Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (12 page)

Unaware, I was sucking on his neck vigorously, when one hand moved to my front, still inside my shorts.  When he touched me, I gasped at the delight I felt, that was both foreign and erotic all at once.  His fingers slipped into my folds.

“Cassidy, baby.” 

I stilled at his words and looked to his eyes as he continued to massage me.  I didn’t think he could get me there so quickly.  He knew what was happening and brought my mouth down to his as he continued and didn’t stop until I was limp against him.

Paul set me
back down on my feet, but I hung on a little longer than I should have.  I hadn’t seen him in almost ten years.  The hug.  It was
our
hug.  What was he doing there?  What was happening to me?  What was
wrong
with me?  I pulled away and smiled at him.

“It’s been too long, Cassidy.”

“Yes, it has.”  I took a deep breath, “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”

“Sure.  I’m not going anywhere.”  That’s what I was afraid of. 

I ran to Cal’s bathroom and began hyperventilating at the memories of Paul and me from that summer.    James.  JAMES!  I wanted to scream.  My head began to spin.  I threw on the cold water and splashed my face.  This was going to be a disaster if James showed up and Paul was still here and he figured out who Paul was.  How would I keep that hidden?  I jumped as a knock came on the door.

“Cass, you ok.”  It was Calvin.

“Yup, I’ll be out it a second.”  Why the hell hadn’t Cal told me Paul was back?  I swung the door open and said, “Hey.”  He turned around and looked at me and came closer.  I threw my arms up and mouthed, ‘WHAT THE FUCK?’

He mouthed back to me, ‘What?’  I rolled my eyes at him and pulled him into the bathroom with me.

“You’re lucky I’m not smacking you right now.  How long has Paul been in town and why didn’t you warn me?”

“Warn you?  You and Paul are ancient history.  You’re with James.”  I didn’t know what to say.  He was right, wasn’t he?  “He’s here on business.  Cool your jets.  I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Well, a little heads up next time might be nice.  A girl needs a minute—or a hundred—to prepare for seeing the guy she lost her virginity to.”

He gave me a disgusted look and said, “Dammit Cass, I don’t want to know that.”  He covered his ears then dropped them.  “That fucker. 
I
knew
it
. 
I’ll kill him.”

I started laughing.  “Really?  Like you didn’t know.  It’s ancient history.  Remember?” 

He scrunched up his face and groaned, pulling me out of the bathroom.  “Come on.  I’m starving.”

While
Cal and I were in the bathroom Jessica had apparently left, but Lena and Anthony had arrived. 
Thank God!
  I tried sticking close to Lena, though she couldn’t keep her eyes off Paul, and neither could Anthony.  It was amusing to watch.  And let’s be honest.  I couldn’t take my eyes off him either.

Lena whispered in my ear, “Is he single?”

“Umm, I don’t know.  Ask him.”  My eyes drifted to his hands and I saw no ring there.

She elbowed me, “I can’t ask him. 
You
ask him!”

“O. M. G., Lena.  I can’t ask him either.  We have history.”

She looked to me with her eyes wide.  “What?!  Do tell.”

“Now’s not the time.”

Anthony popped his head over our shoulders, which were side by side, and asked, “What are you two ogling?  Or should I ask who?”  Lena pointed and Anthony agreed.  “That boy is fine, if you like all the ink and piercings.” 

We all stared and admired Paul for a moment.  “I wonder what else he has pierced.”  I about spit my drink out of my mouth as I started laughing at Lena’s comment.

“Mmhmm.  You think he’d tell me?”  Anthony was tapping his finger on his pursed lips as he scanned Paul’s body.  “James have any piercings we don’t know about?”

“NO.  Knock it off.”

Jane walked over then and questioned us.  “What’s so funny?  What are you chatting about?”

Lena looked to her and with a little too much enthusiasm
replied, “Piercings!  Got any?  Does Cal?”

Jane looked a little surprised as she responded, “Um, no.” 

She then followed our eyes and saw that we were all devouring Paul with our eyes.  He was talking to Cal and Frank and like they felt our eyes on them, Cal and Paul looked to us.  Paul winked, at me, Lena, or Jane, I wasn’t sure who.  Frank then said his goodbyes.

“What are you four up to?”  Cal started walking toward us as his question rang through the air.  “I know these three and nothing good comes from them conspiring together.  Don’t let them pull you in Jane.”

“We were discussing piercings.”  I elbowed Anthony and gave him a dirty look.  “What, where, gauge size and on whom.”  He pointed his finger at Paul and Calvin and then Paul walked over.

“What about piercings and gauges?

“Oh, my God.  Knock it off you guys.”  I was blushing and knew it. 

“Cassidy, just ask and you shall receive.”  I looked to Paul in disbelief as he smirked at me. 

How much had he overheard? 
“I didn’t ask.  It was these two troublemakers.” 

“If I ask, will I receive too?”  Anthony was a terrible flirt and it’s why I loved him so.

“Well that depends on if you’ll keep my secrets.” 

“Don’t egg him on Paul.  You’ll regret it.”  Calvin was laughing at his own comment as he pulled Jane to the couch.

“It’s all good.”

“Are you single?”  Anthony was getting right to the point.

Paul looked to me as he said, “Free as a bird.”  Why was he directing that toward me?

A little while later I was checking my phone.  Nothing.  It was late and he never showed.  Cal was dozing off on the couch and Lena and Anthony
had already made their exit.  It was just the four of us and that made me slightly uncomfortable.  I started cleaning the mess in the kitchen, deciding I would go home after. 

“Can I help?”

“It’s ok.  I can manage.”

“I know you can, but I’d like to help.” 

Paul grabbed the remainder of the dishes on the table and brought them to the sink.  We wrapped up what could be saved and tossed the rest.  When I looked back to the living room I saw that Jane and Cal were gone. 
Danger, danger. 
I had to get out of there.

“Thanks for the help, Paul.  I really should get going.”  I grabbed my coat and purse and fled toward the door without even saying goodbye.

“Hang on.  I’ll walk you out.”

No, that was asking for trouble. 
I was sure Smith or Ryan were parked outside and watching my every move.  When I got to my car, I spotted the SUV parked behind me and looked back to the house as Paul closed the door and came out.

“Looks like I picked the right car to park behind.  You
aren’t going anywhere.”  He smirked as he walked closer.

Standing with my back to
my car, he closed the distance between us.  He was close, but not too close to make me entirely uncomfortable.  Okay, maybe I was a little uncomfortable.  The wind was blowing and it was frigid out.  I didn’t remember it ever being so cold.

“You should start her up and let her run for a few.  It’s awfully cold out.”

I did as he suggested, knowing he was right.  It took a second, but she started up just fine.  I got back out of the car, unsure what to say to Paul.  What did one say given the situation?  I had a million questions I could ask him, but what was the point in rummaging through our history. 

“You doing okay?”  His question caught me off guard.

“Yea, I’m fine.  Why?”

“I
t’s been a rough couple weeks.  You seem on edge.  You want to talk about it?”

I felt a little defensive, but it was also nice having someone ask me how I was doing.  I’d been keeping a lot of emotions in and needed someone to talk to.
No one knew that James and I weren’t speaking.  Though, I didn’t think Paul was the person I should be divulging my issues to. 

“It was really scary.  We almost lost him.”  As I said the words the
feelings surfaced and I felt my chin trembling.

“Hey, it’s okay.  He’s going to be fine.”  He pulled me into his arms as I
buried my face in my hands as he rubbed my back.  “Maybe I should take you home.”

I
dragged myself away from him and out of his arms.  I hated being so emotional.  This wasn’t me.  Was it?  “No, I’ll be fine.  I just have a lot going on.” 

He tilted his head at me and crossed his arms.  “Okay, if you say so.  If you ever want to talk you can just call.”  He motioned for my phone.  “I’ll give you my number.”

“Um, okay.”  I pulled my phone out of my purse and pulled up my contacts.  “I can do it.  What’s your number?”  He snatched my phone out of my hands as I tried to grab it back.  “Hey!”  He punched in his number and kept pressing the screen.  “What are you doing?  Give it back.” 

I heard another phone start ringing when he said, “Now I have yours too.”  He had the gall to wink at me when he gave me my phone back and pulled out his.  “You should get going.  You’ll freeze.”

My phone started vibrating, the ringtone filling the air and I looked at the screen.  “Shit.”  I hit ignore, but Paul heard the song before I could stop it and smirked at me.  I couldn’t’ talk to James at that moment.  It was almost midnight and I wasn’t interested in his excuses about why he hadn’t showed.

“That’s quite the ringtone.  Friend of yours?”  I groaned, not knowing what to say.  “So, more than a friend.”

“You could say that.  It’s complicated.”

“Of course it is.
”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t expect you to be single, but a guy can hope.”  I just stared at him.  What had I gotten myself into?  I didn’t know what to say to him.  “Just remember one thing.  You deserve the best.  I hope he’s giving you that.”

My phone started ringing again. 
“You’re sweet.  Like I said, it’s complicated.”  I hit ignore for the second time.

“Maybe it shouldn’t be.”  I went to speak and he stopped me.  Pushing some hair back from my face he said, “It’s none of my business, but I’m here if you need someone to talk to.  I’m not going anywhere and I’ll always be there if you need me.  All you have to do is call.”
 

He opened my door and
I got in and buckled up.  He closed the door and waved.  I watched from my rearview mirror as he got into his vehicle and pulled out from behind my car and drove away.  My phone chimed, alerting me to a text message.

Anytime…Paul

Then my phone started ringing again.  Apparently James wasn’t going to give up.  Picking up the phone, I practically yelled at him, “You better have a good reason for calling.”

“Cassidy
…”

“What?”

“It’s my mom.  She’s in the hospital.  It’s bad.  Can you, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay.  I’m still at Cal’s.  Do you want me to get Jane?
”

“No.  She’s been through enough.  I’ll call her in the morning.
  I need
you.
”

“Okay.  I’m on my way.”  My heart was beating a million miles a minute.  He sounded scared and alone.  I couldn’t deny his request.
If I could help in any way I wanted to.

C
hapter
12
~
D
evoted

~ JAMES ~

I got to the hospital and found Dad.  He told me that they were admitting her.  She was dehydrated and her kidneys weren’t functioning properly.  It was beginning.  I couldn’t handle this, it was too soon.  I didn’t care that we first faced this road over five years ago with her original diagnosis.  I wasn’t ready to let her go.  I never would be.

Standing in the doorway to her room, I gazed at her and Dad.  She was asleep and so was he, holding her hand.  Glancing at the clock I saw that it was after eleven p.m.
  Closing the door to her room, I meandered through the empty halls of the hospital. 

I found myself sitting outside on a bench.  The temperatures were below zero without factoring in the wind-chill, but I ignored it.  Something had to numb the pain. 
Cassidy.  Was I cursed to always let her down?  I pulled up the playlist on my phone and hit play.  Several songs later, Pearl Jam came on.  I immediately added the song to the playlist dedicated to her, my Blackbird. 
Just Breathe
by Pearl Jam
was now on repeat.  It had meaning for Cassidy and for my mother.  I was a fool, an idiot, an imbecile.  I had to call her.

She sent me to voicemail and just to be sure I called her a second time.  Voicemail again.  “Dammit, Cassidy.”  She was just fueling my fire, yet knocking me down at the same time.  I was going to try one more time before I lost my shit.   

“You better have a good reason for calling.”
  She was pissed, rightly so. 

“Cassidy…”

“What?”  And she wasn’t going to make it easy on me.

Best to just come out with it. 
“It’s my mom.  She’s in the hospital.  It’s bad.”  Maybe I was too late.  “Can you, I’m sorry…”  I’d never felt more vulnerable in my life.

“It’s okay.  I’m still at Cal’s.  Do you want me to get Jane?
”

“No.  She’s been through enough.  I’ll call her in the morning.
”  Say it.  Just say it.  “I need
you.
”

“Okay.  I’m on my way.”

The call disconnected and I hit play again on the song as I sat and waited for her.

It took me a moment to realize I must’ve dozed off.  Someone was shaking my arms.  “James, you’re freezing.  You have to get up.” 

I tried to shake the intruder off.  “Let me be.  I’m fine.”

“The hell you are.  Your lips are blue.”  I looked up and realized it was her.  She was yanking on my arms, trying to get me to go back inside.  It was slightly humorous, her trying to lift me.  “Get the fuck up before I call for help.”

I stood up and pulled her to me.  She was so warm it almost hurt to touch her.  “You’re so warm.”

“I’m freezing.  You’re probably hypothermic you stupid ass.”

I let her pull me inside as she started looking for something.  “What are you looking for?”

“You need to warm up.  I’m looking for a coffee machine.”

It was sweet how she was fawning over me.  Everything else pushed aside.  “I’m fine, now that you’re here.”  She stopped in her tracks and turned to face me.

“How’s your mom?”

I couldn’t bear to look at her.  Dropping my head I found an empty bench and dropped my head into my hands.  “It’s starting.”

Feeling her sit next to me, though she kept some space between us, she asked, “What’s starting?”

“The end.  Her kidneys aren’t functioning.  Complete organ failure is next.”

“James.  I’m so sorry.  I’m not sure what to say.  I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”  Hesitantly, she put her hand on my back.  “Is there anything I can do, anything you need?”

“You’re doing it.  You came.”  I lifted my head toward her and met her eyes.  They were rimmed red, like she’d been crying.  Dropping her eyes to the floor, I lifted her chin back up with my hand.  “I’m sorry about last week.”

“I’m sorry too.”  Thank God.  She was going to let it go.  I stood up and pulled her to me again.  “We need to talk.”  She
wasn’t
going to let it go.  “Promise me we’ll talk.  Not now, but soon.”

Sighing, I murmured, “Soon.”

“Do you want to go sit with your mom?”

Shaking my head, I said, “Dad will call if anything changes.  She’s stable for the time being.”

“James, you’re exhausted.  I can take you home if you want.”

“Can I stay with you?”  I saw her debate my request.  “I just want to lay down.  Your place is closer.  I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

“Okay.  If you’re sure.”

“Yes.  Get me out of this hell hole.”

When we got back to her place we were both quiet.  I followed her up the stairs and she went to the bathroom and closed the door.  When she came out she was wearing a tank top and sleep pants.  She would normally change in front of me.  Something had changed between us.  She was feeling insecure and that was my fault. I needed to fix it, but now wasn’t the time.  I grabbed a pillow and a blanket from the closet and headed toward the stairs. 

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch.”

I was one step down as she stood on the landing.  “Yes, I do.  We’ll talk in the morning.” 

I kissed her cheek and made my way down to the couch.
  I stripped down to my briefs and undershirt and laid down.  Pulling the blanket around me, I think I fell asleep before I fully relaxed into her couch. 

I woke to a noise and glanced at the clock on the table.  I’d only been asleep for an hour or so.  My eyes and ears adjusted to the sounds and darkness.  She was walking around upstairs.  Why was she still awake?  The noise ceased when she reached her doorway. 
She was struggling with herself and so was I.  I debated about getting up, but waited to see what she would do.  A few moments passed and I heard her tread lightly down the stairs.  Her figure came into view and I waited.

She stared at my figure lying on the couch for several minutes, unaware that I was watching her.
When she came closer I closed my eyes, wondering how brave she was.  I felt the blanket get pulled off of me and gently she climbed on top of me.  She laid her head on my shoulder, tugged the blanket back over us and wrapped her body around mine.

“Cassidy…”

“Shh.  Let me hold onto you.  Please.” 

I pulled her close and shifted my body to give her a little more room.
  She was asleep in moments and I was right there with her.

When I woke in the morning, she was gone.  I wondered if I had dreamed that she had joined me on the couch.  Usually I was the one who woke up first.  I heard the shower running overhead and had to distract myself before I climbed the stairs and joined her.  My thoughts jumped to my mom and I checked my phone.  There were no missed calls, but I called dad anyways.  He said there was no change and that mom was sleeping a lot.  I called Jane, but she didn’t answer.  I left her voicemail and told her that mom was back in the hospital. 

Waiting for her to come down, I resorted to eating cereal.  Her cupboards were bare.  Cereal, milk, popcorn and frozen meals were about all she had in the house. That was no way for her to be eating.  As I rinsed out my bowl I heard her come down the stairs.  I still wasn’t sure if she really slept with me on the couch last night or if it was my imagination and I didn’t know if I should bring it up or not.  

She glanced at me before saying, “Shower’s free if you want it.”

A shower sounded great.  “Okay.  Can you take me back up to the hospital?  I want to check in on mom and my truck’s there.”

“Yup, it’s no problem.”

“I can call Smith.”

“James, it’s not a problem.  I’d like to visit your mom, if that’s ok.”

“Of course.  She’d love to see you.”

~<>~<>~<>~

We pulled into the parking garage and began walking into the hospital.  Mom was propped up in bed and Dad wasn’t there at that moment.  “I have a visitor for you.”

She tried looking around me and when she spotted Cassidy her face lit up.  “Cassidy, my dear.”  She reached her arms out to her and Cassidy hugged her.  “You’ve been a stranger the last couple weeks.  How’s your brother?”

I left them to chat and went in search of my father.  After looking for some time I called him.  He said he was headed back up and wanted to meet me in the small waiting room by the elevators.  I paced the floor waiting for his arrival.  When he stepped out of the elevator he motioned me to sit down.  My stomach was already churning.

“Mom will be coming home tomorrow or Monday.”

“Do they know what’s going on?  Are her kidneys functioning?”

He just looked at me and his eyes
grew glassy.  “I’m working on getting hospice and I’ll hire some nurses to care for her at home.”

“Hospice?  But…”  I couldn’t finish the sentence. 

“It’s what she wants.  She doesn’t want to die in these walls.  And I agree with her.”  He squeezed my knee as the fucking tears threatened to fill my eyes.  My throat and chest began to ache. 

“How long?”

“One never really knows with these things.  It could be a few days or a few weeks, maybe longer.”  I nodded my head, afraid to speak.

“Everything okay?”  Cassidy walked over and kept a few feet back, trying not to intrude.  “She’s sleeping, but asked for you.”

“Thank you.”  I got up and brushed past her with no other comment.

I sat with Mom for almost an hour as she drifted in and out of sleep.  “Honey, you can go.  It’s ok.  I’ll be home in a few days.”

“But…”

“Don’t but me.  Go spend some quality time with that wonderful girl of yours.”  I sighed, closing my eyes.  “James?  What’s going on?”

“I’m losing her.”

“Don’t be foolish.  I just talked to her and that girl is head over heels devoted to you.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Jackson James Benedict the third.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  We all die.  Everything comes to an end.  Get over it.
”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Jimmy, this life is short.  Don’t let her go just because you’re afraid to lose her.”

“She wants things I can’t give her.”

“Like what?  She’s not superficial.”

“Not
things
.  She asked me to move in with her.  I told her that we weren’t ready for that.”

“Is that all.  What are waiting for?  You’re father and I are old-fashioned, but you’re grown now.  Move in with her.”

“It’s not just that.”  She scowled at me.  “She found out that I served in the Army and is asking questions.  I can’t answer those questions mom.  It’s too much.”

She sighed and eyed me carefully.  “Why did you keep it from her?  It’s natural for her to be curious.  She just wants to know you.  It’s a sign of love.  If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t ask.”

I knew she was right.  I had to figure out a way to open up to her. 

“Jimmy, do you know?”

“Know what?”

“Is she it?” 

Was she it? 
What a loaded question. 

“Don’t worry.  You’ll know when the time is right.”  She rested her head and closed her eyes.  I had to let her rest.

Cassidy was sitting with my Dad when I returned to the lobby.  I gave him a hug and he headed back to her room and Cassidy and I got on the elevator.  We walked in silence out of the hospital and I took a risk and enclosed her hand in mine.  It took her a second before she intertwined her fingers in mine.  We reached her car and stood behind it as I stared at her.  How long had it been since I kissed her?  Way too long.

I moved in an inch at a time, waiting for her reaction.  She shifted nervously as I kissed her forehead and moved my lips to her cheek.  “I’ve missed you.”

“Me too.”  A small shudder ran through her and her hands came up to rest on my chest.

Barely touching, I grazed my lips across hers
causing her to whimper.  I couldn’t hold back any longer and pressed my mouth to hers.  My hand traveled her back and into her hair as the other drifted down her side.  She lost her balance as I pushed her up against the back of her car, but I kept her from falling.  She tasted like heaven as I sucked on her tongue. 

“James.”  She pulled her head back and
clung tightly to my neck.  “We have to talk.”

Groaning, “I know.  Later.”

“Now.” 

My phone started ringing and I knew I had to answer it.  “Shit.”  I pulled my phone out as she wiped her mouth and straightened her clothes.  I had a meeting with Melissa that I
had forgotten about.  If I wanted Melissa to help us bring down Dan, I couldn’t afford to piss her off.  “Cassidy, I have a meeting I have to get to.  Will you meet me at the penthouse?”

“What meeting?”  She drilled her eyes into me and knew instantly when I didn’t respond.  “With her?  The hell you do.  I’m coming with you.”