Lighting the Flames (17 page)

It
hadn
’
t hurt as much as she
’
d expected. Grief was
always behind her, Gen thought, and it still tackled her from
behind sometimes, but she was moving away from it faster than she
realized.

Things that sucked
were changing into things that didn
’
t suck so
much.

After she lit
her
yahrzeit
candle, everyone gathered closer to
light the Hanukkah candles. They filled one half of the menorah,
and when, last of all, the Shabbat candles were lit, there was so
much light, it illuminated everyone
’
s faces as they stood
around the table.

She stood amid the
crowd of families as they moved through the Sabbath service. She
felt the glances in her direction, and if she lifted her eyes from
the prayer book, someone was invariably looking over at her, and
they
’
d smile, warmly, with kindness. It wasn
’
t
irritating.

But Jeremy
wasn
’
t next to her. She
’
d stood near him for
several years
’
worth of summers, for morning prayer, Shabbat evening
services, Shabbat morning, Havdalah, and the prayers before and
after the meals. Prayer for her didn
’
t feel complete
without the scent of bug spray and pine trees, the sound of the
wind in the branches, and Jeremy standing beside her.

That night, he was up
front, talking about his hike that morning. He was so animated, his
hands and body telling the story along with his voice. He looked
like the grown-up version of himself again. Same T-shirt and fleece
pullover, same beard and scruffy hair underneath the hat he wore
instead of a
kippah
, but he stood
straight and proudly tall. He didn
’
t have that languid,
goofy restlessness that seemed a permanent part of him during the
summer.

“
On
our snow hike this a.m.,
”
he was saying,
“
some of the campers
talked about what they
’
d do if they got to
lead part of Shabbat services, what they wanted to talk about. So I
asked Scott
—”

At this, Scott snorted. Apparently asking was not
what had happened.

“
Okay, I
politely
requested
—”

Another snort that turned into coughing, with
possibly a muttered denial.

“
Okay, fine, I pounded my chest and bellowed across camp
that we were taking over part of tonight
’
s service. Kids, you
ready?
”

From in between parents and behind older siblings,
the youngest campers, all under ten, moved forward to the front of
the room to stand with Jeremy. A few kids pulled folded pieces of
paper from their pockets.

Genevieve watched as
some parents stepped back, glancing at each other, folding arms,
communicating in many tiny, unmistakable ways that they thought
Jeremy wasn
’
t up to the task of leading or of adding anything
significant to the evening service. He wasn
’
t the thoughtful one
or the wise one. He was one of the wicked children at camp, even as
a staff member. They weren
’
t entirely
wrong
—
his pranks and antics with Gen were infamous. They knew he
was one who broke the rules and did everything that stood opposite
of what he was supposed to do
—
like surprising the
camp director and breaking color war in the middle of a five-day
winter camp. Gen wanted to run around and smack their arms down,
tell them how wrong they were, but she knew Jeremy could prove or
disprove their conclusions on his own.

“
While we were walking in the woods, some of the kids were
talking about how Hanukkah sometimes felt so much less meaningful
than Christmas, and that it stank sometimes that the whole world
seems to goes on and on about Christmas, while Hanukkah was like
the
—
what was it?
”

Kevin piped up.
“
Dorky
sixth cousin.
”

“
Yeah, that
’
s it
—
the dorky sixth
cousin of Christmas.
”
More parental frowning and muttering slid through
the air after that statement, but Jeremy didn
’
t stop
talking.
“
No question that they are a bit related, though. Ella had
something to say about that.
”

Ella stepped forward,
a crumpled piece of Jeremy
’
s notebook in her
hands, her eyes looking at the paper and not at anywhere or anyone
else in the room. Genevieve heard Jeremy murmur something to her
but couldn
’
t make out what she said.

Then Ella took a huge
breath and said in the loudest voice Genevieve had ever heard her
use,
“
Christmas in the religious sense is about being born, and
about being reborn. Christ the baby was born according to the
Christmas story, and all Christians are reborn with him in the
cycle of his life from birth to his death at
Easter.
”

At this point there was a lot more shuffling and
murmuring in the parental audience as the grown-ups grew
uncomfortable with the degree to which Christmas and now Jesus were
being discussed at a Hanukkah candle-lighting service at the start
of Shabbat. Genevieve understood, but she still wanted to smack
them.

“
But
a lot of that gets confusing for everyone,
”
Ella continued,
unbothered by the quiet tide of disapproving noises in front of
her.
“
There
’
s so much other stuff about Christmas that the meaning
and the significance can get lost behind glitter and lights. If you
ask six people about what Christmas means, you
’
ll get a dozen
answers and they
’
ll all be different.
”

Jeremy added,
“
Just like
there
’
s thirty-four different ways to spell
Hanukkah
in
Microsoft Word.
”

Some of the parents laughed at that. Ella tipped her
head back and smiled at up him, then looked back at her paper. Her
hands were steady, and her voice was strong and clear. Gen felt
pride like a warmth rising within her chest, watching Ella speak in
front of everyone.

“
There are a lot of ways to spell it, and it moves around
the calendar a lot, but with Hanukkah, it
’
s always the same.
The menorah, the blessing, and the commemoration are always the
same. And we can talk about what it
’
s
about.
”

Jeremy nodded.
“
We talked
about this while we hiked up the mountain. Everyone has to
answer.
”

Aniv, one of the
youngest campers along with Ella, said,
“
They tried to kill
us. We won. Pass the doughnuts, let
’
s
eat?
”

The adults laughed
more. Genevieve began to suspect that some of the commentary was
scripted, but it didn
’
t matter.

Kevin spoke
next.
“
The Maccabees defeated their enemies, and even though they
messed up the temple and left everything in a
mess
—”

“
Like your room?
”
Kevin
’
s twin sister, Kara,
asked.

“
Yeah, like my room,
”
Kevin replied, elbowing Kara, who
smiled and elbowed him back. Their mom had to cover her mouth when
she laughed so loudly heads turned.

“
The
Maccabees took care of the mess, and cleaned up, and even when we
didn
’
t think the oil was going to last, we lit the menorah
anyway.
”

“
We?
”
Jeremy asked with a big smile. The parents began to
smile as well, stepping forward to make sure they
didn
’
t miss a word. A few had pulled out their phones and were
quietly taking pictures.

“
Yeah,
we
.
That
’
s the other thing we talked about. In the synagogue or at
home, and during Passover or whatever, everything is
we
.
”
Kevin rubbed the ball cap on his head.
“
Like
we
’
re the Yankees or something.
”

“
Dude. We are so not the Yankees.
”

Jeremy took off his
wool cap and pulled his San Diego Padres hat from his pocket. A
wider tide of laughter moved through the group and someone who
sounded a lot like Scott yelled,
“
Go
Yanks
,
”
from the back of the
room. A few heads turned, but just as quickly everyone refocused on
the front.

That
’
s
right
, Genevieve
thought,
keep your eyes front
where the awesome is happening.
The growing pride that had started when Ella spoke
continued to fill her chest as Jeremy encouraged the children with
him to say their parts.

“
We
’
re on the same team, kind of,
”
Kevin said.
“
We
’
re the same people who defeated our enemies a boatload of
years ago.
”

A seven-year-old named
Sean added,
“
And Hanukkah is about remembering, too, that as a team
we can work together and take care of each other, even when
we
’
re outnumbered. And even if we
’
re divided up for
color war, we
’
re all on the same team here.
”

The last child on the end, a girl named Audrey,
stepped forward and looked up at Jeremy. He nodded at her.

“
So
we wanted to say thank you for Winter Camp, and for color war,
because we
’
re really glad we all play for the same team: Team
Awesome.
”

“
Yeah, Team Awesome!
”
Jeremy roared with his arms up as the
kids cheered and clapped, and the adults joined in with the
applause. A few turned around and smiled at Scott, who was making
his way to the front with the rabbi to finish services. He shook a
lot of hands on his way across the room, and when he got there, his
smile was bigger than Jeremy
’
s. He reached over
and shook Jeremy
’
s hand before Jeremy took a seat with his hiking group
off to the side where there was an empty bench. Gen saw Scott lean
over and whisper something else to Jeremy, but she
couldn
’
t see his lips to make out what he said.

Whatever it was, he looked happy.

*

Normally, during
summer camp, there wasn
’
t
wine
—
real wine
—
served for Friday night dinner. But since it was a
family week, and since there were more people over the legal age
than under, bottles of kosher wine had been added to the kitchen
order, and the adults helped themselves.

Genevieve felt strange drinking at camp. Really
strange. She was so used to it being forbidden that she felt
conspicuous and nervous standing next to Scott and the other staff
members holding a plastic cup of red wine. So she drank it a bit
too fast, and when the flush of the alcohol spread through her and
she finally, finally felt warm, she drank a little more.

After dinner, walking
up to the cabin with Jeremy, the cold didn
’
t bother her. She was
full of soup and lovely dinner and the sky was cloudy and dark and
there were no stars but she wasn
’
t freezing. The wind
didn
’
t try to cut her skin like it usually did. Maybe she and
the wind could be friends.

She followed the large
shadow of Jeremy
’
s back up the hill, through the trees. His footprints
in the snow were so large that if she stepped straight into them,
no snow fell into the cuffs of her boots, and she stayed dry. Dry
and warm.