Learning to Breathe (24 page)

“So,” Danny began, as soon as he pulled up outsi
de my house. “There’s a party down at the spring tonight – you wanna go?”

I shrugged.
“Sure, I could do with having some fun.”

Danny grinned.
“Great, I’ll pick you up at seven-thirty.”

I smiled, got out
of the car and waved him off. It was then that I noticed that my mother’s car was there and I wondered what she was doing home so early.

I opened the door and found my mother sitting on the couch looking oddly calm.

“Mum?” I asked hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

She turned to face me and motioned for me to sit down beside her.

“Sit down honey … I have some news.”

I slowly made my way over to the couch and flopped down, my heart beating wildly.

“Is something wrong?” I enquired tentatively.

My mother shook her head.
“Not exactly. It’s just there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a few weeks now. But, with your accident and everything, I decided to wait.”

I nodded.
“Okay … what is it?”

I was really starting to freak out now.

My mother sighed deeply. “I’ve met someone.”

I stared at her, waiting for the information to sink in until I eventually found the will to speak.

“You’ve met someone?” I echoed.

She nodded.
“Yes, his name’s William and he’s really nice. I really like him Darcie.”

Anger was boiling up inside of
me now.

“William?”
I repeated loudly, my temper flaring.

My mother didn’t say anything but placed a consoling hand on my arm.

I flinched away. “What about Dad?” I yelled angrily. “It’s only been a year!”

“Honey, your father and I were divorced a year before he died. Part of me will always love and miss him but it’s time for me to move on. We divorced for a reason Darcie – you know that.”

I shook my head impatiently. “But it’s an insult to his memory!”

I was on a roll now and the thing that had been bugging me
for weeks was now spilling out.

“I mean you didn’t even acknowledge the anniversary of his death!”

A flicker of pain flashed over my mother’s face. “Darcie, I didn’t want to upset you since you seemed to be doing so well. I spoke about it on the phone to Dr. Kendrick and she told me to wait and see if you brought it up first. She said not to pressure you to talk about it if you didn’t want to as you’d probably bring it up when you were ready.”

I stared at her.
“The whole of the past year you’ve been torturing me to talk about what happened and ignoring my protests but when Dr. Kendrick says it’s okay, that’s when you finally leave me alone? What is that?”

My mother sighed deeply.
“I just thought you were finally moving on and I didn’t want to upset you by bringing it up. I know it’s been hard but sooner or later, you have to move on. It’s not healthy to live in the past.”

I glared at her.
“So how long have you been dating
William
?” I made no attempt to hide my disgust.

“It’s only been three months but I’m really happy Darcie. I wish you could be happy for me too.” My mother said sadly.

“Don’t count on it!” I told her viciously before adding, “Why’d you decide to tell me now?”

“I felt bad hiding it from you,” my mother said patiently. “A
nd he’s taking me away for the weekend so I knew I had to tell you tonight.”

I shook
my head in disgust and stood up. “Whatever … just leave me alone. Go and meet your new
boyfriend
!”

And with
that, I stormed up the stairs and didn’t leave my room until my mother had left to meet William.

At 7.30pm, Danny picked me up and we made our way over to the spring. On the journey over, I tried my best to forget about the argument with my mother but I couldn’t shake it. I knew that I should be happy for her but it just seemed unfair that she had moved on and I hadn’t – well, more like
couldn’t –
move on.

Nevertheless, I distracted myself by chatting away to Da
nny about stupid, insignificant things. If he noticed my bizarre behaviour, he didn’t comment on it. When we arrived at the party, we made our way over to Harriet and Samuel.

“Want one?” Samuel asked, holding out a beer to me.

I shrugged and accepted it –
to hell with it all
I thought,
why not have some fun?

I took a sip and noticed Danny throwing me a curious look but he didn’t say anything. I could tell that he knew there was something off about my mood but I was grateful that he didn’t feel the need to question it. Instead, he turned to Samuel and started to discuss football, leaving Harriet to pull me over to one side.

“So, what’s going on with you?” she asked, a deep frown etched on her forehead.

I shrugged.
“What do you mean?” I took another sip of beer as she scoffed at me.

“Something’s off with you. Are you okay?”

I nodded. “I’m fine Harriet, really. I’m just still getting back to normal from the accident.”

I smiled at her and downed the rest of my beer.

Harriet looked sceptical. “Are you sure that’s all?”

“Yes!” I told her emphatically before throwing her a reassuring grin.

She seemed to relax a little. “Okay. Come on, let’s get another drink.”

I foll
owed her over to the cool box.

W
hat was one more drink?

Three hours later and I was drunk. One more drink had turned into four more drinks and I was now seeing double. Harriet had tried to stop me taking the last drink but I stubbornly refused to hand over the beer bottle. In the end, she had left me to it and went to find Samuel.

Happy to be left alone, I stumbled my
way through the crowd and sat down in a secluded spot by the trees. An hour passed and I was happy that I had managed to evade Danny’s concerned looks for most of the night but now it looked like he had finally found me.

He flopped down on
the grass beside me and sighed. “So, you wanna talk about it?”

I turned t
o look at him and shook my head; I didn’t trust myself to speak.

“
You wanna go home?” Danny asked quietly.

I sighed heavily and then nodded.

“Okay,” Danny said. “Come on.”

He then
held out his hand and pulled me up.

I wobbled a little when I tried to walk but
Danny kept a steady hold on me. We slowly started to make our way to Danny’s car and I was thankful that we went unnoticed by the rest of the partygoers.

Once we were in the car, Danny remained silent while he drove me home. I was beginning to regret drinking so much but I was grateful for the fact that my mother would not be home to witness my inebriated state.

When Danny pulled up outside of my house, he sighed deeply but didn’t say anything. Instead, he got out of the car and helped me into the house. Once he had settled me safely on the sofa, he disappeared into the kitchen and a few seconds later, I heard the kettle boiling.

He returned to the living room a few minutes la
ter with a cup of tea and handed it to me. I took it gratefully and sipped at it while avoiding Danny’s gaze.

“So, where’s your mum?” Danny asked after a few seconds of awkward silence.

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, willing the room to stop spinning. “With her new
boyfriend.
”

Danny nodded understandingly.
“Ah, not a fan of him then?”

I shook my head
slowly as I felt the effects of the alcohol starting to wear off – I could feel the beginnings of a headache near my temples.

I sighed heavily.
“She told me about him tonight. I just can’t believe it.” I told Danny, relieved that my words were not as slurred as I thought they would be.

Danny frowned
at me. “Aren’t you happy for her?”

I glanced at him.
“I guess I should be since she divorced my dad a year before the accident but I dunno … I think I’m jealous that she’s moved on and I haven’t.”

“It’s not your fault
Darcie.” Danny told me soothingly while placing his hand gently on my arm.

“But it is.” I said and then quickly looked down at my knees; I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

Apparently, my sobriety was still a long way off if I couldn’t manage to filter what I was really thinking and what I had meant to say. Well, it has been said that drunken words are sober thoughts.

“What do you mean?” Danny asked suddenly.

I slowly lifted my head to look at him. “My dad – the accident – it’s my fault.”

Danny shook his
head. “No it wasn’t Darcie. I read the article.”

It was my turn to shake my head.
“No Danny, I’ve never told anyone what really happened that day – not even my mother.”
or Dr Kendrick
I added to myself.

I watched as Danny frowned and then asked hesitantly “Are you ready to tell someone now?”

I glanced at my knees again and then slowly nodded. “I think I am.”

I closed my eyes, sucked in a deep breath and transported myself back to the day of the accident …

“
The sun was shining and it was turning out to be a really great day. I was really looking forward to spending time with my dad because I hadn’t seen him much since the divorce. Anyway, he decided to take me fishing – don’t ask me why – but I agreed. Everything was going well and we were just relaxing when the storm hit.”

I paused, taking a shu
ddering breath and continued. “Dad had said for us to go back before it hit but I was selfish and didn’t listen. I demanded that we stay out just a little longer since I was having such a good time with him. Anyway, the storm ripped apart our boat and that’s when things really got bad.”

My voice shook slightly now b
ut I was determined to carry on. “I couldn’t see a thing … I was being thrown about and I was screaming for my dad … eventually he found me and told me that it would be okay … he helped me find some debris from the boat and told me to cling onto it.”

I now balled my hands into fists as I fought back the tears tha
t were threatening to take over. “He did the same but after a while I got tired … I kept sinking and my dad had to keep pulling me up. After that, everything started to get a little blurry … all I can remember is that my dad kept helping me stay afloat but he was struggling to stay awake too …”

I trailed off and Danny took t
he chance to speak. “But how was it your fault Darcie? You can’t blame yourself for something that was out of your hands.”

I shook my head furiously.
“No, it is. After the rescue, I remember hearing the paramedics talking – they said that Dad had exhausted himself when he kept saving me from going under the water … His age didn’t help his chances of surviving either but he would have if he hadn’t have kept trying to help me. He died because of me.”

At these final words, I looked at Danny and saw him shaking his head.

“Don’t blame yourself Darcie; your dad was just trying to protect you.”

I completely lost it then.

“I made him stay out longer than we should have!” I yelled. “I was the one who was too weak to stay afloat! I was the reason why he was too tired to fight for his life! It
is
my fault Danny and nothing you say is going to change that!” I shouted at him furiously, tears streaming down my face.

He
tried to reach out to comfort me but I pushed him away. When he tried again, I lashed out angrily but he was relentless. In the end, he wrapped his arms tightly around me and refused to let go no matter how hard I pushed at his chest.

Eventually, I found myself drained of energy and just let him hold me. It was then that everything we had shared with each other hit me at full force. Every emotion attacked me in that one moment and I just wanted to let it all out. I clutched at Danny and buried my face into his shirt as my body was wracked with gut-wrenching sobs.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that but it was s
urprisingly therapeutic with Danny just holding me while I cried myself hoarse. He rubbed my hair soothingly until I calmed down enough to look up at him.

H
e didn’t look freaked out by my total mental breakdown, instead, I was startled to find that his hazel eyes were rather red too. Sucking in a deep breath, I gently pulled out of his embrace and we just stared at each other.