Lighting the Flames (21 page)

“
No,
no, not like that. It
’
s not scary.
”
He shook his head, trying to find the
right words.
“
I think
…
I think she was waiting and she
didn
’
t want to leave. Usually, when I sit
shemira
,
it
’
s
very still and there
’
s no noise at all. And it
’
s like that in my
head, too. My thoughts are
…
I
don
’
t get distracted. It
’
s very focused and
peaceful. But with your mom, I couldn
’
t settle my
mind.
”

Jeremy looked down,
feeling his cheeks begin to burn, but not just because of the
cold.
“
I was constantly wondering if you were okay, and I was
beating myself up about it, because I wasn
’
t supposed to be
thinking about myself. I was supposed to be thinking about them. I
couldn
’
t stop wondering how you were. No one stopped to tell me
and Colin was supposed to relieve me, but he didn
’
t answer his phone
and never got my dad
’
s message, so I stayed there.
”

“
For
two days.
”

“
My
dad and I switched off, but until you woke up, I took every other
shift, and I think
…”

Gen waited.
“
You
think?
”

“
I
think
…”
Jeremy lifted his head and looked into her eyes.
“
I think
she was waiting until you were going to be all right, and then she
could go.
”

She stared at him. Afraid to continue but not able
to stop, Jeremy went on.

“
I
remember thinking I wanted you to be okay, that you
couldn
’
t die, that there was no way I could sit with you if you
did, and no way I
’
d let anyone else do it. And then, right after I
thought that, it was
…
quiet, like everything smoothed out, and it was
peaceful and still again. And that
’
s when I think she
went on to be with your dad, because somehow she knew you were all
right.
”

Gen
didn
’
t move, and he didn
’
t look
away.

“
A
little while later, my dad came to relieve me, and he told me that
you
’
d woken up.
”
Jer was quiet a minute before he
continued.
“
He told me when he thought the funeral was going to be.
That gave me the schedule to prepare, so I got to
work.
”

Gen pressed her lips together, her hands against his
chest, her eyes not blinking.

“
Then, that night, I felt horrible and went to bed. I woke
up the next morning with a high fever, and I
couldn
’
t get out of bed. I wanted to go to the funeral,
but
…”
He shook his head.
“
I
didn
’
t finish my job.
”

Gen shook her head
harshly.
“
Yes, you did. I mean
…
I
couldn
’
t do what you do. Not with people I know, much less people
I don
’
t. I
…
I had no idea.
”

“
That
’
s what I do,
”
he said
,
like it was his
brother
’
s paper route, as easy as biking down a street each
morning.
“
I also do paperwork. Oh, and a spreadsheet. I have, like,
nineteen of those. You want to hear about them?
”

His smile was gentle
and familiar. She laughed, but then it cracked in the middle like
ice over the lake, and she broke into gasping pieces. He lifted his
hand to touch her hair, and that
’
s when Gen began to
cry, taking deep gulping breaths and shuddering as grief and tears
and aching sadness took over everything else. Jeremy held her until
the air around them was silent and still. Then he held her some
more.

*

Their trek back
through the snow took less time than the trip out, even with the
time it took Jeremy to clear his voice mail. Colin had lost the
password to the office computer, called four times in ten minutes
to see if Jeremy would pick up, then called back to say
he
’
d
found it
—
and then again to ask if Jeremy would maybe not tell their
dad that he
’
d lost it.

Instead of following the same trail back, Jeremy
took another route, looping behind the tent platforms and heading
toward the stables. They passed the ridge that marked the edge of
the camp property and moved behind the stables and the paddock. The
fields covered with corduroy ripples of snow and the snow statues
of each of them were standing guard at the opposite end. Jeremy was
quiet while they hiked but kept turning to see if Gen was still
with him. With the layers of ice beneath them, it was slow and
arduous at points. The winds had pushed the fallen snow across the
path they followed, leaving waist-high ridges to climb over or push
through. They were breathing heavily and started laughing as they
fell into and out of fluffy piles of snow.

Then Jeremy lifted
both hands into the air and hollered,
“
Freshies
!
”
before plummeting into a snowbank higher than his head. He
disappeared into it and came out covered with clumps of snow
clinging to his parka, his hair, even his beard.

Gen laughed until her eyes watered and tried to help
him brush the snow off his face, but her gloves did nothing but
spread the snow farther, and he swatted her away. She laughed even
harder.

Then she removed her glove and with her bare hand
began pushing the wet and melting snow from his forehead, his
cheeks, his beard, and his mouth. His beard had been trimmed neatly
at the start of camp, but it was already becoming scruffy. She
liked it either way. She wanted to run her fingers through it, feel
it beneath her fingertips, against her mouth, explore the texture
for hours, and find out if he was still ticklish beneath his
jaw.

She was so intent, she
didn
’
t notice that he
’
d stopped fighting
her or pushing her hand away. He
’
d stopped moving
altogether, and when she finally did recognize his stillness, she
looked up at his eyes in shock, worried that he was
hurt.

Then he smiled. Not his usual giant grin, the one
that split his face and encompassed not only himself but the
nearest three people as well. It was a small, private smile, one
that she realized he only made when she was close to him.

She
’
d seen it when they
broke color war and surprised the hell out of Scott. Scott had been
muttering to Jeremy, but Jeremy had looked up at her, and even
though a crowd of campers were jumping on her, demanding to know
what team they were on, that grin had a gravity all its own, and it
had drawn her attention immediately.

Now he wore it again,
his eyes green and kind, his smile half-hidden under his
snow-matted beard, and she couldn
’
t look away from him,
away from his eyes.

She lifted her hands from his cheeks.

“
I
’
m sorry
—
my hands must be
—”

And then he leaned
forward and kissed her, and not a chaste kiss, either, quick and
absent of possibility. His kiss scorched her, a slant of fire that
she needed like she needed air and campfires and
s
’
mores at night. He slowly, gently, brought her closer to
him while his mouth melted everything around her.

She
didn
’
t want to stop kissing him, and she
wouldn
’
t let him pull away, even though their many layers
prevented them from getting much closer. When they parted, lips
closing and eyes opening at the same moment to look at each other,
at first hesitantly and then with warmth and joy, his half smile
returned, wider and meant for her alone. Between the fire of his
kiss and the welcoming heat of his smile, Gen wanted to take off a
layer. Or six.

“
We
are not done yet, madam,
”
he said, pulling on his glove with
his teeth and taking her hand in his own.

“
Oh,
really?
”
He started walking and pulled her gently along next to
him.

“
Our
journey continues. Our mission!
”

“
Oh,
no. Is the Jiffy Latrine guy back? Jeremy, we cannot steal that
man
’
s sign.
”

“
No,
my lady,
you
have a mission.
”

“
I
do?
”

“
Indeed!
”
She elbowed him and when he glanced down at her, she
glared.
“
Dude. Seriously. Tell me where we
’
re
going?
”

“
No.
We journey through the freshies to find your
mission!
”
She elbowed him again, harder. He coughed and tried to hide
it with a laugh.

“
Fine, most violent one, I
’
ll tell you. When you
get up from shivah, you walk around the block.
”

“
I
know that. I
did
that, in fact.
”
Going outside and
symbolically reentering the world then returning home
hadn
’
t been easy. She hadn
’
t wanted to climb up
the steps, knowing the house was still empty, that she was the only
one coming and going, without anyone to look after her
anymore.
“
But that
’
s after a week. It
’
s been two
years.
”

“
And
I am aware of that fact, young lady.
”

“‘
Young lady
’
? I
’
m older than you.
”

“
By
two weeks. But I
’
m taller. And I know things.
”

She raised one
eyebrow.
“
Like what, that the air is thinner up
there?
”

He smirked at her, but
he didn
’
t speak.

“
Jeremy, are you making me hike around camp?
That
’
s way unnecessary. And we did that
yesterday.
”

“
No,
that is not your mission.
”

“
Then what?
”

“
Trust me,
”
he said, looking down at her, that smile on his
face. She nodded, and he didn
’
t speak again until
they reached the supply cabin, where all the equipment was stored.
He unlocked the door, stepped in, and then jumped out within
moments, two ropes, two helmets, and a set of clips in his
hand.

“
What are you doing?
”

“
You
will see.
”

He took her hand
again, and brought her farther into the forest until he stopped at
the base of a pole, a pole that would have looked familiar if there
wasn
’
t snow hanging on every nearby tree branch, obscuring it
from view until they stood alongside it.

“
Wait. Is this the zip line?
”

“
Indeed, it is.
”

She shook her head at him as she looked up at the
treetops, at the platform above their heads attached to the pole,
and the wire attached above it. The snow had been cleared from the
platform, and when she looked closer, she saw that the ice and snow
had been tamped down around the base so the climbing cleats that
stuck out on each side were reachable from the ground.