Law and Peace

Law and Peace

 

 

 

Tim Kevan

 

 

 

 

 

All characters and events in this publication, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

For Michelle and my parents

The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

George Orwell,
Animal Farm

 

 

Time is but the stream I go a-fishin in.

Henry David Thoreau,
Walden

C
ontents

 

 

Cast

Prologue

 

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

 

Acknowledgements

A Note on the Author

Also by the Author

Cast

 

 

BabyBarista:

A young Flashman meets Rumpole meets Francis Urquhart for the twenty-first century.

 

TopFirst:

BabyB's former fellow pupil and, by the end of book one, his sworn enemy.

 

OldSmoothie:

Think Peter Bowles in
To the Manor Born
and the Milk Tray Man, but not quite.

 

UpTights:

BabyB's ex-pupilmistress. Insists on boundaries and personal space. Has ‘issues'. Against him in the Moldy litigation.

 

OldRuin:

How a barrister should be. Dumbledore meets Clarence, the angel in
It's a Wonderful Life
. BabyB's redemption.

 

Claire:

BabyB's best friend and a barrister in another chambers. Think Scully from
X-Files
.

 

SlipperySlope:

Solicitor who introduces BabyB to the dark arts of litigation and has a habit of misquoting from films.

 

Smutton:

Brassy to UpTights's classy and yet still, somehow, sexy.

 

TheBoss:

BabyB's ex-pupilmaster. Unscrupulous, spineless coward.

 

TopFlirt:

TopFirst's beautiful, bright fiancée.

 

BusyBody:

Barrister always up for a fight, particularly with OldSmoothie.

 

NurserySlope:

Solicitor who is Slippery's niece and apprentice.

 

TheBusker:

Barrister who is very laid back in his approach to both court and life, with the integrity and decency of OldRuin.

 

TheVamp:

Barrister in chambers and a walking
Carry On
film of an innuendo.

 

JudgeFetish:

Judge in the Moldy litigation with a penchant for ladies in particular attire.

 

BigMouth:

Pompous Tory MP stuck on the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum.

 

BrainWasher:

Hypnotist, mentalist, you name it.

 

ScandalMonger:

Ruthless PR guru who becomes one of BabyB's secret weapons.

 

HeadofChambers:

Well meaning, pompous and completely out of touch.

 

HeadClerk:

The real power in chambers. All seeing, all knowing.

 

ClichéClanger:

Solicitor with a colourful use of the English language.

 

TheCreep:

A jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers.

 

FanciesHimself:

Junior clerk who had a fling with BusyBody.

Prologue

 

 

Saturday 29 September 2007

Year 2 (week 0): School reports

 

I stumbled across one of my old school reports today and was intrigued to see what my teacher had to say about me at the age of twelve:

 

‘BabyBarista is always first out of the classroom and into the playground when the bell goes and then the last one to settle down afterwards. He is clearly bright and tends to finish set work much quicker than the other pupils although this does have the distinct disadvantage that he then starts to distract his friends with idle chat. Yet despite these minor difficulties he does seem to possess an unerring ability to remain just on the right side of the naughty line even if he sometimes avoids more serious trouble only by the seat of his pants. My concern is that as he gets older this is a boy who could literally go either way: up the ranks or off the rails.'

 

The report then concluded with the following remark: ‘I would hate to see him in court one day.'

Chapter 1

 

 

O
ctober
: B
igMouth

Sunday 30 September 2007

Year 2 (week 0): A tenant

 

‘You made it BabyB, I always thought you would. Tenancy in a proper barristers' chambers. You need never worry again.'

My mother was congratulating me yet again as we had breakfast together this morning. Ha. If she'd been aware of even a small part of what really went on in the last twelve months she'd have known that only half of what she said was actually true. As well as double-crossing my first pupilmaster, who was eventually struck off, I also had a hand in scuppering many of the pupils who were competing with me for that prized tenancy. I stood by as Worrier was encouraged to bring a trumped-up sex discrimination claim. I made it appear that BusyBody had posted a damaging recording of HeadofChambers online. ThirdSix had his court papers swapped at the last minute. Oh, and then there was also the small matter of blackmailing my rival TopFirst, after he'd fallen for a honeytrap called Ginny.

But as TopFirst said last Friday when he started to put the pieces of the jigsaw together: ‘I just want you to know that
I
know. I will never forget, BabyB. No one has ever beaten me at anything. I tell you now that in whatever career you manage to scrape together for yourself in the future, you'd better watch your back.'

I am a tenant, it's true, and now at least I might be able to help solve some of my mother's financial problems: problems that stem from the sacrifices she made to put me through university. But as for never needing to worry again, well that might just be a little premature.

 

 

Monday 1 October 2007

Year 2 (week 1): Lap of honour

 

My first day as a tenant and on the face of it at least, it's a job for life. It's now almost impossible for them to kick me out, which reminds me of the American saying that there are only two things that will kill a political career in Washington: being found with a dead girl or a live boy. I'm not sure what I'd have to do to be ejected from chambers but it'd have to be something pretty heinous. Although that's not to say it never happens. Look at TheBoss. After he was struck off last week he had to pack his things and clear out by Friday afternoon: departing in disgrace, his wig properly soiled, never to be used again. It makes me wonder what an old wig might be used for if not for court? Attached to a small metal stick, the rough horse hair would make for an extremely effective, albeit rather extravagant, loo brush.

As if to really rub salt into TheBoss's wounds, they've given me his old room in chambers to share with the lovely OldRuin, who still makes an occasional sortie into the old smoke. So today, with tenancy in the bag and after unceremoniously dumping my things on to the desk previously known as that belonging to TheBoss, I made my lap of honour around chambers, accepting the congratulations with great modesty and making much of the qualities of my fellow, less fortunate pupils, bless their little cotton socks. ‘Terrible shame that we all couldn't have been taken on . . . Indeed, I don't know how I was picked given the quality of the other candidates,' etcetera, etcetera, blah, blah, blah. The disingenuous sentiments I have spewed out today beat even those of TheCreep when he's sliming up to yet another QC.