Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) (26 page)

“
Make the choice,
” his uncle said again as he went to the door and opened it. “Or I’ll tell her the truth before you have the chance. She doesn’t deserve to pay the price for your selfishness.”

And with that, Uncle George stepped outside and closed the door behind him.

Selfish.
The word echoed in his head and in his heart. He’d been fighting with that fear for so long and he’d only just recently begun to come to terms with his past. But now his Uncle threatened to upset it all and throw everything off course. Everything was being dredged up now and just like that he was heading back to where he started. It was amazing how fast he could fall back into old habits. It was like wearing a favorite pair of shoes that should have long since been thrown out because they did nothing except make his feet blister. But he slipped them on again every time.

What was it about seeing the worst in himself that was so easy?

He supposed it was because it made it more difficult to be let down. But did that matter if he spent his days in constant sadness? Perhaps life was better lived in days of joy interrupted by sadness than sadness interrupted by joy. It was a wonderful thought, but it wasn’t making it any easier for him to change what he felt right now because Cal couldn’t believe what had just happened.

Who was his Uncle, of all people, to tell him what to do and who to see? As if he had lived his life in a manner that warranted having a say in Cal’s life. But maybe that was the point. When Cal thought back to the conversation he realized that his uncle honestly seemed to believe he was doing the right thing. As if in some way he could use Cal’s life to vicariously make amends for his own wrong doings.

It didn’t work that way, though. Not even one bit.

Regardless, it now seemed that Cal would have no choice except to comply. He couldn’t let anyone else tell Ellie the truth after all they had been though and all they had worked for. Ellie would never forgive him. So Cal would have to make a choice.

What his Uncle didn’t know was that there was a third choice: even though he wasn’t completely confident yet, Cal could finally tell Ellie the truth himself and pray that she would accept him.

Ellie relaxed on her elbows against the table and tried, unsuccessfully, to hide her wide yawn with her hand.

“Maybe if you spent as much time in your bed at night as you’ve been spending out of it then you wouldn’t have this problem,” Mandy observed.

Ellie sat up and glared at Amelia.

“Ach. Don’t be giving her that look. She did the right thing, which is more than I can say for you.”

“How do you know I’m not doing the right thing?”

Now it was Mandy’s turn to glare. “Do I really need to answer that?”

“Yes.”

Mandy sighed and set down her stitch work, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “What’s there to explain? Young woman, unmarried—” she looked behind her and lowered her voice, “—sneaking out of her bed at night to meet a man... a well-to-do man and still unnamed at that… unless there’s something Amelia hasn’t told me.”

“You told her about that too?”

“Oh, you bet she did. She told me all about it. I only wish I’d been there when you two were making eyes at each other. I certainly wouldn’t have taken a nap later while you went off to ‘get some air’ on your own...”

Ellie looked to Amelia who looked down at her hands and pretended to busy herself, though Ellie could tell she wasn’t actually doing anything at all. She flashed her eyes to Ellie for a moment and mouthed, “Sorry.”

“Ugh.” Ellie crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “No, Mandy. There isn’t anything else
she
hasn’t told you.”

“Oh? And what are you still keeping from us?”

“Honestly? Not much.”

“Ohhh, dear.” Mandy sighed again. “I can’t believe I’m saying this so I’m only going to say it once. And you better listen: you’re being very foolish. And you don’t want to risk what you’re risking for someone who is ‘not much’... if you know what I mean.”

“Mandy!” Ellie couldn’t help but laugh. “I
do
know what you mean, thank you very much, but that’s not what
I
meant at all!”

“So he is... much?” Amelia prompted.

“Amelia!” Ellie and Mandy both said.

“What? You’re the ones who brought it up!”

“That was absolutely not my intention. I’m just trying to make sure that Ellie is thinking with the right part of her body…”

“I am.”

Mandy did not appear convinced. “Oh, Ellie…”

“You know what? Maybe I am taking a risk. I’ll give you that but it’s not the sort of risk you’re thinking about.”

“Oh, that makes me feel so much better.”

“It should. Sometimes taking a risk is the right thing to do.”

“There’s a right sort of risk, now is there?”

“Of course! Don’t you ever get tired of it all, Mandy? Amelia?” Ellie looked at them both. “I love my life and my family… and both of you. But is that really enough? We sew dresses. What does that mean for the world? I know we make some people very happy with the quality of work we do and that’s a good thing, to work hard and take pride in what you do. But at the end of the day—day after day after day—that’s what we do. That’s
all
we do: we sew dresses. I mean, God!” Ellie slapped her thighs. “Sometimes you just have to do something else! Sometimes you have to be part of something bigger—
I
have to be part of something bigger—and to do that sometimes requires risk. “

“And this man is helping you to do that, is he? He’s helping you be part of something bigger?”

“Yes.”

“That’s all fine and good but how is he helping you do that? What exactly are you doing?”

Darn,
Ellie thought as she tightened her jaw. She’d walked right into that one. She shook her head. “I can’t tell you that. At least not right now. I made a promise.”

“Oh, Ellie. I know you’ve always been good at reading people but that doesn’t mean you can’t ever be wrong. You
want
to find the good in everyone, you always have. But the fact of the matter is that not every has goodness in them. Some people only care about themselves and they don’t care what they have to do or who they have to hurt to get what they want. And that’s what I’m afraid will happen to you, Ellie. Maybe he seems a nice man now, maybe he treats you right and makes you smile. Maybe he is helping you. But what happens next week or next month or next year? What happens when he needs a wife and a family? He won’t even tell you his name! What sort of future do you see yourself having with him?” She laid her hand against Ellie’s cheek. “You’re so caring and loving and I’m sure he sees that and is using it to his advantage.”

“No one is taking advantage of me! I’m a willing partner in all of this. Every bit of it,” Ellie said with conviction. “And you know what? I’ll be honest. I can’t answer all of those questions. Most times I don’t know what to expect from hour to hour let alone any further out than that. The only thing I can tell you is that Cal is not like that.”

“And what is he like then?

“He’s good and he’s kind. And he has a wonderful heart.” Ellie felt her lips curling up into a sweet smile. “What he and I have together, it’s about so much more than—than the physical.”

“But you
have
kissed him haven’t you?”

“Yes, Amelia. I’ve kissed him. And he’s kissed me. Over and over again. Happy?”

Amelia actually blushed as she shook her head. Mandy also shook her head but for a much different reason.

“I mean we haven’t—we haven’t even—” Ellie cleared her throat. “You’ll be happy to know, Mandy, that it hasn’t gone much beyond the kissing.”

She continued to glare at Ellie.

“And that’s the point. That what he and I share is not about that. I know that’s what you think but it’s simply not true. We share something so much deeper and important. And I hope that we will share something lasting. I want it to be, and I think he does too and so maybe someday—”

“But your parents—”

“You know what? I think my parents would actually be very proud of me. I’m no longer that baby, the Earl’s daughter that needs to be protected and coddled from this wicked world. And maybe I don’t know right now exactly what is happening between Cal and me or where it will go in the future, but I do know this: For the first time in my life I feel alive and free. And comfortable in my own body. I’ve never felt that before! I’ve never felt that I could take ownership of myself. Or that I had a right to be who I wanted to be, when I wanted to be. I’ve always felt indebted to the people who’ve done good things for me or helped me or taken care of me, especially my parents. They brought me into this world and they made certain I had choices in my life. And I’ve always felt that I owed them for it; my life… in exchange for my life!” Ellie laughed.

“And I knew it made absolutely no sense, I’ve always known that. But I’ve always struggled with the guilt and the feeling that being anything other than their daughter would mean I was ungrateful. But I’m not ungrateful and I know now that my parents know that too. They also know that I’m more than just a daughter… and they want me to be those other things. They want me to live up to my potential as a person and as a woman. And I want that too. I’ve always wanted it.”

“Of course they want that for you,” Mandy interrupted. “That’s not even a question, but—”

“No. Let me finish.” Ellie held up her hand. “The problem was that I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t know how to find myself and take ownership, or if I was even strong enough to do that. But then Cal came along and he never questioned me or made me feel wrong. He made me feel right… in anything and everything that I am. And it wasn’t long before I realized that yes, I was strong enough. All on my own. I always have been. And now I
feel
like I’m my own person, the person I’ve always been meant to be.”

Ellie stood up and pointed her finger. “You said I needed to be my own person and be strong so I wouldn’t break. You said that, Mandy. Remember? Well, now I am. I just needed some help figuring it all out. Cal helped me. He helped me find that person and breathe life into her.” Ellie swallowed back tears and held her hand to her chest. “I’m the best version of myself when I’m with him. And the only thing I owe him is to be that person.”

Mandy’s face softened as if a light had come on in her mind. “I see it. We all do.”

“Oh?” Ellie asked, now confused by Mandy’s turn around.

“Oh yes... You’ve got a bit of bite and fire in you now.” Mandy let herself smile. “It just somehow never occurred to me until this very moment that it was because of him.”

“But you said—”

“Oh.” Mandy waved her hand. “You know I love you dear, right? Like you’re my own family. And I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, but it can be hard watching someone you love grow and make choices... Because you just worry about them and want what’s best for them, you know? Sometimes I still see you as that young girl complaining about working in the dress shop. But you’re not. You’ve grown to be a fine young woman…” Mandy crossed her arms nonchalantly. “And so I suppose if I ever get a chance to meet this mystery man of yours, I’ll have to give him a big hug... Right after I ring his neck...”

Ellie laughed and threw her arms around Mandy. “Thank you, for hearing me out. Now please, I just need you to trust me when I say that I know what I’m doing. And that it’s about more than just me and my own feelings and life.”

“Oh, I do trust you dear. More than you know. And you’re right,” she said giving Ellie one more deep squeeze. “I think your parents would be proud. In fact, I know they are.”

Ellie was certainly proud of herself. Both for making these important changes and for standing up for herself. She smiled for the entire afternoon, and the rest of the day passed without consequence. Mandy did not pressure Ellie for the complete truth, even when her mother joined them and asked about their plans for the rest of the day, and Amelia asked only one or two extremely personal questions. Which Ellie, with a laugh, declined to answer. And when everyone else retired to their rooms for the evening—after what seemed like an actual eternity—Ellie was able to exit the shop without so much as a glance. She ran at a full sprint to meet Cal just around the corner from the shop. As usual she couldn’t wait to see him and get to work, but tonight would be a bit different.

“Giving up can be an easier burden when you are the only person your choices affect,” she had told him a few days ago. “It’s not so easy to give up when your choices affect other people. Some days I may want to cry and give up. I’m human. And on those days I need an image to hold in my mind that will remind me of what I’m fighting for. That will remind me this is about more than myself.”

And so, Cal had eventually given into her pleas and agreed to take her to see one of the mills. She was excited but also very nervous as she rushed to meet him tonight. He wasn’t there waiting for her as he usually was, and when he finally arrived he led her around the corner to a waiting carriage, and helped her inside with a light push on her lower back.

“Is this yours?” she asked as she settled into the carriage and he entered from the opposite door. They had always walked everywhere they went and so she didn’t know what to make of the current situation.

“Of course not,” he laughed. “Someone might follow me.”

“So you do have a carriage?”

“This isn’t a carriage. Not really anyway.” Cal rapped his knuckles on the top and the walls as he wrinkled his nose. “Well, I suppose it must have been considered a carriage at one time, maybe even a nice one, but you couldn’t tell from the looks of it now,” he said avoiding the question.

“Well, if this isn’t your carriage then whose is it? I mean it must belong to someone… unless we’re adding carriage thief to your list of mysterious characteristics.”

“Carriage thief? Lord, is that what you think of me? All the time we’ve spent together and you think I’m the sort of person who would steal a carriage?” He ruffled his hair. “I need to reevaluate my life…”