Living with Shadows (6 page)

She wanted me to go up to Suffolk with her but I could not look after her and her five kids. If I could who knows I might have. But I already had my own plans. I was thinking of going to see my dad who I had not seen since about seven. It was nearly fifteen years and anyway things weren’t going too well at my landladys. I wanted to punch her sons lights out. I wanted out of this mad house. If I stayed any longer I might have ended up like them. Thankfully I didn’t.

Kate paused a while. She hadn’t expected him to write so much or to be so enlightening about his sex life. There was an innocence about him that probably stemmed from his sheltered existence in Belfast. She felt for him. This account of his life so far portrayed a pretty gloomy picture. It seemed he’d led a very unsettled life with . . . what . . . around six moves in a few years!

She went into the kitchen to make herself a coffee while she mulled over the first part of his letter. There was no mention of how long he’d lived in Belfast but since he hadn’t got an Irish accent, she guessed it couldn’t have been since early childhood. No wonder he was keen to leave the place with so much hate and prejudice, yet moving to England hadn’t improved his luck. She wondered about his lack of emotion on leaving his family, the way he drifted in and out of people’s lives and his relationships with girls, most of them older and more experienced than him.

Kate took her drink and hurried back into the living room, wanting to know if things improved after meeting his father, though fifteen years was a long time and she imagined how awkward that first meeting must have been.

My dad lived in Sheffield. I thought Im going to see him and if it does not work out then I was going to move back to Watford. I had to stay at this mad house for another month or so until I saved up some money. In the mean time I still kept going over to Carol’s house. By then Sheila had gone back to Suffolk. I only went over when my landlady had one of her fits or I would go for a very long walk and think of things like what was my family up to or have they forgotten about me yet, or why was I still with this crazy family. The truth was I’ve never been by myself and I don’t think I would like to either, or I would think of other silly things like what would I be doing in ten years time from now, or would I find the girl of my dreams. I often thought why was I on this planet? After all what did I have to offer? Here I was, 21, unemployed, not very bright, going nowhere in life, no talent what so ever. To me living was not all it was cracked up to be. I was very disappointed with life. I sometimes wished for the grim reaper to come and take me away and see if the grass is really greener on the other side. I think I thought like this cause of my shitty past life and this mad family. Well the mother and son anyway. Well I left there and went to Sheffield to see this person who was partly to blame for bringing me into this world. Id not seen him since I was about 5 or 6. I only remember him when we got smacked. Some memory. But I thought well he is older and may be wiser. I thought to myself do I call this person dad or by his name. After all it was a stranger. So I thought why don’t I call him dad to wind the old bastard up. I only wanted to see if he had changed and see what he looked like. I was not nervous about meeting him. After all he was the main reason why my Mum left him. After he came back from the pub he thought he was a man by beating my Mum black and blue. She soon left him. That’s how we ended up in Belfast.

Well I got the coach to Sheffield, what a dump, and got a taxi to his house. I got out and his girlfriend was waiting at the door for me. I went in the house and saw this tall, a bit over weight bloke standing there. So this was my dad. I did not feel anything for him. We went out that night for a drink with his girlfriend. I don’t remember saying much that night. I was still feeling a bit tired from the journey up. After a week I found out what he was really like. He got pissed, had an argument with his girlfriend who he had been with for a few years. Anyway she walked out on him. She asked me if I was staying. I thought Im not going to look after that drunken shit head. When I went off with Eileen he started accusing her of taking his son. I thought what a load of bollocks. I had one birthday card off him in fifteen years and he thinks Im his son. No way. Anyway I got to meet the rest of Eileen’s family. They were all nice and they were women but unluckily for me they were all married. I ended up staying with one of Eileen’s sons. He was all right as long as he laid of the drink. His girlfriend was ok as well. I still went around to see my dad but I couldn’t live with him. He was too much of a piss head. I would go out with him for a drink but I made sure he paid for it. I thought I could make a go of it but things changed. As the weeks and months went by my dad would be drunk a lot of the time. His girlfriend Eileen would leave him after arguments with him. Once she left for 3 weeks. I thought that was that but like some stupid women do they come back for more punishment. I don’t know what makes women do this. I always thought they were smarter than that. Id never dream of hitting a woman no matter what. The only way I would hit a woman is by putting her over my knee. Very kinky. Well I left Sheffield after about four month’s. There were some good times and some bad but Im glad I found out what he was like. I thought all these things my Mum said about him were just to put me off seeing him. Well I was wrong. She was right. Its right what they say always listen to your mother they know Best well sometimes anyway. When I left Sheffield I never told anybody I was going except for this one family I got to know while I was there. They were very nice. The old woman was not that well but I told her why I was leaving. She knew what my dad was like and she understood why I wanted to leave without telling anybody. I thought it was a good idea at the time and I still do.

Well I got a coach down to Watford. I never told anyone I was coming. I think its better that way. Well I got to my aunties place but she was never there. She worked in a chip shop. She would never let me pay for anything. I always felt guilty about that. She got told off a few times for it but nothing worried her. She was my favourite aunty. She always looked after me. She had nothing to worry about with me because I never got into any trouble only because I never looked for it and it didn’t look for me. That’s the way I liked it. Well I had to find a place to stay. I couldn’t stay at aunties place so my cousin found a place for me. It was with this old woman and her son. They seemed nice at the time but I was so wrong. The old woman she blew hot and cold. One day she was nice the next a horrible bitch. Lucky for me I got a job working in a warehouse full of booze. The smell of the place would make you feel sick cause of all the spilt drinks but you got used to it or you have to if you want to earn some money. This was really my first real job. I remember my first pay packet, £10 quid. I went to the pub with one of my work mates for a drink. It felt good to have some real money in my pocket. It never bothered me before. What you aint got you can’t miss. For the first time I was happy. Not because of the money but I was doing something I really injoyed. I like working. Im not work shy. Cause of some of the places I lived in it was hard to find work. I did work in Sheffield only part time working in an ice cream factory. It was alright while it lasted.

This warehouse I worked in was a bit of an early start. I would leave at 5 in the morning and get back home about 3 or 4. Some days I felt knackered but you get over it after a while. There were some good blokes that I got to know, even the boss was ok. He would take us all out for a drink. It was great at Christmas time when the boss would book some club for us and all wives and friends. Me and my mate would always get pissed and show ourselves up. We would end up having a good fight. Every one who knew us pretended they never knew us. I even tried to chat up one of my bosses mothers. She must have been about 70—I was well out of it. It was even better trying to find our way back home. I ended up in someones front garden and woke up after about an hour wondering where the fuck I was. Then me and my mate would have to show our face’s at work and hear about all the embrising things we got up to. I thought this was all part of growing up and having fun. God knows I deserved a bit of fun in my life. Yeah, I had some good times at work. I never missed a day in 2 years except when I was very ill with asthma for a week. I thought I was dying. I was stuck in this hospital all week without any visitors. My landlady at the time and her son did not bother coming up. I was used to this kind of thing happening. It happened while I was in Birmingham as well. I was in hospital for the same thing for a couple of weeks so me being in hospital by myself was nothing new. At least I had all these sexy nurses looking after me. It was like heaven except when I was put on one of them drips and when I had to take all these different drugs and medicine. When I left hospital I thought I was dead meat. I walked across the road and I suddenly felt weird. I thought I was going to clapse in the middle of the road. I think the fresh air and these drugs and medicine had something to do with it. This weird feeling lasted a couple of seconds but it seemed longer. Lucky for me the car slowed down and I got to the other side. Anyway it took me about half an hour to walk home. When I got back home I was not asked anything. She my landlady went on how they haven’t eaten all day. I thought well not my problem. So she put the guilt trip on me saying she was going down to her sons house to borrow some money. I thought what a load of crap. Her son lived about five miles away and she had no money for a taxi so her guilt trip worked. I ended up walking around the shops to get some food. Then I remember when my money went into the bank late and I told my landlady I would have to wait till the next day. She did her nut and said I would have to find somewhere else to stay but she knew very well I had nowhere else to go. This was about 12 at night. Id just come back from work to this shit. I ended up walking down to the bank in the early hours of the morning to get my money. When I came back with the money her eyes lit up. She was all smiles. She was like Jekyll and Hyde. Then there was another time when I had money go missing. I asked her about it and she just said if you think I done it you better leave. I knew the bitch done it. She suddenly had plenty of cigs and sweets and she told me earlier she had no money and anyway I couldn’t leave cause of my JoB and anyway Ive never lived by myself. I don’t like being lonely. Some days I felt like killing her. She used to make me so mad I was like a time bomb ready to explode. I had a lot of anger built up inside me which was built up over a period of 10 or more year’s. I knew I would hurt someone if they pushed me too far but this was to happen and I would end up in Prison.

Something wet touched the back of her hand followed by a gentle nudge.

She put down Michael’s letter and stroked the dog’s grey muzzle. ‘You want to go for a walk?’ At the mention of a walk, her ears pricked up and her tail whisked the air. ‘OK, Jade, I think some fresh air will do us both good.’ Michael’s depressing story was getting to her, the despair and anger which still wasn’t far from the surface judging by the way he wrote about his landlady. Did everyone have a breaking point? She remembered a time when she was pushed close to it. Just one more step and in a matter of seconds her life might have been changed forever.