Let's Be Mature About This BN (8 page)

“Let’s see some embarrassing high school pictures already!”

“Let’s see. Here’s one.”

“What the hell? This isn’t embarrassing, you look great! And you have that little mole above your lip. And your hair was so much longer.”

“Yeah. Here’s me on the track team.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. You just look really good in this picture, kind of sweaty with some of your hair stuck to your forehead. And those short shorts…”

“Um, I still jog some mornings.” I winked at him in reply. He cleared his throat and continued flipping through pictures. “Here’s me being a beach bum with some of my high school friends.” He was sitting in the sand with just board shorts on. He was very well tanned and his chest and abs were very well defined. I wondered if he still looked like that underneath the t-shirt he was wearing. I know he isn’t as tan. In the photo he was surrounded by a bunch of other long haired, well tanned beach pals. Then he turned to some prom pictures.

“Me and my prom date and my high school crew.” Gavin was in a black tux, looking handsome as usual, his date was in a hot pink halter prom dress and had her blonde curls piled on top of her hair in some sort of styling. She was quite thin. I couldn’t help but notice that all of his friends in the picture looked like the type of people I wouldn’t have liked to hang out with when I was in high school. How could I get along with his friends if he was still friends with these people? Maybe I’m just being stereotypical for thinking that just because their jocks their not cool people, but…I don’t know.

“Okay, now let’s move on to the college days. Here is me and my best friend Jay. We met when we were assigned to be each other’s roommate my first year. We hit it off and we’ve been friends ever since.” In the picture he and Jay seemed to be at a home football game in the bleachers. They were being silly, posing like they were hood, trying to look hard but not really succeeding. Jay is black. Well, mixed anyways. I felt a bit of a weight off of my shoulders. His best friend was mixed so perhaps Jay and I would get along. Or not, who knows. Gavin scanned through some other pictures of him and Jay. And then he came to a picture of he and a brunette woman dancing together very close. The weight that was taken off my shoulders was then transferred onto my chest. “How’d this get in here? I thought I’d gotten rid of all of these,” Gavin said in a strangely reserved manner.

“Is that…?”

“Elise.”

He sure looked happy with Elise. She was wearing a white tank top and a red and orange sarong around her waist. She was very leggy and had a large chest. Larger than mine anyways. It looked like they were at some Hawaiian themed bar, dancing and smiling. Gavin had one hand at her back and one at her neck, his fingers buried in her long brown hair. Their faces were inches away from one another. I started to feel nauseous.

It really hit me that he’d gone out with only white women before me. And he was only with me after some life altering bout of depression. Did he think that I was all he could get now that his spirit had been broken? Was being with me some subconscious decision to abandon the idea of the perfect same-race relationship he had once sought? My mind was reeling.

 “Looking at this, I don’t know what I ever saw in her. I think it was probably something very stupid and superficial about me which led me to her.”

“Are you going to rip it up already?” I said with a tinge of attitude.

Gavin looked at me and then back at the picture. He pulled it out of its sleeve and ripped it into eight little rectangular pieces. My mood changed for the better when he got up and ceremoniously threw it at the fake fireplace. We both chuckled. The weight was lifted off again.

***

Gavin and I walked slowly into the dining room holding hands. “Good afternoon, Ms. Lenton. Nice to finally meet you. You have an amazing daughter,” Gavin smiled. Ms. Lenton rose from her seat at the dining room table and I watched as her hands rose to strangle him. I instinctively jumped in front of Gavin. "Nooo!" My mother gave me an annoyed look.

“Girl, move so I can give the man a hug!”

“A hug? Oh, a hug is fine. Heh, no problem,” I inched away. I watched as my mom and my boyfriend hugged each other and sat around the table getting acquainted. They talked about work and 401(k)’s and backaches. Not once was my name mentioned. I guess that means the two grown-ups were getting along well. After half an hour listening to them talk I felt that they were getting along too well. Then I realized for the first time that my mom is only nine years older than him. It creeped me out so much that for the first time in thirty minutes Gavin and my mother took notice of me.

“Sydney, are you okay?” Gavin asked. “Why did you make that little squeak sound?”

“Oh, that’s Sydney’s mouse squeak. She does that sometimes when she’s nervous or scared or shocked. Just give her some time to recover and she’ll be fine, dear.”

Gavin looked worriedly at me. I nodded at him to let him know I was alright and then he went back to talking with my mother. I was mad that I humiliated myself twice in an hour. First I lunged in front of Gavin like a maniac and then I did that stupid mouse squeak thing that I do unconsciously. At some point I got up from the table and wandered around the house and into my room. I sat in my comfy red chair and tried not to think about Gavin’s age. I promised I wouldn’t hold that against him. He’s only trying to relate to my mom and make a good impression. He’s not that serious when we’re together. I should be happy he and my mom get along. There was a soft knock at my door followed by Gavin stepping into my room.

Once I saw him standing there my worries melted away. I can’t help but smile when I see him. Every time we’re together I have to pinch myself because I feel like it can’t be real to have this wonderful guy actually care about me as much as he does. I daydream about us being on some island in the Caribbean together, walking down the beach hand in hand, feeling really comfortable and settled down. I can’t wait to introduce him to Elizabeth or to show him off to random people on the street even! When I think about how Elise hurt him I feel the hurt for him too.

I find that my emotions are getting wrapped up with his. Not in an unhealthy way where I’d do absolutely any crazy thing to make it better but, close enough. I’m ashamed to say that I get teary-eyed sometimes when he hugs me or when he kisses me. I feel so lucky. I think I’m in…I think I like him more than I thought was possible. I watched as Gavin glanced around my room. Then he walked over to me where I was seated in my plush chair and sat squarely on my lap.

“You’re freakin’ heavy! Get off before you break my legs!” Laughing, Gavin got off of me and I scooted over to make room for him. He sat down in the space beside me with his back against the arm of the chair and his legs across my lap and hanging off the opposite arm of the chair. “You are a big baby, you know that?” I grumbled.

“Yeah, but I’m your baby, right?”

I could only smile at that. He gave me a peck on the lips and then stood from the chair to look closely at the posters on my wall. “I thought you said Lenny Kravitz is your favorite artist. Why don’t you have any pictures of him on your walls?”

“Out of respect, I guess. That way I’ll concentrate on his music and not get obsessed about his face. I don’t know, I just don’t want to be that type of crazy fan. Now that I think about it, I don’t think it made a difference. I’m still pretty smitten by him.”

Gavin looked around my room some more. “Your room reminds me of my own room when I was your age. I—“ Gavin was cut off by the piercing glare I was giving him. “Nevermind,” he sighed. “I’m sorry,” Gavin said with puppy dog eyes. He walked over to me, took my hands and pulled me from the chair. He hugged me and kissed me on the neck. “I can’t believe I said that, Sydney. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I made myself sound like your father or something.” He kissed me several more times on the neck and on the cheek and slowly twirled us in a circle. “I’m an idiot. You’re not going to leave me are you?” he joked. “Oh don’t leave me! Baby, baby, please!” Then somehow he pushed us both onto my bed. By that time I was giggling and not at all mad at him. Next thing you know it turned into a make-out session that got a little heavy when Gavin kind of found his way on top of me and I had to quickly draw the line. We sat up, straightened our clothes, combed our fingers through our hair, and sat cross-legged on my bed. He apologized profusely. It was quite disconcerting.

“You know I’m sorry, right Sydney? I’m just a screw up sometimes. Give me another chance though, it won’t happen again, I promise. Just hang in there with me.”

“Whoa! Slow down, Gavin. It’s okay. You really think that, don’t you? I mean, I know you were just kidding but, this is the third time you’ve brought it up that I might up and leave you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Is that your main insecurity, then?”

“I guess it is.”

“Think really hard all the way into your childhood and tell me what is the most scared you’ve ever been?”

“Okay, Ummm, this is kind of weird but, there was this time when I was about seven or eight. It was around Christmas time because I remember the decorations were up in the mall and there were so many people there shopping. My mother and I were looking for a gift for my dad so we went into this store, I can’t remember the name of it, but we went in and somehow I got distracted by something I saw and I wandered off and got lost. By the time I realized I was lost I just kind of froze. I was so frightened. You would think I would go up to one of the sales clerks and ask for help. Or maybe I should have started crying and looking pathetic so someone would help me, but instead I just stood there. I remember thinking,
How could I be so stupid? Now I’m lost and my mother is going to be pissed
.” Gavin chuckled. “Eventually somebody spotted me, and my mother and I were reunited.”

“Alright, that’s a great example of what I’m talking about. You made a mistake and immediately you called yourself stupid. So, even before that happened I think someone said something to you that made you feel like you weren’t smart.”

Gavin shrugged
. “
My dad said a few things I’m sure but I can’t really remember something in particular from when I was that young
.”

I smiled at him. “That’s okay. Sorry, don’t get all worried about it. I was just curious.”

“So, what about you? What’s the most scared you’ve ever been?”

I laughed. “I’ve already analyzed myself just so you know. The most scared I’ve ever been was the day my dad walked out on my mother and I. They were arguing and my dad pulled out a duffel bag and started stuffing his things into it. I saw him heading for the door and I was so distraught because I didn’t want to see him go. So I threw a fit and threw my little eleven-year-old self onto his leg and tried to pry the bag out of his hand. At that point my dad grabbed my arm, hard, and pushed me away from him which resulted in me falling flat on my butt onto the floor. I remember looking up at him in horror. He just looked at me for a second and then headed out the door, not at all remorseful. And that is the story of why I am so defensive. I never know when someone might decide to turn on me.”

“You don’t have to worry about that from me, okay?” Gavin kissed me on the temple. I closed my eyes and smiled and nodded. I wasn’t worried. He’d be there for me and I’d be there for him.

“Gavin, how bad did the depression get? I want to know what to expect if something happens to you, so I’ll know how to handle things and take care of you.”

“God, no, Sydney, don’t think that. I’m fine now. You don’t have to take care of me. I’d never let you do something like that.” I gave him a look that said,
Are you going to answer my question or what?
He let out a sigh and looked over at my bedroom window. It was around seven so it was getting dark outside. As he looked out the window he told me, “I just couldn’t get out of bed for a while, is all. Don’t worry about me, okay?” He looked back at me. “What about you? I want you to find what you’re passionate about. Don’t just become a doctor because it’s practical. What’s good for your mother is not good for you.”

“I’m passionate about
you
, can’t that be enough?” I smirked. Gavin gave me a little scolding look. “Alright. Uh, I do like helping people.”

“You should be a psychotherapist.”

“A what?!”

“Seriously, I think you’re really good at reading people. Like what you did earlier with me. Your very perceptive and thoughtful and funny and smart and beautiful and—“

“Okay okay!” I grinned, “I’ll think about it.” Just then my cell phone started ringing. It was Elizabeth and I could hear Sara crying in the background. Elizabeth was stressed and Evan was at work so she was feeling overwhelmed. I finished talking with Liz and turned to Gavin. “Liz is having trouble getting Sara to bed. I need to go over there and calm both Liz and Sara down. Do you want to come with me?” Gavin nodded.