Let's Be Mature About This BN (12 page)

“Gavin, this is my husband Evan Roth. Evan this is Sydney’s partner in crime Gavin Caselle.”

“Nice to meet you,” Evan said shaking Gavin’s hand.

“Nice to meet you too. You have a beautiful family.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey Evan!” Sydney beamed and gave him a hug.

“Hey Syd! Long time no see!”

“I missed you,” Sydney smiled up at him.

“Yeah, same here,” he smiled, his warm brown eyes glistening. Liz smiled at the two of them and then they all sat down at their table. Gavin glanced at Sydney who was still smiling at Evan across the table. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Sydney. Thanks for helping take care of my girls when I’m not able to be there with them.”

“Oh, no problem Ev. You know I love you guys,” Sydney responded bashfully.

Gavin looked from Sydney to Evan. The way they were looking at each other made his stomach turn. The way Sydney looked at Evan was too similar to the way Sydney looked at him. The whole dinner, Gavin ate quietly, only making a few comments here and there, and watched as Sydney talked and laughed with Evan. Not once did Sydney speak to him at dinner. The event was more of a gathering amongst Evan, Liz, and Sydney so Gavin felt a bit left out.

He just couldn’t get the thought out of his head; the thought that Sydney had a crush on Evan. The idea was making him more heated by the minute. When the group decided it was time to head home and Sydney kissed Liz and then Evan on the cheek to say goodbye that was the last assault his male ego could take. Before Gavin and Sydney made it back to his car he confronted her.

“Is there something about Evan I should know?” he asked as they walked.

“No. Why? You didn’t like him?”

“Maybe I should be more specific. Is there something about you and Evan that I should know about?”

Sydney slowed to a stop in the middle of the parking lot. “Are you kidding, Gavin?” Gavin just looked at her. Sydney felt hurt, anger, and sadness all at once. He was implying that she was a cheater, an accomplice to adultery, a backstabber and a home wrecker all at the same time. How could he ever think that about her? She could feel her face and ears burning up in embarrassment and her chest burning with anger. Sydney rushed over to the passenger side of his car. “Drive me home right now,” she demanded. Gavin unlocked the door with his keyless entry remote and watched as she got into the car. Then he walked to the driver’s side and got in. He put the key in the ignition but didn’t start the car. Instead he looked over at Sydney who was looking out the side window.

“What’s to hide? Why can’t you answer my question?”

Sydney spoke but refused to look at him. Where was this jealousy coming from? “The fact that you would accuse me of cheating on you either physically or emotionally with my best friend’s husband is not something that I feel deserves a response.”

Gavin’s eyebrows furrowed with disgust and irritation. “Sydney, I saw the way you were looking at him. You can’t deny that.”

Sydney met Gavin’s eyes. “How exactly was I looking at him Gavin?”

“It was like…It was like you were flirting with him the whole night. You were looking at him and just enamored by him and then you kissed him right in front of me.”

“You’re right Gavin. You are completely right.” Gavin looked shocked for a moment. “You’re right. Why do you look so shocked? Isn’t that what you wanted to hear! I kissed Evan
on the cheek
! Do you want to know why I’m enamored by him? Because, I do love him. I love him like a brother and I haven’t been able to talk to him for months. He’s older than me and I look up to him and respect him because he is a good man and a good father. He is a good black man and I dare you to try and stop me from valuing a good brotha.”

“What the hell is so special about Evan? He’s doing what he’s
supposed
to do as a husband and a father. But because he’s black—“

Sydney cut her eyes at Gavin. “Don’t comment on things you don’t understand.”

“Let me guess. Because I’m white, I’ll never understand. Why don’t you just explain it to me? I’m really anxious to know why Evan is getting so much credit.”

“Gavin, I really don’t feel like giving you a recap of slavery right now.”

“I’ve got all day, Sydney. I’ve got all day to hear why it is you
love
this man.”

“I’m sure you know that African American families are used to being ripped apart,” spoke Sydney, angry and trembling. Gavin winced but kept up his determined game face. “Too many fathers are running away from their responsibilities and leaving their boys not knowing how to become men and their girls not knowing how they should be treated.” Sydney pointed to herself. “I’m one of those girls who didn’t have a strong black father.”

Gavin looked away for a moment, ashamed of the way he had brought Sydney’s hidden pain to the surface, but the image of Sydney smiling up at Evan was seared into his mind and he couldn’t let it go. “So every responsible black man you come across I have to deal with you praising him and appreciating him instead of me, the one who’s actually here for you?!”

“Shit Gavin! I’m not Elise!” Sydney screamed. For a long moment, the car was filled with his silence. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Gavin?” Sydney said in a pained whisper. “Please tell me that deep down you don’t really believe I’m like her after all these months of me spilling my guts to you.”

“I don’t…” Gavin trailed off.

“Stop wishing for this good thing we have to fall apart,” Sydney cried, “I’ve given you more than I’ve given any guy before. My trust and…and my heart. Tell me I wasn’t wrong. Tell me I didn’t waste my time.” She quickly dried her eyes and composed herself, reminding herself to stay strong and prepare for the worst: being left behind. He’d already turned on her so the only thing left was for him to finally walk out of her life.

He ran both his hands through his hair and then started the car. His hands were shaking but Sydney couldn’t tell if it was from anger, anxiety, or fear. “I, um, I have to get you home. Right now before I say some idiotic thing that neither one of us could ever forgive me for.” He turned up the rock music that was playing on the radio and drove quickly out of the parking lot and to Sydney’s house.

While he drove, Sydney saw his mouth moving. She knew he wasn’t mouthing the lyrics to the music on the radio. He was berating himself, calling himself names under his breath. That was one of the bad habits his psychiatrist had once lectured to him about. It had been a big reason why he’d become as depressed as he did. He mentally beat himself up over every mistake he made. As they drove, Sydney considered telling Gavin not to do that, but she felt so disrespected and upset in that moment that she didn’t think it a bad idea for him to call himself some names after what he’d just put her through.

Gavin finally pulled up to the front of the Lenton home. He turned the radio down, draped his left arm over the steering wheel and rested his head on it to face Sydney. His eyes were a bit red. He looked at Sydney for a moment until she looked back. “I know you’re not Elise, Sydney.”

“That’s good,” said Sydney, annoyed.

“It’s just that I can’t trust myself to trust anyone else too much. I’m afraid of being made a fool of again. I’m afraid of getting my heart stomped on again.”

She sighed. “I’m afraid to be hurt, too. However, I never allow that paranoia or jealousy to speak to you. I drive away those thoughts and I never direct them at you. If you can’t do that then I can’t be there for you. I love you, but I’m not going to be a human punching bag for you to work out your fears and your anger. You have to talk to me, not at me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish I was as put together as you are. I’m supposed to be the man here. I’m supposed to be the rock and all I do is keep stumbling over all my stupid petty feelings. You don't have to put up with this. I'd understand if you wanted to go.”

“No, Gavin," Sydney softened. "I don't want to go and it’s not petty. You have a right to your feelings, but I have a right to some respect.”

“Of course you do,” Gavin sighed and sat up in his seat. “From now on I promise to be respectfully obnoxious, respectfully angry, and respectfully jealous,” he declared.

Sydney’s lips went up in a little smile. “It sounds funny but it can be done,” she said.

“Okay. I pinky promise I will always remember to respect you.” He held out his right pinky. Sydney laughed and thought about the first time they’d pinky promised.

“Alright. Pinky swear?” She asked as she looped her right pinky with his. They both noticed the promise rings they still wore.

“I pinky swear.”

***

Gavin, grinning, took my hand and dragged me from the front door into the kitchen. “Look!” he said excitedly pointing at a large pot of water on top of the stove. I peered down into the uneventful water where a couple miniscule bubbles lazily rose from the bottom of the pot to the surface. I turned and raised a questioning eyebrow at Gavin. “I’m cooking!” he announced. I smiled.

“What exactly do you plan on cooking?”

“Calzoncelli di Ricotta.”

“That sounds really good,” I said referring to him speaking Italian.

“Calzoncelli di Ricotta,” Gavin growled into my ear. I giggled as his breath tickled my ear and his accent made my cheeks grow hot.

“Okay. What exactly is Calzoncelli?”

“Well I was talking to my mother on the phone the other day and she was scolding me about what scarce home cooked meals I’ve been having and she reminded me of the time she made this for me from scratch. It’s kind of like round ravioli filled with ricotta cheese that has some lemon zest in it. And then you pour meat sauce over it.”

“That sounds yummy.”

“It is.”

“So what else did you talk to your mom about?”

“Umm, stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Well, you know, we talked about things.”

“Was my name mentioned anywhere in there?”

Gavin smiled. “Maybe.”

His response made me happy but nervous. It was good to know that he wasn’t afraid to mention me to his mother, but it was nerve-wracking to realize how serious our relationship really was.

I helped Gavin roll out the pasta dough and cut out circles. He mixed the ricotta and egg yolk as I grated lemon zest into it. We stuffed the pasta, sealed them and dropped them into the boiling water. Gavin poured a readymade bottle of meat sauce into a pot and heated it up. He was very proud of himself.

As we waited on garlic bread to bake I went over to where Belle was laying on the rug in the dining area and picked her up. I pet the soft white hair between her ears. “She sure is lazy today,” I commented.

Gavin smiled. “I don’t expect her to be jumping around after all the water she drank earlier.”

I looked down at Belle. “Did Daddy forget to give you your water yesterday?” Gavin shook his head. “You can tell me, Belle. Is that why you were so thirsty? Gavin is a bad daddy isn’t he?” Gavin rolled his eyes at me. Then he took Belle out of my arms and cradled her like a baby.

“I’d never do that. Right Belle?” Belle lifted her paw and placed it on Gavin’s chin. I laughed at their cuteness. Gavin put Belle back onto the floor and we went to go fix our plates and sit around the dining table. We’d done a pretty good job. The Calzoncelli was great!

“Enjoying your meal?”

“Very much,” I said as I raised a forkful to my mouth.

“Good because you’ll enjoy more of this when we go to my parents’ house for dinner next week.”

The fork fell out of my hand, bounced off the table and onto the floor where Belle was laying. She looked over at it uninterested.

***

A couple days later as I was walking across campus to get to class my phone started vibrating. It was Gavin calling.

“Sydney, I think something’s wrong with Belle.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?”

“Uh, she wouldn’t eat anything this morning and now she’s vomiting.” Gavin sounded panicked.

“Oh gosh! Take her to the animal hospital. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Just take her to the animal hospital right away.”

“Okay okay. I’ll call you later.”