Lighter Shades of Grey (10 page)

“No” means “turn up uninvited and try and talk me round”

[Ana to Christian, by email]

Okay, I’ve seen enough.
It was nice knowing you.
Ana. (p188)

I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my eye…but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway of my bedroom watching me intently. (p189)

So, Christian. All that stuff about “You can walk away at any time and I won’t pressure you” was just a
big old lie
, then.

In two places at once

“How…?”

He smiles at me.

“I’m still at the Heathman.” (p189)

“…and this thing apparently sitting on your bed is just my holographic avatar.”

Ana is surprised by Christian’s man-about-town knowledge

“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?”

Oh shit. I flush.

“I didn’t think you were familiar with the Bible.” (p190)

Hey Ana, d’you know? I am a flag-bearing, card-carrying, third-generation Atheist who wasn’t even christened. I only go to church for other people’s weddings, I’ve been known to put my iPod on during the sermon, and the whole time I’m in there I’m tormented by the irrational fear that I’ll shrivel away into a little pile of smoking dust.

Nonetheless,
even I
am somehow aware of the idiom “and Dick knew Jane, fnar fnar”. Amazing.

Christian Grey, date-rapist

“I needed time to think,” I whisper.

…“Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me.” (p191)

Well, I think someone ought to pick up the phone and call the cops, because this is looking perilously like Christian doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.

But then I’m not a fucked-up billionaire or a clueless recently-deflowered virgin, so what the hell would I know?

Ana’s active participation is not required

I take pre-emptive action and launch myself at him… (p191)

He moves so quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard…

His look is triumphant, mixed with relief. (p191 – 192)

Am I the only one who thinks maybe Christian might be a whole lot happier with an alarmingly realistic sex-doll?

Sinister and sinisterer

I know he’s talking to Kate – oh no…he’s practically naked. What’s she going to say. I hear a faint popping sound. What’s that? (p193)

Photo:
Theis Kofoed Hjorth [flickr]

Just a thought.

Is this even physically possible?

[Ana is tied to the bedpost by her wrists]

He stares down at me for a moment, measuring my need, then he grabs me suddenly and flips me over. (p195)

…and dislocates your shoulder in the process.

Just in case there was any doubt about exactly how creepy Christian is…

“So, that e-mail was your idea of a joke.”

“Only certain things are funny, Anastasia. I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all.” (p197)

I love that he only bothers to check this
after
he turns up uninvited, ties her to her bed and has extremely rough sex with her.

Seriously, am I the only one seeing this?

[Kate to Ana] “Why did he turn up today?”

“I sent him an email.”

“Asking him to drop by?”

“No, saying I didn’t want to see him anymore.”

“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.” (p201)

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Genius, (
n
):

• Exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability
  

• Exceptional intellectual or creative power applied solely for the purpose of forcing unwilling partners into having sex with you
  

Straining at a gnat

“He came here to fuck me, that’s all….he uses sex as a weapon.”

“Fucks you into submission?” She shakes her head disapprovingly…

“…Christians’ terminology. He doesn’t do the love thing.”

“I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.”

…Oh Kate…I wish I could tell you everything, everything about this strange, sad, kinky guy, and you could tell me to forget about him. (p201 – 202)

Ana, if Kate’s not flinching at “He uses sex as a weapon”, I seriously doubt that adding on “…and he has a bed padded with oxblood leather” is going to tip her over the edge into telling you to Leave The Bastard.

Ana’s mom is very supportive

My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has twisted some ligament which means he’s hobbling around all over the place. Honestly, he’s as accident-prone as I am…my mother has to wait on him hand and sore foot. (p207)

1. Dear Ana’s mom. If your husband is capable of hobbling, then he is capable of fending for himself for a couple of days.
   

2. Although, fair play to the man – it’s probably fair enough that Bob comes first. After all, his twisted ligament is a once-in-a-lifetime event that represents the culmination of four years of hard work, whereas your daughter graduates from college at least three or four times a year, right?
   

At work, Ana gets harassed by the boss’s son

Paul is back from Princeton…he follows me round the store all day asking me for a date. It’s annoying. (p212)

Ana, I think you should lawyer up and start suing all these bastards who keep coming onto you at inappropriate moments. Seriously. You’ll make enough to retire on.

Multiple personality disorder?

[Ana’s stepfather’s] quiet fortitude is what I need now, what I miss. Maybe I can channel my Inner Ray for my meeting tomorrow. (p212)

I bet the reason Inner Ray hardly ever shows up is because he can’t stand it when your Inner Goddess starts bustin’ her moves all over the inside of your head.

Ana’s relationship with make-up

I rarely wear make-up – it intimidates me. (p213)

Oh, me too. I was intimidated once by six lipsticks and a mean-looking mascara wand. They took my bag off me and wouldn’t give it back for ages. Then they found my diary and read extracts out loud and laughed at me. It was awful.

Obligatory clunky piece of intertextuality (4)

My…references are all fictional: Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged, Jane Eyre too frightened, and Tess would succumb, just as I have. (p225)

1. Elizabeth Bennett would have torn a strip off Christian and made him totally re-assess his entire approach to life, thus transforming himself into a nice young man who any woman would be delighted to marry. More importantly, if he
   hadn’t
   transformed, she wouldn’t have married him anyway, just on the off-chance that somehow it might work out. Because Elizabeth Bennett knew in her bones that there was more to life than a man.
   

2. Jane Eyre routinely refers to Mr Rochester as “My Master” and actively prefers him to pinch her earlobe and insult her, rather than kiss her gently and tell her she’s beautiful. So I imagine she’d have been rather into all of this.
   

3. Tess. Was. Raped.
   

A use for all these people who keep following Ana around

My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes – play this sex god at his own game….what to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck. (p225)

Maybe you could get your inner goddess to hold the albatross for you.

Christian the traffic cop

“Is this [car] roadworthy?” He’s glaring at me now. (p228)

No. That’s why it’s been taking her safely from A to B for the last four years, why Ana has up-to-date tabs and insurance and why the cops haven’t pulled her over and confiscated it.

In which Ana has a proper / improper dream, then graduates

At last, a real dream

Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited, leather riding crop. He’s wearing old, faded, ripped Levis and that’s all…

…He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release.

Abruptly I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm…what the hell just happened? (p231)

And yet, Ana, when you spent all night dreaming about disembodied eyeballs and foam on top of coffee-cups, you felt it all made
total sense
.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (3)

I’m in my bedroom alone. How? Why? (p231)

Because you came in here last night and got into bed and went to sleep.

Time for Ana to invest in a tinfoil hat

I sit bolt upright, shocked…wow. It’s morning. (p231)

Argh! Timeslip! You must have been abducted by aliens!

You didn’t know this? Really?

I didn’t know I could dream sex. (p231)

Ana, did you actually go through puberty like the rest of us?

Basic anatomy fail (4)

Unbidden, I recall my dream from this morning, and the muscles in my belly do the delectable clench thing. (p235)

Ana, I sincerely hope that the muscles doing the “delectable clench thing” are actually the ones in your vagina. If your stomach muscles are clenching, you’re suffering from diarrhoea, which is very rarely considered delectable.

We couldn’t be bothered to write this bit

[At Kate and Ana’s graduation. Kate is Valedictorian]

Miss Katherine Kavanagh has taken the stage…She’s so composed and funny, the girls beside me erupt on cue at her first joke. Oh, Katherine Kavanagh, you can deliver a good line. (p236)

I had a really funny joke to go with this observation. I didn’t bother writing it down because my pen was on the other side of the table and I didn’t want to reach that far, but trust me, it was brilliant. You’d have loved it.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (10)

My jaw falls to the floor. (p237)

But if you pick it up real quick and wedge it back on before anyone notices, you might get away with it.

Time and eternity

…it takes just over an hour before I hear my name. (p238)

The ceremony takes another hour. It’s interminable. (p238)

Or maybe it just took two hours.

And I’m so worried about the baggage retrieval system they’ve got at Heathrow

[Christian to Ana] “I’ve been worried about you…you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.” (p239)

Oh Christian. And even the sight of her sitting safely with all the other students wasn’t enough to reassure you…sucks to be you, huh.

Meet the parents, round two

[Ana to Christian] “Introduce you to my dad as what? ‘This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship’?” (p240)

According to Emily Post, Ana - when introducing your significant other, it’s rarely considered good form to specify either the precise circumstances of your own prior sexual history, or the exact kind of sex you’ve been having.

A more gracious way to handle the situation is to simply say “Ray, this is my friend Christian, Christian, this is my stepdad Ray”, and leave everyone else to fill in the blanks.

It’s just possible there is more than one drink available at this venue

Ray hands me a glass of champagne or cheap fizzy wine, I suspect. It’s not chilled, and it tastes sweet. My thoughts turn to Christian…he won’t like this. (p241)

Well, he’ll be shrivelling up with thirst later, then, won’t he.

For the space of one line of dialogue, this book becomes good

“So how long have you kids known each other?” Ray looks impassively from Christian to me. (p242)

Okay, E L James, that’s a genuinely great line. Dry, deadpan, contextually appropriate.

Ray, I think I might actually love you a little bit.

….and we’re back in the room

“We met when Anastasia came to interview me for the student magazine.”

“Didn’t know you worked on the student magazine, Ana.” Ray’s voice is a quiet admonishment, revealing his irritation. Shit. (p243)

Okay, E L James, maybe I don’t love Ray after all.

Also, I need to call my dad, like,
right now
. I just realised that in my regular debrief of all my movements for the last seven days, I forgot to tell him that Tuesday at 1pm, I went to the shop to buy eggs.

And while we’re at it, the word you’re looking for is “admonition”.

Conversations that would never happen (2)

Ray raises his eyebrows and smiles…and off [Ray and Christian] go, talking fish. (p243)

“Oh hey, you know what fish are great? Trout.”

“Trout! Get outta town, I freakin’
love
trout!”

“They’re so freakin’ cool, man. Gotta love trout.”

“And you know what else?
Catfish.
”