Life on Wheels (67 page)

Some people believe that they must find someone to “match” them physically. University of Michigan social worker Sandra Loyer incredulously remembers a young spinal-injured male who asked her:

Other people assume that a disabled partner will need an ablebodied partner to provide care. Relationships based on dependence may not be satisfying. Sex researcher Mitch Tepper warns:

You aren’t limited to disabled partners nor are you limited to ablebodied partners. The goal is to be with the right partner. There are many examples of successful relationships between a person with a disability and an ablebodied partner, just as some people find advantages in being with another person with a disability. There is a pattern emerging from the various writings and studies on relationships and disability. When people let their personalities shine, take care of their health, assume interest rather than rejection, and are able to communicate openly and honestly, they are attractive human beings, disability or not.

There are many more ablebodied persons out there than there are disabled persons. The odds alone seem to suggest that people with a disability need to take their search for love into the wider world. Yet, many ablebodied persons who meet a disabled person will doubt that you have sexual inclinations at all. Don’t let that stop you. You might get the chance to set them straight!

Some potential ablebodied partners might have unresolved issues about disability that they could impose on you, such as insisting that you use braces rather than a wheelchair or remain under the covers in bed because they are uncomfortable with seeing your body. Unless they’re willing to reassess these beliefs, they will not be an empowering partner for you.

Disabled men might consider it good news that many women are nurturing and open minded. However, according to Loyer, there are also women with less-than-ideal motivations:

There is nothing wrong with finding a nurturing person—male or female, straight or gay—but you need to know that you are recognized for who you are, not that you are only seen as “safe.”

There are reasonable concerns someone could have about involvement with a person with a disability. Given the same situation, you might ask the same questions. “Will he be dependent on me, now or later in life?” “Are their emotional traumas too complex for me to deal with?” “Will it limit my freedom to do things I enjoy that she can’t, like hiking in remote areas? How important is that to me?” “Will there be resistance from my family and friends?”

Mitch Tepper has an approach he calls “inoculation against rejection.”

To build a solid relationship with an ablebodied person, these reasonable questions need to be addressed. Tackling these questions is not just for the other person’s benefit; you want to know what you’re getting into and whether your commitment to the relationship is based on reality.

An ablebodied woman in her 30s, asked if she imagined a disabled partner would be necessarily dependent on her, says:

She has reasonable questions, knows her needs and desires, but realizes that she can’t know until faced with the actual situation. It is exactly this opening that creates the opportunity for two people who are interested and attracted to explore how their relationship might work out. She might be surprised to find that there are plenty of hiking possibilities they can share, and that she might be the one who has to keep up with her disabled partner! Perhaps she might even find that hiking becomes less important in exchange for a loyal and loving partner who enhances her life in many other yet undiscovered ways.

Finding a comfort level around how much help an ablebodied partner will provide in day-to-day life is an important question you will face. Given the greater degree of accessibility in the world today, and the availability of adaptive devices and technologies, couples can have less to work out than they might think.

Often, a person with a mobility disability will imagine more reluctance on the part of an ablebodied partner than the partner actually feels. This ablebodied single woman in her 40s says:

I can imagine disabilities that would be an impediment, and others that would not. I suspect the difference would come into play at the point of attraction, not at the point of “choice to be sexual,” though. For instance, I had no problem imagining myself in Jane Fonda’s place with Jon Voight (in the film
Coming Home).
Once (hell, he’s Jon Voight!), I imagine no insurmountable problems.

Nondisabled partners usually find out that their concerns are unfounded. This woman in her early 40s is in a relationship with a paraplegic man and says:

It is nonetheless important to ask yourself whether you might be trying to reinforce your self-image as a complete person through an involvement with a nondisabled person. It is not unusual to want to reduce your association with the identity of disability in this way. This doesn’t mean that your motives are therefore suspect or tainted. A certain satisfaction can come in strengthening our connection to the broader world through a healthy relationship with an ablebodied partner. It is simply important to be aware of the degree to which you might be motivated by this issue and whether it may be distracting you from focusing on the characteristics that constitute a healthy relationship—love, trust, commitment, and shared values.

There are people in the world, you should understand, who are stimulated by a person with a disability. You might be repelled by the thought of this as something that is unhealthy.

Everyone has something that they find more compelling about someone to whom they are attracted. Someone attracted to women might be drawn to breasts or curviness or long hair; those drawn to men might like someone muscular or with a deep voice. Anyone might like a shapely bottom or be drawn to eyes. How much different is it for someone to be drawn to a disability feature?

Consider that the issue is actually about honesty. Some of these people—and it’s well-advised to take care around this—will not be open about their motives or could be more inclined to want to keep you playing a certain role, possibly a submissive one. Any relationship—short or long term— needs to be based on honesty and mutual respect for each other’s preferences. If these are present, then honestly ask yourself what is actually healthy or not? As this paralyzed woman says:

A couple in which both partners have a disability is a mixed blessing. It might be easier to find a partner who also has a disability, whether through disability-specializing dating services, involvement in the local disability scene or Center for Independent Living, or getting to know someone on the Internet. You might imagine that another person with a disability will be more of a kindred spirit or that you won’t have to take time to explain ways that your disability impacts your life.

Such an alliance can make for a uniquely powerful intimate connection, both of you having faced the particular questions or tears surrounding sexuality in the context of your respective disabilities. They can be more sensitive to the necessary changes of a redefined sexual style, free of performance pressure and focused on the simple enjoyment and real erotic potential of touching, kissing, and the many sensual options that remain.

There are many couples with disabilities in successful relationships. But, in public, a disabled couple might not be seen in intimate terms, as this married couple found.

But, just as an ablebodied partner might be cautious, this can be just as true for another person with a disability. After all, they have their own stuff to deal with. Why would they want to take on more? Sharing the fact of having a disability can mean camaraderie and increased intimacy, or it can be an increased burden.

It goes both ways for Cindy McCoy, writing in
New Mobility
magazine. Now in her 40s, she has had multiple sclerosis since the age of 21. McCoy is now in her third marriage, this time to a man with cerebral palsy. She writes:

Relationships are always relationships, no matter who is involved. They can succeed or fail. It always begins with one question. Do you love each other? And then a few others. Do you communicate well? Do you have complimentary skills that you can combine to create a home and manage your day-to-day affairs? Can you build a shared social community and be confident in the individual friendships each of you should have? Are you willing to work on yourself at the same time that you are committed to working on your partnership? No matter how many disabilities there are in a relationship, those are the questions that matter.

Since it is can be difficult to find a partner, being with a “sex worker” might help address the need for sensual experience. Some have explored the use of prostitutes, such as this 26-year-old paraplegic man quoted in
Enabling Romance
:

The book relates that he ultimately found a steady lover.

Mitch Tepper notes that there are risks in interacting with a prostitute. At the worst, it is possible to acquire a sexually transmitted disease such as HIV from a person who has that much sexual contact with many different people. There have also been cases of a sex worker luring people into situations in which the people can be robbed. A prostitute—despite the experience noted above—is also unlikely to be sensitive to the emotional aspects of your disability experience. They might be insensitive about issues such as ability to attain or maintain an erection, scars, scoliosis, or spasms.

Some have pursued more formalized experiences using professional surrogate partners in association with sex therapists. Mitch Tepper explains:

These possibilities are mentioned here only as options that some disabled people have explored.

Masturbation can play an important role in your discovery of a new sexual identity as a person with a disability. It might be easier than starting with a partner, no matter how recent or longterm your disability might be. The emotional demands of being with a partner at this time can be overwhelming. This is not to say that the right partner couldn’t share the process of exploring your sexuality with you in an atmosphere of deep and giving acceptance. Especially if you have a recent disability and are without a partner, self-stimulation is an option that can help you find your sexual identity, preparing you to ultimately find a partner, if that is your desire.