laughed. “Now if I could do that last part, I suppose it would be alright to toast to me. But until then: to whiskey!”

Cal and Uncle George clinked their glasses and downed their drinks.

“Now then, Uncle. What is it that you’ve come to badger me about this time? You mentioned…
her.
” He couldn’t bring himself to even think her name, let alone say it. “And if that’s all you’ve come for, to make sure I leave her be then you can just stop there, because she will leave me be. Whenever she thinks of me all she’ll feel is anger and betrayal, and with any luck, she’ll forget about me completely. Either way, she’ll never be in danger again. Aren’t you proud, Uncle?”

“No. No Cal, I’m not. I’m not proud, actually. I used to be…”

That stung, more than he wanted to admit, but Cal forced himself to dismiss it. He wasn’t proud of himself lately… the drinking, the shameful womanizing, his failures with the workers, but he was reaching the point where he no longer cared. Where everything was numb. That was the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel he called his life. He couldn’t get there fast enough.

“Why are you here, Uncle? Just come to tell me how I disappoint you? Next time don’t bother. I can reaffirm that feeling all on my own.”

“That’s not why I’ve come at all.” He paused and pinched his nose, working out what to say next.

“Come now and let’s get it out then.” Cal turned his back to his Uncle and returned to the bottle for another drink. “I’ve planned a busy night full of drinking that I would like to begin as soon as possible.”

“Oh, I’d really rather you didn’t. That will just make this all the more difficult.”

Cal knew the voice as soon as he heard it, but he knew it couldn’t be real. She couldn’t be here. He must still be asleep, or drunk, or both. He gripped the edge of his nightstand and took several deep breaths before he slowly turned around.

He was wrong and he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Ellie turned sideways to step past Uncle George and enter the room, where she just stopped; hands clasped together in front of her, shiny copper hair coming loose from its pins as she chewed her bottom lip. Her electrifying blue eyes burrowed inside of him shaking what little bit of strength he’d had to keep himself breathing and alive. And then, for just a fleeing instant, he felt them soothe his every ache and pain before he threw the feelings out and locked himself up tight once more.

“What are you—Why are you—” Cal couldn’t find the words.

“I can scarcely believe it myself. Yet here I am.”

“You, uncle? You put her up to this.”

Ellie answered for Uncle George. “He did. And it wasn’t an easy fight, let me tell you that.”

Cal’s heart sunk for reasons he couldn’t fully understand. He cleared his throat and spoke slowly in order to get out all the words. “Why are you here?”

“I am here… I’m here to convince you that—that—” Now Ellie cleared her throat and briefly turned her gaze to the floor before looking back at him. “—that you should not give up on your reform work.”

Cal couldn’t believe his ears. He couldn’t believe that his uncle had put Ellie up to this, nor could he fathom, through the headache growing on the side of his head, why his uncle would do this. But strange as it was, this revelation mattered less to Cal at the moment than the fact that Ellie was here. That for whatever reason, she was yet again involving herself in his life, where the only possible outcome was more pain and suffering.

He held his hands out in front of his chest. “Ellie this isn’t what—I just want you to leave me alone. To get as far away from me as you possibly can.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Cal looked over Ellie’s shoulder to his uncle who appeared to be cursing himself for asking such a question.

Cal chewed at the inside of his mouth and then set his jaw. “Of course it is. And I don’t want you doing anything for me either—”

“Oh? Is that what you think I’m doing? I’m doing this for you?”

Cal swallowed once, embarrassed. Somewhere in a deep and hidden place he’d hoped the answer would be ‘yes.’

She gave him a sardonic glance accompanied by a muffled laugh. “I’m not doing this for you... I’m doing it for them.”

“Ellie, I told you that was all—”

“A lie? A game? Yes. So you say. But your Uncle doesn’t seem to believe that and now I’m not so certain either. I’m—I’m not certain about many things as of late. But something about it all just doesn’t make sense... And because of that your uncle is convinced that there’s still hope and that you can still make a difference for these people. So, despite what I may think about you or feel about you, I fear I must hope as well. If there’s even the
sliver
of a chance, I must hope as well.”

“Now you care, Uncle?
Now?
” Cal let his jaw slack and he slapped his hands against his sides. Was this all just a cruel game Ellie had devised for revenge? If it was he sure deserved it, but it hurt like hell. “Now when things are bleak and done and hopeless?”

Ellie blinked several times, then opened her eyes wide as she looked Cal over from top to bottom and then at last let her eyes rest on his. She was delving into him and it was pointless to look away now. She’d already seen it. He hadn’t been strong enough to hide it.

“It
was
a lie.”

“What?” he asked, though he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“Your Uncle was right. It was a lie. But why would you lie about—”

“Uncle, an answer please,” Cal said interrupting Ellie and making it clear that while he wanted answers from his uncle he wouldn’t be giving any answers to anyone else.

“I care about you, Cal. That’s one thing that’s never changed.”

“He doesn’t want you to end up like him.”

Cal scoffed. “I’m not going to end up like you.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No. I refuse to.” But Cal knew that wasn’t the truth. Every moment he was falling further from salvation and all he wanted was to be left alone so he could fall in peace.