Lighter Shades of Grey (6 page)

In which case:

1. I am now picturing Kate showing you how to give yourself a landing-strip. And not in a good way.
   

2. Still, I suppose if you routinely let your “friends” boss you around like this, it might explain why you seem to have such a problem with boundaries.
   

Ana wonders why Kate doesn’t like Christian

For some strange reason, Kate doesn’t trust [Christian], maybe because he’s so stiff and formal. (p85)

EITHER:

Kate doesn’t trust Christian because his manners are unusually decorous

OR:

Kate doesn’t trust Christian because last night in the bar, he kidnapped you, stripped you naked and hid your clothes

Getting crowded in here

After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. (p86)

People now living in Ana’s head:

• Ana
  

• Ana’s sub-conscious
  

• Ana’s inner goddess
  

There will be others along later.

Seriously. There really will.

Things that are not fables

I wonder where the fabled helicopter might be. We’re in a built-up area of the city, and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land. (p86)

Ana, sweetie,

1. Helicopters are real.
   

2. Therefore, they do not belong in the same class of object as unicorns, minotaurs, blind albino alligators living in the sewers and that woman whose face was impregnated by a spider.
   

3. The whole point of a helicopter (as opposed to an aeroplane) is that it
   can
   take off and land in a relatively small space. That’s why police forces rarely use Police Boeings to track and capture criminals on the run.
   

Photo: didbygraham [flickr]

Pavlovian Response

He nods curtly to his driver, and we head…straight to a set of elevators. Elevator! (p87)

Just so I know, Ana, are you going to be doing this every time you see something that reminds you of a significant event with Christian? Coffee shop! Teabag! Blonde! Vomit! Leaf! Kidnapper! Tess of the D’Urbervilles!

If it stops raining, it won’t be as wet

I’m glad that the area is floodlit, otherwise I’d find it difficult to see inside the small cockpit. (p88)

And I’m glad the lights are on in my house, otherwise I’d find it really difficult to read these words and then mercilessly mock you when you point out the obvious.

Ana experiences a rare moment of self-preservation

“I’m just going through all the pre-flight checks.” Christian’s disembodied voice is in my ears through the headphones.

“Do you know what you are doing?” I ask. (p88)

No, Ana, I think he’s probably just flicking switches on and off at random to try and impress you, before grabbing the joystick, pressing the “start” button and crashing the sorry-ass pair of you straight to your doom against the nearest mountain.

Welcome to your in-flight briefing

Portland disappears in front of us as we head into US airspace, though my stomach remains firmly in Oregon. Whoa! All the bright lights shrink until they are twinkling sweetly below us. It’s like looking out from inside a fish bowl. Once we’re higher, there really is nothing to see. It’s pitch black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How can he see where we’re going? (p89)

Okay Ana, just a few points:

1. Unless something’s gone quite horribly wrong, the last thing you should be seeing
   in front of you
   is a major city.
   

2. Unless you are flying at something approaching the speed of light, you and your stomach will be remaining in the state of Oregon for at least half an hour.
   

3. Unless there has been a state-wide power-cut, the lights of the cities and towns below you will not go out just because you happen to be 10,000 feet above them.
   

4. Unless Christian forgot to put them on, your helicopter will be illuminated by the array of lights attached to its exterior, which you may have noticed if you ever took the trouble to glance up at the night sky when a helicopter flies over.
   

5. Unless that pre-flight check really was just a massive snow-job, Christian will also be making use of the extensive array of on-board instruments which show him exactly where the helicopter is at all times.
   

So now you can just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

“Are you impressed?”

“I’m awed, Christian…You’re just so…competent.” (p90)

Awe (
n
):

• a
  mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might
  

• a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of a man not actually crashing his helicopter into a mountain.
  

Ana sees Christian’s living-room for the first time

It’s the main living area, double height. Huge is too small a word for it. (p93)

Then choose another word.

Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (3)

As I sit, I’m struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile. (p95)

Ana, as I read this, I’m struck by the fact that you’ve fundamentally misunderstood the nature of Tess’s relations with Alec. First, he raped her and got her pregnant. Then, when she and her family were destitute, he used her economic vulnerability to coerce her into becoming his mistress.

Still, at least we’re both smiling. So, there’s that.

And then there were three

“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe. (p95)

1. From what vantage point is your subconscious staring at you? Has she now climbed out from the cavernous void between your ears and found a good spot on the sofa to watch from?
   

2. Ana’s Alternative Dictionary
   

Awe, (
n
):

• a mixed emotion reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of someone about to do something really quite tremendously stupid.
  

Conversations that would never happen

“This is a nondisclosure agreement…My lawyer insists on it.” (p95)

INT, SEATTLE, DAY

LAWYER and CHRISTIAN GREY in office. LAWYER appears nervous

LAWYER

Mr Grey, as you’ve now passed a certain undefined threshold of wealthiness, it’s my legal duty to become weirdly intrusive on the subject of your sex life.

CHRISTIAN

Really? That happens to everyone?

LAWYER

Oh yes, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and everyone.

(BEAT)

CHRISTIAN

Um - why?

LAWYER

In case you embarrass the shareholders.

CHRISTIAN

I own the company. I don’t have any shareholders.

LAWYER

Tax reasons. I meant tax reasons.

CHRISTIAN

-

LAWYER

(INTERRUPTING)

So, what are you into?

CHRISTIAN

Um…I like…BDSM?

LAWYER

Ah.

CHRISTIAN

That’s a problem?

LAWYER

That’s a problem.

CHRISTIAN

Sex between consenting adults is a problem? Why? How?

LAWYER

Don’t worry, we can fix this.

CHRISTIAN

Why does it need fixing?

LAWYER

Shhhh. Just get all your future partners to sign this utterly inapplicable and non-binding document.

(HANDS OVER DOCUMENT TO CHRISTIAN)

CHRISTIAN

(LOOKS THROUGH THE DOCUMENT)

A Non-Disclosure Agreement? But aren’t they designed to protect the commercial interests of two contracting business parties who are exchanging information that carries a measurable financial value?

LAWYER

That’s right. In fact, in the context of a personal relationship, this document has no real legal significance at all. You can’t prevent someone from discussing their sex life with anyone they want. Something to do with that annoying constitutional right to free speech. But it’ll help you artificially string out the narrative tension for another few chapters before you finally get down to business. So, will you get all your lovers to sign it?

CHRISTIAN

(SHRUGS)

Whatevs.

Christian and Ana prepare to get down to business

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”

“No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love, I fuck…hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

“You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. (p96)

1. Dear Christian. Just so we’re clear - it doesn’t matter how much paperwork you get Ana to sign, you’re still not allowed to do stuff to her she doesn’t like or want.
   

2. Also, she can still talk to anyone she wants, about anything she wants, whenever she wants. So you might as well just get over your bad-ass paperwork self and move straight to the Hard Fucking.
   

3. Dear Ana. Since we’re all dropping F-bombs left and right, can I just point out that there is such a thing as being too unbelievably fucking stupid.
   

In which Ana explores Christian’s playroom, and Christian explores Ana’s playroom

No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition

…it feels like I’ve time-travelled back to…the Spanish Inquisition.

The first thing I notice is the smell: leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of highly-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs at each corner. Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling…from it hand all manner of ropes, chains and shackles…two long, polished, ornately carved poles…hang like curtain rods across the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and funny-looking feathery implements.

Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers…In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench…There’s a stout six-foot table in the opposite corner…and two matching stools.

But what dominates the room is the bed. It’s bigger than king size, an ornately carved rococo poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century…there is no bedding…just a mattress covered in red leather and red satin cushions piled at one end. (p98)

Implements of torture used by the Spanish Inquisition

• Suspension devices consisting of a single attachment point, designed to induce a sensation of pain and suffocation
  

• Stuffing the victim’s mouth with cloth and pouring water onto it to induce a sensation of drowning
  

• Wooden frame with rollers and ropes (“the rack”) to stretch people, inducing agonising pain in the joints
  

Implements of torture rarely used by the Spanish Inquisition

• Suspension devices with multiple attachment points, designed to keep the victim immobile but reasonably comfortable and sexually accessible
  

• Suspension devices made of luxurious and expensive hardwoods, such as mahogany
  

• Paddles
  

• Whips
  

• Riding crops
  

• Funny-looking feathery implements
  

• Polish, especially scented with citrus
  

• Beds, especially those manufactured in the late nineteenth century
  

• Chests of drawers (any material)
  

• Leather benches
  

• Assorted soft furnishings
  

• In fact, pretty much anything in this bloody room
  

If only Ana thought this clearly all the time

I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench…He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me. (p100)

Well, that makes two of us.

What’s in a name?

[Ana to Christian] “You’re a sadist?”

“I’m a Dominant.” (p100)

You’re a twat.

Christian shares his views on how intimate relationships work

“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.”

…“Why would I want to do that?”

“To please me,” he whispers. (p100)