Lean on Me (32 page)

“
You’ll always love
Alex.”

She picked up her shoe. She was going to
throw it at him but realized it was her favorite Christian
Louboutin. She looked at the shoe, sneered at him, and put it on.
With one last glare at him, she was running down the stairs toward
the door.

He jumped from the bed to follow her through
his carriage house.

She flipped around to look at his naked
form. Even angry and hurt, his wide muscular shoulders, narrowed
washboard stomach, and bulging thighs made her pause.

“
When you say it… I know
how it sounds….”

He let out a breath and shrugged.

“
You KNOW how it sounds?
It
sounds
like I’m
wasting my time with you. It
sounds
like I’m setting myself up to be hurt.” Picking up
her handbag, Samantha added, “It
sounds
like I should go.”

“
Please slow down,” he
said. “I don’t know how we went from ‘Let’s make a life together;
let’s have a child’ to ‘I should go.’”

Samantha stopped at the front door to his
carriage house. She turned to look at him. Even though every
molecule in her body yearned to leave, something in his face made
her stand her ground.

“
It’s me, Sami. It’s not
Alex or Alex and me. It’s me. I’m broken.” He shook his head and
turned his back to her.

Samantha wanted to leave. She tried to force
her body to move but she was rooted in this spot. She’d seen her
father in this very predicament. He’d told her once that the
bravest thing he’d done in his life was to stand in place when
things got hard with Rebecca.

Samantha was her father’s daughter.

“
Broken?” she said under
her breath.

He spun in place at the sound of her
voice.

“
The picture is from a
private memorial at the World Trade Center,” Raz said. “I go with
Alex because she started it.”

“
The World Trade Center?”
Samantha hadn’t wanted to speak, but the words just came
out.

“
You know I was
married?”

“
Alex told me,” Samantha
said.

“
Did she tell you what
happened to my wife?”

Samantha shook her head.

“
She jumped off the North
Tower,” Raz said.

Samantha’s face flashed: shock, then horror,
before settling into sorrow.

“
Yeah,” Raz said. “Landed
right in front of me.”

“
What?”

“
We started arguing over
dinner, Vicki, that was her name, and I. I knew something was going
on but I didn’t know…”

“
She was seeing someone
else?” Samantha finished his statement.

“
Seeing?” Raz snorted.
“Fucking. She didn’t care about him… at all! She fucked him to
torture me. ‘Waiting for the great detective to figure it out.’
That’s what she said. We argued all night. When dawn came, she took
a shower and got ready for work. The last thing she said to me,
‘Don’t play the victim. You did this to yourself. You don’t give a
shit about me or anyone else. You are
broken
. You were
broken
when I met you. You will
always be
broken
.’”

“
What did you say?” Sami
asked.

“
I told her that I loved
her. I thought I loved her. Fuck, Sami. I… I wasn’t the person you
know.”

Samantha took a step into the carriage
house. He took her hand.

“
Thank you,” he
said.

“
For what?”

“
For not leaving,” he said.
He led her to the couch.

“
I reserve the right to
leave,” she said before sitting down. She arched her eyebrow to
indicate her independence and added, “I’m willing to listen if
you’re willing to tell the truth.”

He blew out a breath and sat next to
her.

“
I showered; I think. I
don’t remember. I don’t think I shaved. And I… I went to work. I
was at my desk when the first plane hit the North Tower… where
Vicki worked.”

“
9-11?”

He nodded.

“
I knew she worked there.
I’d said it a thousand times, you know. ‘My wife works at the World
Trade Center.’ ‘Vicki? She’s a financial analyst at the Twin
Towers.’ But, at that moment, I didn’t put it together.”

He raised his shoulders in a sad shrug.

“
It never occurred to me. I
simply didn’t think the thought: ‘Vicki’s in trouble.’” He nodded
as if he was agreeing with himself. “I got the call; I stood from
my desk; I went to work. One. Two. Three. The streets were jammed,
so we ran from the precinct to the Towers. I arrived just as the
second plane hit. We… I… Someone… Fire Chief, probably, told us to
go to the North Tower to help people get out. I was running toward
the entrance when it hit me like a stone – Vicki works here!
Vicki’s here! My wife is stuck in this tower! I stepped back to see
which floors were affected…

“
I know it’s impossible but
I saw Vicki peer over the edge of the roof. She was wearing this
bright yellow shirt. I’d bought that shirt for her… silk… When she
came out of the bedroom wearing it, I thought it was a sign that
she wanted to work things out… that we were going to be all
right.”

Samantha scrutinized his face for any hint
of a lie. But his eyes were vague. Raz was lost in his memory.

“
I grabbed a pair of
binoculars from… someone. She was standing on the roof with her
lover. They kissed and then took flight.”

“
They jumped
off?”

“
Together… holding hands…
after kissing. I swear Sami, Vicki saw me and stared at me, and
only me, the entire way down. She had this smug look on her face…
as if I was getting what was due to me. I watched… I watched…
until….”

He stopped talking. His hands made the
gesture and Samantha gasped in horror.

“
They hit the concrete
about six feet from me.”

Raz took a breath and held it. He fell
forward until his elbows caught on his thighs. The story hung in
the air for a moment. She touched his bare thigh. He looked up at
her for a moment and then continued his story.

“
Someone knocked my
shoulder and I went to help people get out of the tower. I watched
my wife fall to her death and went back to work. Six weeks,
eighteen-hour days, identifying bodies, documenting the mess,
dealing with the families… Vicki’s parents. Her lover’s wife asked
for me by name. We’d met at some holiday function and she wanted a
friendly face. God… They had three kids. She had no idea her
husband was having an affair. Before you ask; I didn’t tell her. I
didn’t have time. If I wasn’t interacting one-on-one with a
victim’s family member, I was filling in paperwork.”

“
Paperwork?”

“
Missing person’s reports,
violent crime reports, and any other form we could find to stick
people’s information on. The paperwork lined up like mountains
around us. I think about it now and…”

He shook his head as if to shake the image
from his vision.

“
I slept maybe two hours a
night. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d hear her tell me that I was
broken. Her fall replayed on my eyelids like a movie. Ben found me
about three months after the towers fell. He asked; I agreed; and
bang, I ceased to exist. I had no family, no friends, nothing. Why
not be dead on paper? I was in real life. I went to work with Ben.
Broken.”

“
What changed?” Sam
asked.

“
Alex... and her team. They
had been around so many hostages that they knew exactly what was
wrong with me. They pushed, prodded, poked… Jesse hit me.” Raz
rubbed his jaw as if Jesse Abreu just punched him. “…until it all
came out in one stinking mess. I fell to pieces. Alex stayed with
me through the shaking, crying, raging, vomiting, and I don’t know
what else. Days? Weeks? I don’t have any idea how long I was like
that… at least a month.

“
I’d never known that kind
of strength, or kindness. She got me working out again, cleaned me
up.”

“
She always says you were
‘fat and hairy’ when she met you,” Samantha smiled at the
idea.

“
You should have seen her
team. At the time, I thought they were mean but… they were right,”
Raz said. “No partner of Alex’s was going to get away with being a
‘tub.’ That’s what they called me – tubby.”

“
And I was tubby. I was
emotionally, mentally and physically soft. They straightened me
out.” He gave a half-smile at the idea and continued, “Alex brought
me home to Max and John, the first family I’d had since Momma died.
By the time Ben returned, I had my feet under me for the first time
in a long, long time.

“
So, yes, I love Alex. I’ll
always love Alex and no one else. Because Vicki was right; I am
broken. And Vicki was wrong; I am capable of love, just not the
kind of love a wife wants or needs. I’m only capable of loving
Alex.”

Samantha picked up her abandoned wine glass
and drained its contents. Holding the glass, she stared off into
space for a few minutes.

“
What’s your real name?”
she asked.

“
Joshua Craig Peretz,” he
replied.

“
Josh. I’ve heard John call
you Josh,” she said.

She picked up a picture of Raz and Alex.
They were floating in the sea off Majorca. Alex’s hands were draped
around his neck. He was looking into her face and laughing. She
seemed to be saying something to the camera. Samantha loved this
funny, happy photo of her sister and her lover… Well, except for
the fact that they were both naked.

“
Have you ever…” she said
to the photo. Setting it down, she continued, “How many times have
you been with my sister?”

“
Been with? You mean have
we had sex? No Sami. We never have. I know Alex told you the same
thing.”

“
Because she’s
married?”

“
Because it wouldn’t be
right. We’ve had chances all over the world. No one would ever have
known. It’s not right. She and I are not sexually
right.”

He stopped talking. Samantha raised her eyes
in silent expectation for him to continue.

“
Alex says that becoming
sexual would ruin something in our relationship. She says that a
few minutes of passion would minimize a love so profound and
precious that it’s not worth it.” He furrowed his brow and
shrugged. “That’s how it feels… to both of us.”

“
What if that changed?”
Samantha asked.

“
Boy, Sami, I can’t predict
the future. I can only tell you what has been true for the last
six… no seven years.”

He watched as Samantha struggled with
herself. She could be so fierce and still so meek. He slipped a
piece of her auburn hair behind her ear.

“
I think that I want to get
married? To have a husband? And a bunch of babies? Big ceremony,
white dress, lace christening outfit, very Catholic.” Samantha
turned her head to look at him, she added, “But I break out into
hives at even the thought of living with someone. I like living
alone. I haven’t been to Mass in… years.”

“
You know that I’m not
Catholic.” His large hand reached for hers.

She nodded and took his hand.

“
Can you be monogamous?”
Samantha asked.

“
Yes. It’s not hard for me.
I’ve been basically monogamous to women in each city. I don’t have
an appetite for different women every night. I like to get to know
a woman. I planned on being monogamous to you while I am here in
Denver.”

“
But on the road? If you
travel again?”

“
You travel a lot more than
I do or will, Sami. What will you do?”

“
I… I don’t know,” she
said.

“
So, what happens on the
road stays on the road?” he asked. “What if….”

“
I don’t think I can do
that. You?” Samantha shook her head.

“
All of this is new to me,
Sami. I keep my word. If we decide something, I will keep that
promise until we decide something else.”

“
I like that. We make a
decision and keep our word until we make another decision. What if
you get caught up in the moment?”

“
I’ve never been caught up
in the moment,” Raz said. “Plus, I’ll travel with the team. After
what happened with Troy, we have to clear people through security
before we bring them around.”

“
You did that anyway,”
Samantha said.

“
It was my rule: ‘Vet
first; date later.’ What if you get caught up in the
moment?”

“
I’ve never been caught up
in the moment either,” Samantha smiled at him. “We are amazingly
similar.”

He nodded.

“
What about Alex?” Raz
asked.

“
I love Alex. She’s
wonderful, so funny, and great to be around. She’s my sister. And
she’s so alien,” Samantha said. “I guess I’m not surprised that you
guys have some weirdo relationship. I don’t understand
it…”

She fell silent for an agonizingly long
time. She shrugged her shoulders.

“
But I don’t have to. I
just want you to love me.”

“
Sami… I…”

“
I’d rather have sex with
you,” Samantha said.