Lighter Shades of Grey (13 page)

Christian sets me on my feet on the wooden floor. I don’t have time to examine my surroundings – my eyes can’t leave him. (p347)

Also, you already examined and extensively described your surroundings.

His pulse never got above eighty-five…

His tongue and my tongue twist and turn together, consuming each other. He tastes divine. (p348)

Ohboyohboyohboy, cannibalism! My favourite!

Ana and Christian in the car on the way home

We’re coming near to the edge of the bridge, and the road is once more bathed in the neon light of the street lamps so his face is intermittently in the light and the dark. And it’s such a fitting metaphor. This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero, a brave shining white knight – or the dark knight as he said. He’s not a hero; he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. (p355)

Okay, Ana:

1. A metaphor requires you to describe one thing by comparing it to another, superficially dis-similar, thing. “Christian Grey is sometimes light and sometimes dark, like the way he is now actually looking sometimes light and sometimes dark” is really more of a concrete illustration of an abstract idea.
   

2. Also, you appear to be dating Batman.
   

Christian speculates on the nature of consent

“Do you think that for once I should play hard to get?”…

“Well…the door’s closed. Not sure how you’re going to avoid me,” he says sardonically. “I think it’s a done deal.” (p358)

Christian, “Ana is in the same room as you behind a closed door” is not a synonym for “Ana consents to have sex with you”. She is allowed to withdraw consent at any time.

I am never, ever, ever having Ana over to my place

I shake my head, resigned, and grasp Christian’s toothbrush. (p360)

Seriously. Who remembers to pack a nice frock to meet the parents in, but forgets clean panties and a toothbrush?

Photo: Pip R Lagenta [flickr]

Christian’s mysterious past

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Holy fuck…what does that mean? (p367)

Well, I
think
he means that the woman who brought him into this world was a crack whore, and he thinks it’s time to go to sleep. But I could be wrong.

Christian doing some business

“Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested, Ros. We’re not carrying dead weight…I don’t need any more lame excuses…Have Marco call me, it’s shit or bust time…” (p370)

Dear Christian,

1. If you own “that company”, then you have a huge interest in seeing its P&L improve, because improving the P&Ls of companies you own is how you make your money.
   

2. If you are considering selling “that company”, you should still be taking an interest in improving its P&L. You will get a better price for a modestly successful company than one that’s crashing and burning.
   

3. If you are thinking about buying “that company”, then you would actually
   want
   its P&L to remain lousy until after the purchase, because they you will be able to acquire it at a lower price than if it was doing well.
   

Please make up your mind.

Christian has an Ed Gein moment

He’s got right under my skin…literally. (p377)

…and now he’s put it on and he’s dancing around in his basement to Q Lazzarus while he waits for his moth collection to hatch out.

Pointless fanfic artefact

At the head of the maple conference table sits a young man with red hair tied in a ponytail. Small, silver, hooped earrings glint in both his ears.

He says my name softly and cocks his head to one side…it’s unnerving. Doing my best to ignore the irrational wariness he inspires, I launch into my carefully prepared speech… (p379)

“It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Ana,” Jack says softly as he takes my hand. He squeezes it gently, so that I blink up at him as I say goodbye.

I feel unsettled as I make my way to the car, though I’m not sure why. (p380)

Dear E L James. This character is clearly James, the not-terribly-badass vampire who tried to kill Bella at the end of “Twilight”. As we both know, in a fanfic AU context, extra kudos is awarded for how well you manage to integrate the original cast into your re-imagined universe. Your original readers will have understood this, and James / Jack’s presence would have made perfect sense.

In an original-fiction work, however, this makes no sense. All that’s happened here is you’ve pointlessly introduced
yet another
predatory male who appears to have sinister designs on Ana – a subplot which will go absolutely nowhere, at least in this book, and which adds nothing to the main narrative whatsoever.

My career goes bang

“And where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”

“Copy editing, perhaps? Maybe a literary agent, I’m not sure. I am open to opportunities.” (p380)

Dear Ana. “Copy editing” means going through other people’s manuscripts with a fine-tooth comb and correcting errors of spelling, grammar and punctuation. They’re meticulous, focused and careful. “Literary agents” manage the relationship between writers and publishers. They’re editors, negotiators, hand-holders and wheeler-dealers.

If you’re not sure which you’d be best at, you’re probably not right for of them.

Christian has principles. Except when he doesn’t

[Christian to Ana, by email]

Anastasia
Mrs Jones is a valued employee…I do not employ anyone I’ve had any sexual relations with. I am shocked you would think so. (p386)

Well, to be fair Christian, you did have sex with Ana and then repeatedly offer her a job. So she’s not going completely out on a limb here.

More about Christian’s hiring practices

The only person I would make an exception to this rule is you – because you are a bright young woman with remarkable negotiating skills. (p386)

Since the only thing Ana’s managed to negotiate so far is “you will not police my eating or sleeping habits, and when we have sex, you will not shove your entire fist into my vagina or anus”, this position is hard to substantiate.

The ironing is delicious

[Ana to Christian, by email]

Dear Sir
The morning was exemplary for me too, in spite of you weirding out on me after the impeccable desk sex… (p384)
Anastasia
I shall take impeccable as a compliment – though with you, I’m never sure if that’s what you mean or if your sense of irony is getting the better of you – as usual. (p386)

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Irony, (
n
):

• The use of words to convey something other than, and especially opposite to, the literal meaning
  

• E L James’ attempts to convince us that Christian is a marvellously intuitive lover who knows Ana better than she knows herself, when he is completely unable to read her body-language and secretly suspects she is faking every orgasm
  

Objectionable airline stereotype

“Ticket please?” The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.

Mirroring his boredom, I hand over my ticket…

“Okay, Miss Steele. You’ve been upgraded to first class…if you’d like to go through to the first class lounge and await your flight there.” He seems to have woken up and is beaming at me like I’m the Christmas Fairy and the Easter Bunny rolled into one.

“Surely there’s some mistake.”

“No, no….” he simpers at me. (p388)

Okay, E L James,

1. Not all men working in the airline industry are gay
   

2. Of the gay men who do work in the airline industry, not all of them are flouncy
   

3. Of the gay men who work in the airline industry and are flouncy, almost none of them have a deliberate policy of being actively servile to the First Class passengers, and actively rude to all the rest. How long do you think any employee with this attitude would last?
   

4. Therefore I’m assuming you’re just employing a lazy homophobic stereotype to liven up your scene, and…
   

5. …I’ll look forward to meeting your eye-rolling, lip-smacking, jazz-hands porter with the great sense of rhythm and the simple “Yas’suh” homespun wisdom shortly.
   

In which sense is briefly talked; but only briefly; and no-one’s listening.

Living the high life

I am manicured, massaged, and I’ve had two glasses of champagne. The First Class lounge has many redeeming features. (p389)

That sounds lovely Ana, but unfortunately Sea-Tac Airport doesn’t have a first-class lounge. Maybe after Kate dropped you off you accidentally got in a taxi and drove two and a half thousand miles to JFK?

Ana is from another century

I glance anxiously at my watch and then the disembodied voice from the flight deck announces, “Cabin crew, doors to automatic and cross-check.”

What does that mean? Are they closing the doors? (p391)

Ana, you’re from Georgia and go to college in Vancouver. Are you seriously telling me this is your first time on a plane?

In what universe is this okay?

[Christian to Ana, by email]

Dear Miss Steele
I know what you’re trying to do – and trust me – you’ve succeeded. Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate.

Holy crap. That’s the problem with Christian’s humor – I can never be sure if he’s joking or if he’s seriously angry. (p392)

No, the problem with Christian’s humor is that some things are
just not funny
.

Somewhere in the universe, a hard-working Apple designer is sobbing quietly into his coffee

[Bob] takes my backpack.

“Jeez, Ana, what have you got in here?”

That will be the Mac… (p396)

A MacBook Pro weighs about four and a half pounds. Bob is a professional sportsman. Whatever it is that’s weighing you down, it will certainly not be the Mac.

Maybe Christian hid himself away in your luggage?

Photo: gingerpig2000 [flickr]

A Mother’s intuition

“So, Ana…tell me about this man who has you in such a spin.”

Spin! How can she tell? (p397)

1. Spin! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!
   

2. Well Ana, she might have some sort of spooky telepathic insight that allows her to see what no-one else can. Or it might be because pretty much every time you’ve spoken to her in the course of this book, you’ve burst into tears. Your pick.
   

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (7)

“Oh, Mom, his mood swings make me dizzy. He’s had a grim upbringing, so he’s very closed, difficult to gauge.”

“Do you like him?”

“I more than like him.”

“Really?” She gapes at me. (p398)

1. Dear Mrs Steele (or whoever you are by now…with four husbands so far, it’s hard to know). Why are you so surprised to find that Ana likes the man she’s dating? Did you honestly think she was spending time with this man just out of politeness and good manners?
   

2. Unless
   you
   know she’s gay, of course.