Lorie's Heart (23 page)

“Does
Mamm
know?”

“No, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm home now.”

Sadie nodded. “Best to let your transgressions die a quiet death.”

“Do you think the church will be really hard on me?”

Her sister dropped onto her bed and sat cross-legged in the middle. Methodically, she began to brush her hair. “I don't know. I mean, you aren't baptized.”

“But I missed two baptism classes.”

“
Jah,
for sure Bishop Treger was not happy when he came to talk to
Mamm.
”

Lorie winced, imagining how that conversation went.

“
Mamm
tried to explain to him that you had taken
Dat'
s death hard and probably should have waited until next year before beginning classes. She even told him that she had pressured you to join the church before you were ready.”

“She said that?”

“It's the honest truth.”

Lorie knew her sister spoke the truth, but she was still surprised that her
mamm
understood. “I suppose that I will have to wait until next year to join the church.” It wasn't all cut and dried, but it surely would have been easier if it was.

“What about Jonah?”

“Were you telling the truth when you said he wasn't seeing anyone else?”

“Of course.” Sadie set her brush to one side and pulled her hair together at her nape and started to braid it. “I think he's been waiting for you to return. I heard that Sarah Yoder was hoping that once you left, he would notice her, but Jonah has never had feelings for anyone but you.”

But could he get over her leaving? Did she ever want him to?

Sadie tied a handkerchief around the top of her hair and waited for Lorie to follow suit. “Are you ready to turn out the light?”

She nodded. She was exhausted. The day had been long and stressful and for now all she wanted to do was sleep. Surely when she was asleep she'd have fewer opportunities to think about Zach and everything she'd left behind.

Sadie turned off the battery-operated lantern, and the girls crawled into their beds. Lorie had forgotten how quiet and dark it was in Amish country. There were no shining streetlights or cars zooming past. If she listened very closely, she could just hear the hum of the traffic on the highway, but the sound was so faint it was more like the hum of Ashtyn's refrigerator than the roar of traffic.

“I kept the rest of your paintings,” Sadie said quietly. “The ones you left in the storeroom.”

“Why didn't you throw them away?” Lorie asked across the darkness. It would have been easier not to see them ever again. But she was thrilled nonetheless.

Sadie's bedsprings squeaked as she turned to face Lorie. “I couldn't have put them in the garbage. They are a part of you. And quite beautiful, I might add.”

“You think so? I mean, you don't think they are sinful?”

“How could something so lovely be a sin,
Shveshtah?
”

Lorie had asked that very same thing more times than she could count. How could she have these pictures in her head? Were they not from God? She had the ability to paint, and though they weren't very good in her eyes, they were as necessary as breathing. She had a burning inside her to create these pictures. Was it from God? How could she believe that it came from anywhere else? “You really think they're good?”

“
Jah,
I do.” Silence fell between them and for a moment Lorie wondered if her sister had drifted off to sleep. “There's something special about your paintings,” she said. “I'm not sure what, but when I saw them, I could just tell. After you left I went to the library and looked at this book filled with photographs of these paintings by great
Englisch
artists. They were so beautiful and amazing, even though they don't look like the real object that was painted.”

“Picasso and Van Gogh?”

Sadie sat up in her bed. “How did you know?”

“Zach said something about it.” It was the first time she had said his name since Luke had dropped her off.

“I don't know if yours are as good as theirs. I'm just an Amish girl, but your paintings gave me the same feelings that theirs did. Does that makes sense?”

“I think so.”

“They were good feelings. Happy feelings. How can that be bad, Lorie?”

She didn't have the answer and didn't try to give one. She didn't understand it either, but somewhere along the way, some bishop or church leader decided that painting was vanity or false gods and idols, something that made it a sin for the Amish people. Lorie wasn't about to question their judgment now. She had already done that and look where it had gotten her.

“We all struggle in some way, Lorie. The secret is learning to keep the balance.”

When had her sister gotten so wise?

Keep the balance. That was exactly what Lorie intended to do.

 

 

“I was afraid of this.”

Zach looked up from his plate to study his mother's expression. “Afraid of what?”

“That she would leave and you would be brokenhearted.”

He scoffed. “My heart's not broken.” He took a bite of his casserole as if to prove his point.

Mom wiped her mouth and gave him that look.

She didn't understand. Zach couldn't be brokenhearted. He would have to love Lorie for something like that to be true. He enjoyed the time he had spent with her, but he didn't love her. Not really. How could he? They'd only shared one kiss. Love took a lot more than that to grow.

“What?” he asked as she continued to monitor him.

“Are you going to tell me why she left?”

He shrugged. “You know all there is to know. The letter she left for Ashtyn said that it was time to go back to where she belongs.” It still rankled that Lorie left an explanation for Ashtyn, but not one word for him. He thought they were better friends than that.

More than friends,
the tiny voice inside him whispered.

Yeah, maybe more than friends. Or at least they could have been if they'd been given a little more time. Or if she hadn't run out.

“I don't understand,” Mom said. “She seemed to like it here well enough.”

He didn't either, but he had stopped trying to figure out females in elementary school. “I guess being away from her family was too hard on her.” He shrugged. “I don't know.” He wished he did.

He refused to believe that telling her they needed to slow things down between them was the reason she left. She said she'd understood. She said she wasn't a child. But what if she didn't? What if she said that just to save face?

She might look like an English girl, but that didn't mean she was. She was still Amish at heart, raised by conservative beliefs and strict rules. Suddenly, he felt as if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Lorie's first day back at the restaurant was both comforting and sad. Most of the diners were tourists and didn't know that she had just returned from the
Englisch
world, but a few were long-standing members of the community both
Englisch
and Amish. Their response to her ranged from utter joy that she was back to thinly veiled uncertainty as to whether or not she would stay.

But her own heart soared as the afternoon neared. Caroline and Emily walked in.

“There you are!” Caroline exclaimed, rushing over to wrap Lorie in a warm hug. Lorie closed her eyes against the happiness she felt at seeing her friends again.

“Can you sit with us?” Caroline asked, once Emily had taken her turn hugging the breath from Lorie.

She turned toward Sadie who waved her away with one hand. “I can handle it if you want to take a break.”

Lorie smiled at her in gratitude, then the three of them found a booth. The lunch crowd had trickled down to a couple of diners and the dinner crowd wasn't due for a couple more hours. By then Lorie would be at home getting Daniel off the bus, but for now she wanted to catch up with her friends.

“Are you going to tell us what happened?” Caroline asked. “Or are you going to make us guess?”

“You mean I haven't been the talk of the sewing circle?”

“Oh, you have been,” Emily assured her. “We just weren't sure how much of it was true.”

Lorie started at the beginning, recounting her tale from the time she fell asleep in the storeroom till her arrival back in Wells Landing the day before.

Caroline sat up straight in the booth, her eyes wide. “That's some story.”

“I'll say,” Emily agreed. “I can't believe that you met your grandmother.”

“Both of them,” Caroline said.

“I'm not sure I would believe it either if I hadn't lived it myself.”

“I knew that box was going to lead to trouble.” Emily shook her head.

But it wasn't the box, but how Lorie had reacted to it. She thought she could keep a foot in both worlds, but that proved impossible. As much as she enjoyed all things
Englisch,
how could she stay there without a decent-paying job, without her family, without Zach caring for her as much as she had him?

“I'm glad I found out about my family,” Lorie said. “I learned a lot while I was away.” In those short weeks she had learned that the
Englisch
world was hard to live in and the Amish were ill prepared to survive there on their own. Her first clue should have been the transition house that Luke had moved into shortly after he left. It was a rental that the owners saved for ex-Amish who wanted to leave their church. No one stayed at the house for very long, but all were young men who wanted to get a fresh start in the
Englisch
world.

“Now you're back,” Caroline said. “And planning to stay?” It was more of a question than an observation.

“
Jah,
” Lorie said. “Of course.” She had said the words so many times in the last two days that they were getting easier and easier to say. But she understood what the words said that no one else did. That she would never see Zach or Betty again. She would never wear her jeans or little animal-print shoes or even find out what leprechaun pudding was. But that was a small price to pay to stay with her family. She couldn't live without her friends and her siblings. Every time the Amish way of life got too stifling, she would remember that she had returned for them. Always for them.

“Have you seen Jonah?” Emily asked.

Lorie shook her head. “You're as bad as Sadie.”

“Well, he isn't seeing anyone yet.”

“Caroline,” Lorie pleaded.

“It's true,” Emily added. “Well, except for Sarah Yoder. She started coming around just after you left.”

“Sadie said she had a thing for Jonah.”

“I don't think he has a thing for her,” Caroline said.

“I wouldn't be so sure,” Emily countered. “I heard they went out twice already.”

“That's only because he didn't think Lorie was coming back.”

Lorie swung her gaze from friend to friend as Emily and Caroline discussed the potentially budding relationship between Sarah and Jonah.

Emily sat back in the booth and crossed her arms. “I say now that Lorie is back, Jonah will drop Sarah like a hot potato, and that will be that.”

“I hope not.” Lorie wasn't sure how she felt about that. She cared for Jonah. She truly did, but after having such a sweet relationship with Zach, she wasn't sure she wanted to go back to the arguments and tension she shared with her onetime love. Then again, look how her time with Zach turned out. Their time together might have been more evenly tempered, but it sure didn't mean much to him.

“Well, are you?” Caroline asked.

Lorie pulled herself from her thoughts and focused on her friend. “Am I what?”

“Going to see him before church,” Caroline repeated.

Lorie shook her head. “I don't think so.”

“You know church is at their house this week.”

Great. Sunday was a church day. She had lost track of the count when she was in Tulsa. So much for delaying her talk with Jonah. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to him. She just didn't know how to explain. Zach's excuse of “it's not you; it's me” came to mind, but this time it really applied. Jonah hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't his fault that her father died, that she discovered his tattoo and that led her to a web of deceit.

“Saturday, we're planning a buddy bunch day. Can you come?” Emily asked.

“I don't see why not.” Other than the fact that it would put her a day closer to a confrontation with Jonah. He was part of their buddy bunch. If she was lucky, he would have other plans and couldn't attend.

“We're taking a picnic to Millers' Pond to swim,” Caroline added.

So much for that idea. Maybe she should get it over with and talk to him then. Or maybe she should be really brave and go talk to him tomorrow.
Jah,
that would be best. Whatever they decided they could show everyone at the picnic, instead of having a public confrontation as their first meeting since her return.

“Can you bring some chips and drinks?” Emily asked. “That wouldn't be hard to get together between now and then.”

“Sure,
jah.
”

Caroline clapped her hands together in excitement. “It'll be just like old times,” she gushed. “I can hardly wait.”

Lorie put off talking to Jonah until Friday before their buddy day.

She stood at the door of his house, trying to get the courage up to knock. “Chicken,” she muttered to herself, and raised her hand to knock.

Gertie Miller answered the door on the second knock. She dried her hands on a dishtowel and other than raising her brows in question, she didn't appear to be overly surprised that Lorie was there.

“I was wondering when you would come by.” Short and round, Gertie Miller was the exact opposite of her son, though she did lend him her wheat-blond hair and tawny eyes.

“Hello, Gertie Miller. Is Jonah home?”

“
Jah.
He's in the barn with his
dat.
”

“
Danki.
” She gave a small nod to Jonah's mother and turned to go to the barn and talk to her longtime suitor.

“Lorie.”

She turned as Gertie called her name. “
Jah?
”

“We're glad you're home.”

She gave Jonah's mother a grateful smile, but it felt like one she had seen on the mouth of a plastic doll. She wished she was as happy about being home as everyone else seemed to be.

“Give it some time,” she muttered to herself as she headed for the barn. This year had been filled with too many changes. Things had to settle down soon, maybe after Melanie's wedding. That was the next big change the Kauffmans faced. Maybe after that, everything would return to normal. Or as normal as it could be considering all they had been through this year.

The interior of the barn was cool and dark as she stepped inside away from the bright rays of the summer sun.

“Jonah?” she called.

“Back here,” he called, followed by, “Lorie, is that you?”

“
Jah.
” She followed the sound of his voice until she found him, tending to a mare who was about to foal.

“What are you doing here?” Not
it's good to see you again
. Or
when did you get back?

“I came to talk to you, but . . .” She took a step backward. “I can see you're busy. We can do this later.”

“Jonathan,” he called, giving the mare one last reassuring pat on the neck.

His brother appeared from the tack room holding a harness in one hand. “
Jah?
” Then he caught sight of Lorie and stiffened. “Hi, Lorie.”

She dipped her chin in response.

“Can you keep an eye on Joni? I think she has a couple of hours yet, but just in case.”

“
Jah,
sure.” Jonathan hung the leather on a hook by the door.

“Take a walk with me?” Jonah asked.

Lorie made her way to the door of the barn with Jonah right behind her. Together they stepped into the bright sun. Lorie shaded her eyes as Jonah motioned for them to take the path through the cornfields, the one that led to the pond.

“Caroline and Emily told me there was a buddy day tomorrow,” she said as they walked.

“And you're thinking about coming?”

“It is my buddy group too.”

He sighed. “You're right. Of course.”

“I just thought it best that we figure out how we want to handle the situation before we are actually in it.”

“And what do you suggest we do?”

“That depends on you,” she said.

They had reached the crop of trees that surrounded the pond. Lorie wound through the big oaks and pines that made up the oasis in the middle of the Miller cornfield. Jonah was quiet as he followed behind her.

Haphazard rays of sun made their way through the branches of the trees and sparkled off the water. Lorie loved coming to the pond. Loved swimming here and the time spent picnicking and just relaxing on the banks.

She settled down on a fallen log, waiting for him to answer. He remained standing, looking as if he was about to start pacing at any moment.

“I don't know how to act, Lorie. I don't know what to do about any of this.”

She nodded. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“It shouldn't have bothered me so much,” he said, sitting on the ground beside her. She could reach out and touch him, but he seemed so far away. “We were broken up when you left. But it did.” He picked up a rock and skimmed it across the water. It skipped three times before sinking.

“I hurt a lot of people,” she said. “Though that was never my intention.” She shook her head, trying to get all her thoughts in one place. “I just had so many questions.”

“And now?” He pitched another stone into the pond.

Zach's face appeared in her mind. “I realize finding those answers wasn't worth hurting the people I care about the most.”
Or breaking my own heart in the process.

He stopped collecting rocks to skip and looked at her. It was the first time he had done that since she arrived at his house. “You're different now.”

“That's crazy.”

“
Nay,
it's not. I can't tell you what it is, but somehow you're different.”

Lorie grabbed a stone off the pile he had collected and flung it toward the water. She got two skips before it sank.

“If you don't want to talk about it, I understand.”

“There's nothing to talk about.” Two skips and her second rock dropped to the bottom.

Jonah pushed to his feet and took a rock of his own. “Like this.” He threw it side-armed, the rock skipping four times before disappearing under the water's surface.

“Impressive.” She mimicked his throw, but only managed three skips.

“Yeah, but I can't get more than four.”

“That's better than I'm doing.” She tossed another one, but lost her form. The rock sank like a leaky boat.

He pitched another. “Everyone is going to be watching us tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“How are we going to respond?”

She didn't know why everyone would make a big deal out of it, only that they would. “We've known each other too long to be hostile to each other.”