Lizzie's Secret (33 page)

‘We kept moaning about the phoney war,' Beth said that morning of July 1940 and wriggled uncomfortably in her chair. Now nearly eight months gone, she'd grown very large recently and had finally been forced to give up work. Whenever she could, she came round to Lizzie for a coffee or a chat, helping her with anything that needed doing. ‘I wish we could go back, Lizzie, forget all this horrid business. They say the Hun sticks babies on bayonets and roast them over a fire…'

‘Don't have nightmares, love,' Lizzie said smiling at her; she was just over five months and showing little sign of her pregnancy. ‘I don't believe that for a moment, besides, we're ready for them if they do try to invade – and our air force is doing a great job patrolling the skies… and the Army boys are just getting on with things, despite all the setbacks at Dunkirk last month.'

Beth sighed and pressed a hand to her back, the strain showing in her face. She'd been fine until the last couple of weeks, but now her ankles had swollen and she was feeling low.

‘Are you in pain, love?' Lizzie asked, full of sympathy. ‘It can't be much longer surely?'

‘I don't know where I shall have the baby. I can't put all that on Madge because she couldn't cope. The hospitals are full of wounded soldiers these days. I was booked in at the London, but I'm not sure they're still taking maternity cases.'

‘Don't worry, they will find room for you somewhere,' Lizzie replied. ‘I know you feel awful, Beth love, but it could be worse.'

‘Yes, they'll start bombing us next,' Beth grumbled. ‘Bernie says it's bound to happen.' She was still in touch with her boss at the munitions factory and he'd promised her her job back when she was ready.

‘I suppose it will.'

‘Sometimes I feel like running away…'

‘Where would you go? Once they start bombing us they will be all over the country, so it won't make much difference,' Lizzie said. ‘All the big towns and cities, especially where they have important factories, will catch it, Beth.'

‘I know…' Beth sighed. ‘It's just that I don't want to be a nuisance to Madge and Ed. You'll be all right, Lizzie. When you get near your time, you can go and stay with Harry's family – but I can't ask Madge to run up and down stairs for me, can I?'

‘No, you can't. You will have to go into hospital, Beth…'

‘Has Harry been home since last month?'

‘I told you he came on a flying visit for a few hours but that was weeks ago.'

‘We're a pair, aren't we?' Beth said. ‘Neither of us is really happy – no, don't pretend, Lizzie. I don't know what happened between you and Harry but I know something did.'

‘Yes. I wish it hadn't, but it did and things aren't the same. He was almost like a stranger when he came home…' Lizzie caught her breath. ‘He did telephone last week; told me he'd been transferred to a new unit. He was flying special missions before but now he will be on bombers I think…' She shuddered, because even though she hadn't forgiven Harry for hurting her, she wanted him to come back safe. She often felt as if she were being racked by her conflicting emotions, because Harry was the father of her child and Lizzie was more and more aware of the new life within her. At first she'd felt resentment, but that was against her husband – she couldn't resent an innocent child. ‘I can't bear to think of it, Beth. I really hate what's happening now.'

‘Bernie asked me to marry him,' Beth said suddenly, bringing Lizzie's eyes to hers in shock. ‘He says he's too old to have a child of his own and he would be happy to be a father to mine.'

‘You told him the truth then?'

‘He guessed and asked me straight out so I told him. I thought he might sack me, but there was no way I could keep on lying to him – and then he said he was glad. He was sorry that Mark had been lost at sea but he says he loves me and wants to make an honest woman of me.'

‘Will you marry him, Beth? It would make your life so much easier – and you like him a lot, don't you?'

‘No one could help liking Bernie,' Beth said. ‘He's strict over work but he's fair and he's generous. I don't mind the limp – he got that from the last war - and he isn't bad-looking, but I'm not sure I ought to marry him. Liking isn't the same as being in love, Lizzie.' She shook her head. ‘Would it be fair if I can't love him the way he loves me, because I'm still in love with Mark. I think about him and I cry, even though I know he's gone – and, as for Bernie, when the baby is born, is he going to resent it?'

‘Surely he wouldn't ask if he felt like that, Beth?'

‘I think it might happen one day…' She sighed and heaved herself from the chair. ‘I'd better go. Madge worries if I'm away too long.'

‘Beth, if anything happens – if the baby starts, ring me and I'll come.'

‘You're busy, and what could you do?' Beth said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. ‘It will be a doctor I need. Don't worry, Lizzie. I dare say I'll have plenty of time to get to the hospital when the time comes. I just felt like a moan.'

‘What does your mum say?'

‘She says she'll be coming round all the time when the birth is imminent and that there's nothing to worry about.'

‘Well, I suppose she's had four children…'

‘Yes.' Beth's throat caught and she struggled to hold in the emotion. ‘Mum has been a brick. I know she won't let me down – even though Dad hasn't forgiven me.'

Saying her farewells to Lizzie, Beth went downstairs and out of the side door. She looked back at her friend and waved, feeling the uncertainty and loneliness sweep over her. It was so much better when she was with Lizzie or her mother. Madge and Ed were kind and treated her as family; she was grateful, but she dreaded the times when she was alone in her small room and had nothing to do but think of Mark.

Beth shook her head as she walked slowly back to Madge and Ed's home. If she married Bernie she would have to leave their house, but she really didn't know if she wanted to be his wife. How could she sleep next to him at night and accept his kisses, the touch of his hands on her body, when she still longed for Mark? It wouldn't be fair to Bernie or her. Sometimes she thought it would be worth it to be safe and comfortable, to have someone take care of her – and then she thought again and realised she wasn't ready to marry anyone but Mark yet, perhaps she never would be.

Her throat was tight and she struggled to keep the tears back. Why did Mark have to die? She still loved him so much… still longed to see his face and touch him. Yet she knew he was lost to her.

‘Oh Mum,' she whispered as the tears trickled slowly down her cheeks. ‘Mum, I want to come home…'

*

Beth was feeling very sorry for herself, and Lizzie could understand why. It must be awful to be in her position. Lizzie sometimes felt fed up because Harry's aunt and uncle fussed over her too much, reminding her to keep her appointments at the clinic and asking if she was eating properly. Lizzie was working harder than ever. She'd thought their supplies of material might have started to run out by now, but Uncle Bertie seemed to have plenty. She was finding that most women were going for plainer hats at the moment. They admired the frivolous ones but then put them back and said there was a war on and they mustn't be wasteful. She felt wistful sometimes as she added just a ribbon or a feather, missing the yards of tulle, net and silk flowers she'd used on most of her special designs. She could still sell a cloche with a ribbon and a single flower, but the fussy big-brimmed hats were not as popular at the moment.

Sebastian's manager had not been to see her for three months. She sometimes thought it wasn't worth keeping the bespoke business going. Uncle Bertie would love it if she just concentrated on his end of the business. Well, did it matter if she no longer had the freedom to design beautiful hats? With men dying and the news from abroad looking grimmer all the time, silk hats seemed less important than they once had. She would have a child in a few months and perhaps Harry would come home for the birth and things would be better. They could never be the same as they were once, but perhaps they could find a way to be at least friends…

It was her fault he didn't come home much, Lizzie knew, because when he'd tried to take her in his arms and kiss her she'd held back. Seeing the hurt in his eyes, she'd felt sorry and tried to overcome her feelings but she couldn't help the shudder that went through her.

Harry had apologised more than once and she knew he'd been in a state that night. She sometimes lay and thought of him up there in the plane with the others, knowing that he was terrified and trying not to show it – not to be a coward. The least she could do was to be a loving wife when he came home – and yet she couldn't. Harry should not have taken his anger and resentment out on her, and even though she wanted to forgive him it wasn't possible to forget.

Thinking about her own problems wouldn't help anyone, Lizzie knew – but perhaps she might be able to help Beth. At least it was worth a try…

*

‘I don't know if you're aware of how Beth is living, Mr Court,' Lizzie said. She heard Beth's mother's indrawn breath. ‘The lady she lives with is a semi-invalid and if the baby starts Madge wouldn't be able to do much – or even run for the doctor…'

‘In that case she should look for somewhere else to live,' Beth's father said harshly. ‘There must be plenty of lodging houses in London.'

‘Not all of them want a young baby,' Lizzie said. ‘Beth's manager at work asked her to marry him but I don't think she will.'

‘More fool him. She doesn't deserve to be a decent man's wife after the way she behaved.'

‘No!' Mrs Court cried. ‘I won't let you say such things about your own daughter. Beth isn't wicked; she just made a mistake. Is that any reason she should be punished forever? She ought to be here with her family…'

‘I told you I won't have her here, bringing shame on me.'

‘She's my baby, my youngest, and I want to look after her.' Mrs Court looked at Lizzie. ‘If Lizzie hadn't come here and told us, I wouldn't have done anything but I can't leave her there with that poor woman at a time like this…'

‘She doesn't come into my house…'

‘Then I shall move out and find somewhere for us to live until the baby is born,' Mrs Court said defiantly.

Lizzie felt awful as she realised she'd caused a tremendous row. ‘I'm sorry,' she apologised as Beth's father stared furiously at his wife. ‘I shouldn't have come round, but I'm worried for Beth… I thought if you understood that both she and the baby might be in danger…'

‘So am I worried,' Mrs Court said. ‘I'm glad you did come, Lizzie. It's been on my mind, but I was too much of a coward to say. Now, I'm not going to keep quiet. Beth needs my help and I'm going to be with her.'

‘All right, you win,' her husband said, capitulating to the amazement of both of them. ‘You can bring Beth here until she's over the birth – but after that she can find somewhere to live. And I don't want to see her. She can stay in her room while I'm in the house; those are my terms.'

Mrs Court met his angry gaze. ‘Thank you, Derek,' she said. ‘It's all I ask of you – just until she's well enough to go back to work.'

He turned his dark gaze on Lizzie. ‘You are a good friend to my daughter, Mrs Oliver. Her mother will bring her here until after the birth, but don't ask me to be responsible for her bastard.'

With that he turned and slammed out of the kitchen.

‘I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause a row, but Beth is really miserable, even though she pretends not to be – and she's worried about having the baby and causing Madge a lot of worry. I don't think Madge thought things through before she offered – and it was my fault for letting her ask. If Beth is here I know she will be all right.'

‘My husband is right about one thing. You are a good friend to Beth – you said the things I wanted to say and dared not.'

‘Beth wouldn't want to cause trouble between you – but now she's really nervous and I think she needs your help. There's no one like a mother.'

Mrs Court smiled at her. ‘When it's your turn, I'll be glad to do whatever I can, Lizzie.'

‘I've already got people worrying about me,' Lizzie said. ‘At least now, I can stop worrying about Beth for a while…'

*

It was Lizzie's afternoon off and she spent most of it wandering around the marketplace, looking for things she could use to make baby clothes and nappies. Lizzie's resentment had gone now and sometimes now she looked forward to holding the child in her arms.

‘Lizzie, that basket looks heavy,' a voice said and she turned in surprise as Tilly came to stand beside her. ‘Let me carry it home for you. I wanted to have a chat. We never can at work, without Mr Oliver havin' a go at us.'

Lizzie handed over her burden with a sigh of relief. ‘I've got ages to go yet, but my back is aching like mad.'

‘Tell me about it. I had it for ages when I was carrying my daughter,' Tilly said as their bus arrived. They found a seat at the front, Tilly sitting by the window with Lizzie's basket on her knees. ‘Mind you, I'd go through it all again like a shot to have another child, but I don't seem to be able to get pregnant again.'

‘I didn't realise you were trying for another baby?'

‘We can't really afford it,' Tilly said with a shrug. ‘I suppose it's just as well I haven't fallen again – but I get broody when I see other women with babies.'

‘We couldn't do without you at the workshops.'

‘Oh, Oliver would soon replace me,' Tilly said. ‘I'm just another seamstress to him.'

‘Well, you're not to me,' Lizzie said. ‘If I ever have my own business I'd employ you as a stylist…'