Lily White Lies (14 page)

“Honestly... yes, a little.  I don’t think I love him anymore, I know I’m not happy, but sometimes I think I may be the cause of my own unhappiness.”

She reached over me to the end table and picked up a magazine.  Thumbing through it, she stopped when she got to the page she’d been looking for.

“Here, take this home with you.”  Ripping the page out, she handed it to me.  “After all the years I spent thinking about whether Kevin and I could make it work, I knew the answer as soon as we did this.”

I scanned the page and looked up at her incredulously. 

“You’ve got to be kidding?  One question... you based your whole future on the answer to one question?”

Cory joined the conversation.  “Some question.  What was it, ‘do you want to marry me or do you want your dick to fall off in the shower?’”

I laughed at the visual of Cory’s remark.

“Nothing that drastic.”  Looking back to me, Charlotte said, “I can’t give you my answer because it might taint yours... it’s supposed to be spontaneous, but I
guarantee
that if you both answer honestly, you’ll know exactly what to do when you’ve finished.”  She hesitated.  “And, if it turns out that you and Brian have something worth saving, I promise...” rolling her eyes and distorting her face, she continued, “...I promise, I’ll give the old stuffed-shirt a fair shake, and lay off him.”

I gave brief thought to what she said, and agreed to take the test with Brian as soon as he returned.

Unaware of his trip, she asked, “When will he be back?”

“Friday sometime.  Just in time for his party I suppose.”

“Oh, that’s right... the party.”

Cory broke in, “She’s agreed to go ahead with it.”

Charlotte’s satisfaction showed in the smirk she shared with Cory.  “You won’t be sorry, Meg.”

That scared me, but in a thrilling sort of way.

Her expression becoming somber, Cory asked, “Charlotte, what would your answer be now—you know, to ‘I want’?”

Charlotte sat back on the couch and gave the question a lot of thought before answering. 

“I think I want to stop thinking about what
if
and start thinking about what
is
.”  Satisfied with her answer, she nodded and turned her attention toward me.  “What about you Meg.  What would you want?”

I didn’t want to begin another serious discussion relating to my life, so I answered in a humorous half-truth, “I want to do something totally outrageous... something that will shame my family and be talked about for years to come.”  Unable to hold a straight face, I giggled and said, “Well, maybe not shame my family!”

“Is it too late to change my answer?”  Charlotte joked.  Looking at Cory, she said, “What about you?”

She shrugged, “I guess I still want my father to take me as serious as he would have if I’d been a boy.”

Her answer broke my heart.  Most people never saw past the infectious smile to the pain she carried.  She had come to accept the years of being treated like a china doll with no responsibilities as her lot in life but what she craved most was for her father to see her as more than ‘his little girl’ and give her the opportunity to work side by side with him at the family airport.

Cory wanted nothing more than her father’s respect and approval, I wanted a life of marital harmony and Charlotte wanted to be freer in spirit.  It all seemed simple and reasonable but maybe Charlotte was right.  The easier something seemed, the harder it was to attain.

~ ~ ~

After an enjoyable and relaxing day with the girls, I took them home, but instead of heading home myself, I turned off the exit for the northeast extension, toward Brickway.

I felt guilty that I hadn’t gone to see Aunt Karen yesterday.  I had used Gram’s not going as a poor excuse to break a weekly ritual.  Knowing it wasn’t a regular visiting day made me feel twice as bad.

In between fits of guilt, thoughts of Brian forced their way into my head faster than I could ward them off.  I couldn’t do much until he returned home but as determined as I was to put my thoughts aside until that time, they were determined to be straightened out, whether I wanted it or not.

Somehow, I surprisingly managed a temporary, mental leave from all things Brian, as I passed the unoccupied desk in the lobby of Cherry Hall. 

I wasn’t filled with the usual melancholy I had come to expect from a visit with my aunt, but that didn’t keep my stomach from tightening when I began my walk down the long hallway.

Today, when the loneliest of souls begged for my attention, I made eye contact and offered a smile, hoping its sincerity shown through its sympathy.  I even made a point of hiding all visible signs of disgust when I passed the lewd man in room one-nineteen.

As I slowly turned the doorknob and entered my aunt’s room, I found myself overcome with familiarity, experiencing the same confused feelings I had the previous week, the only difference being, this week I vowed to keep better control of my emotions and make a solid attempt to enjoy my time with her.

She didn’t hear me come in so I spoke softly to avoid startling her.

“Hi, Aunt Karen, are you up for company today?”

She turned her head slowly, her eyes locking on mine.  It was a conscious effort on my part, but I managed to put a smile on my face and all signs of discomfort out of view.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it yesterday, I got busy and...”  I stared into her emotionless eyes and suddenly felt embarrassed.  Among her many challenges, I was inadvertently asking her to accept the lie I had begun to tell her.  I took several moments to put my thoughts together.

“I’m sorry.  Whether you realize what I’m saying or not, you don’t deserve a lie.”  I walked to the window and stared out, as I continued to speak.  “I wasn’t busy yesterday.  Gram had plans and I used that as my excuse not to come.  The truth is...”  I hesitated.  “Well, Aunt Karen, the truth is, I don’t know how to act around you.  I don’t even know what to say or how much you understand.” 

I wrung my hands and looked up at the ceiling.  I owed her this much but I knew it wouldn’t be easy on me if I was going to be completely honest.

“Gram and I have been coming most every Saturday for years but I was just along for the ride...  I came to accompany Gram.  It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, its just that... well, Gram always did the talking and the fussing and I never had to think about what I would say to you other than hello and goodbye.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“Since Gram told me about you being my mother, I feel like I should be here, but I still don’t know how to act or what to say.  I wonder if you’re uncomfortable since I told you what I know, I wonder what goes through your mind, I wonder if you’re capable of communicating any of your feelings to m...”

“B-baby.”

My hand instinctively covered my mouth as if I had said the one, broken word my ears heard.

“You... Oh my God...  you spoke.”

“B-baby.”

Choking back something between a laugh and a sob, I repeated, “Oh my God, you can speak!”

Her eyes were still emotionless, but she began to repeat the one word she shared with me, faster and more clearly.

“Ba-by.  Ba-by.  Ba-by.”

I headed toward the door in search of a nurse but before I reached it, I turned back and took hold of one of my aunt’s hands.  I didn’t want to miss a minute of her breakthrough.

Tears of joy spilled over my lashes and onto our joined hands.  Unable to contain my delight, I began to ramble.

“I can’t believe this...  Gram won’t believe this... oh my God, Gram...  I have to tell her...”

Lost in my own thoughts of what action I should take next, I didn’t immediately notice that the word my aunt said had become something of a chant, accompanied by the sound of her hand slapping her leg in rhythm.

“Oh, please, don’t do that.  You’re going to hurt yourself.”  I tried to keep her hand from striking her leg again but was surprised by her strength.  Her hand continued in its vertical, swinging movement while I became more worried over the damage she may be doing to herself.

As she continued to repeat the single word, I let go of her hand and made my way into the hallway in search of help.

I spotted Norma coming out of a room at the other end of the hall.

“Norma!  Norma, please, I need your help.”  I had the attention of Norma—and everyone else who happened to be in the hall.

The sound of her clipboard hitting the tile floor drowned out every other sound in the building, including my aunt’s chanting.  As Norma ran toward me, everything played out in slow motion.

“Is Karen all right?  What’s wrong?”

Grabbing hold of Norma’s hand, I whisked her into my aunt’s room.

“I don’t know...  she started to...  I can’t get her to stop.  She keeps hitting herself...  and...  and I think I’ve upset her.”  My last words were almost inaudible.

She took hold of my shoulders and sat me on the bed in my aunt’s room.

“Okay, calm down.  She doesn’t appear to be in any immediate danger.  Let her get it out of her system.”

“Baby—baby—baby.” 

“Oh, she’s just a whooping it up, isn’t she?  She’s even more excited than she was earlier this week.”  Norma laid her hands on top of Aunt Karen’s and let them rise and fall with her rhythmic movements.

“What... you mean she’s been talking?”

“Sure has.  I think she started last Sunday... yeah, it was Sunday.”

I thought about what Norma said.  Could my visit last weekend have been the cause of her sudden desire or ability to speak?  Could I have gotten through to her without realizing it at the time?

“Is it always the same word?”

She nodded.

“Pretty much.  It’s been either baby or my baby.”

I whispered, “My baby,” as I watched my aunt’s excitement begin to die down.

I didn’t say anything to my aunt once Norma left the room.  It was as if I were seeing her for the first time.  I watched more closely, I understood more easily and I smiled more freely.  For the first time since learning the truth, I saw her as my mother—not because genealogy required me to, but because my heart told me to.

I sat by her side as she lay in bed, her eyes giving way to fatigue brought on by overexcitement.  Looking intently through her sleep-laced eyes, she mouthed the words ‘my baby’ before finally drifting off.

Eleven

...His eyes flickered with love at the mere mention of her name and I wondered what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of that kind of a love-laced gaze...

Monday and Tuesday went by slowly but Wednesday was the kind of day that seemed to last all week.  Brian called a couple of times each day but the more he called, the less he actually had to say, long pauses and uncomfortable silences filling the minutes between hello and goodbye.  It took all of my self-control and what wisdom I possessed to keep from telling him how I really felt.  I began to think that avoiding his calls would be easier than accepting them—at least emotionally.

Ron called yesterday to set up an appointment for next week.  I found it a little odd that a man of his standing in the bank would make his own phone calls, but I was even more surprised when he said his goodbye before telling me the reason for the meeting.  Now, as if I don’t have enough on my mind already, I have a whole week to wonder whether I’m getting the loan or an intimate rejection.

As for Gram, I haven’t had the chance to tell her what happened at Cherry Hall during my last visit, although I don’t think she’ll be too surprised.  Norma told me she had called her earlier in the week, when Aunt Karen first began to speak.  Gram knew long before I did that she was speaking, but didn’t tell me—and I wondered why.  If my mind weren’t so full of other thoughts, I’d make it a point to find out.

Although I have many thoughts, all of which seem more urgent than the next, the one that seems to be weighing me down is the one concerning Brian’s return.  He’s due back only hours before my ‘hunka-palooza’—as Cory has renamed it—and I can’t decide whether I want to stand tall and tell him what I’m feeling before I go to the party or whether I want to crawl like a coward and let my liquid courage tell him after the party.  Either way, I know it won’t be pretty.

I felt myself flinch when the unexpected words broke into my thoughts.

“If it’s okay with you, Nelda and I take off now...  I got tickets to Blue Bull’s game.  I surprise her.” 

I found myself oozing with jealousy anytime Marco spoke of Nelda.  His eyes flickered with love at the mere mention of her name and I wondered what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of that kind of love-laced gaze.

“You two go... have a good time.”

With a nod and a wave, he turned to leave.

“Marco.”

He spun on one foot and directed his attention toward me.