Life on the Level (28 page)

“We’ll deny it. There’s no proof.”

“River, think this through.”

“I’d personally like to see the person that’s got our River Thomas so spun.”

“I’m not spun.”

“You’re
totally
spun.” Leti grins and pokes my ribs. “Speak of the devil,” I say.

Hutch steps into the courtyard, followed by Helen and a few parents. I can’t hide the smile that Hutch brings to my lips, and neither can he. Helen stops by first. She shakes hands with Leti and Sky.

“So you complete the trio I’ve heard about.”

“You have no idea,” Leti tells her.

Helen makes her way further down and does her shaking hands and kissing babies thing. Meanwhile, my heart flutters when Hutch approaches us. Leti and Sky giggle, and make fun of me.

“Would you look at her face,” Leti says. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile at a guy like that.”

“I don’t think she’s smiled at anyone before.”

“I take great umbrage to that.”

“How big is his penis?” Leti asks.

We collapse into a fit of laughter the second Hutch reaches us.

“Are the New Yorkers causing trouble already?” he asks.

I love his voice. I love the rich, deep brown of his eyes. I love the way he smiles at my friends. The way he looks at me.

“Why does everyone think we’re trouble?” Leti asks. “We’ve been here for an hour. Not even.”

Hutch shakes Leti and Sky’s hands. I don’t know where to put my hands, so I alternate between smoothing the material of my dress and picking at the dirt under my nails.

“I can usually spot trouble when it walks through my door,” he says, and I have the feeling he’s talking about me.

“Thank you for all you’re doing for our girl,” Sky tells him. “I hear she’s been in good hands. Though I’m concerned about her doing all this outdoors stuff. What’s the score now? River: 0, Nature: 3?”

“Funny,” I mumble, but really I do love them joking at my expense. Just this once.

“She’s getting better,” Hutch says. “You should’ve seen her the first week she was here. She wouldn’t even come out of her room. Now she’s volunteering to go on nature trails.”

“Are we talking about the same River Thomas?” Sky asks.

“The one and only.” He says that so adamantly, so matter-of-factly, that even Leti gasps a little.

“So, hey,” Leti says. “What are you?”

Hutch looks startled, but laughs.

“I’m just saying,” Leti says. “I get asked that question all the time and I’m like, I’m a queen, baby. Really I’m Ecuadorian. But I feel like I need to know the mix that created all of this. Because I might have to go try to replicate that. Also, do you have any hot brothers who like curvy girls?”

“Leti
,” Sky and I hiss at the same time.

Hutch takes a seat on the lawn chair beside me. I can feel his warmth instantly. He looks at me with those coffee brown eyes.
Mmm, way better than caffeine.
Never thought I’d say that.

“It’s a little complicated,” he says.

Leti bats her long black lashes, that star on her tooth winking with feigned innocence. “We
love
complicated.”

“You don’t have to answer her, Mr. Hutcherson.”

“It’s just Hutch. I’m a mutt, I guess,” Hutch says. “My dad’s side is British, Irish, and I have a Blackfoot great-grandmother. My mom’s side is Polish-Italian, and I have one Mexican grandfather. If an ethnic group tried to settle in the Northwestern Territories, they’re probably in my blood. But when people ask me what I am, I usually just tell them ‘I’m dysfunctional.’ Which isn’t entirely untrue.”

“Wow,” Leti says, gazing at him dreamily.

I pinch her arm.

“So let me get this straight,” I tell him. “The entire facility has been hounding you about this for, like, ever. Now these crazies ask you, and you answer them in a heartbeat?”

“Yep.” He sets those eyes and that wicked grin on me. “Well, ladies. It’s been a pleasure. Are you staying in Missoula?”

“We got an airbnb across from the mountain with the M. It’s so lovely.”

“How long are you staying for?” I ask.

“Just the weekend. I have to get back to work before my manager stops liking me after all the time I’ve taken off.”

“I’ll leave you guys to it.” This time he hugs them, and he jumps a little because I’m pretty sure Leti pinched his ass.

“Wow,” Leti says.

“I love him for you,” Sky says. “He’s the perfect balance.”

All I can do is grin like fool. I take them to the stables, where they pet Apollo and the others. They meet Jillian, and Jillian is so happy to have someone to speak Spanish with that I think she might cry. They meet Ransom and Simmons. Nurse Jean and Sky talk shop. We’re probably the loudest people in the entire place, but I don’t care. I haven’t felt this unflinchingly happy in so long. They stay the longest of any family. We play Candyland with Vilma’s girls in the game room. Jermania is fascinated with Leti’s life of traveling and freedom. Julie is in love with Sky’s outfit. They’re exotic in a New York kind of way, in a world where everyone dresses for comfort. I try to get Maddie to come hang out with us, but she banishes herself to her room.

“Are you going to come tomorrow?” I ask them, seeing them off to their car.

“Of course,” Sky tells me.

We hug so hard and long that I’m afraid we’re going to need a crowbar to pull ourselves apart. I stand in the driveway until their car is a tiny dot on the road. I’m sad to see them go, but at least they get to see that I’m okay. Better than okay, I think. I’m happy.

Walking back into HCRC, I feel like I’m on clouds. I’m so sure I’m on the right path, and now Leti and Sky have seen it. I change into pajamas. Everyone is going to gather in the media room for a movie, though there’s some contention about whether we’ll be watching Men in Black or Pitch Perfect. On my way to the media room, I decide to go check on Maddie.

I know we aren’t the best of friends. I never go out of my way to befriend someone, and maybe that’s been one of my problems in getting close to people in the past. She’s just as lost as I am, and needs to know she has more options than Taylor. Taylor, who made himself scarce from all the family activities.

When I go to knock on Maddie’s door, it’s already cracked open, but the shower is running.

I take one step into the bathroom. The floor is wet, and I slip. I hit my head so hard the room rattles.

“Maddie, what the hell? Use a floor mat.”

But the wet stuff isn’t water. It’s a pool of blood, with Maddie unconscious in the center of it.

“Even in my darkest moment, I never tried to hurt myself. That doesn’t make me better than the people who do. That just makes me a different kind of lucky. I remember days where I would lie in my bed and think about it, but I’d chicken out because I don’t like pain, or I was afraid I might go too far. I remember the sadness, but even in that sadness I never wanted to die.”

Ransom looks at me with sad eyes. We’ve all been forced into special counseling sessions. Especially me, because I’m the one who found Maddie. I’m afraid of my own weakness.

I close my eyes and picture Maddie. Her eyes were half open and she was still crying. Her tears mixed into her blood, steam settling around her.

“River—I’m sorry,” she said.

“I don’t get why she apologized to me,” I say. “I mean, why was she sorry that she cut open her veins and let herself lie there? If anything we’re the ones who should be sorry. I didn’t try hard enough. I was too busy being happy. But that’s when things go to shit, right? The
second
you get a little too happy is when God or the universe or whatever six-headed monster is driving this thing—that’s when it decides to shit on you or the people around you.”

I stand and pace the room. I pick up the football on his desk and throw it from hand to hand. I see blood and tears and Maddie’s sad eyes. They took her away and she barely had a pulse. It was like she was empty, the life all but tapped out of her.

“Helen says Maddie’s alive,” Ransom says, “but her parents came to take her back to Seattle.”

“Where were her parents when she was sitting in the cafeteria waiting for them?”

He doesn’t have an answer.

“I get it,” I say. “It’s not other people’s jobs to fix us. We have to want to save ourselves. But what if you think that you’re alone? What’s the difference between this dark and dying? I just don’t know.”

“River, I don’t want you to think that you are in any way responsible.”

“Why? Because I was nasty to her the first day I met her? I mean, I knew she was sad. I saw it.”

“You said you tried to get her to join you yesterday.”

“Yeah, but was it enough? You can’t baby people, but then you can’t leave them alone, either. It’s too hard, you know? Is it my fault that I didn’t try hard enough? Maybe.”

“River, we all have monsters in our closets. No matter how much help we get, it’s still up to the individual to want to battle that monster.”

“We’re just battling ourselves,” I tell him. “This place, outside of here. No matter where we go, we’re the monsters and the thing fighting the monster at the same time. What do we say when things are bad?
It’s meant to be.
What do we say when we’re seconds away from making a change?
You can’t change the past.
What do we say when things get worse?
Life isn’t fair
. What do you say when someone is struggling?
You have to want to help yourself first.

“I mean, what’s the point if the answers aren’t really answers, just things meant to make us feel better?”

After that we’re quiet for a long, long time.

• • •

I spend the rest of the day with Leti and Sky. I didn’t want them to see that side of this place, but they don’t complain. We walk across the hills. We watch the horses gallop freely and the cows graze. They cheer me up by talking about New York. About Uncle Pepe, Tony, and the family.

“You’re out of here at the end of November,” Leti says. “Have you thought about what you’re going to do after that?”

A strangled laugh leaves my lips. “Do I ever know what I’m doing?”

Sky brushes my hair away from my face. It’s cold out, and we huddle together around the courtyard fire pit. I breathe in the cold mountain air.

“Where do you want to be?” Sky asks me.

“I wish I could be in two places at once. I mean, I miss the city. I miss the lights, and the Lower East Side. I miss my queen-sized bed, and lattes as big as my face. I miss you and Leti. I miss the smell of the beach. One of my favorite sights is the New York skyline after being away, and you’re flying in or driving and it’s just there—bright and epic and unforgettable.

“But I wonder if I’m strong enough to stay clean if I’m back there. But if I don’t at least
try,
I might regret it. What if I can’t do it?”

“You know you’ll always have Leti and me no matter where you are.”

“I know. Then there’s…
him
. Sometimes I wonder if the reason this thing is so strong is because it’s forbidden. Like we’re just getting off on the idea that we’re doing something wrong. And when it’s over, what happens then? We’re just a normal couple?”

“Don’t go there, River,” Sky tells me. “You can lose yourself in trying to figure out what it means. You’re going to make yourself crazy. Remember when I was trying to justify my attraction to Hayden? I have never seen you look at someone the way you look at Hutch. And I don’t know him, but I think I’m a pretty good judge of character. That man loves you.”

“You’re a
terrible
judge of character,” Leti tells her. “But I agree. I’m surprised you’ve been able to keep it quiet for so long.”

The three of us knock on wood.

“Do you want to stay here?” Leti asks.

“In Montana?” I look into the faces of the two people I can’t lie to, even when I lie to myself. “I’ve never felt as free as I have since I’ve been here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fun. But while I’m here, while I’m with him, I feel like I can have more.”

“And if it doesn’t work out, you can always come home,” Leti tells me. “We’ll be there with open arms.”

The rest of October flies by without incident. Maddie’s absence is sad, but like many things, it fades. I start to notice that people leave the facility every day. So far, only two have come back after falling immediately off the wagon. What’ll it be like when I leave here in a month? Will anyone miss me? Is it like high school, where everyone promises to keep in touch, but after a long summer we’re just fading memories? I know that I for one will want to remember the time I’ve spent here.

Helen says the Halloween party is still on. The staff hopes to bring back much-needed joy to the patients. Candy and dressing up like someone you’re not is apparently a cure for all ills.

Hutch and I spend more time apart, which is a good thing I guess. He’s busy with trauma counseling, and more new patients than I’ve ever seen before. When he visits me at night, he looks tired, like his soul is weary. So I just kiss him, and try to take his pain into myself. My least favorite time of day is morning, because he’s always gone back across the hall. It gets worse every time. It’s like waking up with a part of me missing.

• • •

Two days before the Halloween party, Julie decides she wants to be friends again.

“Hey River,” she says.

I’m trying to carve pumpkins with safety scissors, which proves a challenge. At this rate, I should hire a local kindergarten class to decorate—they’d probably do a better job than us.

“What’s up?” I say. I don’t mean to be cold, but ever since the camping trip I’ve been keeping my distance.

She pulls strands of hair out of her messy bun and twirls them around her finger. “I just—I just wanted to see if you needed help.”

“I think we’ve got it under control,” I say. She looks disappointed. I push away my pride. Maybe it’s because of what happened to Maddie, but I say, “But if you want, I think Nick could use some help hanging the ghosts.”

That makes her smile, and I realize I was being petty.

By the end of the day, the room has improved to looking like a fourth-grade class’s Halloween party, which is fine with me. There’s enough glitter and papier-mâché to give the illusion we’re not in a rehab center. Everyone leaves for dinner except Julie, who begs me for help with her Halloween costume again. I don’t know when I turned into a bleeding heart, but I concede, and she runs off to get the thrift store bin.