Life on the Level (27 page)

“Is it too cold?” he asks.

“I think you can find ways to warm me up.”

There’s a deep rumble in his throat. I feel his cock harden against my leg. I unsnap his belt buckle, and undo his pants in a frenzy. I hold him in my hands, and guide him inside me. I gasp at the shock of him. He takes his time, pushing himself inch by inch.

“God, River…” he moans in my ear. His tongue licks delicious, undulating lines down my neck.

I push myself up, forcing him to fill me all the way. When I cry out, night birds take flight, and animals scurry away. I push him away and onto his back. I grab his hard shaft and drag my tongue from stem to tip, licking circles all around the head. He runs his fingers through my hair and tugs. I shiver, and take him into my mouth. I can taste the salty bubbles of excitement as he gets harder and harder. He moans. Maybe it’s my name. Maybe he’s telling me he loves me. Maybe he’s shouting for help from God himself. I take great pleasure in making him feel like this.

“River, I’m close.”

I just look up at him. His dark eyes are dazed, and he leans his head back, thrusting himself up. He fills my mouth. I grab his shaft and move my hand up and down until he’s given me all he’s got. I sit up and run a hand across my hard, pert nipples. He reaches for me, and I climb on top of him willingly. His eyes go wide when I swallow and lick my lips.

“You are so fucking perfect.”

I laugh and rest my head on his shoulder. He grabs my ass with one hand, and uses the other one to play with my hair. “I know.”

“River,” he says. It sounds cautionary. I look at him with a little bit of worry. Was that too dirty for him? I feel like he should know what he’s getting into. Not that he seemed to mind a moment ago. “Will you let me be your boyfriend?”

I sigh. It’s a happy sigh, a dreamy sigh.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

It’s a no-brainer really. The bad thoughts come back. The last boyfriend I had hurt me. Not just because we didn’t love each other, but because he wasn’t good. Even people that do claim to love each other end up in ruins. My dad was never the same after my mom. But that doesn’t mean that I’m my parents. I’m River Thomas, and I’m in love with this man. I don’t know what I’m doing, but isn’t that part of what makes me me? Diving into the world with open arms. Maybe he can be my parachute. My anchor. Maybe…

I find his mouth and answer him with a long, deep kiss.

After a little while of listening to the sounds of the night, I say, “That was a yes, by the way.”

He just holds me close, and chuckles. “I know.”

River Anne Thomas has a boyfriend.

As I walk down the halls of HCRC, I repeat this over and over again. My kickboxing class is excellent, though Nerd Boy Nick isn’t there. Ransom tells me I look different. And, because he’s a man, he stutters, “Uh, good different. Not bad different.”

“Just. Stop,” I tell him, and smile.

I actually punctuate everything with a smile.

“Hey Helen (smile). Good morning (smile).”

She shakes her head and busies herself with a stack of paperwork. A couple of people are stringing glittery bats all over the walls. I helped draw a face on a giant pumpkin (we aren’t allowed to carve), but it looks more smiling than sinister. I even smile at Debbie as Taylor walks her out of the building with her bags.

“Don’t come back, Debbie (smile). I mean that in the best way (smile)!”

“If you ever see me ‘round here again, do me a favor,” she says, walking backwards into the crisp, fall air. “Shoot me.”

“Will do (smile).”

“Are you that excited about family day?” Vilma asks me during breakfast. She’s done up. Her hair is in a bun and she’s wearing makeup. She’s wearing clothes that are not pajamas for the first time since I met her. Before, I couldn’t really picture her as a mom, but now I can. She drums her fingers nervously on the table.

That puts the brakes on my smile punctuation marks. “Family day?”

“Why do you think everyone’s dressing up?”

I blink a few times, and realize Julie is wearing a dress. Her hair is combed away from her face. She gives me a tight-lipped smile that I can’t return. Pete and Randy are in something better suited for Sunday Mass, or the country club. They sit down at our table.

Vilma points a thumb at me. “This one didn’t know it was family day.”

Pete looks at me with sympathy. “You can still change. No one gets here until around eleven.”

“It’s not that,” I say. “I don’t have anyone coming. I forgot about it. My friends travel a lot.”

“You can have an awkward time with me and my folks,” Randy says. “I might’ve told them I have a serious girlfriend while I was here. And she might fit your description.”

Girlfriend. That’s right! I, River Anne Thomas, am someone’s girlfriend!

“Sorry, Randy,” I tell him. “I think your mom would have a heart attack if you brought a girl like me home.”

“That’s the point,” he says.

Vilma slaps the back of his head, and Pete asks him to behave for once. There’s something different between the two of them. I would bet anything that there was something there, except I’m not really taking bets right now. The last couple I’ve taken have been way, way off. It’s probably for the best.

“You can sit at the loser table,” Randy tells me. “Apparently that’s where everyone who doesn’t have a visitor sits.”

“You’re a dick (smile).”

He shrugs, and bites down on an apple like he’s taking a bite out of the center of the earth.

• • •

Relegated to the “loser table,” I decide to put on the only dress that I own. It’s long-sleeved and heather gray, and I might’ve stolen it from Sky’s closet last fall. I top it off with my chunky black boots, trade Greta at the front door a pack of cigarettes for a lipstick the color of a bloody heart, and I’m done. I walk down the hall, the parents and family members looking at me with disapproving stares.

Randy barks in my direction. His mother, an ivory-sweater-and-pearls kind of lady, purses her lips at both of us. I wink at him, then keep walking. Nerd Boy Nick drops his paper cup of water. His older brother leers at my ass.

Then there are the families that are too happy being reunited to pay attention to me. My heart squeezes at the sight of Vilma’s two little daughters racing down the hall. Vilma looks frozen, like she might not be able to get through the day. Then she opens her arms and lifts both of them into a hug.

I take a deep breath and head for the loser table. It feels weird, sitting with others and intruding on what should be private moments. Pete is in a somber conversation with an older lady. She’s holding a handkerchief to her nose and crying.

“You too?” Jermania asks me. She holds her head up with her fists.

Maddie is scribbling in a notebook with her head on the table. I go to take the seat next to her, but there’s a bowl of Jell-O there.

“She doesn’t want anyone sitting next to her,” Jermania says.

“Okay.” I take the seat on the other side of the circle table. There are a few people here that I’ve never spoken to before. They don’t seem as pissed as Maddie.

“Maddie,” I say. She won’t look up at me. “Maddie.”

She slams her head down into her arms. Her whole body shudders as she tries to sob quietly. Jermania puts a hand on my arm and shakes her head.

“We tried. She’s not responding. I got Scrabble. Maybe she can make words instead of speak them.”

“Highest word score buys a round,” a big redhead says.

“A round of what?” I ask.

“I don’t know. Chocolate?”

“I’m game.”

I’m getting ready to settle in when I hear someone shout, “River Thomas, I’ve been looking for that dress for a
year
!”

I jump out of my seat. Heads swivel toward the entrance of the cafeteria, where Sky Lopez and Leti Delgado stand. I don’t even realize I’m crying until I start running toward them with wide-open arms. We fall into a giant, screaming girl-hug. I don’t even care that people in Eastern Montana can probably hear us.

“Aww,
nena
,” Leti says. “Don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying. I woke up with dry eyes.” I lead them out of the cafeteria and into the courtyard where the fire pit is lit. We pull three chairs as close to the fire as we can without getting burned. I sit in the middle and squeeze both of their hands.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” I ask.

Sky brushes my hair away from my face. She’s always been the most motherly out of the three of us. Her long dark hair is pulled into a sleek ponytail. She’s decked out like it’s the middle of winter in New York. She hates the cold.

“We wanted it to be a surprise, duh,” Leti says. Her cheeks are rosy. The star on her tooth twinkles in the firelight. Her hair’s gotten long, and there are streaks of blond at the end. Then she leans in. “Where is he?”

“Soon, my pretties,” I say, drumming my fingers together conspiratorially. “Tell me. Tell me all the news and all the things. I don’t even go on the computer anymore.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been shitty about getting back to you. I didn’t get a SIM card in Prague. And then I dropped my phone off the side of a boat in Ireland.”

I make a face and hold a finger in her face. “Do you hear yourself right now?”

“I know, right? She’s traveling the world with her sexy man, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for her?”

“What happened to your guy?” I ask Leti.

“We had fun. It kind of fizzled when we were in Italy.”

“I hate both of you.”

Sky smirks. “Though I’m sure you’ve been keeping yourself pretty busy. I got your letter in the mail and got nervous when you told me what was happening. Spill. You’ve been keeping something from us for far too long.”

I lean back, staring at the fire. Here are the two people I have to be honest with, even if I can’t be honest with myself. I never told them about Kiernan and how bad it got. But now I do. I watch their faces go from disapproving to angry, to shocked, to horrified, then back to disapproving.

“I was embarrassed,” I tell them. “I’d never let someone treat me like that before. I didn’t even realize it was happening because I was so messed up over my dad. After he threw me through that glass, and I cut his face… I knew he’d come after me. My godfather told me not to worry, that he’d take care of it. But when Kiernan started coming up again, I didn’t know what to do. I feel pretty safe here.”

“Despite the barn action,” Sky mutters.

“I’ll get to that later,” I tell them. “I’m clean. I’m the cleanest I’ve been since I was twelve.”

“Damn, we were bad,” Leti says. “Remember when we would take your dad’s vodka, drink all of it, then replace it with water?”

I laugh so hard it hurts. “I forgot about that. He never said anything. Just replaced the bottles because he thought he’d drunk them and forgotten.”

“Remember that Halloween we cut school and stayed in my family’s new house?” Sky says. “Only we hadn’t moved in yet, so the heat wasn’t on, and we froze our asses off for hours?”

“How come I turned out bad and you guys did okay?” I ask them.

“Don’t say that.”

I shrug. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking about it lately. That’s all I do, talk and think and then talk to other people.”

“You do more stuff,” Leti says with a naughty wink.

“I almost drowned while camping. I fell of my horse. I’ve gotten better though. Look at my guns, bro.” I fold my arm so they can feel my baby bicep.

“Damn,” Leti says. “Are there any other hot guys here? I might just commit myself.”

“It’s not a
psych
ward,” Sky says, giving her cousin a long look that says,
behave
.

“You have no idea how much I missed you guys.” I squeeze their hands tighter. They’re like my lifelines in this great big, crazy world. “I wanted to tell you both that I’m really sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

“Oh, River, you don’t have to,” Sky says.

I shake my head. “I do. You guys have always been there for me. You always put up with my messiness, even though it’s gotten worse in the last year.”

Leti runs a hand over my head. “We’re sisters. No matter what you do. No matter
what
.”

“In the beginning, I didn’t think I belonged here. I thought that I wasn’t like the rest of the people here. But I think we have one thing in common. We’re all lost. Some in more ways than others. I lost my way and then I stopped recognizing myself. Even if I don’t have a hardcore heroin dependency, I was still harming myself. Being the least addicted of all the addicts doesn’t make me less of an addict.”

“You are being careful,” Sky says. “Aren’t you?”

“Like with sex or—”

“Both!” Sky says. “Do I have to lecture you about safe sex the way I do to pregnant teenagers?”

I shush her, but can’t help but laugh. “Chill, Sky.”

“Yeah, chill Sky,” Leti says.

“I mean the other thing. I don’t want you to get involved in something that might be out of your league. You’re not back home. You don’t have your godfather there to send a bunch of goons after someone who messes with you. You don’t have an army of bouncers to scare off some lowlife not playing by the rules.”

“This is like the Wild West,” Leti says, more excited than she should be.

“I know I’m not back in New York.” I don’t know why I don’t call it home. Home is Leti and Sky. Home is my dad. Home is Hutch. How can my home be so scattered and still feel so tangible? “But I can’t just turn my back on what I’ve seen.”

I tell them about Taylor and his threat to Hutch and me. How I went to the barn. How I hid the pill in my things.

“I think if I have enough evidence against him,” I say, “I can go to Helen and tell her everything and she’ll have to believe me.”

“Why wouldn’t she believe you now?”

“Who would you believe? An addict with a penchant for getting herself in trouble, or the hand who’s been working beside you for years? Besides, this is Hutch’s life. I can’t just go in River-style and wreck everything the way I always do. I think this is the only way we can come up winners.”

Sky takes in the mountains, the trees, and the facility behind us. Then she looks at me with concern. “What if you do everything right. What if you get your evidence and expose this creep. What’s to stop him from ratting
you
guys out?”