Living With Lies Trilogy (Books 1, 2, and 3 of The Dancing Moon Ranch Series) (55 page)

And then the dam burst.

Jayne hadn't cried over the incident in years, but in an instant, years of bottled-up tears seem to be flowing down her cheeks, and her lungs felt trapped for air, and she couldn't get her breath, and the sobs started coming, wracking her entire body as the whole hideous scene began to unfold in her mind, as if watching a rerun of it in slow motion.

"Honey, it's okay, it's all over," she heard Sam saying, although his voice seemed far away, at least it did until she realized it only seemed far away because she was making so much noise with her sobbing and snorting and sniffling.

Sam reached for a box of tissues on the bedstand and offered a fistful to her, and she blew her nose, then took another from him and mopped her eyes, then blew her nose again and said, "After Becca was born I only saw her for a few minutes before they took her away..." The tears started again, and the heart-wrenching sobs, and she felt tears running down her face.

Sam continued to hand her tissues until her crying was finally spent and she settled back in his arms and sniffled softly, and said, "You have no idea what I put my family through before all that happened, which was why I didn't call them from prison when I was given a chance to make one call. I couldn't. My father would have spent all his money on an attorney for a daughter who had defied him to run off with a man who wasn't worth a plug nickel, and was everything my parents claimed he was, and I wouldn't listen to them because—"

"Honey," Sam interrupted her diatribe. "It's over now so catch your breath, breathe, and finish telling me what happened so we can finally put it behind you."

For the next half hour Jayne relived the darkest moments of her life. She poured out the entire episode—one mortifying detail after another—about how she met Vince while working at a guest lodge in eastern Oregon during the summer between her junior and senior years in high school. And how she'd been completely taken in by Vince, who worked in the kitchen—
'trying to make money for college
,' he'd told her, the first of many lies. And how her parents had forbid her to see him after he'd come to her house to visit at the end of summer. One of her father's credit cards had gone missing after Vince left, but her father didn't discover it until after Vince ran up over three-thousand dollars in electronic equipment, which he sold. Then in the middle of her senior year in high school, four months pregnant but not yet showing, she took money from her mother's purse, bought a bus ticket, and in the face of her father's threat that if she walked out the door, not to come back, left and went after Vince.

"Until I met him I'd been a good student and a role model for my little sister, but after everything was over, I knew my family was better off without me so I never went back, at least not that they knew about. From time to time I'd go by the house just to see them, but I didn't want them to see me until I could pay back the money Vince took." When she'd finally run out of things to say, she looked at Sam and waited for his response.

He cupped her chin with his hand, and said, "Can we make love now?"

"Why?" Jayne asked.

Sam kissed her, and replied, "Because I love you." He kissed her again, "and because it's what we both want, am I right?"

"Yes," Jayne said, "but what about Becca? Where do we go from here?"

"Back to the ranch," Sam replied. "She can stay in the bedroom down the hallway from yours, and she can go to school with Ricky."

"I suppose that will be okay until the end of school, since it's only a few weeks away now," Jayne said, "but after that, I'll need to find another job and get Becca settled in a place of our own because there's no way we could possibly blend our families now. As long as I live in the same community with Susan and Lauren I'll always be known as the woman who drove a getaway car in an armed robbery, and if I happen to become Ricky's step-mother someday, he'll be known as the stepson of a jailbird."

When Sam said nothing, Jayne knew there was nothing more for him to say, because she'd hit on the whole ugly truth. No matter how innocent she was of the crime of driving a getaway car, Rebecca Hamilton was, and always would be, a jailbird. And from the bleak look on Sam's face, that fact had finally settled in.

CHAPTER 9

Shortly after dawn, the following morning, Jayne awakened in Sam's arms, with her hand draped over his chest, and opened her eyes to find him staring at her. They'd made love the night before, but not with the abandon Jayne had imagined they would have, before Sam learned the truth about her. Nor had Sam said he loved her again, and Jayne understood why. Sam's first obligation was to Ricky, and a troubled boy with a mother who had a live-in boyfriend didn't need his life complicated further by having a jailbird for a step-mother.

As she looked at Sam, unspoken words hovered between them, and there was definitely a cloak of uncertainty surrounding them. "I'm sorry I disappointed you," she said. "This has changed my life as much as it has changed our relationship, but I still want to make love this morning. I hope you do too."

Sam rolled over and braced his arms on both sides of her, and said, "I do." He covered her mouth with his, and in an instance, he was kissing her everywhere, and touching her, and tasting her, and arousing her to impassioned heights before covering her body with his and making love with an urgency she hadn't expected, almost as if this was their final act of lovemaking. And maybe it was. Once they'd return to the ranch, she'd have Becca with her, and Becca and Ricky and all the other eyes on the ranch would be watching everything they did. Even Grace and Maureen, who'd been empathetic before, would act differently now. How could they not? The new guest ranch manager, who they'd waited years to have, was not only sleeping with the boss, but she was a jailbird with a ten-year-old daughter, who she'd had out of wedlock with a man who'd robbed a store at gunpoint. Not something easily brushed under the table.

Sam said nothing, just stared at the ceiling, unfocused, and the arm around her was immobile. In the aftermath of their lovemaking she wanted him to stroke her side, or plant little kisses on her forehead, or draw her closer to him and hold her and have her snuggle against him.

"Sam?" she said, when he made no move to do those things.

"Yeah?" He rolled his head to the side and looked at her.

She ran her palm over his chest. "Was that it for us? I felt like you were making love to me for the last time."

"I don't know," Sam said. "Things are complicated now. Maybe after some time has gone by, when everything's settled down, it will be different."

"Settled down how?" Jayne asked.

"After the newness of everything has worn off," Sam replied. "Jack knows about your daughter and that you'd been in prison when Lauren was there, but not the details, and my mother knows nothing. I don't want her hearing it from Jack or Susan or anyone else. And Susan has a big club to hold over my head now if I give her any crap about her live-in boyfriend and voice my concern about how it's affecting Ricky. Yeah, it's complicated."

For a long time they just lay together, Sam staring at the ceiling, Jayne with her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart. But after a while, when Sam made no attempt to pull her against him, Jayne said, "I'd better get back to my sister's place or they'll wonder what happened to me, and I want to see Becca."

She waited, hoping Sam might roll over and kiss her and assure her he still loved her. Instead, he said, "Yeah, I suppose."

Susan has a big club to hold over my head now...

Sam was right. Susan did have a big club, and it would be there as long as Sam was in a relationship with a woman who'd done prison time. Saying nothing more, Jayne went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the water pound against her body, hoping Sam would join her, but he didn't, and when she finally left the bathroom, Sam was already dressed.

"How long do you think it will take for you to get another manager to replace me?" she asked, as they were driving back to Lydia and Denny's place.

"We don't need another manager. You're doing a good job," Sam replied. "The place is filling up and there's no reason for you to leave. I'll square things away with my family, and I'll jump through Susan's hoops and call her stud, Ross, and we can make sure no one, including Ricky, sees us together, so there should be no complaints."

Jayne stared at Sam. "You can't be serious," she said. "This is not just about you jumping through Susan's hoops and us maintaining a respectable distance. Your mother and Grace and Jack will be looking at me like I'm exactly what I am. It would be too humiliating to stay there now. Meanwhile, you'd better drop me off here and come back later," she said, as they pulled into the parking area of the apartment complex. "I don't want my parents seeing us driving up to the apartment together, and think we shared a room at the motel. They have the final say if I can have Becca, and right now they aren't inclined to let me have her unless I can convince them I'm a responsible woman, with a good job, and that I'm not sleeping with the boss."

"It bugs the crap out of me when you make it sound like what we have is nothing more than a casual affair," Sam snapped. "It's not about having hot sex and you getting it on with the boss."

"It was pretty hot sex this morning while it lasted," Jayne said, "but then all good things have to come to an end, which they did."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam asked.

"That when you were done, you were done." It occurred to her, right after she said the words, that he could construe them as accusing him of being the way Susan implied when she made her comment about Sam being a eunuch.

Which he did, when he replied, "Yeah, you wouldn't want to get stuck with a guy who can't get it up a second time, would you?"

"That was absolutely not what I meant," Jayne said, "but when I sat up in bed you never touched me again, and you didn't come to the shower with me either. I wanted you to."

"It's not because I don't want you," Sam said, "it's just that things are pretty mixed up right now. Let's get your daughter and go back to the ranch and lay it out on the table for my family, and try to pick up where we left off."

Jayne realized that, along with the
I love yous
, he'd dropped the
honeys
and the
sweethearts
. Things had definitely cooled. "Where we left off before my parents arrived was you and me planning on meeting at the cabin while your mother helped Ricky with his homework," she reminded him. "We can hardly pick up from there. If I stay on at the ranch, I'll confine my activities to the lodge and taking groups on hikes, and you should confine yours to the winery. As for our kids, we'll need to remember that you're my boss and I'm your employee, and bosses don't kiss employees. Ever."

"Like I said, maybe after some time has gone by things will be different," Sam replied. "Besides, your daughter will need a period of adjustment. The last thing she'll want is a man cutting into her time with her mother."

Jayne shrugged. "That's a subtle way of breaking things gently."

When Sam didn't respond, Jayne got out of the car, and said, "Come back in a couple of hours. By then I'll know if my parents will let me take Becca, and you can visit with them long enough to convince them that the only reason you showed up here was to make sure the ranch still had a manager." She turned and walked toward her sister's apartment, and Sam drove off.

***

Sam stared at the road ahead, vaguely aware of Jayne in the passenger seat and of her daughter in the seat behind him. Their session in bed that morning had been troubling in a way he hadn't expected. The sex was good, but afterwards, the reality of their situation hit him hard.

I'll always be known as the woman who drove a getaway car in an armed robbery, and if I happen to become Ricky's step-mother someday, he'll be known as the stepson of a jailbird.

It also bugged the hell out of him to admit when Jack was right, but maybe it was time to listen. Jack managed to pull his life together, and all it took was the right woman.

When you least expect it your Grace will come along.

"How are you doing back there, honey?" Jayne asked, as she glanced over her shoulder at Becca, who had a clipboard on her lap and was drawing pictures.

"Fine," Becca said. "How long till we see Mama?"

"A couple of hours," Jayne replied. "We first have to find the place where she lives."

"Can we stay a little while?" Becca asked.

"We can stay as long as you want, honey," Jayne replied. "I know your mother will be happy to see you, and I'm anxious to meet her. She sounds like a very special woman."

"She's in a wheelchair with a  motor now since she can't work a regular wheelchair," Becca said.

Sam wondered about that complication too. Jayne and her daughter having to keep contact with a disabled woman who was failing. He knew only too well how it was to struggle with the needs of a person who lived daily in the shadow of death, and watch them slowing dying. He'd gone through that with Ricky before the cord blood transplant, and there had been times when the worry was almost unbearable. Oddly, Susan held up during those times, but after Ricky was on the mend, Susan focused on herself again, as she'd done before Ricky was born.

It's an obsession with beautiful women... they shut our minds to all logical reasoning...

He glanced at Jayne, and he couldn't deny he was blindsided by her looks. Every time he set eyes on her he reacted, not just the thing below his waist, but it was like his chest was in a vise, and his heart shifted into high gear, just as it was now.

She caught him looking, and said, "Thank you for coming to Seattle for us."

Her smile that followed heightened every reaction he'd already had from simply looking at her. "Well, the ranch needs its manager back," he replied.

Her smile withered and he knew why. Not,
I need my manager back
, but the ranch needs her. But right now he needed her, and not as guest ranch manager, and he also wanted her. Just by smiling at him, she'd shut his mind to all logical reasoning because the fact was, she and her daughter were a complication he and Ricky didn't need in their lives. But that was his logical mind working and it shut down every time she smiled at him, or touched him, or looked at him.

"I'll try to keep things running right," she said.

He didn't respond, but he heard the hurt in her tone, yet he couldn't give her the assurance that things would be fine between them, because he didn't have that assurance himself. His first obligation was to Ricky, and Jayne's first obligation was to her daughter, and any attempt to blend families now would be ludicrous.

Two hours later, they pulled up to a private home that housed four people with disabilities. The place was scrubbed clean and set up for wheel chairs, but when Sam saw the young woman being wheeled in by an attendant, then saw the expression on Jayne's daughter's face, it cut him to the core. Then the little girl's face changed almost immediately from a look of shocked disbelief, to a smile of pure love. "Hi Mama," Becca said, walking up to put her arms around a woman whose throat was struggling for breaths.

"How... are... you... honey?" the woman said, with great effort.

"I'm fine, and I'm going to be staying on a ranch where there'll be horses and barn cats and dogs and three house cats named Mei Ling, Tiki and Blue Boy. Jayne told me all about it."

The woman raised her eyes and looked at Jayne, and her lips twitched with a smile that Sam knew was genuine, but difficult.

Jayne pulled a chair up close to the woman, and said, "Thank you so much for taking care of Becca all these years. You've done a wonderful job with her. She's such a precious child."

Again that twitch of a smile. "Thank... you… for giving… her to me." The woman closed her eyes and rested her head against a pillow that curved around her neck, propping her head up.

Becca looked at Jayne, and said, in an erudite voice, "It makes Mama tired to talk, but she can listen to you. She likes to do that."

While the woman sat immobile, but with eyes that were sharp with awareness and interest, Jayne said, "Becca will love the ranch. It's located in the hills near a nice town, and Sam has a son, Ricky, who's nine, and Sam's brother has six kids, so Becca will have lots of playmates, and she'll go to school with Ricky. So you can rest easy knowing Becca will be well cared for, and she'll be very happy. And I'll bring her to visit you regularly."

The woman slowly shook her head. "No," she said. "Send... pictures... of... Becca."

Jayne covered the woman's hand with hers. "We'll send lots of pictures, and Becca will want you to see her school reports, and when she has a birthday we'll send pictures of that."

"Yes... that... will... be... enough..." The woman's voice faded off and she closed her eyes.

"Mama?" Becca called to her.

When she didn't respond, the attendant said, "She tires easily, so I think that's enough for today." But before the attendant wheeled her away, Becca went up to her mother and placed her hands on her shoulders and kissed her on the forehead, and said, "I love you, Mama."

The woman opened her eyes momentarily, and said, "I... love... you... too... Bec."

Sam blinked back the sting of tears. Man, this was almost too much for him. This little kid, seeing her mother fading away, Jayne watching the two of them, knowing she'd always come second to the woman who'd raised her daughter. But, somehow he felt Jayne was up to the job and that she'd eventually get her daughter's love.