Lily White Lies (13 page)

Cory said, “Until you knew for sure?  Sam hell, Char!  With ten years and a kid between you, what weren’t you sure about?”

Charlotte feigned anger, and replied, “It takes time to know these things, and I don’t see you in a hurry to settle down.”

Examining her nails, Cory never looked up when she said, “Me?  Well, that’s because I’m more the type to wait and see what’s behind door number two... and three... and...”

Their laughter came to an abrupt end when they realized I wasn’t laughing with them.  Talk of marriage and knowing for sure raised thoughts of Brian and my unfinished task to mind, and tears to my eyes.

Always first to comfort the miserable, Charlotte asked, “Meg, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing... I’m just... I’m just so happy for you...”

Cory broke in, “She’s put Brian on clearance.”

Charlotte beamed, “And I’m so happy for you!”

She leaned in to give me a hug and we cried on each other’s shoulders, in happiness—and in sadness.

Once my sobs were under control, Charlotte released me from our embrace.

“That’s another reason Kevin and I didn’t say anything.  We didn’t want to take the spotlight off your wedding day...”  Pulling her housecoat around her waist as she stood and made her way to the entertainment center, she added, “...We were going to wait until after you got back from your honeymoon.”

I wiped underneath each eye and said, “That was sweet of you, especially knowing how much you’d like to stick it to Brian.”  My weak attempt at a laugh came out as a snort.

She stopped searching through the video cabinet and turned to face me. 

“Meg, I’m sorry for all the grief I’ve given you over Brian.  I’m certainly no expert in the ways of love—the last ten years will attest to that—but I always knew he wasn’t right for you.”  As an afterthought, she added, “I guess I could have said it better though.”

Cory gave my leg a pat, and joked, “At three years, you’re a little slow, Meg...”  Lowering her voice to a whisper, she pointed to Charlotte and wiggled the fingers on both hands, saying, “But at ten years, she’s living in reverse.”

As always, Cory’s humor aided in drying my tears.

Removing a video from the cabinet she had been searching through, Charlotte mocked, “Boy, aren’t you the funny one.  It’s easy to be smart when it’s not your test.”

Cory asked defensively, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that viewing men as party favors doesn’t make you an expert in the ways of meaningful relationships.”

I could hear the hurt in Cory’s voice, as she asked, “Are you insulting me or looking down on me because I don’t believe the world revolves around marital bliss?”

Raising my voice above theirs, I said, “Hey.  That’s enough...”  The air was quickly growing heavy with tension and somehow, I felt responsible.

Charlotte waved a hand.  “It’s okay Meg.”  Turning her attention to Cory, she said, “I’m not insulting you.  All I’m saying is that it’s easy to give advice when it’s someone else’s life you’re advising.”  Offering me a sympathetic smile, she continued, “Look at me.  I’ve been over thinking and screwing up the last ten years of my life, but that didn’t stop me from voicing my opinion in Meg’s life.”

“Constantly!”  I smiled in an attempt to end the serious conversation.

“I may have come down a little hard.”  She turned a sincere smile toward Cory.  “I would never hurt you intentionally; you know that, don’t you?”

Squeezing Charlotte’s hand, she nodded and said, “Of course I know that.  I’m sorry, too.”

My intentions were for us to enjoy the day together, and that’s what we were going to do.

“Who’s up for a ride?”  I asked.

Charlotte’s expression became serious, as she said, “Maybe later.  Right now, I have something I want you both to see.”

Cory and I exchanged confused glances as Charlotte slid a movie into the VCR, saying, “And... the year was nineteen-ninety three!”

Ten

...the world was spinning only for us, newfound friendships were more important than air and we were certain that our plans for life were cemented in a future without change...

While the snow before the movie fluttered across the television screen, I thought back to nineteen-ninety three.  It was a time when—as college freshman—the world was spinning only for us, newfound friendships were more important than air and we were certain that our plans for life were cemented in a future without change.  Independence was ours for the taking and life had never seemed more worth living.  Looking back now, I wonder if we were that naïve, or if our own arrogance and ignorance colored the world around us.

As the movie began, Cory blurted, “Tammy Holbrook.”  Leaning forward, she pointed to the television.  “Damn!  I haven’t thought of her in ages.”

My mind slipped rapidly, back to the making of this video.  Although I hadn’t seen the movie in the ten years since, I remembered it vividly. 

It was the night of our first college dorm party.  It was the first time in her life Charlotte acted on impulse, sneaking out a second story window for her first date with Kevin.  Moreover, it was the beginning of a life-long bond—almost a sisterhood—between Charlotte, Cory and me.

The movie began with an unflattering shot of Tammy’s backside and then went straight to the introduction of girls in attendance that night. 

First was Holly Strom, not quite as pretty as
she
thought she was, but that never stopped her from flaunting. 

Then there was Heather Greene who, although pretty, lacked the intellect and common sense to score high enough on her entrance exams, leaving us to wonder how she was accepted. 

Next was Dawn Wetfield, who was of average intelligence and beauty, and quite happy with being average. 

The only thing each of them had in common was their willingness to wade through gossip, lies and fake friendships to reach the top of the popularity pole.

There were a few others.  I couldn’t remember their names although I did recall they were the uppity ones the rest of us referred to as ‘Rodeo drive-byes’—rich girls who would drive by friendships, never making them.  They weren’t team players and felt deceived by the Kirkland brochures because they had to coexist with girls who weren’t one of ‘their own’.  They were the girls who spent the entire evening bored and looking down their noses at the rest of us.  Even if they
had
received an invitation to another dorm party, they wouldn’t have accepted anyway.

Before our first formal meeting, I thought Cory was a Rodeo drive-bye.  She had a prominence about her, a certain air of coming from money and enjoying advantages most of us had never known, growing up with only the best and expecting nothing less from Kirkland College.  However, from the first time we spoke I knew she was different.  I knew that within the voluptuous body I secretly envied, behind the credit cards, underneath the silky, blonde hair and past her sparkling, blue eyes, she was a person who saw the world in shades of humor, possessing the sincerity and compassion not found among the other girls sharing her privileged upbringing and financial advantages.

As one girl after another appeared on the screen, Cory chided, “Did I tell you...?  I ran into Holly a few months back, and I must report, if she isn’t a double digit dress size now—I’ll never look at another man!”

I mused, “She always had those pudgy cheeks, so it doesn’t surprise me.”

Cory warned with a mocking snicker, “Be careful what you say.  Some of those girls will be at your party.”

Charlotte was in full-gossip-mode now.  Her voice rose slightly, as she said, “Speaking of never looking at men, how about Candy Hostetler?  Left that stud-muffin she was married to and ran off to San Francisco with her aerobics instructor!”  Placing her hands on her hips, she added, “Her
female
aerobics instructor.”

“No way!”  Cory covered her mouth in disbelief.

Nodding with authority, Charlotte replied, “I kid you not.  Quit her job at the bank, got herself one of those GI Jane haircuts, left him a note that read, ‘Get in touch with your feminine side’ and just like that—the girl was gone.”

“Uh, and he was so fine... like... what was she thinking?”

Before Charlotte could answer Cory’s question, something on the television grabbed our attention. 

I remembered it well.  Each girl took their turn playing ‘I want’, telling the others what their hearts desired.  We watched quietly as girl after girl mumbled something silly at the camera, some appearing quite embarrassed, others appearing pretentious but most seemed to be having fun.  A petite girl by the name of Fran stood with her hands outstretched in front of her and said, “I want boobs out to here.”

Slapping her leg, Cory offered a hearty laugh.  “She got them, too... along with a can out to there,” motioning to her backside.

We each giggled and returned our attention to the movie.

Next was Dawn.  Her answer sounded contrived and rehearsed.  “I want to find Mr. Right... buy a three-bedroom house in the suburbs... have two kids... one boy and one girl...  a swimming pool, a minivan... and maybe a dog.”

I almost expected the commentary Cory offered.  “I’ll bet she drives that minivan now and I’ll bet there’s a ‘my kid’s an honor roll student’ sticker on the back bumper.”

Charlotte said, “I always like the ones that said, ‘My kid beat the crap out of your honor roll student.”

We laughed and watched as the camera moved to the next girl.  It was Cory, wearing a pair of pink baby doll pajamas and the smile that would later become her trademark. 

“Let’s see...  I want Donnas red pumps...  Meg’s hair...  Candy’s boyfriend...”  Although Cory was the only girl in view, we could hear the laughter in the room with her, as she continued, “...really...”  She paused.  “I want my father to take me seriously... like he would have if I I’d been born a son.”

Cory’s words brought the laughter around her to an abrupt end.  No one knew how to ease out of what had become an awkward moment, until Cory ended it herself. 

“Lighten up girls!  You know what they say; wish in one hand and shit in the other.”  Slapping the bed with both hands, she added, “I know I’m not going to get what I want...” she paused, “...but neither are any of you!”  With her words, the room filled with laughter again.  Cory stood up from the bed and the next girl sat down.

It was Charlotte.  The room grew quiet, expecting one of Charlotte’s serious and contemplated thoughts.  “What do I want... hmm?”  Mischief filled her eyes.  “I want to be able to sneak out the window for my date and get back in when it’s over—without getting caught!”  There was more laughter as she bounced off the bed, leaving an empty space for the next girl.

Hesitantly, Stacey Kennedy sat on the bed next.  She wasn’t one of the famous Kennedy’s, although her indifferent attitude would make one think otherwise.  In her usual, mordant tone, she said, “I want to find a better party.”  With that, she was off the bed and out of the room with an uproar of boo’s and hisses following her.

Charlotte looked toward me and said, “I think you’re up next.”

I watched closely, interested to see how much I’d changed since then.  I noticed my hair was the same, but I seemed unsure of myself.  My steps cautious, I eyed everyone as if expecting to find stares of disapproval. 

I spoke with little assurance in my voice, “I want something that starts with once-upon-a-time and ends with happily-ever-after.”

One of the girls in the background yelled, “She wants the seven dwarfs!” before the room filled with laughter, turning my cheeks crimson.   

I sunk into the couch and buried my head in my hands while Charlotte and Cory laughed.  I didn’t have to hear their chuckles to know how corny I sounded back then.  Watching this in front of anyone else would have brought on a rash of embarrassment I would have found unbearable. 

“Oh my God, please tell me that I wasn’t really that sappy.”

Neither offered a verbal reply while nodding in unison.

I sat up straight, my tone becoming more serious, and I said, “How did I get so far off track?  What I wanted seemed so simple back then.”

Charlotte shut off the television and tossed the remote to the couch.  “I think the easier something seems, the harder it actually is.”  With a faraway look in her eyes, she added, “At least it’s always been that way for me.”

I shook my head slightly.  “I don’t know Char, life hasn’t worked out the way any of us thought it would.  You’ve spent years thinking and re-thinking and you’re just now finding happiness.  Cory laughs but the world doesn’t always laugh with her and I don’t know what the hell I’ve been doing but I haven’t found any profound answers to life’s questions.”  I said the last part of my sentence with humor, to avoid a serious conversation that would darken the mood for the rest of the day.

Charlotte sat catty-corner from me, staring me in the eyes. 

“Meg, are you still confused about Brian?”

As much as I didn’t want to talk about him, I felt compelled to answer her question.