Losing Me Finding You (29 page)

Ben’s face breaks into a huge smile as I drop to my knees and my hands go for his waist, sliding his already undone trousers all the way off. The groan Ben lets out when I start returning the favour makes me smile and when he slides his hand into my hair, his fingers gripping it tightly, I know I’m driving him really crazy now.

“Come here,” he eventually growls, pulling me up his body. “I need to be inside you, Eva.”

I moan as Ben’s hands slip under my tank tops and pull them off. My bra is next and then all of my clothes are in a pile on the floor and Ben is sitting up now with me across his hips. As his arms wrap around my waist, he turns and puts his feet on the floor before standing again. I feel my back hit the cool wall beside Ben’s bed and then his mouth is on mine, kissing me with an urgency that only comes on this night.

Despite how close we are right now, connected in all the best ways, there is already a sense of loss. I’m afraid of what happens tonight at midnight. Afraid that four years ago was just a one-off, a fluke that won’t be repeated. And with that comes the fear I always have, buried deep inside me, that I’ll lose Ben. That somehow, I won’t be able to find him or remember him, or worse still, something will happen to him and I’ll never see him again.

“Evie, where’d you go, baby,” he whispers, stopping his kisses as he pulls back a little. “Where’d you go?”

I blink as I stare into deep blue eyes that look at me with nothing but love. “Sorry, I’m here, I’m always here,” I tell him, leaning in to kiss him again.

His thumbs brush against my cheeks, as he stands pressed against me. “Bullshit. Talk to me, baby, what’s wrong?”

I shake my head, not wanting to ruin this moment.

“Eva,” he says, his voice firmer.

I exhale, tightening my legs around his waist, as I brush the hair back from his face. “I’m going to disappear tonight.”

Ben exhales, his warm breath caressing my skin. “We don’t know that,” he says quietly. “You stayed last time, maybe you’ll always stay now.”

“I think it’s going to happen,” I breathe out frustrated, wishing I hadn’t said anything now. “But I don’t know, Ben. I just don’t know.”

Ben’s fingers brush across my cheeks as he takes a deep breath. “Neither do I, baby,” he says leaning in to kiss me again. “But I do know that I love you, and if you do disappear, I will be here waiting for you.”

I try to smile at him. “I know you will and I’ll find you.”

“I know, baby. I know you will,” Ben says, pushing his hips against me. “We don’t know what’s going to happen,” he says, his voice quieter now. “But let’s not lose what little time we might have left, okay?”

I’m nodding at him, wishing I could take all of my words back. Wishing I hadn’t said anything and we could go back to the moment we walked into this room and Ben started pulling my clothes off.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, as he ever so slowly slides out and then back into me.

I groan and laugh at the same time, knowing he’s right. Whatever happens, there is nothing either of us can do about it. There is no way to stop it from happening, and Ben’s right, we have to make the most of every second we have together. Because come tomorrow, neither of us knows how long we’re going to have to wait before it happens again.

“Evie?” Ben asks, pressing kisses against my neck.

“Mmm,” I groan, my head falling back against the wall.

“Tell me what you want, baby,” he murmurs into my skin.

I tighten my legs at his words as my heart stops in my chest. There’s only one thing I want, there’s only ever been one thing. I unwrap my arms from Ben’s neck and press my thumbs against his jaw, forcing his face up so I can look him in the eyes. “I want you, Ben. I just want you. I don’t ever want to forget you.”

I see the sadness flash across Ben’s face and I know, despite his bravado, he’s feeling it too. The last eight years have been amazing, so much has happened and as much as we might pretend that tonight isn’t going to happen or that I will find him again easily if it does, we both know, it just isn’t true. Nothing can predict how the next four years will pan out and the fear of this possibly being our last moment together is always there.

For both of us.

“Come here, Evie Foster,” Ben whispers, turning and walking us back to his cot. He lays me down on his bed, his playful mood gone now as he gently lays his body on top of mine. My legs wrap around his hips as he slowly pushes inside me again. Ben stills for a minute, just staring into my eyes as though he’s trying to memorise everything about me. I do the same, desperately trying to imprint a part of him on to my brain so that if I do disappear tonight, tomorrow I’ll remember him.

“I love you,” he whispers, leaning in to kiss me. “I love you so much, Evie.”

His words and the intensity with which he says them make me want to cry. But I don’t, I fight the tears, not wanting to ruin this last time between us. As Ben starts to move inside me, I push my head back into the pillow, my body arching up to his. I feel the touch of his tongue at the base of my throat and I whimper as he slowly drags it up my neck.

“Ben…” I whisper, my nails digging into his back now.

My body is on fire as Ben continues to move inside me. He’s slow, gentle and deliberate, almost as if he’s making this moment last, not wanting it to end. I drag a foot up his leg, pulling him closer. Ben’s elbows are pressed into the pillow beside me and he’s kissing me constantly. His lips are hard on mine, not letting us stop, barely letting me breathe as he continues to push deeper inside me.

I can feel the tension inside me building, magnified by the fear of what’s going to happen tonight, by the intensity of this moment.

“Evie,” Ben whispers, his voice hoarse. “I’m so fucking close, baby.”

“Don’t stop,” I breathe out, clinging to him as I pull him closer, deeper. “Please don’t stop.”

Ben lets out a low groan as he throws back his head, his hips pushing into mine and causing all of my tension to release. I moan as it explodes through me, flowing rapidly throughout my body until even my fingertips are tingling.

“Evie,” Ben breathes out as he collapses onto me now, his heavy weight pushing me into the bed. He slides his arms under my neck, wrapping me against him as he buries his face in my shoulder, his lips against my skin.

I can feel his heart, hammering against mine, his body still coming down from the high we’ve both just experienced. I close my eyes, never wanting to leave this moment.

“Maybe I’ll still be here,” I eventually whisper in the darkness, my lips pressed against Ben’s cheek. “Maybe tomorrow I’ll still be here…” It’s not a question, because I don’t dare ask or hope anymore and really, I can’t ignore what I know is coming.

Ben rolls us over so we are face to face in his tiny cot. Our bodies are pressed against each other and there is barely an inch of space between us. His hand smoothes back my hair as he kisses me. “I hope so, baby,” he whispers back. “I really fucking hope so.”

We lie in silence, watching each other, knowing with every passing second that the end is only getting closer. I can feel it now. I know it’s coming this time and no matter what we do, there’s no avoiding it.

“You’d think we’d be used to this by now, wouldn’t you?” I say, my fingers tracing the line of his jaw.

Ben shakes his head, his face impossibly sad. “I don’t think I will ever get used to this, Evie.”

I exhale, knowing he’s right. “Yeah, me either,” I say, leaning in to kiss his lips. “If anything it’s just the opposite, isn’t it?”

Ben’s fingers dig into my back, letting me know he gets it. “It never gets any easier for me, baby. With every time this happens, it only gets harder and harder to face. Harder and harder to watch you go.”

“I just can’t believe we have to keep going through it,” I whisper, my voice so quiet, I’m not even sure Ben hears me.

“I know,” he says, staring into my eyes. “But no matter how hard it gets, Evie, I’m not giving up on us. I’m never giving you up, baby.”

My eyes close as I tighten my arms around him, pulling myself even closer. Ben’s hand slides up my back and into my hair, holding my lips to his. “Ben,” I breathe.

“Just remember I love you, Evie,” he whispers. “Please, just remember that.”

I breathe out a “Yes,” and then we are kissing, our fingers digging into each other, desperately holding on, clinging to our last few minutes together. I don’t want to go, I really don’t want to leave him, especially now after so long.

Ben’s hand finds mine and he lifts it to his mouth, kissing my wedding ring. I hope it comes with me, even though deep down I know that’s impossible. But if it does, I have a chance of remembering him, because Ben’s name is engraved on the inside and all I have to do is look at it.

I can feel the tears welling again and I close my eyes, not wanting to cry. Ben leans in and starts to kiss my tears away, which only makes me cry harder.

“I love you, Ben,” I breathe out. “I don’t want to go, I really don’t want to go.”

“I love you too, Evie,” he says. “I love you so fucking much.”

I open my eyes and find Ben watching me. I smile at him through my tears as I hear my watch start to beep. I know it’s time.

“I’ll find you,” I say, meaning it more than I ever have before. “I promise I’ll find you.”

Then I blink and everything is black.

I think of Ben and how much I love him.

And then it’s all gone.

And so am I.

Thirty-two years old

The sun shines into my room and today I turn thirty-two years old.

As I my eyes open, I instantly feel different. Not just that I’m in a place I don’t recognise, but physically, I feel different. There’s a heavy sadness that feels like it’s wrapping itself around me, but somehow it’s more than that. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is exactly.

I stretch my arms over my head, my eyes roaming around the bedroom I’ve woken up in. None of this is familiar. The wall behind me is red; the other three white and there is a huge window overlooking the sea. I climb out of bed and walk towards it, take in the pier, the ocean and the seagulls flying around, trying to take food from unsuspecting tourists who are braving the cold wind. I’m not quite sure where I am, but it’s clearly a seaside town.

I turn away from the window and grab a cardigan from the end of my bed and walk into the rest of my flat. There is a large living room with a kitchen to the side, and I walk in to make myself a cup of tea. As my hand turns on the tap to fill up the kettle, I notice a dent on my finger. Pulling my hand closer, I can see the faint imprint of what used to be a ring, wrapped around my left ring finger. It’s as though I’ve worn one there for a long time and it’s left not just an impression, but also a tan line. There’s no ring there now though, and I have no memory of where it could be or even what it looks like. But the mark is there, clear as day.

I close my eyes, trying to remember. The remnants of a dream, of a memory, of the happiest day of my life, float towards me. But as soon as I try to latch on to it, it’s gone. I open my eyes and switch on the kettle before walking around my flat, trying to work out if the memory is here.

There are no photos on the walls; no indication of a husband or a wedding and the only thing I can think of is maybe I used to wear a ring there. Maybe I was married once before and I’m not anymore. Only that doesn’t feel right either.

Why can’t I remember what this is about?

28th May 2008

Thirty-two years old

“Ben?” I say when I hear his voice on the other end of the phone. But then he keeps talking and I realise it’s his voicemail. I wasn’t expecting his voicemail and I don’t know what to say. When the beep chimes in, I just say the first thing that comes to me. “Ben, it’s me, Evie. I don’t know where you are, but I’m in Brighton. I’m catching the train in ten minutes. I’ll be at Victoria Station in an hour, so twelve-thirty, okay.” I stop, wondering if he’ll even get this message before I get there.

Where is he?

“But if you’re not there, don’t worry. I’ll go straight home and wait for you,” I say, anxious to see him. It’s been three months this time and I’m lucky it’s happened now. I’m not sure how much longer I could have held out, not alone anyway. “I love you, Ben,” I add on. “I’ll see you soon.”

I hang up the phone and pick up my bag. I have some things I need to take with me this time. Normally I’d leave it all behind, not really caring about the life I’ve been dumped in, only wanting to get back to the life I’ve created with Ben. But this time, things are a little bit different, and this time, I have things from this life that need to come with me back to my real life.

“Can I help you with your bag miss?” a man about my age asks me.

I smile at him. “I’m fine, thank you,” I say as I climb onto the train, the overnight bag in my hand.

I spend the train ride doing nothing but staring out the window, occasionally sipping from the tea I bought at the station. My phone doesn’t ring and there are no text messages from Ben. I’ll ditch this phone as soon as I get back home, not needing to hang on to it and the life it represents anymore. My old phone, the phone Ben will have kept for me, will be my real phone. My real phone with all the numbers I ever need, already programmed in. Ben’s number, his parents, Rachel, Sarah, Paul, the station and some of the guys from his work and one or two of my work friends, who I hope have stuck around.

Things got easy for a while, when I stayed for eight years, and hopefully Ben’s been able to explain this three-month absence to everyone. Because they aren’t the only ones in for a surprise when I reappear again.

I’m not entirely sure how this has happened and I have no idea what it means or what’s going to happen next. I’m excited and surprised and scared and also eternally grateful. Because it’s actually the reason I’ve remembered Ben this time round and I hope that’s a good sign. I hope it’s somehow the reason I’ll always remember him.

I sit up as my train pulls into Victoria, swallowing as I briefly feel like I’m going to be sick. There are a million people on the platform, but even if it were empty, it wouldn’t make any difference to how I’m feeling. As I gather my bags and stand up, I take a deep breath, hoping he’s here waiting for me.

Everyone steps off the train and we all walk towards the gates at the end of the platform. I’m scanning the whole station, desperately looking for Ben, wishing I knew if he got my message. There are people everywhere, announcements over the loud speakers, a busker at the end of the platform trying to play his guitar. A young child starts crying and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll even be able to find Ben in amongst all of this if he’s actually managed to get here.

And then I hear it.

Clear as day, as though every single sound in the station all just simultaneously stopped so I could hear this one word.

“Evie!”

It’s Ben. My Ben.

I’m looking everywhere, desperately scanning the crowds for his familiar face, but I can’t find him. And then suddenly, I’m engulfed in a pair of arms and lifted off the ground, kisses pressed all over my face. When I finally register what’s going on, I see Ben. His beautiful smiling face looking up at me, his strong arms wrapped around me like they’re never letting me go.

“Hey, baby,” he says, as cool as ever. “Miss me?”

I drop my bags to the ground and throw my arms around his neck. “So much,” I whisper, before leaning in and kissing him. We are standing in the middle of Victoria Station. My bags are at my feet, our arms are wrapped tightly around each other and we are kissing like we are in some cheesy Hollywood movie. It’s totally clichéd, but as always, I don’t care. I don’t care what we look like or who’s watching us. If any of these people had to live my life, they’d be doing the same thing.

“You got my message?” I breathe out, when we finally come up for air.

“I did. I’m so sorry I didn’t call you back, baby. I’ve been on a job and it only just came through.”

It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his uniform. He must have come straight from work and when I lean in and press my nose to his neck, I can still smell the smoke on him. Ben lowers me back down, still smiling and I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer.

“It’s okay,” I say, pushing up on my toes and kissing him again. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Ben smiles at me. “I have something for you,” he says, his fingers gently brushing down my cheek. “Something you left behind.”

“You do?” I ask, confused. Ben smiles and nods as he holds up his right hand so I can see what he’s talking about. “Oh, my wedding ring,” I say, sliding it off his little finger and putting it back on my left ring finger where it should be. “You found it.”

“I did,” Ben says, kissing me again. “It was the only part of you that was left behind with me when you disappeared.”

I bite my bottom lip, knowing that Ben left a part of himself behind with me too. “Um,” I murmur, not really sure how to say this. “Yeah, you kinda left something with me too,” I say, still looking at him. “Something…kinda…big.”

Ben’s face is a mixture of confusion and humour. He’s half smiling at me, but his brow is scrunched as he tries to work out what the hell I’m trying to say. “What do you mean?” he finally asks.

I take a deep breath. “This,” I say, as I take his hand and rest it against my stomach.

Ben’s face is all confusion now. “What? Evie, babe, I don’t…” He suddenly stops as though he finally understands what I’m trying to tell him. “Really?” he asks, his face breaking into a huge smile.

“Really,” I say, my hand still covering his over my stomach. “I’m pregnant, Ben.”

Ben’s smile only gets bigger as he leans in and kisses me hard on the lips, our hands trapped between us and still pressed against my stomach.

“We’re having a baby?” he whispers, his lips against mine.

“We are,” I breathe out. “I don’t know how it’s happened, Ben, but it’s yours, I know it’s yours.”

“You’re…” he stops talking and I see the fear briefly cross his face.

I smile, moving my hand to cup his cheek. “I’m sure,” I say, knowing it’s the truth. “It’s your baby, I promise you.”

Ben’s hand moves gently over my stomach as he glances down. I’m only twelve weeks, so I’m not really showing yet, but to watch Ben, you’d never know that. “How?” is all he says, looking back up at me.

“I’m guessing it happened the last night we were together,” I say to him, my thumb brushing his cheek. “It’s the first time we’ve actually had sex on a night before I disappeared. Last time I stayed, remember?” Which also meant I woke up and remembered to take my birth control. “This time, I disappeared and I had no memory of us, which also meant I had no memory of our last night together. And I guess when I didn’t take the pill the next morning, I got pregnant, making it a part of me, so it came with me.” I say, pushing some of his hair back off his face. “I got the shock of my life when I found out. I mean I knew I hadn’t been with anyone, so I couldn’t work out how the hell this had happened. But I promise you, Ben, I haven’t been with anyone else.”

Ben’s nodding at me now. “I know, baby, I trust you, I know you haven’t. Sorry it was stupid of me to even think that.”

I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t. I’d have asked too. And please believe me, I checked, triple checked. There is no one else, never has been anyone else. There never will be anyone else, but you.”

“I know, Eva,” he whispers. “I believe you, really.” Ben kisses me, before suddenly pulling back. “So how’d you eventually work it out?” he asks, his fingers stroking my cheek.

I smile up at him. “When I went to the doctor about feeling sick all the time and she told me I was pregnant, I nearly died of shock. She wanted me to go for an ultrasound, to try and work out how far along I was because I couldn’t tell her the last time I’d had sex.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Three long months, Evie,” he practically groans.

I laugh. “I know that now,” I say, squeezing him tighter. “But luckily for me, when I went in to get the ultrasound, I happened to have a very chatty nurse.”

“And?” he asks, wondering where I’m going with this.

“And she was telling me all about her first pregnancy and how she didn’t realise she was pregnant either.”

“And, how did this make you remember me?” Ben asks, still confused.

I smile up at him, my fingers smoothing over his cheek as I stare into his beautiful blue eyes. “She was telling me about a trip to London that she and her husband took, how she first discovered she was pregnant when she threw up.”

“I still don’t get it,” Ben says, his arms squeezing my waist.

I smile. “She told me she threw up right as their tour bus pulled up in front of Big Ben. And when she told me that, everything came flooding back. I actually started crying right there on the bed.”

“Evie,” Ben whispers, pulling me closer.

“I have a photo if you want to see it,” I say, my face buried in his neck.

“What, of the nurse?” Ben says and I can’t help but laugh.

“No silly, of our baby,” I tell him, pulling the scan image from my bag.

I watch as Ben looks at the photo, his eyes staring at it as though he can hardly believe what he’s seeing. When he turns back to me, he says nothing and we stand on the end of the platform, arms wrapped around each other, and staring into each other’s eyes. I don’t have anything more to say and I’m waiting, wanting to hear what Ben has to say next. Hoping he wants this as much as I’ve realised I do, even though I have no idea how this is all going to work.

“We’re having a baby,” he eventually says, smiling.

I nod. “We are.”

And without saying another word, Ben crushes his lips against mine again and somehow I know we’ll find a way to make it work.