Living with Shadows (30 page)

When Jim came home, he had been willing to talk. It was the first time he’d ever mentioned his friend Matt to her, such an important episode in his life hidden away like lost desire. Kate thought of all the times he’d had to listen to her going on and on about Michael, the way he suffered in prison, his attempted suicide and more recently the awful discovery about Ben. No wonder he was angry; all those painful memories resurrected. He had been through it all before, seen the stupidity of it, the waste of a life. Who would want a ringside seat to see the same thing happen all over again?

They had briefly spoken about Ben and were agreed that he must attend some sort of rehabilitation programme. This was all new to Kate. Jim told her it was no use trying to understand it because when someone was a slave to drugs, their sense of decency went out of the window. The thought of her own son having a similar trait to the men she taught in prison left her cold because she was aware that he could easily end up like one of them. If she hadn’t given him money when he had asked for it, he might have done something desperate, could even be locked up by now.

She looked around the classroom at the men dressed in their obligatory blue striped shirts and her eyes fell on Michael. What if her perception of the likeness between him and Ben was an omen and Ben was destined for prison? She quickly cast the thought from her mind.

Jim had seemed relaxed when he came back home. A night away from home with time to reflect had done him good. Kate decided that the shock of discovering about Ben had made Jim confront the past and helped him appreciate how she must be feeling. Also, it had pleased her when he said he wanted to find Sharon. It would give him a better understanding of the strong ties that exist between parent and child—something she believed to be a watered-down version for a step parent.

There had been no interruptions from the class as she reflected on these things. Everyone was focused on his work and Kate’s eyes wandered back to Michael. She could not understand why his dreadful past had not been mentioned in court; surely it would have made a difference. From what he’d told her it was obvious he’d been under great duress right up to the time of the murder. Anyone would be naïve not to state that as part of his defence. She had written back to him with some questions about the court case, especially something he’d told her in class about changing his plea. When she got home and read his reply, she realised he had given her much more than she had bargained for as Michael had again disregarded previous warnings about what he could and couldn’t write. She wondered why he insisted on trying to get her to talk about her personal life. Did he think that by telling her intimate things about himself she would be encouraged to do likewise? Maybe he wasn’t so naïve as she thought. Maybe she was the naïve one. He was so different in class, always respectful and charming towards her, occasionally paying her a compliment, or sometimes comparing her with his mother, saying how vain they both were because they dyed their hair. That was about as bold as he got. Once he was alone with a pen in his hand there was no stopping him.

29
th
May

thanks for your interesting letter I really enjoyed reading it as I enjoy reading the other ones as well I keep going back over them every now and then you sound different in your letters than what you are in person you also write the way you talk which I enjoy very much it sounds like when Im reading your letters its your voice I hear when Im reading there is something I have to put you straight about because I did not explain clearly enough to you

Point one
. ‘you say you had to listen to all these things you did to him do you mean that some of it was made up by them or that there was more to it than your losing control when you argued with him’

Point two
. ‘and didn’t you tell anybody about the things that had happened to you prior to the event as I would have thought things wouldn’t have been so bad for you if you had’

Point three
. ‘you have said you gave two reasons the first on someones advice. What did they tell you to say’

what I meant by saying I had to listen to all these things I did to him was I felt bad enough about what Id done to him and they wanted me to go over and over the same story I know what I did to him its like your partener has just been caught having an affair with someone and you take him back but every time an argument comes up you go back to his affair what Im trying to say is when you do something bad you just want to try and forget it or put it in the back of your mind and hope it goes away none of what they were saying was made up I just explain myself wrong to you as usual Im just plain and simply stupid thats all very thick about me losing control there was no more to it I just lost my self control at the time and nobody is more sorry than me about what happened I’ve said this so many times if I was like I am today now and know what I know now none of this would have happened this is why Im nothing more than an animal a cold blooded evil murderer scum off the earth this is point one

and know point two

why did I not tell anybody what had happened to me prior to the event what tell them about me being on the street or what happened to me in the past well my past you have to understand courts are very scary places to be in if you have never been in one they scare the shit out of anyone they did me I have to be honest all this was new to me I did not understand half the things they were going on about at the time I just wanted it over with as soon as possible and anyway there was no way I was going to stand up in court in front of everyone and tell them my past I could not have controlled myself emotionly and anyway the Jury and Judge would have seen it as me trying to pull a fast one on them by trying to make them feel sorry for me no I got what I deserved for taking someones life no I don’t really I should have got life meaning life with the key throwen away I really mean this Kate this is point two

now for point three

you have said you have two versions—the first on someones advice I have to say I was a bit lost here you must of read some of the old stuff I gave you I hope Im write I will try and explain for you as best as I can when I was in jail waiting to go to court I got talking to some people inside well anyway I got to share a cell with this older guy he asked me what I was in for well I told him he started telling me to change my statement because I never knew any better at the time so he said to say when I next saw my baristers that I was to change my story I now look back on it and see how really stupid I was and still am I can’t really remember the bull shit version of my statement because that’s what it was but when I got to court I was made to look a compleat liar as you can imagine for changing my statement I should have listened to nobody but I did a 5 year old would have had more sence than to listen to someone else That bloke just droped me in the shit further than I already was so I hope I have told you what you need to know if not you can always ask again anyhow Im glad that thing about my T shirt brought a smile to your face I would have liked to have seen it if I can bring a smile to that beautiful face of yours then I am very happy indeed you say I have nothing to worry about because of the size I’am down below I have to tell you something it bothers me a great deal if you seen it you would not say to hell with it Id show you it and you would soon change your mind I don’t dare ware a shorter T-shirt in case I get called for a drug test or a cell search Ill tell you its 6 ½ I can’t believe Im telling you this considering your a woman but as I say I trust women well one certain one anyway I told you you wont find any man more honest than me or stupid enough to mention these kind of things but like I say I feel I can tell you anything you want to know anything at all you know something I thought about doing a questionair on you you know I have a one track mind well it would not be tatty or tastless I would ask you questions and you will be very surprised what I ask you probably things nobody has asked you before Id ask you about 30-40 questions and you simply can’t say yes or no or that would be to easy or just a kop out no you would have to give an answer to the question so what do you think yes or no your decission nobody else’s I think it would be fun you don’t know what sort of things I would ask you I think you would find it very interesting I really think you would so let me know if it is yes or no

if its yes I could easally find a good 50 or 60 questions your heart is probably pounding thinking if I say
yes
what am I letting myself in for or if I say
no
what would have been the questions knowing what sort of person I’am and being straight to the point with some of my questions about you already are you game for a laugh or are you taking the easy way out

by the time you told me about what not to write to you about Id already given you that written stuff I felt so foolish but I meant all that stuff I said when I wrote all them things in that letter I gave you Id forgotten most of the things I say in it like I can’t remember asking about your husband but thanks for telling me he sounds like a good man to me don’t forget to mention this to him I told you this before and you said you would tell him he is a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very veryvery very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky luckylucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky man indeed I bet you forget to tell him this little thing look straight up the page I don’t think so somehow do you my hand is hurting big time Im going to have to get the nurse to massarge them you don’t fancy doing them do you I think I’ve used up my one brain cell I cant think of much else to say so I except I don’t seem to get to spend any time with you any more in the class when it has finished I used to get five minutes or more but not no more which is a big shame

before turning this page over I have to say don’t look on the other side its totally up to you wheather you do or not I know you will be wondering what it is well its nothing don’t even bother turning this page over I mean it just take no notice its just a load of rubbish D N T over

Look at this before reading on
its entirely up to you wheather you want to read on

Well you reckon I write well this is me writing really badly I’m ashamed to give you this really but its just to show you I can write the biggest load off shit you ever saw you can’t and you won’t disagree with me on this one I wish I could blame somebody else for this of course I can me who else If there is something you arent sure about or want to know just mention it next time.

whats it like to be married to your husband for fourteen years knowing each others bad habits and knowing each other so well? don’t you both ever get bored of each other? I dont mean this in a rude way you both must have had bad arguments with each other? who makes the first move to say sorry? or are you both stuburn as each other? if he wants to go one place and you another who usually has to compromise? I suppose you ware the trousers in your house? as I know you are a very strong woman I mean you seem to me you always get your own way? have you ever fallen out with each other that you have nearly split up? who out of you both has the worse habit? do you ever regret getting married? do you ever get jelous when your husband goes out with other women? Does he get jelous of you when you are out with male friends? have you ever thought about having an affair while you have been married? what would you do if you found out your husband was having an affair with another woman? have you ever been imbaressed in front of your husband what was it? have you ever faked an orgasm with your husband? Do you enjoy sex? XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX
I know your mind is wondering whats been blacked out well you only have to ask me say for arguments sake you have sex 2 times a week? if you thought Viagra would boost this to say 4 times a day every day that’s 28 times all week would you take it? Do you sleep naked or ware something in bed? if your hubby said dont ware anything in bed would you? would you have liked more kids? if your sister was desperate for a kid and she could not have one and she asked you to get pregnent for her would you do this? is there anybody you have seen on T.V. or film star you would have liked to have gone out with? have you ever thought once or more in your 14 years of marriage about ever being unfaithful with your husband? anybody who has been married for 14 years or more or even less must have thought about this a few times if you could be anybody you wanted what would be your dream job? if you could have a one to one with anybody who would it be and why? if your husband asked you to dress up for him and he suggested a nurse’s uniform or one of these people who just dress in high heels black stockings suspenders nothing else no panties no bra just a whip handcuffs and a few chains would you agree to this considering it was in the private of your home? if playboy was to offer you 3 million to pose naked and not have to show your face would you? if you could have an affair with someone and get away with it would you be tempted at all? were in the world would you most like to live? with that great body you have how or what do you do to keep in such great shape? is there anybody in this world who you would most like to be if so who would it be and why?