Living With Regret (9 page)

“I don’t know, but you already knew that ...It’s why I’m here. I can picture what my life looks like, but anytime I force myself to come up with details, I can’t and that pisses me off because I want to. I should be able to remember them.”

“Good.”

“Good?” I repeat. Surely this man earns enough money to come up with a better answer than just good.

“Chase, you’re missing a part of your life and if you weren’t a little upset over that, then I would be very concerned. A person’s subconscious can work in strange ways to protect them from something they truly don’t want an answer to, but you’re claiming the opposite.”

A panic takes over because he’s wrong. “Wait. Only a fool wouldn’t remember marrying his wife. Especially a wife he loves. I don’t want to be a fool, but I know something’s not right, even if I’m not sure I want to know what’s wrong.” Answers might make my fear a reality and that’s Jordan disappearing from my life.

The doctor takes a deep breath. I think my last statement left him a little disappointed. “I think it’s time to allow Jordan to come in, if you’re still comfortable with that.”

“Yes, I want Jordan with me,” I quickly say. Moments later, Jordan is sitting on the other end of the couch, looking awkward and uncomfortable.

“Thank you for joining us, Jordan.”

“You’re welcome.”

A strange silence takes over and it seems like everyone is waiting for someone else to speak up.

“Jordan, Chase claims he wants to know what’s going on in his life. He wants to discover the pieces he’s missing but he’s also worried that he might not like the answers he’ll uncover.” The doctor pauses. “Chase, there’s a reason your subconscious is keeping you from moving forward, and I feel confident that it has nothing to do with the last game you played. I believe your memory problems stem from the choices you’ve made and the people you’ve kept in your life. Once you learn everything, you might be upset, or you might be relieved. Whatever you’re feeling, I’ll be here to walk you through every step you need to take to be healthy and successful once again. Right now, I want you two to go home and live your everyday life, and as questions or concerns come up, you can call me. I’m going to leave you both with my personal cell and I don’t want you to be afraid to use it.”

I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me I could go home and now that I can, I find the idea of it scary. I’m not sure what waits for me outside of this hospital, but I’m about to find out.

Dr. Wallace agreed to release Chase as long as he agreed to continue treatment with Dr. Stein. Chase went from nervous, to happy, to acting a little apprehensive, but ultimately I think he was willing to agree to anything if it meant he was allowed to go home.

While the nurses and Donna fussed over Chase, I returned to Dr. Stein’s office where I was given a quick rundown on how I should handle the situation with Chase. When it came down to it, his instructions were easy.

“Don’t lie to him and don’t give him information he hasn’t asked for. He’s not going to ask you anything he doesn’t want an answer to. As his mind starts to heal and the fog in his memory begins to lift, he’ll begin to ask you serious questions. Questions that will require you to give him detailed answers, answers that more than likely won’t match the life he’s created in his mind. That’s why it’s important you don’t lie. We don’t want him any more confused than he already is.”

Sounds simple, but the reality is I’m just as confused as Chase. I want to hate him. I want to be pissed that I’m here. I want to be mad that he’s involved me in his life, but I can’t seem to find the anger I once felt towards him.

“We’re here.” Chase gives my hand a tight squeeze before hopping out of the car his mother arranged for us to take to his house. As I step out of the car, my breath catches. Chase’s house is in the outskirts of town on a beautiful hillside that looks down over the city. The view is incredible, but his house looks more like a resort than a home.

I stopped picturing the kind of life I thought Chase lived years ago, but when we were kids, we talked about the house we’d have together and it was nothing like this.

Chase unlocks the door with a key his mother gave him and walks inside without a care in the world.

“God, I’m so fucking glad to be out of that hospital.”

I roll my eyes as I place my bag down by the door. Chase spent fourteen days in the hospital but he was awake for only half that time. You would think he was there for years by the way he’s been complaining.

“You know I’ve been thinking, since I’m not returning to the team, at least not anytime soon, then we should make the most of it. Go on a few of those vacations we’ve dreamed of.” Thankfully, my back is turned to him so he’s unable to see the pained look that crosses my face.

“Name a place you’ve always wanted to go.” We’re naked, I’m lying across his chest, and I’ve never been happier. The last thing I want to think about is traveling. Chase can’t wait to go places, to see new things, while I grew up moving every other year. Our view on this topic couldn’t be more opposite.

“I told you already, I don’t like traveling.”

Chase brushes his hand up and down my back. “No, baby, you don’t like moving. There’s a big difference. You want a stable life and that’s exactly what I’m going to give you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t see the world while we’re building a life together.”

I can feel the butterflies in my stomach flutter. Chase seems to always know what to say to make me feel better. “I guess you’re right, and when you put it that way, there’s a lot of places I still haven’t seen. Hawaii, Paris, maybe Vegas.” I smile into his chest, picturing myself traveling to new destinations with him.

“Then we’ll go there, plus hundreds of other places. As long as we’re together, baby ...that’s all that matters.”

“Jordan?” I’m snapped back to the present when I hear him say my name. I have no idea how to answer him. Since that conversation, I’ve traveled to all three places, but of course he doesn’t know that.

I clear my throat. “I think we should wait until your mind is back to normal before we make plans to travel.” Chase nods his head and wanders further into his living room.

Chase looks around with a confused expression before he stops and stares at his couch. His eyes widen in horror.

“Is something wrong?”

He’s already shaking his head no. “Everything is fine, it’s just . . .” He opens and closes his mouth several times with a look of panic on his face. His eyes scan the rest of the room, almost with a look of distaste.

He seemed happy when he first walked through the door but he’s anything but happy now. I wonder if someone else picked out this place for him? Maybe an old girlfriend or, hell, it could have been his dad. Money and prestige definitely matter to Steve Adams and that’s exactly what this house screams.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask softly.

Chase shakes his head like he’s trying to clear his mind of a bad memory. “I just ...this place ...it doesn’t seem right. Not with you here, and I want you ...to be here with me.”

Ah, so this is the real reason he wants to take a trip. It appears being in his house for only a few minutes has jarred his subconscious. He knows I don’t belong here, which means if I want him to remember his life—the one that doesn’t include me—then this is exactly where we need to be.

“Maybe we’ll take a trip in a few weeks after you’ve had time to rest.” The smile on my face disappears when I see the look he’s giving me.

“Please don’t treat me like I’m incompetent. I can handle that from a lot of people without giving a shit, but not from you. Never from you.” Crap. His voice sounds lost and sad, and never once did I think my comment would make him feel incompetent of anything.

“I’m sorry, I never meant—”

“I know you didn’t,” he interrupts. “I want to be the one who’s protecting you, not the other way around. I’m almost certain I’ve done a really shitty job of protecting you in the past, but let me now. Please. Give me the chance to show you I can do better.”

Oh ...my ...God ...The eighteen year old me would love to forgive him. I want to go back to the night in the park, only this time, Chase would ask me to marry him and all would be right in the world.

God, I don’t know what in the hell I was thinking agreeing to this fucked up brand of torture. This isn’t real, he isn’t really apologizing, and I need to do my best to remember that before I break down and actually forgive him for breaking my heart.

I hate this fucking house. I can’t even remember why I bought it in the first place ...why we bought it, but I know I don’t want to be here, and I’m almost certain I know why our relationship is strained.

When I looked at the couch, I had a vision, or God forbid a memory. Either way, I saw an unfamiliar female and she was taking her clothing off ...for me. The idea that I might have cheated on Jordan is more than I can stomach, but it does explain why she seems tense, almost guarded around me.

Oh God, what have I done?
How could I have cheated on the only woman I’ll ever love? That has to be why she was in New York, why she didn’t show up until the other day, and why I haven’t seen a lick of anything in the house that belongs to her. No matter what, she’s here now. She came back to me and that only proves how much she truly loves me. If God is going to gift me with a second chance, then I’d be a real fool not to take the time to remind her why we belong together.

“Oh, hey, there you are.” I glance up from the chair I’m sitting in that overlooks the hillside. I came out here to drink a beer while Jordan took a shower because I didn’t trust myself to be in the house while I knew she was naked and wet. Naked. Shit, all the blood runs from my head to my other head and now I’m trying my best to hide the rather large erection I’m sporting.

“Um, yeah, I came out here for some fresh air and to enjoy the view.” Jordan turns and looks out over the deck and her eyes go wide as she takes in the sight before her.

The view from the deck isn’t what I’m looking at anymore. Instead, I’m sitting here staring at Jordan in a tank top and some rather short shorts that have my cock painfully hard. I wonder how long it’s been since we’ve had sex because my body is reacting to Jordan the same way it did when I was a horny teenager.

Jordan turns towards me with a smile that’s more medicating than anything Dr. Wallace could prescribe, then gestures with her hand towards my dick as she asks, “Should you be doing that?”

Fuck no I shouldn’t allow my dick to grow painfully hard if it doesn’t have any chance of getting some relief, and I’m just about to comment something along those lines when she asks another question. “Did Dr. Wallace say it was okay to have a drink?” I look down and see that I’ve been using the beer in my hand as a way to cover up my erection.

“Oh.” I laugh under my breath. “He said I shouldn’t get drunk but a beer here and there is okay.” Jordan nods then takes the seat next to me and goes back to looking out at the hillside.

“I think this is my favorite part of this house,” she says as her eyes scan the hills. I definitely agree with her. The view from the deck is immaculate and I’ve never grown tired of sitting here. For some reason, I can’t remember being here with Jordan and she’s definitely acting like this is the first time she’s been out here. I sigh and shake off my thoughts.

Jordan is taking in the view but I’m devouring Jordan. I love how after all these years she’s kept her dark brown hair down to the middle of her back and how her blue eyes still sparkle just as much as the day I met her. It couldn’t have been that long ago that I saw her, but it feels like it’s been forever. I want to break this friction between us and explore every inch of her delicate body. I’m brought out of my illicit thoughts when I hear a song playing from inside the house. Jordan perks up and glances in my direction.

“Oh, sorry, that’s my cell phone. I thought I had it on vibrate.” She makes no attempt to get up to go see who is calling her.

A peaceful silence lays over us. I love sitting here with Jordan. I could easily forget the outside world exists and shamelessly lock Jordan away forever. I’m sure if I voiced my thoughts, Jordan, along with Dr. Stein, would be frightened, but sitting here, I feel raw and unguarded. Even with my memory in a haze, I know this is the most real I’ve felt in a long time.