Losing Him (12 page)

The sad part was that I wanted to be with Jessie more than anything. Still, he was a live wire, sitting and waiting for me to fuck up. It was the same story, but always a different day.

Jacob made out like it was Christmas from the toys we found in the attic. He was set up with cars and army men. For the rest of the evening he played with his newfound toys, quietly. Even Jessie played a little bit with him, reminding himself that he was once a kid too.

After the lawyer left, I felt like I had a lot to think about. Between Jessie asking me to move back in with him, and thinking about letting go of my mother’s house, I knew which one I wanted to choose. It was hard to not be excited, even when I felt like we might be rushing back into things. I don’t know why it was a big deal. We’d lived together before and been happy. I knew it could be that way again.

When we finally sat down for dinner, it was great to be together holding hands and saying grace. Jacob was little, but I think he knew how special it was. His daddy and I hadn’t been spending any time together for months. This was a huge deal.

I think Jessie could tell that I was happy. Considering why we were there, I wasn’t siting around crying. For the first time in months, I was optimistic.

After dinner the three of us decided to go out to a movie that was being held at a local church. It wasn’t the one that my mother attended, but the whole town was invited. The feature was a kid friendly movie and family’s could lay blankets and chairs on the grass and cuddle up together.

I figured that it wouldn’t be a big deal since it wasn’t happening until it was dark. Even if someone was there that didn’t care for me, we wouldn’t have to see them.

I was wrong.

The movie had started and we were comfortable on our little blanket. Jacob had a juice box and some fruit snacks to eat. Jessie was holding me in his arms, playing with my hands. It was heaven.

Then Jacob had to use the bathroom, which was a porta-pot that had been set up in the parking lot. Jessie offered to take him, but it really wasn’t a big deal, so I insisted. Once I got him inside, I closed the door and waited outside. To my left I could hear someone getting sick. They were in one of the portable bathrooms. Instead, they were hunched over in the grass beside it. It was so dark that I could only make out that it was a woman. She kept gagging and hurling.

I rushed into the porta-pot and grabbed her some paper to wipe off her face. When I reached her again, she was still getting sick. “Miss, I grabbed you some tissue. Are you alright? Do you need me to call someone?”

She shook her head and spit a few more times. “My family is here. I’ll be okay.”

“How about I just stand here with you until someone comes?”

She nodded, but continued to throw up. I watched her pull out her phone and send a message in the midst of her vomiting. At one point she gagged so much that I held onto her back. She was smaller than me in stature and wore a baseball cap with her hair pulled out of the back. I felt so sorry for her and her family. They had come out for a family night and she was so ill.

I heard his voice and didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.

“Baby, I was looking for you. I told you to stay home and rest.” Ty’s voice was just as familiar to me as it had been when we were children.

I froze.

How was I suppose to react?

At that same time, Jacob came rushing out of the porta-pot. I looked over and saw Jessie approaching. He must have gotten worried because I was taking forever. Jacob ran out to him. “Dad, I could hear my poop falling into that toilet hole. It was so cool!”

Jessie looked over and saw me standing in between two strangers. “Babe, you okay?”

I couldn’t speak. Realizing that I was right in between Ty and Miranda was horrific. I just looked at him with worried eyes.

“Heather, are you alright?” He asked again.

In one second, Miranda was spinning around and Ty was grabbing my shirt. They both just looked right at me. Miranda, having just puked up her organs, shoved me back, almost into her husband.

Jessie wasn’t having someone shove me. He put Jacob down and approached us. “What the hell, lady. Don’t touch her like that!”

Ty walked up and shoved Jessie. “Back off, dude. You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Jessie wasn’t one to back off, though. He came at Ty. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Finally, I knew I couldn’t have them fighting. I pushed them apart and looked from one man to the other. “Jessie, stop!”

“What?” He looked at me puzzled.

I put my head down. “This is Ty and his wife Miranda.”

“Did they follow you over here?” He seemed angry.

“No! I saw someone getting sick, so I wanted to help. I didn’t know…”

“You’re the last person that I would ever want help from. I’d rather keel over and die than get help from you!” Miranda hated me. That wasn’t anything new.

“Hold on a minute. It’s been years. How about we act like adults?” Jessie was attempting to help, but I could tell that it wasn’t going to go well.

Miranda pointed at me. “This bitch almost killed me and my boys. I don’t ever have to be nice to her. Why don’t you take her pathetic ass back to whatever town you came from and don’t come back!”

Jacob was hiding behind my legs. I felt so bad that he was a part of all of this. “Please. Our son is here. Can we just walk away, before he hears anything else?”

“Please! Walk very far way!” Miranda added.

I grabbed Jessie’s arm, but he pulled away from me.  “What do you mean, she almost killed you?”

Ty grabbed Miranda. “Leave it alone, baby. Let’s just get you home.”

She tugged her way out of his arms. “No! he needs to know the monster that he’s living with. He needs to know what this bitch is capable of.”

Before anyone else could speak, I saw Conner walking between us and right up to his sister. “Enough, Randa!”

I hadn’t seen the man so mad since he’d told me his intentions of getting to know me. We all just stood there watching him directing his sister. “He needs to know.”

Conner shook his head. “It’s not your place. She didn’t make you drive that car and you know it.”

She pointed toward me again. “She made sure that I wanted to leave. She wanted me out of the picture.”

“I never meant to hurt anyone, I swear!”

Ty looked at me and I almost could see that he knew I was telling the truth. I hadn’t gone there that day hoping she would die. I just wanted them to break up.

I started crying. “I wish I could take it all back. You don’t know how sorry I am.”

“You don’t deserve to be a mother, Heather. Everything you touch turns to shit! I wish you’d just disappear. It isn’t like anyone would ever miss you!”

Ty and Conner grabbed each of her arms and started pulling her away from us. Conner looked back at me. “Sorry about this.”

I covered my face with my hands, but Jessie didn’t come to comfort me. “Let’s go! Now!”

I followed behind him knowing that my happy time had ended. I’d lied to him, yet again and he wasn’t going to let it go. He was going to leave and there was nothing that I could do to stop him.

We gathered our things and headed for the car. In the distance I could see Amy trying to talk to Miranda. Ty was leaning against his car, while little kids ran around with flashlights.

All I wanted was to be able to get passed everything that had happened. Sadly, it was never going to happen. I had to get out of this town, because there was nothing here for me anymore. Loving Ty had ruined my life. Losing Jessie was going to kill me.

Not a single word was spoken between me and Jessie the whole car ride. I had so much that I wanted to say, but the words just wouldn’t come. No matter how many ways I tried to come up with a logical explanation, I knew Jessie wasn’t going to care.

I’d had my chance to come clean. I’d promised him that there was nothing else to tell. Leave it to me to keep the worst part of it all from him. I felt awful inside, knowing that the only person I had to blame was myself.

This time, when they climbed out of the car and I stayed, they said nothing. Jessie was furious with me. All I could do was sit there and cry.

How could my life had gone so wrong? All I wanted was to be in love. I wanted someone to love me. Maybe I was just impossible to love.

Knowing that I couldn’t stay in the car any longer, I made my way into the house. Jessie was coming down the hallway, with not only his bag, but Jacob’s too.

I tried to grab one of them. “Wait! What are you doing?”

“I’m taking my son home. This was a mistake, Heather. I gave you a chance to explain things. You told me that I knew everything.”

“I’m sorry. Please just let me explain?” I begged.

He pulled his arm away from me and got right up in my face. “You’re nothing but a liar. I don’t know what you did to that woman, but it’s clear that you’re hiding  shit from me. I can’t trust you, Heather. I can’t be with someone that can’t tell me the truth.”

Jacob was sitting on the couch playing with his toys. Jessie looked over at him. “Come on, buddy.”

“Wait! Please don’t take him, Jess. Let me explain. Just hear me out. I’ll tell you everything.”

Jacob walked over and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you, Mommy.”

I bent down and hugged him so tight. “I love you, so much! Be good for Daddy. I’ll be home as soon as I can, okay?”

“Don’t cry, Mommy.”

“I’m just going to miss you.” I couldn’t tell him that Jessie was taking him away from me on purpose.

“Will you come home soon?”

I nodded and kissed him. “I will be as fast as I can.”

When I stood back up Jessie was walking out the door. “I’m taking your car, since you have your mother’s.”

I ran out after them. “Jess, please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me.”

He got Jacob in the car and stood to face me. “I really thought you changed, but you’re still that fucked up girl that showed up on my doorstep. Don’t worry about our son. I’ll take care of him.”

I was crying loudly and I couldn’t stop. “Please don’t take my baby from me. Please!”

He climbed in the car and pulled away without saying another word. I couldn’t believe that it had all really happened. I was flabbergasted and an emotional wreck. Everything that I loved had just drove away in a car, leaving me all alone.

Chapter 16

Jessie

I should have known better than to believe her. I just wanted things to work out, so that we could raise our son together. Heather didn’t realize that all of this wasn’t just hurting her. It was hurting me too.

She’d ripped out my heart and did not even paid attention to my feelings. As sorry as I was that she’d been through Hell and back, I couldn’t condone her lying to me. I was willing to forgive her for everything, if she’d just come clean.

Maybe I shouldn’t have left her there, but I had better things to do then sit by and be walked all over. Heather needed to learn that she’d never be happy if she couldn’t be honest with people.

Jacob cried for the first half hour that we were driving home. I felt horrible, taking him away from his mother like that. My anger had gotten the best of me. Before I knew what I was doing, Jacob and I were already on the road. My son had been dealing with this shit for too long. He needed a stable environment with no fighting. Had I not walked to check on them, I don’t know what would have happened in front of him. It could have been so much worse.

Looking back, I should have let her tell me what they were talking about. Obviously Heather had done something and put Ty’s wife in danger. I got that much out of the conversation. At this point, it didn’t even matter if I ever found out. I was done with it all.

Heather could take that fucking wedding dress and find someone else, because I was taking myself out of that equation.

About two hours into the ride, Jacob asked if we could stop. I found a fast-food place that was still open and we went inside so that he could use the bathroom. After he was finished, I got him something to snack on and we headed back to the car. “Daddy, can we go back to Mommy now?”

I looked down at him. “Jacob, I know you don’t understand it right now, but you’re mom and I just can’t work things out. We tried, buddy. I swear we did.”

“But, I just want to see Mommy. She was so sad. I don’t want her to be sad. We should have helped her feel better. You should have hugged her.”

I patted him on the shoulder. “Mommy will be okay. We can call her when we get home. Is that okay?”

He shrugged and his bottom lip stuck out more than normal. I felt bad for him. “I don’t like you!”

I was shocked that he’d said that to me. “Why?”

“Because Mommy needs us and you left her. You are a big fat meanie head! She said she was sorry and you don’t care. I want to go back!” He started screaming at the top of his lungs. “I want Mommy! I want Mommy!”

I didn’t know what to do. He’d never acted that way around me. People were starting to look at me, like I had kidnapped him. In a desperate attempt to get him to shut up, I crouched down and held up my hands. “Jacob, stop it! Stop it right now!”

A tear was falling down his cheek. Seeing him hurt was breaking my heart. I thought about Heather, begging for me to listen. I thought about how hard her life had been and how she’d been running from it for years. I thought about really living my life without her.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had overreacted and held a grudge over something that happened years ago. Sure, she had kept it from me, but that was her right. After what she’d already told me, I could see that she’d done it because it hurt her so much. It had been the worst time in her life.

What kind of man had I become? Did I really let hate rip apart a family? I sat down on the curb next to my son and ran my hands over my face. “Buddy, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so mean to Mommy. She just made me so mad.”

“When I get mad at my friends, Mommy tells me to forgive them. She says that everybody makes mistakes. Timmy Wallace stole my carpet square at reading time for a whole week. I told him we couldn’t be friends anymore, but Mommy told me to forgive him.” He sat there acting so mature, like he had all the answers in life.