Lizzie's Secret (37 page)

‘Yes, it must have, thank you…' Lizzie felt a spasm of grief for a young life ended. Her child would never know its father and she would never see Harry again. In that moment she was remembering that she'd loved him at the start and a fierce regret swept over her. What had gone so terribly wrong for them – and what was she going to tell his aunt and uncle? Her hand trembled and for just one instant she felt as if she might fall, and then she steadied herself.

‘Do you want me to stay for a while? Is there anyone you can call?'

‘I'll go and see my friend,' Lizzie said, deciding that she needed to talk to Beth before she could face Uncle Bertie.

‘Shall I fetch her for you?'

‘No, thank you, Robbie. Beth has two children of her own. I'll go round myself on the bus…'

‘I've got my car outside. At least let me take you where you want to go.'

‘All right,' Lizzie agreed. ‘It will save waiting for the bus. It's very kind of you, Robbie. I'll just get my coat.'

Lizzie pulled on her jacket and picked up her bag. As she was getting into Robbie's car she thought she saw a man lift his hand to her from the end of the street but it was too far to see properly and she was blowing her nose prior to powdering it, because she knew her tears would have left streaks.

Beth opened the door, looking at her in surprise. ‘What's wrong?' she said. ‘Was that Harry in the car? Where has he gone?'

‘It was his friend; he gave me a lift…' Lizzie swallowed hard. ‘May I come in, Beth?'

‘Of course, love – what's wrong?'

‘It's Harry… he – he's dead…'

‘Oh, Lizzie,' Beth said and drew her quickly inside, her arms going round her in a loving embrace. ‘And you were expecting him home – how did it happen?'

Beth tried to draw her into the kitchen, but Lizzie hung back. ‘Can we talk in private, Beth? There's something I need to discuss and – where's your father?'

‘He's working late,' Beth said. ‘I saw the car pull up from my window and came down to meet you. Mum's in the kitchen…'

‘I want to tell you, no one else…'

Mrs Court came out into the hall, looking at them in surprise. ‘Lizzie's had some bad news, Mum. We're going upstairs.' Beth turned and went up the stairs, Lizzie climbing laboriously after her.

‘You're nearly as bad as I was,' Beth said. ‘And I had twins…'

Lizzie would normally have laughed, but felt as if all the laughter had drained out of her body, leaving an empty husk. She entered Beth's room and sat on the edge of the bed, still numb with misery.

Beth sat next to her and held her hand. ‘Now tell me, love. What is so awful it's making you look like that?'

‘It is awful, Beth. Not just his death but the way he died – he got drunk, stole his Commanding Officer's car and drove it into a tree. They think he might have done it on purpose…'

‘No, I don't believe it,' Beth cried and looked stunned. ‘Why would he do such a thing? He wasn't unhappy; he had everything to live for. You and the baby and a good job to come back to after the war…'

‘You mustn't think less of him, but Harry was afraid,' Lizzie said. ‘All the dogfighting over the Channel, and the bombing of the airfields and the rest, well, that's only just started to hot up – but Harry and Robbie, well, they were flying secret missions over German territory for months before this. They were being shot at and they risked death over and over again… Harry was frightened but more frightened of being thought a coward than dying.'

‘Then why did he take his own life?' Beth asked, looking puzzled. ‘If he was afraid of death – it doesn't make sense…'

‘I don't know what happened, Beth He got drunk previously and when his CO told him to go home and sober up he threw a punch at him and said things – they put him in the lock-up overnight and were going to charge him, but his CO offered leave and a change of duty. Harry said he'd just been tired, and went on a mission, but when he came back he disappeared and then they found him – the car went up in flames.'

‘Oh Lizzie, no, that's awful. I can understand him being upset – but surely he wouldn't have taken his own life?'

‘I don't understand it either. Robbie said the mission Harry went on was hell, but he wasn't there to see whether something happened, or someone said something that made him ashamed…'

‘It doesn't make sense still,' Beth said. ‘Harry had everything…'

‘No,' Lizzie said, her throat catching. ‘Things weren't right between us – hadn't been since his last leave.'

Beth stared at her, and then inclined her head. ‘I suspected something was wrong – but I didn't think it was more than a lover's tiff…'

‘I married in a rush,' Lizzie said, knowing she was only telling Beth half the truth, because she just couldn't tell her about that night. ‘Perhaps it was my fault – because I disappointed him. Something went wrong between us…'

‘It's all right, you don't have to tell me,' Beth said and then Lizzie gasped.

She placed her hands to her belly. ‘He's restless tonight, Beth. I think he's in a rush to be born.'

‘You're sure it's a boy?' Beth gave her a faint smile.

‘Miriam is,' Lizzie said. ‘I just know I feel huge and I want it to be over.'

‘I was exactly the same towards the end, but it's funny how soon you forget once the baby is here.' Beth gave a little sob, ‘Oh, Lizzie, this is so awful for you. I wish I could help…'

‘Beth, I do love you,' Lizzie hugged her. ‘I'm so glad you're here with your mum and we've got each other. Sometimes, I feel so alone – I don't know what I'd do without you.'

‘What are you going to tell Harry's uncle?'

‘I'm not sure,' Lizzie said. ‘I don't want him to feel ashamed of Harry or think he was a coward but…'

‘Can't you just say there was an accident?'

‘Do you think I could get away with that?'

‘Why not? Any official letters will come to you. They don't have to know what actually happened.'

‘I suppose…' Lizzie drew a sharp breath. ‘Perhaps I can keep the worst of it from them somehow…'

‘I shall tell Mum that Harry died in an accident. There's no need for her or anyone else to know all the details. Why should they?'

Lizzie nodded, feeling relief flood through her. Beth was right. It would be so much easier to tell Harry's uncle and aunt that he'd died in an accident, and keep the rest to herself.

‘Yes, I think that's what I'll do. I'll just tell them he died in a car accident – say he was tired and overworked and had a fatal accident…'

‘It will be better if no one knows the truth,' Beth asserted. ‘People would gossip and point the finger and you don't want that, Lizzie. Harry wasn't a coward; he didn't run away or refuse his duty, that's what cowards do.'

Lizzie agreed. In her mind Harry wasn't a coward and she couldn't help wondering if a part of the reason he'd broken down was because he was worried about coming home and facing her….

‘I shall have to get home,' Lizzie said after she'd calmed down a little. ‘I'm sorry to dump my bad news on you, Beth, but I didn't know what else to do…'

‘I'll come with you. Mum will keep an eye on the twins. I can't let you go all that way on your own…'

Just as they were walking down the stairs together they heard the siren go off and looked at each other in dismay.

Mrs Court came out into the hall as they reached it. She was wiping her hands on a towel and looked at them enquiringly.

‘Lizzie came to tell me her husband died,' Beth said and her mother gave a little gasp of distress. ‘I was going to walk home with her, Mum. I can't let her go on her own…'

‘Neither of you is going anywhere but under the stairs until we hear the all-clear,' Mrs Court said. ‘After the last few nights, it just isn't safe to be on the streets once the siren goes…'

Lizzie was about to thank her when she felt the first pain strike her. She cried out and clutched at herself, swaying against the wall.

‘Oh – I'm so sorry, I think I'm starting the baby,' Lizzie said, feeling oddly calm. ‘I'd booked to go to the hospital. If someone could telephone for a taxi…'

‘You'd never get one with a raid starting,' Beth's mother said firmly. ‘No, you'll stay here with us, Lizzie, and if you have the baby we'll manage.'

‘I'm so sorry to be a nuisance. I've got three weeks or so to go yet…'

‘Well, I'm afraid your baby has other ideas,' Mrs Court said as Lizzie gasped and clutched at herself. ‘We'll have to get you upstairs, air raid or no air raid,' she said and turned to her husband, who had just come into the hall and was frowning at his daughter. ‘Don't just stand there and stare, love – get a doctor or Mrs Benson down at number forty-five. She has delivered a few in her time – ask her to come first and then go for the doctor.'

He looked at her for a moment and then turned and went into the kitchen, grabbing his coat. They heard the door slam after him. Lizzie clutched at Beth's arm as the pain came again.

‘Is it supposed to come so often?'

‘I think it's the shock of what you've been told,' Beth's mother said and put an arm about her. ‘Hang on to me, love, and we'll get you upstairs. Beth's grandmother had all her babies at home, and I had my first one at home, but after that Derek said hospital for the others – he couldn't stand the sound of me screaming I suppose.'

‘Dad was annoyed with me coming down.' Beth bit her lip. ‘I'm sorry, Mum. I know I'm supposed to stay in my room and I would if Lizzie hadn't told me…'

‘I'd had a few vague pains this afternoon,' Lizzie said. ‘I didn't think it was anything…'

‘Shock will do it sometimes. It was terrible news, Lizzie. I am so very sorry, my dear.'

‘I think I can hear planes…' Beth said as they reached the top of the stairs. ‘They sound close.'

‘They will be going for the docks again,' her mother said warningly, but the look of anxiety on her face gave her away.

‘They don't care where they drop them these days,' Beth said. They heard an explosion, but it seemed to come from a long way off.

‘Just hang on for a moment while I strip the bed, Lizzie,' Mrs Court said and pulled back the covers in what had been Lizzie's room when she stayed here, throwing them carelessly over a chair. She took some sheets from the ottoman and folded them so that the thickness would prevent blood going through and spoiling the good sheets already on the bed. There wasn't time to do more, because Lizzie was writhing in pain. ‘Come and lie down, love,' she beckoned and then pulled a top sheet over her when she obeyed. ‘We'll cover you up for a moment. Just lie whichever way you're comfortable. Mrs Benson worked as a midwife until she had her family. She'll know how close you are. You can scream all you like, love.'

Lizzie lay on her back and planted her feet on the bed with her knees up. She'd taken off her knickers, which were soaked through when her waters broke halfway up the stairs, as was her dress. She hitched it up a bit so that her legs were free, bracing as the pain ripped up through her and she gritted her teeth.

Why had she ever let a man near her? This was unbearable! She'd never expected it to feel half as bad, never thought she would feel as if she were being ripped apart, but then she'd expected to give birth in hospital and be given gas and air to make it easier.

Someone knocked at the street door and then opened it. A voice called from the hall downstairs. ‘It's Maggie Benson. Shall I come up, Mrs Court? I've sent Mr Court off to get the doctor. No sense in the men hanging around is there?'

Beth's mother left them and went to the top of the stairs, calling Mrs Benson to come on up. Lizzie tried to hold back the scream and pushed as she tried to rid her body of the source of the terrible pain. Just as Mrs Court and Mrs Benson entered the room, she heard a huge explosion, much nearer than the earlier ones and let the scream rip.

‘That's it, love, scream away,' Maggie said. ‘I'll take a quick look at you, Lizzie, and then I'll give my hands a wash in the sink. I brought some special disinfectant with me. I keep a bottle in just in case I'm called out.'

She lifted back the sheet that was still half covering Lizzie and looked at her. ‘Yes, you're coming along nicely. I think you're going to be lucky, young lady; you won't have to go through hours of labour. Your baby is in a hurry to get here.'

‘No one could stand this for hours,' Lizzie gritted her teeth as her body convulsed with agony.

‘You'd be surprised, especially in the old days when there wasn't half the medical help there is around today.' Maggie chuckled. ‘Why didn't you go to the hospital earlier? You must have had warning pains?'

‘Nothing much,' Lizzie said. ‘I was all right and then it just came on suddenly.'

‘Lizzie's been told her husband was killed…'

‘Oh, that's awful,' Maggie said. ‘I'm so sorry, Lizzie. It's getting so you dread the sight of a telegraph boy.'

‘Yes,' Beth's mother agreed. ‘Do you want to hold my hand, Lizzie?'

‘I'll tie a towel to the bed rail,' Maggie said. ‘I'll wash my hands and come back. Hang on, love…'

Lizzie grimaced as the cheerful Maggie went back downstairs to scrub her hands. ‘She seems to think it's fun…' she muttered. ‘Damn – bugger…'

‘Now then, language,' Mrs Court said, holding her hand and wincing as she squeezed hard. ‘I know it hurts, I've been through it four times, remember – but it will pass soon. As Maggie says, it looks as if you're going to be lucky…'