Losing Me Finding You (23 page)

“Ben…” I whisper. “Why, I mean, how, why? I broke your heart…I was…”

I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks now as I struggle to get the words out. See the look of sympathy on Ben’s face that I don’t deserve.

He reaches out his hand, his thumb brushing away my tears as he says, “You might have broken my heart that night, Eva, but I wasn’t ready to let anyone else try and heal it. Not when it still belonged to
you
.”

My own heart crashes against my rib cage as I crush my mouth to his, crawling up his body in a desperate attempt to get closer to him. “Ben… I’m so sorry, so…”

Ben’s hands are on my cheeks now, gently lifting my head so I’m forced to meet his stare again. “I know you are, baby. I wish it had never happened and I know we both wish those four years had been different. But it’s done, okay. We can move past it, we
have
to. Just promise me you’ll always talk to me, Evie, always.”

“I will,” I promise him.

“Good,” Ben says, smiling up at me. He pulls me back down to him as he leans in to kiss me, but I have to ask him again.

“Four years, really?” I say, amazed that Ben is still all mine. “How the hell did you last through that?” I ask, knowing that keeping active isn’t the only physical part about Ben that I love.

Ben laughs. “I became very good friends with this guy,” he says, holding up his hand, which is still in mine.

“Wow,” I say quietly. “I can’t believe you did that.”

“Like I said,” Ben says, wrapping our joined hands around my waist now as he pulls me closer. “I just couldn’t, Evie. I couldn’t be with anyone else but you. It never felt right.”

I nod at his words, knowing how similar it feels to all the months and years I spent apart from him, before I remembered he was a part of my life. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I was never
with
anyone, I really meant that, but I did sort of date someone,” I say. “Before I remembered you, I mean.”

“You did?” he asks, his fingers tightening in mine.

“Yeah,” I say, as I brush his hair back, trying to reassure him. “I did, but we never slept together, I promise. Nothing about being with him ever felt right. Even though I didn’t remember you or our life together, I would be out with Josh…” I stop as Ben flinches at the mention of his name. I smile sadly, leaning in to kiss him again, before continuing, “I would be out, and I
always
knew that something was wrong. I knew he wasn’t right for me, Ben. That he wasn’t who I was supposed to be with. That’s why I could never sleep with him.”

Ben smiles at me like he believes me, like he understands completely. He pushes me back onto the bed and rolls on top of me. “That’s because you are
meant
to be with me, Evie.”

“I am,” I answer smiling. “And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Ben,” I add on before the rest of my words are silenced with Ben’s lips on mine.

13th April 2003

Twenty-seven years old

“Hey, baby,” Ben says as he walks in the front door. It’s a little after nine and he’s finally getting home from work. I have spent the day doing nothing, and by nothing I mean trying to work out what the hell I should be doing with this so-called book I’ve decided I’m going to try and write. Apparently memories of doing this before, together with working in a library, have planted the idea in my head that I should attempt to write my own book. I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t the dumbest idea I’ve ever had.

“What’s happening?” he asks as he plants a kiss on the top of my head.

“Nothing, trying to write…so nothing,” I say, hitting save on the latest draft before throwing my laptop onto the couch beside me.

Ben walks to the opposite couch, sits down and starts unlacing his boots. “What’s wrong, something not working?” he asks, glancing up at me.

I sit back on the couch, pulling both of my feet onto the cushion and resting my hands on my knees. “Nothing is, it never has been,” I say, exhaling loudly as my head falls back.

“Why not?” he asks as I hear the thump of one boot hitting the floor.

“Because I don’t have a plot,” I say, frustrated. “I have no fucking idea what to write about.”

“I do,” Ben says simply, the sound of his other boot now hitting the floor.

“You do?” I ask, lifting my head to look at him.

“Yeah,” he says smiling as he pushes both of his boots to the end of the couch with his foot. This is where they will remain until he has to put them on to go back to work again, even if that day is sometime next week. Ben has a habit of leaving his things wherever he happens to take them off. Which, ever since we moved in together, can be pretty much anywhere in the flat. We’ve definitely been making up for lost time since we found each other again. Not just the time he spent recovering, but the four years before that. Now, we can barely keep our hands off each other and as a result, I’m regularly finding pieces of clothing all over the house.

My eyes flick to the boots and then back to Ben’s face where he’s wearing a cheeky grin because he knows exactly what I’m thinking. I shake my head at him, unable to stop the smile myself. He might drive me crazy, but he drives me the good crazy too and that always wins out.

“So,” I ask him. “What’s this idea of yours then, and please don’t tell me it’s going to be some sci-fi lesbian space odyssey again.”

Ben laughs and like always, it still makes my stomach flip. “Come on, it’s a good idea and you know it.”

I roll my eyes and laugh. “Yeah, best-seller for sure.”

Ben’s face is serious now, as he looks right at me. “So, why don’t you write about you?”

“What?” I ask confused.

“You, Evie. All of the things that have happened
to you
,” he says as though it’s obvious.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Write about your other lives, babe. The way you wake up in a life you know nothing about, how you don’t remember me, how you have to find your way home again. Write it all down, make that be your story.”

“Why?” I ask, not really sure I want to remember some of the things that have happened to me in the past.

“Why not, it’s your life, Evie, and it’s crazy and interesting and like nothing else out there. And hey, at least this way, you won’t ever forget it,” Ben says. I watch as he pulls off one of his socks now, throwing it in the direction of our bedroom, even though it falls well short. I shake my head at him again and he smiles, as he says, “What?” like he’s got no idea.

“Hopeless,” I whisper, as I tuck my legs underneath me on the couch.

“You love it, babe,” Ben says pulling his other sock off and sending it towards its mate. “But I am serious, Evie, I think it it’s important. I think it’s good to remember them.”

“But that’s the thing,” I tell him. “I don’t really care if I do remember all those other lives. Because, this,” I say gesturing around the room. “This is the only life that matters to me, the only life that I want to remember.”

Ben stands now as he says, “They all matter, Evie.”

I look up at the man who is my life, the only life I ever want to come back to and I can’t help but wonder for a second if he actually realises this. “Do they?” I ask. “Because, Ben, this one,” I say, gesturing towards him, “is the only one that matters to me.”

Ben reaches for the bottom of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head in one quick move and throwing it in the direction of his socks. I don’t even bother looking to see where it lands this time because right now, I’m too busy staring at his bare chest. God, he looks good.

“Evie,” he says, a smile in his voice as he stands there watching me stare at him.

“Yeah?” I murmur, my eyes still on his chest.

Ben clears his throat and I finally raise my eyes to his. This time, he’s the one shaking his head at me as he smirks and slowly starts to undo his belt. “They all matter, baby,” he says, pushing his work trousers down his legs. I swallow hard as I watch him undress in front of me. Even though I’ve seen him do this a thousand times before, I never get tired of it. I could watch it a million times more and I guarantee I’d react this way, every single time.

Looking at him, you’d never know he fractured his spine a couple of years ago. The man is walking perfection, and right now, I’m wondering if maybe he wouldn’t mind finishing this conversation later.

As if he reads my mind, Ben walks slowly towards me, wearing nothing but a pair of fitted black boxer briefs. My throat is completely dry and my heart is pounding in my chest. I can’t take my eyes off him. I’m completely mesmorised as I watch his long lean body and all of its defined muscle walking towards me. He stops right in front of me, as though he’s offering himself, waiting for me to do whatever I want to him. God the possibilities, I think to myself, incredibly turned on by the sight of Ben, practically naked in front of me.

“You know they all matter, Evie,” he finally says, his finger under my chin as he tilts my head so I’m forced to meet his stare instead of focusing on his hips, which are currently right in my line of sight.

I swallow. “Why, Ben?” I say, my voice catching. “Why do they matter so much?”

Ben laughs softly now. “They matter, Evie, because
you
matter. And these are the lives that always bring you back to me.” His hand moves to cup my cheek as he holds me in his gaze. “So actually, baby, they really do mean an awful lot to me.”

“They do,” I breathe out, not really sure what we’re talking about anymore.

Ben’s whole face lights up with a huge grin. The guy knows exactly what he’s doing to me; he’s distracting me with his body. And it’s working. I’m completely sucked in, entirely at his mercy and right now, he could ask me to do absolutely anything and I’d do it. He is beautiful and after everything that happened to him the night he fell and broke his back, I’m so glad that this, the physical side of him wasn’t taken away from him. I love Ben completely, love everything about him, but there’s something about the physical part of him that I’m pretty sure neither of us could live without.

He is raw, untamed power and strength, he always has been. He uses it to protect me, to look after me, and right now, he’s using it to seduce me.

And my god, do I want him.

“Stand up, Evie,” he commands now, his voice low. I stand immediately, my body so close to his and the air between us literally humming with energy. “Write them down,” he says, his voice a low growl. “Tell your story, baby. Tell
me
all of your stories.”

“You really want to know them?” I whisper, barely coherent anymore.

Ben takes a step closer, his hand sliding slowly around my waist as he bends down and whispers in my ear. “I really do.”

And then before I can say anything more, he picks me up and slings me over his shoulder, and walks us towards the bathroom where he steps over another pile of his clothes by the door and takes us both into the shower.

28th February 2004

Twenty-seven years old

The front door opens at seven and Ben walks in, throwing his bag on the floor and walking straight in to the kitchen.

“I thought you were working till eight,” I say, closing the fridge door.

Ben doesn’t say a word as he walks towards me and pulls me into his arms. I feel a gasp leave my throat before he presses his mouth hard against mine, stopping me from saying another word. His arms bind themselves around me, pulling me to him, while he kisses me in a way that can only be described as desperate.

My eyes close in understanding as I slide my hands under his jumper. We break apart only long enough for me to pull it over his head before our mouths are pressed together again and I’m throwing it on the floor somewhere. Ben picks me up in his arms, my legs circling his waist, and then he wordlessly walks me out of the kitchen and into our bedroom.

Dropping me on to the bed, he leans down and undoes my jeans, pulling them roughly off my legs, before doing the same thing to my jumper. As I lie back, dressed in only my underwear, I watch as Ben quickly pulls off the rest of his clothes. When he’s standing completely naked in front of me, he leans back down and slowly peels my knickers off, a look of intense want in his eyes as he follows their path down my legs. I reach behind and unsnap my bra, throwing it to the side and stretching my arms above my head, gripping the headboard behind me.

I know what’s happening here.

Ben picks up my right leg and presses a soft kiss to the sole of my foot, almost in apology, before he kisses and bites his way up the inside of my leg, his stubble gently scraping against my skin. When he reaches the top, he crawls onto the bed, kissing a trail up over my hip, my stomach, my ribs and my neck. He nibbles and bites at the skin just below my ear, before kissing his way across my jaw to my mouth.

When our lips finally meet in a hard kiss, Ben lets out a deep groan that I feel run all the way through me as he lays his chest against mine. His arms slide under my back, wrapping around me so tightly, I can barely breathe. It doesn’t matter, because right now, I can’t possibly get close enough to him.

“Ben…” I murmur, my fingers letting go of the headboard, sliding over his shoulders and digging into his back. My hips push up off the bed, desperately searching for him.

Ben lifts his head, his eyes locking with mine, as he understands and lifts his hips so he can slide inside me. I watch his pupils darken at the connection, feel the deep breath he exhales, heating my skin and sending a shiver down my spine.

My eyes close as his lips press against mine again, and without saying a word, he starts to move. Beneath him, my body feels like liquid, as though all of my muscles and all of my bones are moving to accommodate his. I feel goose bumps rise up all over me, but my skin is hot, sliding against Ben’s as he pushes into me, each time harder and deeper than the last.

He suddenly unwraps one arm, his fingers grabbing hold of my knee and hitching my leg higher on his hip so he can go even deeper. My breathing is hard now, the pounding of my heart forcing the air from my lungs as Ben continues to move harder and harder above me. My skin feels like it’s too tight for my own body, all of my muscles and bones trying to break free as a delicious tension starts to build.

“Ben…” I moan, my fingers tightening their grip on his back. I force my eyes to open and find him watching me, staring down at me as he watches me shatter beneath him. As I fall apart in his arms and his stare, I feel him pushing even harder, almost impossibly deeper, his body driving into mine until the only sound is the loud groan that falls from his lips before he collapses onto me.

My hands slide from his back, his skin slick with sweat. His arms are still wrapped around me, his face buried in my neck and I can feel the press of his lips against my skin now, tiny bites and kisses, as I sink into the bed beneath me.

We lie this way for what feels like forever before Ben eventually rolls to the side, taking me with him and pressing a long, deep kiss to my lips. “Hey, baby,” he finally whispers, his voice a low rumble in the dark. These are the first words he’s said since he came home.

My arm tightens around his waist. “Hey,” I whisper back. “You okay?”

Ben exhales, his fingers running up my spine as he pulls me closer. “No,” he admits and my fingers tighten at his hip as I lean up and kiss his jaw, wanting him to know I understand. He exhales again as he whispers, “I just don’t want you to go tonight, baby.”

I close my eyes, wishing for the exact same thing. Wishing more than ever that I could just stay, that I never had to leave him. “I know,” I breathe out, my words floating in the darkness.

Ben pulls me even closer, a pleading, whispered, “Stay,” falling from his lips. But there’s nothing I can say, so I don’t, and instead we lie wrapped together in the silence of our room. The knowledge of what’s going to happen tonight hanging over us.

“What are we going to tell people this time?” I eventually whisper. Ben’s fingers run through my hair, as he falls onto his back, taking me with him so my head lies on his chest. I can feel the steady thump of his heart beneath my cheek. Feel the shallow rise and fall of his stomach beneath my hand. I run my fingers up and down the light dusting of hair below his belly button and this time I feel the soft groan in his chest. “Ben?”

Ben catches my hand and brings it to his mouth, pressing a kiss to my palm. “I don’t know, baby,” he whispers, his voice weighed down with sadness.

I shift my head so it’s resting on his shoulder and Ben turns to look at me. His blue eyes are nearly black in the darkness of our room, but I can still see all of the pain and sorrow in them. “Please don’t tell them we’ve had a fight,” I beg.

Ben pulls me closer, tightening his arms around me. “I won’t, Evie. I promise I won’t.”

“That can never happen again,” I whisper against his cheek. “I don’t ever want people to think that’s the reason I’m gone.” Ben turns so his mouth is against mine and I’m kissing his lips again, an urgent hunger flaring low in my belly as our mouths crash together.

“Evie,” Ben whispers. “Please…stay. Please…”

His words break me, the sorrow I hear in his voice curling around my heart and squeezing it like a vice. Tonight, it all just feels too raw. It feels more painful than ever before. Maybe because of everything that’s happened these last few years and maybe because of everything we nearly lost. I don’t know. The only thing I do know is I just don’t want to lose this again. I can’t bear to let this all go and lose him.

Ben rolls me onto my back, his body blanketing mine as he kisses me. He’s slower this time, as though he’s trying to make it last. As though he isn’t ever going to let it end. I’m desperately trying to hold on, to make it last forever.

But it can’t, and eventually, with pounding hearts and heavy breaths we both fall apart, unable to hold on any longer.

“Don’t go, baby…”

His voice, heavy with sleep, reaches into my body, wrapping around me and holding on to my bones, almost as though he can keep me here with these words. We are both struggling to stay awake, desperately trying to hold on to these last few seconds together, but worn out by trying to make the most of every single one of them.

“I don’t want to go, Ben,” I whisper to him, my fingers tightening around his.

Somewhere in the distance, I hear the beeping of my watch and I force my eyes open. Ben is lying on his side facing me. His eyes are closed, but when I whisper, “Ben?” they slowly open.

“I love you,” he whispers to me. “Please stay, baby…please.”

I blink.

When I open my eyes again, Ben is still laying there, my fingers in his.

“Ben,” I whisper again, trying desperately to hold on.

“Love you…” floats across the bed, as my fingers tighten.

Trying to hold on.

I blink again, my eyes heavy with exhaustion. When they open, I think I see Ben, still lying beside me.

“I love you too…” I whisper into the darkness.

I blink once more.

Ben…

Then my eyes close and I sink into the blackness.