Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (8 page)

I followed him and sat down on the opposite couch from where he
was sitting.  We sat in silence for far too long.  Neither one of us was willing to speak first.   We were both stubborn out of our minds. I sat there, staring at my hands as I twisted them together over and over. Not being able to take the silence any longer I finally spoke.

“James,” my voice cracked, “I miss you.”  As I went to lift my head the tears poured out of my eyes and I dropped my head again, not wanting him to know I was crying.
  Pressing the palms of my hands into my eyes, hoping that it would stop the tears.

His voice was low as he said, “I miss you too.  I’m sorry I haven’t been with you much this week.  I just…”  He stopped talking and when I looked up to him his expression was unreadable. 

“You just what?”  I got up and sat down next to him.  “You can tell me James.  You can trust me.”

~ JAMES ~

You can trust me. 
My head became dizzy as I fought off the memories from the desert. 
Pull it together James. 
I knew that the shooting with Derek had triggered something in me.  I hadn’t fired a gun at an enemy since the desert.  It was my specialty then and I hadn’t lost my touch, even if Derek was still alive.  The thought of him still breathing just fueled my anger.  He should have been dead, rotting in the ground and I wanted to be the one to put him there.  He was under lock and key at the hospital, but I
would
pay him a visit if I had to pay off the whole police department and hospital staff to do it.

Cassidy covered my hand with hers and it sent a thrill of desire through me.  She sent off fireworks in me like no one ever had.  I always struggled to control myself around her and
knew that the feeling was mutual.  I also knew that she wouldn’t let this go.  She wasn’t one to be okay with me keeping secrets, even if they were my own.  How could she possibly begin to understand the demons I was dealing with?  The horrors I saw, experienced and caused were too much for her, maybe even too much for me.  And that my curse was to revisit those demons in my dreams. 

All I wanted to do was throw her on my desk and fuck her senseless and I knew she’d let me.  I was using sex, using her, as an escape from my memories.  And when it wasn’t her, I was using work.  Paul had everything handled, but I
would just find some other minor detail to obsess over to occupy me.  How much was one person expected to handle?  Dr. Pratt popped into my mind and I had an idea of what he’d tell me.  Maybe it was time to make an appointment to see him.  I was a fan of therapy and I was clearly in need of it.

“James?” 

Her voice brought me back and I looked into her blue eyes that were rimmed red and glassy.  I hated seeing her sad.  Pulling her into my arms, I squeezed her tight to me.  I’d been avoiding her, but not for the reasons she thought.  She was going through a lot too and I was being callous and cold toward her. 

“I’m sorry, Blackbird.  I’m so sorry.”

I felt her relax in my arms at my words.  Her breathing became fast and labored as she tried to get her emotions under control.  Leaning back to look at me, she ran her fingertips over my face, my scar, my lips. 

“I’m sorry too.  I didn’t mean what I said about it being Jane’s fault.”

“Well, to a degree it is.  If she’d told Calvin or me, maybe we could’ve prevented it.  There’s no way to know.”  I pushed some hair behind her ear as she continued to speak.

“I can’t imagine the horror she must’ve gone through.”

“I imagine she’s still going through it.  She loves Calvin more than anything.  I hope you know that.  She didn’t want Cal involved and in turn her worst nightmare has come true.”  She nodded her head understanding what I was getting at.  “How is he?  Any change?”

She shook her head.  “No.  He’s off the vent, but he won’t wake up.  The doctors aren’t much help.  They say it’s all up to him.  He’s losing weight.  I don’t know how long we’re supposed to watch him wither away.”

“It’s still early.  He’s strong.  He’ll pull through.”  I prayed I was right.  I didn’t believe Cassidy could handle another loss like that.  She didn’t say anything more.  “We should get you home.”

Later that night, after she was asleep, I wandered down to the kitchen, unable to sleep.  The tree was still up, unlit, and I remembered that I still hadn’t picked up her necklace.  With Calvin in the hospital, Christmas had all but been forgotten about.  I spied a gift under
her tree that was still wrapped and picked it up.  My name donned the tag, but I dared not open it.  Chessa wound her way between my legs after I placed the gift back under the tree.  Picking her up, we headed to the kitchen and I grabbed a bottle of water.

C
hapter
8
~
R
elieved

~ JAMES ~

The next afternoon she called me at work to tell me Calvin was awake.  It was the best news I could have possibly heard.  She was already in a cab headed to the hospital, not waiting for Ryan to pick her up.  I told her I’d meet her there.  As I was packing up Smith walked in.  I could tell by the look on his face that he had news.

“Hit me with it.”

“You might want to sit down.”

“Christ.  What now?”  He opened my office door back up and motioned in Melissa, who was sporting a black eye. 
What the fuck? 
It wasn’t good news.

~ CASSIDY ~

I rushed in the doors of the hospital and
headed to the nearest elevator.  When I reached Cal’s floor I hurried past several people and ignored the nurse at the desk, jogging straight to his room.  There was a flurry of doctors in his room and I spotted Jane in the far corner.  She had a smile plastered on her face and tears in her eyes.  She spotted me as I walked over to her.  We hugged each other tightly as she began to fill me in with the details I so desperately wanted to hear.

“He’s been awake for a few hours.  I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner.”

“It’s ok.  God, I’m so relieved.”

“We’ve only had a few minutes to ourselves before we were bombarded with nurses and doctors.”

“Does Dad know?  He didn’t answer when I called.”

“Yes, I called him right after I called you.  He’s on his way.”  She squeezed my hand as we stood and watched the doctors fawn over Cal.

Several minutes later a doctor told us that he seemed to be fine.  They were planning to keep a close eye on him, but warned us he’d be extremely tired for several days, if not weeks.  By the time I made it over to his bedside he was already dozing off.  I squeezed his hand and sat down next to him.

His eyes fluttered open as he looked to me and tried to speak.  “
Shh, it’s okay.  Get some rest.”  He smiled before drifting off again. 

A few hours passed and James never showed up.  My Dad was getting ready to
leave for the night and offered me a ride home.  I asked him to drop me off at the hotel and he obliged.  We talked some on the ride.

“Cassidy, is everything okay with you and James?”

I sighed before answering.  “I think so.  Yes, no.  I’m not sure.”

“What’s going on kiddo?”

“He’s been really distant, especially since everything that happened with Cal and Jane.  I also found out from Smith that he served in the Army.”  I looked to him and he nodded that he was still listening.  “Dad, I had no idea he was in the military.  He’s never mentioned it to me.”

“Well, I would imagine that he probably served around the same time Cal did.  Those men have sacrificed and been through a lot.  James seems to be a pretty well rounded guy.  Ask him about it.  He may tell you and he may not.”

“Did grandpa ever talk to you about his time in the war?”

“No.  He never talked about it and anytime I asked he’d change the subject.  I learned early on that it was something he’d rather forget.  James may be the same way.”

“I know.” 

“Hang in there.  Give him some space and some time.  He’s
probably going through a lot right now too.  He shot a man who tried to kill his cousin and almost killed your brother.”

He pulled up in front of the hotel and I unbuckled.  I reached over and gave him a hug.  “Love you, Dad.  I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Love you too, Cass.  Don’t push him too hard.  He’s a good guy.”

I just smiled as I got out of the truck before I headed into the hotel.  Using my keycard and punching in the code, the elevator soared up to the penthouse.  I walked into his suite and called his name.  There was no answer.  I checked for him upstairs.  There was no sign of him.
I changed my clothes and decided to head down to the restaurant for something to eat. 

When I walked in the hostess asked if I was joining James.  Curious, I said yes and followed behind her as she headed toward the back of the restaurant.  James and I had eaten here enough times that she knew who I was.  I spotted Smith at a booth in the back
and slowly the rest of the booth occupants came into view.  Annie was there, flanked by James and Smith.  The hostess stepped out of the way and I sat down at the end of the booth, next to James, where there was a vacancy. 

“Cassidy?  What are you doing here?”

“My dad just dropped me off from visiting Cal.”

“James said he’s awake.  That’s great news.  How is he?”  Smith’s question was entirely genuine and I answered him as I took in the drinking glasses on the table.  There were four glasses of water and it looked like they’d been sitting
there awhile.  “Was someone else here?”

“That would be me.” 

My teeth ground together as her voice echoed in my ears.  I looked to James and glared at him.  Was he trying to make me insane?  The waitress stopped by at that time and asked if I’d be joining them.

“No, actually I’d like to place an order
for room service.  I’ll take the NY strip, medium, garlic mashed potatoes and a side salad with ranch.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, a bottle of Moscato.  Actually, make that two.  Do you still have the peanut butter cheesecake?”

“Yup.”

“A slice of that too.  He’ll let you know what room.”  I went to get up once James confirmed the room and after the waitress walked away.  I felt him grab my wrist and I yanked it away violently.  “DON’T touch me.”  I knew that he said Melissa was helping with Dan, but it still pissed me off.  “Finish your business.  I’ll be upstairs.”  I stood up and was face to face with his skank hag troll. 

She had that fucking smile on her face and I felt my fists curl. 
Would she ever give up?
“Don’t wait up sweetie.”

I stopped for a split second and debated about punching her in the face.  Thinking better of it
, and the crowd I would draw, was the only thing that stopped me.  Hell, I felt like punching James too.  I passed the waitress on my way out as she confirmed my order would be up shortly.  Wait.  Did Melissa have a black eye?  I shook my head and chuckled wishing I was the one who put it there and wondered how she’d look with a pair of matching black eyes.

I didn’t bother
using the glass for my wine once my food was delivered.  A drink, or twenty, was exactly what I needed and wanted.  The more I drank the more I wondered about who was more pathetic.  Melissa or me?  I was beginning to realize that she wasn’t going to go down without a fight.  I had to decide if I was going to fight or if I was going to walk away.  They say anything worth having was worth fighting for, but fuck.  WHY? 

The first bottle of wine was gone and I was feeling pretty damn good.  I devoured almost the entire meal.  At least an hour had passed and James hadn’t come back to his suite yet. 
Screw him.
  I pulled the cheesecake from the fridge along with the second bottle of wine and made my way upstairs. 

“I’ll show him.”  I locked his door once I set down my dessert on the dresser.
  I could’ve just gone to the spare bedroom, but this was more fun.  I giggled and shed my clothes before digging out a shirt of his from the dresser.  I needed a distraction and looked around the room.  TV wasn’t it.  I spotted his iPod dock and pulled my own iPod out of my purse and plugged it in.  This called for some Britney, lots and lots of Britney.

Gimme
More
was playing as I danced around the room, on the bed, and back to the floor over and over again with the music blaring.  The bottle of wine was in one hand and I’d occasionally take a bite of the cheesecake.  Clueless to how much time had passed by, I felt myself slipping into a state of drunkenness. 
Breathe On Me
by Britney
was now playing.
  My hair was down and probably a mass of tangles and I didn’t care.  Setting the bottle on the night stand, I twirled around and jumped back on the bed, throwing the pillows to the floor, unaware of where they landed.

Suddenly I fell forward after being hit from behind
with a pillow.  With my hair in my face, I managed to see bare legs walking toward the bed, where I was now face down.  Someone was home and someone had a key handy. 
Jerk. 
How long had he been watching me?  He gripped my ankles and pulled me to the edge of the bed.  I was vaguely aware of the throbbing forming in my head, and other areas, as his crotch pressed into my ass. 

His hot breath was skimming my neck
as his growing goatee tickled my skin and then he whispered, “You’ve been a bad girl, Blackbird.”  His tongue darted out and licked behind my ear before he blew his cool breath on to me. 

The bed dipped under his weight as a hand traveled my side, exposing my flesh.  I instinctually gripped the comforter above my head before I felt him sit down next to me. 
His hands gripped my ankles once more and moved up my calves and back down again.  He pulled my legs across his lap and I pulled the shirt from my body, only left in my bra and panties.  My body was ready to burst as I took a deep breath and relished his touch.  God, I’d missed him.

His hands moved up and down my legs, getting closer to the ache between them each time he resumed his movements.  I completely relaxed against him
, and the bed, as his hands scorched my skin.  I noticed the song start over again.  He must’ve put it on replay.  His hands began massaging my back.  I thought he was going to unclasp my bar when his hand traveled underneath it.  Instead he reached up further, into my hair, and pulled tightly until my chin lifted off the bed.

“Tell me you trust me.”

Panting, I whispered, “I trust you, James.”

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you.”

“Always, only
, and forever you, Blackbird.”

“Only you.” 
Whatever he had in store for me, I was eager to accept.

“Just breathe.”  Moving back down, he squeezed my ass, before moving his hand between my legs to cup me.  “You never disappoint.”  Curling his fingers, he rubbed his knuckles over the damp satin that covered me.

I couldn’t stop myself from arching my hips to get more friction.  It felt so good.  His hand pulled away abruptly and before I was done protesting
, his hand came down on my ass with a ‘smack’.  I groaned into the bedding before he did it again.  He took turns smacking each cheek and in between each blow he would dip his hand between my legs to tease me.

The
smacks stopped and I felt him pull my panties down to expose my throbbing cheeks.  I heard the faint groan that escaped his lips right before his hand delicately traced the welts that I knew decorated my ass.  His warm lips found my spine and worked over my ass as his tongue licked a path across the prints he had left.  One hand worked its way between me and my underwear as he blew hot and cold breaths over my ass.  I was so worked up that I didn’t think I could fight the climax that was coming any longer.  The sensual techno beat of the song was intoxicating.  His fingers curled under again and rubbed against me before he slipped two fingers inside. 

That was it.  I was done.  If he kept this up it would be all over
in a split second.  Before I realized what he was doing, I was lying on my back as he tugged my panties off, and knelt down in front of me.  Spreading my legs he continued blowing his hot and cold breath all over me while his hands teased my inner thighs.  I cried out, dying for his touch.  His mouth was as close to me as possible without touching me. 

“You’re there, let go Cassidy.”

The hot breath he released next sent me over the edge.  Just as I was recovering, his mouth lapped at me with long, luxurious strokes.  His fingers found their way inside and began working me over again. 

I don’t remember anything, after coming again, except waking in his arms in the middle of the night
with a pounding headache.  I made my way to the bathroom and popped some Tylenol before heading back to bed.  Sitting up next to him, I watched him as he slept.  I wondered about the secrets he kept and I wanted to know them, him, all of it. 

Remembering what my father said, I told myself to back off.  He loved me, I knew that, but the Melissa thing was a hard limit for me. 
I had to find out what was going on with her and the Dan thing.  James seemed convinced that she was helping, but I was a woman and I knew how we thought and fought.  She was fighting for who she thought was hers.  I was determined to prove her wrong.  He was mine, as long as he wanted to be.

~ JAMES ~

“Cassidy, wake up.”  Her moan of protest amused me as she pulled the pillow over her head.  “Did you enjoy the bottles of wine?”

She peaked out from under the pillow and smirked at me.  “I enjoyed what happened
after
the bottles,” then covered her head again.