Living with Shadows (21 page)

I told you this as well if there is something on your mind you want to say to someone then say it you might not get the chance again we were not given minds and a tongue just to keep it all locked away I find that such a wast people should tell other people what they really think and whats on there minds I used to bottle things up in my head but now I just say what I feel Id like to think I was truthful and honest Ive said this before as well there’s no harm at all fancying someone I know the rules you can look but not touch well I think you should have a go at this you should just let your imagination run wild you will find it good believe me Id love to know whats on your mind about all this you can be as blunt as you like or as harsh as you want I see all this as another way to get to know you a little better I mean you know a lot about me because of all the written stuff I wrote for you and a lot of common knowledge on your behalf don’t forget this is all harmless I just want to know you a lot better well its time I told you why Im always feeling down after all this is what you really wanted to here well I read your letter yet again I did so much want to tell you what I was going through but there was never the time in the class I hate having to burden someone with my problems especially you I mean you have got your own problems without having to give you more it would not be fair on you I keep saying this but I did not want to upset you like I did what must your family think of me now seeing you come home upset I have to admit something when you come down Friday morning I was close to tears and breaking down I don’t know how I stopped myself Ive never been this close to doing something like this for a long long long time I think the last time I felt like this was when I lived in Belfast when I used to get picked on a lot I just wanted to get on with people but people made my life a living hell I used to stay indoors a lot to scared to go out I was still only young about 10 yrs old or 11 yrs old I wondered why they picked on me all the time I even had this at school this is why I never went out most of the time even people who claim to be my friends would stand and watch me get a good kicking by people I never saw before I never ran away because I knew I would get caught sooner or later so I let them do what they wanted to do I never told my mum because what could she do she could not be there all the time I used to hate her for moving to this horrible place what these people done to me I did to my brother and sisters when they made me mad I took all my anger out on these years later I still think of all this and how bad I felt for hitting my own family I was really horrible to them I had ten yrs on and of of these people I really could not wait to get away from this place it was the ultimate nightmare for me this is probably why I don’t like being around men I had no one to turn to at the time or any time I just wanted to die I had enough of it I would go to sleep at night and pray it would all stop but it never did I had to suffer in silence the only people who knew this was going on was my tormentors I used to think god what is it that I’ve done so wrong there were times when I wished I died at birth it would have been so much easyer these people forced me to leave my family I did not want to leave them I had no other choice but to leave I could not take any more I used to watch out my bedroom window see everybody else enjoying themselfs while I was a prisoner in my own home I can honestly say these people ruined any life I possibly had at the time nothing ever happened to my sisters or brother which I’am glad some people might think all this might had made me a stronger person within myself but it did the oppisite I went very quite and would not talk to people some people thought I was just shy but that was not the case when I got a bit brave I would go out of my house I would meet girls who wanted to go out with me I would make some lame excuse not to go out with them my heart would pound like mad if I saw anybody like my tormentors I would not dare venture to far from my only safe haven my house after a couple of years I got a lucky break I asked my cousins in England if I could come over with them to live when they said yes I was made up I thought there is a god after all at the end of the day all I was doing was running away like a scared rabbit Im not ashamed to admit this because it was true after all but I did not care I was finally leaving my own personal hell when I got on the boat to England I had the biggest smile on my face I ever had I was so happy it was the first time I felt like this but I was sad because I was leaving my family I wish they could understand why I was doing this I really do at the end of the day I was only thinking of myself Im a selfish bastard arnt I Kate now who do you think is selfish now because it’s not you anyway it was not long before I settled down going to pubs for the first time Id just reached 20 yrs old which I thought was a miracle I found everybody over here so nice which was a bit strange to me I found girls coming up to me and talking to me I looked around the pub and thought there are more interesting people than me around and much more better looking than I ever could be Id turn down girl after girl because they could do so much better there is another reason for this god really wanted me to suffer in this life I was not that big down below you know what I mean people say its not the size but how you use it well I’ve yet to come across a woman who thinks this its okay when its erect but you being a woman of the world it does not last for long I have wanted to commite suicide because of this it really gets me down this is one of the reasons I don’t want to live once I get out of this place I would not have much of a life without no women in my life my life is so sad I only ever did it once outside I thought this girl was okay but the next morning she told everybody about me I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me I wanted to die I was so embaressed I thought never again will I go with a girl again I can’t believe I just told you this my two darkest secrets Ive never told anybody about this don’t get me wrong I wouldnt let this little thing get in the way but people can be so cruel I only ever wanted to enjoy the pleasures of a womans body some men or a lot of men think there is just one position they never take the time to please a woman before you know it its all over in a flash that’s know way to treat a woman sex with a woman is a wonderful thing a womans body should be explored there are so many sencative places’s if I had the chance I would take a good few hours just touching every part of the womans body a womans body is the most beautiful site in the whole world Id touch it tenderly Id explore every inch of it I would not rush I could make any woman orgasm that would be just the the fingers and tongue Id have loved to show a woman all the sexual pleasures I could have showen them I know there would be no complaints but this will never happen in my short life I will just stick to dreaming well I better start telling you about why Im so intent why I dont want to live there is so much more stuff I want to say to you but maybe next time anyway well for a start I feel I have nothing more to offer and this world has nothing to offer me I hate having to live from day to day some of it has something to do with what happened when I was young which you already know about and what I told you on the other side of the page my two darkest secrets you might think its silly but I don’t it really depresses me bad I know what you will say if someone loves you then they won’t care what you look like well I wished it was that easy I did go out with some girls but I would only kiss them I would not touch them in case they wanted to touch me it nearly happened a few times I just made some excuse and that was that Id leave them its been 12 yrs since I last went out with a girl there’s no way I would go out with another one I’ve no confidence at all I would never go the other way go gay no way on this earth men were meant to be with women its alright to women doing it Im quite happy to masturbate 5 or 6 times a day theres nothing dirty about doing this it’s a naturale thing to do amongst men and women I don’t want to embaress you but Im sure you have done it sometime in your life I only do it because I’am sexually frustrated because of the reason I’ve told you about well know I find myself in prison for killing a human being Im even more depressed about life I keep wishing this never happened I really do I hate myself so badly I do wish the death penalty had been around for murdering bastards like me at the end of the day that’s what I’am I have to admit when I told you what I done I thought well she won’t want to know me I was very very surprised you did want to know me I was shocked I know lots of people outside would not give me the time of day if I got out tomorrow and I knew you outside and you started introducing me to all your friends and I told them what I was in prison for well I don’t think they would be like you I already know Im gonna get shund when I ask for a job if I got out I won’t be able to go out with any women because of what I’ve done and the other reason I’ve already mentioned I could not live like this outside I would find it really horrible I don’t think it would be long before I started cracking up and thinking how I think now I often ask god what Ive done to deserve all this I’m not wallowing in self pity or feeling sorry for myself Im not that kind of person I just can’t live with this murder on my conscience every day I think about it when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning I can’t watch T.V. without being reminded of it its driving me insane I stop eating food because I feel so guilty because he cant and I can I start going to sleep and I hear him crying out and start going over what I did to this poor person then I suddenly have to wake up and I won’t go back to sleep Id rather just stay awake but Im still thinking about it all the time Id do anything to change what happened I really would I don’t really know how much longer I can take all this I wished I could make that promise to you that I won’t harm myself again I really do I don’t want to make a promise to you then break it I would do anything for you you know that I would promise you anything else I would move heaven and earth for you if I could I would marry you tomorrow if I could thats a promise but I don’t want you thinking you have failed me because you have not you have made me the happiest man on earth I may not show it on the outside but I’am you know something I’am so glad I had the chance to meet you you have been nothing but an angel to me I told you this before you are so kind. So warm. And pleasant so sincere. Thoughtful; caring. Wonderful company. Your also a saint your husband should be so proud of you because I know I’am if fate would have been so much kinder to me I would have loved to have knowen you outside well I hope you can understand some of this there is stuff in here even my own mother knows nothing about Ive been totally honest with you I was reading your letter yet again and you said there is so much things banging in your head I love to here what you have to say you could try something like this if you could find the time Id like to have your opinions on this it can take you as long as you like I did this in four days not watching no telly all this was banging around my head I do feel a bit better having told someone about all this I thank you from the bottom of my heart sorry about the writing

P.S. I don’t know if you told your family why you were upset Id like to say sorry to your family for upsetting you I feel so terrible about it Im the selfish one I really am I bet you wished you never met me I would not blame you if you did you have suffered a lot more pain than I ever will you lost someone who meant so much to you and your loved ones your brother I could not imagine how you must have felt you must have suffered a lot of pain having to see your brother and feeling so helpless that there was not much you could do for him but comfort him as best you can I felt so sad for you and your family when you told me he had passed away I felt so helpless because I did not know what to say to you I wish there was something I could have said or done just to make you feel a little bit better there was something I was going to say at the time but I just put it of I was going to say if it made it any easyer for you to go to the resting place of your brother and go and talk to him as people talk to god you could go and talk to him as if he was still here it would not matter if people saw you do this they would probably understand what was going on I do believe in god in my own way I have been to church but its not for me the singing and wine you know something I often wished it was me who died instead of your brother he never did no wrong to anybody wereas I have to think life is very cruel I don’t know why god takes the good people and not murdering scum like me I can never understand why this is it is all wrong if I was god I know who I would have taken Id want this earth to have just good people on it like yourself Im so sorry for bringing this up I wanted to let you know how I felt about this I wish I could talk the way I write I really do.

The letter left her feeling sick for a number of reasons; not least, because of her own interference in his life. It had been her idea for Michael to write about some of this stuff, but reading this . . . it seemed as though he’d suppressed everything that had happened to him, until now. And now that his story was told, with all the horrors of his past, the bullying, having to leave his family, the terrible thing he’d done to that poor man, it was easy to understand why he no longer wanted to live.