Living with Shadows (26 page)

‘A couple of hours,’ he replied. ‘Can’t stand hospitals. I needed some fresh air.’

‘You must be soaked. Jump in,’ Sam called through the open window.

The rain hammered on the windscreen as they turned out of the hospital grounds and headed towards the flats where Ben lived. They travelled in silence but Kate was aware of the tension between them. She racked her brain for something to say, but nothing seemed appropriate. Thankfully, the journey did not take long and as soon as Sam pulled up in front of the flats, she threw open the door.

‘Stay there, Mum. I’ll only be a few minutes,’ Ben told her.

Sam turned to look at him. ‘I’ll give you a hand.’ Before she stepped out of the car she spoke to Kate. ‘I’ll leave the radio on for you.’

They both leapt out of the car and disappeared around the corner of the building. Kate sensed a conspiracy between them. It was obvious that neither Sam nor Ben wanted her to see inside the flat, leaving her in no doubt there was something to hide.

She shivered as the car began to cool down. She desperately wanted to find out what was happening inside the flat and tried to concentrate on the radio to stop herself from going up there. The morning was cold and grey and she noted again the depressing aspect of the block of flats in front of her, remembered the dour walls within and the stinking lift that stopped on an equally dour landing. People shouldn’t have to live in these places, she thought.

An old song pervaded her gloomy thoughts . . .
I
can
see
clearly
now
the
rain
has
gone.
I
can
see
all
obstacles
in
my
way
 . . . and she remembered first hearing it when she was pregnant with Ben. Even now, after all these years, she still experienced the nausea associated with morning sickness. The irony was, she couldn’t see clearly at all at that time, far from it. It was another period in her life when she thought things couldn’t get any worse. But now was not the time to dwell on the past. She needed to focus on the present.

She suddenly shuddered again. What was keeping them? Impulsively, she leaned over and took the keys out of the ignition. She would find out. Locking the car, she hurried around the side of the flats, ran through the door with the broken lock and headed for the lift. She pressed the button and waited, fiddling with the car keys as she watched the numbers slowly change above the door. Finally it arrived and she jumped inside, the stench assaulting her nostrils once again. The lift slowly clanked its way up to floor eleven. As soon as the door opened she sprinted out. Close by, a door slammed shut and as she walked around the corner, Ben and Sam were walking towards her, each carrying a couple of bin bags.

‘Sorry it took so long; I couldn’t find half the stuff I needed to bring with me,’ Ben said, shoving one of the bin bags into a chute in the wall.

Sam glowered at him. ‘Right, let’s get a move on. I can’t hang around here all day. I’ve got things to do at home.’

‘Have you emptied the fridge? Switched everything off? Kate asked him. ‘It’s going to be several weeks before you come back.’

‘Don’t worry, Mum, everything’s sorted.’

Again, Kate noticed a look of annoyance on Sam’s face as she glanced over at him before handing him one of the bags. She imagined Sam had been cleaning up for him. She wouldn’t leave the place in a state even if it wasn’t her mess. As children, Sam’s room was immaculate while Ben’s was the pits. Nothing had changed.

On the way home Kate made a pathetic attempt to break the silence. ‘Sam, would you and Alex like to come for tea?’

‘You’re OK thanks, Mum; I’ve already got something in.’

‘What about you, Ben; do you fancy anything special?’

‘Wouldn’t mind pizza,’ he replied.

‘Right, I’ll send for something later. There’s a takeaway in the village. You can sort your things out and have a rest before we eat.’

It seemed Sam was in no mood for chit-chat as she slipped a CD into the cassette and turned up the volume. It was some pop group completely alien to Kate but they were sufficiently loud enough to discourage conversation, and they continued their journey without another word between them.

She was relieved when Sam finally pulled up at home. ‘Are you coming in for a while? Kate asked, climbing out of the car. She thought it might make things easier if Sam was there. She and Jim had always got on.

‘No, I’ve got to get back. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, make sure everything’s OK.’

‘It had better be,’ she said looking at Ben. ‘Right, I’ll go and see what Jim’s up to. I left him tidying the spare room.’ As she walked up the path to the front door, she overheard Sam speaking to Ben and caught the words ‘You’d better tell them.’

She turned to see Ben wriggling out of the back seat. ‘Don’t worry, I will,’ he told her, quickly picking up the bin bags as if he couldn’t get away fast enough. Sam saw Kate watching them and turned around. Once she’d made sure that Ben was clear of the car, she gave her a wave and drove off down the road. Ben gave a weak smile and came striding up the path towards her.

‘What was all that about?’

‘What?’ he asked, feigning surprise.

‘What had you better tell us?’

‘Mum, can’t it wait. I’m really tired. I hardly slept a wink last night.’

‘None of us did . . . OK, but sometime today we need to talk, Ben.’ She quickly tempered the harshness in her tone before continuing, ‘It’s just that, we want to help you, but we can’t if you won’t tell us what’s wrong.’

‘I know and I’m really sorry . . .’

A look of sadness pierced his eyes and she was reminded of the prison hospital and Michael’s pained apology for what he’d done. ‘Come on, let’s get inside. You’re right, we’ll talk later.’

Jim stood up as we entered the living room. ‘All right, Ben? Come and sit down.’

‘Thanks,’ Ben said, looking slightly uncomfortable.

‘Jim, will you help me with these bags. You’ve sorted the room?’ She needed to talk to him alone before he jumped in with both feet.

‘Yes, it’s all ready.’ Jim picked up Ben’s bags.

‘It’s OK, I’ll take them . . .’

‘No, you stay there,’ Kate told him. ‘Once I’ve checked your room, you can go up and have a lie down before dinner.’ Jim and Kate went upstairs with Ben’s things. As soon as they were alone, as she’d predicted, Jim fired a question at her.

‘Well, what has he said?’

‘Nothing, yet. I told him we’d talk about it later.’ Jim shrugged and twisted his lips. ‘It’s no good looking at me like that, Jim. I’m not going to grill him as soon as he sets foot through the door. God knows what he might do.’

‘OK, OK. We’ll give him a couple of days to settle in. See how things go.’

Her sense of relief was immense if not a little surprising. She’d expected more resistance than that. What with Michael’s problems and now Ben, she needed Jim’s support more than ever. As long as they kept a united front, she felt sure they could help Ben through his problems. She took hold of Jim’s hands. ‘Thanks, Jim. You don’t know how much this means to me.’

‘Oh, I think I do.’ He smiled briefly and pulled away. ‘Better get back downstairs or he’ll think we’re colluding against him.’

Kate felt the weight falling from her shoulders and was happy to have her son home where she could take care of him.

Ben was eager to get up to his room and rest. He looked pale and gaunt and she thought of the day, not too far away, when he’d look healthy and strong again. She supposed it was easy to slip into bad habits, not eating properly or keeping on top of things when living alone. She would build him up and help him to get back on track. Hopefully, in a few weeks he would return home ready to face up to things with a more positive attitude. As she was thinking these things through, Jim surprised her by saying he was going out for a walk. ‘But it’s raining,’ she protested.

‘And? I won’t melt. I just feel like getting out for a while.’ She watched as he pulled on his jacket. He looked up and before she could utter a word he took hold of her shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. ‘Won’t be long.’ A few seconds later he was gone.

So he needed some space, Kate thought. It was understandable in the circumstances. It wasn’t an ideal situation but it would only be for a few weeks. She would just have to accept his need to escape from it all.

She went to her briefcase and took out her students’ work. She might as well use this opportunity to do some marking while Ben was resting and Jim had disappeared for a while. It would be hours before she need order a pizza.

Amongst the paperwork were a couple of exercises Michael had given her to look at. She thought about his last letter and the personal nature of it. By telling her everything about his sexual activities, past and present, she wondered if he was still trying to tempt her into telling him about her own—though he had made a point of saying he hoped he wasn’t being too personal. Maybe he truly didn’t understand the boundaries between them and now saw her more as a friend than tutor. Or perhaps the fantasy world was taking over completely. The regime could tell him when to get up, when to eat, what he could or could not do, but no one could stop him from fantasising about whatever he liked. She had to admit, it worried her. Maybe she should try harder to get a job outside prison. She had managed to pick up a few more hours in a college doing GCSE English re-sits with sixteen year olds, which in some respects was more demanding than the prison work. At least the prisoners were well behaved in class.

Meanwhile, Jim was hurrying along wet streets with the rain pouring down his collar and into his shoes while phoning for a taxi on his mobile.

Kate had been working at the prison for several months before she received notification to attend a security meeting. Eight new employees from various departments within the prison gathered in a conference room to be instructed on prison regulations. These included personal safety, what was or was not acceptable between employee and prisoner; for instance, no one was to bring anything in for a prisoner, even if they offered to pay for it. Kate realised she had already broken that rule when a prisoner asked her to get him some moisturiser for his dry skin. She didn’t even consider it might be against the rules until Michael told her it was a very serious offence for anyone discovered bringing anything at all into prison for any inmate, no matter how trivial the request. The reasons for this were now made clear by the prison officer giving the talk. Bribes and bartering was rife inside and the fewer illicit commodities prisoners had, the easier it was to control.

When the officer talked about the relationship between employee and prisoner, Kate sat up with renewed interest. He emphasised that there must always be a working ‘distance’ between employee and prisoner. Whilst recognising that someone could easily feel compassion for a prisoner for one reason or another, it must always be remembered that they were behind bars because they had committed a crime. You could be a ‘friend’ to a prisoner but couldn’t form a ‘friendship’ with him. Kate listened carefully to all this, not without some concern, and when asked if there were any questions, she quickly tried to formulate a question that would cover the situation she was in.
A
prisoner
is
writing
me
page
after
page
about
his
life
 . . .
I’m
replying
but
it’s
an
exercise
 . . .
he
doesn’t
want
anyone
to
know
 . . .
the
content
is
sometimes
 . . . The moment passed and the officer moved on to something else. Her heart pounded and she knew that had she managed to ask the question, she would have been told exactly what she must do. But it was too late.

By the time she left the security talk, she had convinced herself that she was simply being a ‘friend’ to Michael because she was still maintaining a working ‘distance’ from him.

She had visited Michael every Friday in hospital until he was well enough to come back to class. He still spent most of his time in the hospital and had been given a cleaning job which he seemed to enjoy. On those visits, they had been much more relaxed since there was no one else around to listen in on their conversations. In the small waiting room they were able to sit together and chat about how he was doing or what had happened during the week. Once he showed her some photographs of his family. It was the first time he’d really spoken about them and he seemed proud to be telling her their names and whether they were courting or married. This seemed to be a sign he was feeling happier because previously he’d never shown the slightest interest in his family, saying he wasn’t bothered if he never saw them again. He had told Kate they never visited him, but as far as she could tell, he never encouraged them to.