Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (9 page)

Say what you will about Dane Cook, he had a gaggle of us peeing ourselves around a camp fire, regaling tales of popping a cashew off his wiener. Granted, all of us on this camping trip had imbibed in something or another, but for that night, Cook’s comedy album was our soundtrack, just as party records starring George Carlin, Redd Foxx and Steve Martin had been for others.Dane’s success—and perhaps his huge, rampant social media following—has bred contempt over the last few years. But when I spoke with him, the day before his “Retaliation” album debuted at No. 4 on the Billboard 200, he was an eager, funny and classy cat—if not a little bit cocky.

Corey: I just talked to Dave Attell, and he was jazzed about the big Las Vegas experience you guys just had.

Dane Cook: I did three dates with those guys. I thought the first two shows were amazing, but once we got down to Vegas … I thought it was one of coolest concert films. The House of Blues didn’t feel like a produced show. It almost had a bar-like feel to it. There’s people moving around, people walking in front of cameras, people in the back just standing up and talking. It was like when the Blues Brothers were there and the stage was covered in chicken wire. You know if you let them go, they will murder you to death.

Corey: Are you able to walk around in Vegas? Dave with the ‘Insomniac’ show gets hassled wherever he goes.

Dane: Dave is very visible and recognizable from the show. The last two years for me I still am in kind of a ‘wow’ stage. I do have a huge following. I am very interactive with the fans. It’s kind of like a wave. I know how big this wave is, and then when it hits you, it pushes you back. I did get recognized quite a bit in Vegas. I thought, ‘Wow, there’s a lot of people who dig my comedy, or there’s a lot of people who have seen my Comedy Central specials.’ It’s not like Dave where he expects it. I’m like, ‘Shoot, yeah, what’s up?’

Corey: You talk about how people experience comedy. Are you concerned about how your performance will be edited for air?

Dane: They sent me a copy of my performance, and I gave them some notes on what I would like to see. They are really cool about asking what works best from each of the two shows. Sure, some of the stuff is pretty hardcore. I’d like to think that compared to Dave and Sean Rouse, I’m not as brutal with the content. Yeah, we’re getting bleeped, and there’s some stuff that’s not gonna make standards and practices, but that’s what you call DVD extras.

Corey: Yeah, flippin’ nuts off your schlong, that’s G-rated material right there.

Dane: (laughs) That’s called bored on the road, baby.

Corey: How much would a round-trip ticket on the Dane train cost nowadays?

Dane: With this new CD, I think it’s $17. It’s one of those things. I’ve been putting this thing together for a few months, and here it is. Tomorrow it’s coming out. I wanted every element of this thing; this is what I love doing. I’m not just gonna whip something together just to have a new disc out. I didn’t even want to put it out unless you could have something in your hands that you look at and say, ‘This is energy. This is something happening right here.’ I’ve got a lot of old comedy albums, Richard Pryor, ‘That Nigger’s Crazy.’ And old Cosby. I still like to keep these. I like to look at them. I think for a whole long while, the comedy album was dead. It was in a major slump. They were crappy production. Nobody just wants to see the guy standing on the stage in a smoky, dimly-lit room, holding the mic. We live in a time where it’s like, ‘Show me the effort. Show me that you care about my vote. Show me that you want to get elected. Shake my hand, and make it worth my dollar.’

I love to do that. I like to put something together that people see is not just slung at them. It’s crafted.

Corey: These two CDs are two totally different sets. When were these performed?

Dane: They were both performed about six months ago back in Boston, same weekend. There were eight shows, and these were two of what I thought were the highlight shows.

Corey: How often do you change your material as you have done in these two shows?

Dane: I never have a set list. I never think about what I’m gonna do. And I captured a show. I took that show, and I put it on a disc. I’m the first to admit that because of spontaneity and kind of the way I do it, I’m not the type of comic that writes a bit and says, that’s done. I don’t feel like material is ever done. I’ll do a bit five nights in a row, and it will have a different ending. It will have a different beginning. I might be selling the bit angry one night and silly the next. When ‘Harmful (if Swallowed)’ was put down, I had to go back and listen to it before I toured it, because people embraced it so much they wanted to hear certain bits. I had to sort of remember how I did them because they wouldn’t be the same now.

With ‘Retaliation,’ again this is something that happened on that weekend. When you come out and you see some of the material, you’re gonna go, ‘The ending’s different. The ending on the disc, dude, it ended like this, and now you ended it like this.’ That’s because I’m different—in the way I feel about the bit is different. You’re kind of capturing a moment, and you feel that energy when you listen to the discs. This happened right then. It doesn’t feel formula. I hate formula. That’s kind of my comedy, always keeping it fresh and always morphing it into something else.

Corey: That’s something I think your fans appreciate. One thing I find frustrating when going to see a comedian who’s well-known is when people call out bits or finish the joke. You talk a lot about experiences that happen to us all every day. How do you decide which of life’s little experiences you are going to expand upon, like cutting in front of the guy at the convenience store?

Dane: When I got into a fight with a guy in the supermarket, that happened and I go, ‘OK, I gotta talk about this tonight onstage.’ It was like a no-brainer; I want that to be on the disc. There are certain bits that going into the weekend of the shows, I have them floating around in my head. I gotta do the hit by a car. I gotta do the guy in the store. I gotta do the love stuff—which is a little hard for me because I like to keep it free flowing. I kind of take a mental picture of what I’ve done over the last six months. I just do everything. I could probably put out eight different discs, because I’m putting anything and everything out there. Again, it doesn’t have to be completely polished, because it’s never quite done. I would work on it forever before I would put it out on a disc.

I just throw every mud ball against the wall. If it becomes a killer performance that night, I go, ‘OK, that should be the disc.’ I just go up there to play. I’m always just playing. Not every bit gets the same reaction every night because of how I present it. When I put the discs together, I want to paint a verbal picture.

Corey: If somebody were in the same place you were—the supermarket for example—how close to what happened is what the audience is hearing?

Dane: The observational part is I’m in the supermarket about a year and a half ago and there’s a couple fighting, and I remember hearing the guy say to the girl, kind of aggressively, ‘I don’t give a fuck if there’s jelly or fucking not. If I fucking tell you…’ Oh, I can hear it in my head. And she was egging him on, ‘I don’t even like jelly. You’re miserable. Why are you even questioning …’ They’re having this major argument in the supermarket about jelly. It spawned this whole idea of love and if you’re with the wrong person, you’ll fight about anything because you’re too afraid to break up, so you’ll try to kill each other in these fights. You have that whole bit. I work backward. I usually hear the ending of the bit in there somewhere.

A computer guy came over to my house the other day. This is a new bit I’ve been doing lately. As he’s trying to explain what’s wrong with my computer, he assumed I was an idiot, not knowing about computers because I had to call him over. The observational part of the bit, the ending of the bit is this: He finally explained what was wrong with my computer. He started doing this thing where he’s giving the components character voices to act them out. ‘So basically your hard drive’s like (changing to deep male voice), “Listen I’ve got a lot of information coming at me,” but what’s happening here, your modem is like (switching to Minnie Mouse-like voice), “Hey, you know, I’m trying to process …”’ And in my head I know I’ve got a bit. This guy is talking to me? I’ve had mechanics do that to me, too. ‘Your engine’s like (scratchy old man voice) “Ay-ah, I’m trying to push everything out.”’ So that was the end. That was observational/relatable part. Then I’ve got a fucked-up, twisted humor. I’ll work backward, and I’ll create the best possible set-up of what I think is funny to get me to where you go, ‘Oh, I know that.’ That’s the blend.

Corey: That’s a little bit how your mind works.

Dane: A little bit. Everything is always the work in progress. I knew when I heard the guy do that, it was a no-brainer. That’s going in the show.

Corey: You do sound effects and voices in your show. Have you been doing those your entire comedy career?

Dane: Yeah, my whole thing with comedy is, I wanted to be a comic since I was very young. I never remember wanting to be anything else. I would study comics. When I was very young, my family would let me watch Johnny Carson. I wouldn’t even laugh. I would sit and watch old Carlin. My dad was really cool. He let me watch old Pryor or Redd Fox even. I wouldn’t really laugh. My family would be laughing. I would be studying it in my head, going, ‘That’s funny,’ and more trying to figure out the tricks. I knew watching Johnny Carson it wasn’t so much what he was saying that people loved; it was Johnny.

When I started getting into comics, and people were like, ‘What kind of comic do you want to be?’ I said, ‘Well, I’d love to be a comic that isn’t really labeled. I’d like to learn as many tricks and tools over the years to try anything.’ I’m a naturally physical guy, but I want to use language. I want to use my vernacular. I want to expand my vocabulary. I want to paint better verbal pictures. I like to move around. I like to sell a bit and act it out. If a sound effect helps, great. If subtlety—nothing—works, great. I’ve watched the Bill Hicks; I’ve watched the Sam Kinisons. I watch all these guys. I’m 15 years in, and I feel I’m just starting to get good. I feel like I’m really, really getting good now. Part of that is allowing myself to not really be categorized as, ‘Oh, he’s just the physical guy.’ I want to be able to be in-your-face, aggressive, observational, silly, stupid, corny, laid-back, over-the-top. I want to use all those elements to put on a show. I still hang out in clubs almost every night, and I still watch most of the show so I can absorb and see what I can do to make my show better.

Corey: You did the Dennis Leary roast. How do you prepare?

Dane: They asked me to do the Jeff Foxworthy one, but I really don’t know Jeff. Sometimes guys will do those and not even know the guy that well. I don’t want it to be a put-on. I’ve known Dennis for years. I love it because it’s such a different approach to stand-up. I love to do anything away from stand-up, but still in entertainment that challenges me, whether it’s acting or music or whatever it is. When they say, ‘Do you want to do the roast?’ I thought, I’ve seen them for years. I like them. You have to time it out. You have to get it word for word. It has to be a zinger. It has to come off that launching pad a certain way. It can’t be like my stand-up at all. It was a mental work-out.

Corey: What did Dennis say?

Dane: (doing Leary) Fuck you. (laughs) Suck my balls.

Corey: How would you handle being in the roasting chair?

Dane: I’m sure I would get destroyed, and I would love every minute of it. I think that mockery is flattery. When people care enough to want to rip you down, you’re doing something right. I could take the heat.

Corey: A lot of people talk about their favorites, but what are some comic types you can’t stand?

Dane: Interesting question. You know, bro, I can watch anybody, and I am fascinated by the choices another person can make. I’m not a negative guy either, so I can always find a bit of good in anything. I can watch a comic who isn’t my cup of tea or guys who are strictly prop acts. I don’t want to say Carrot Top because he’s always the butt of a joke, but that’s not my first love. Yet I can still watch and try to absorb something that’s creative. Some people say that’s a crutch. I think comedy is whatever makes people laugh. I think comics that complain, ‘No, you gotta stand still. You gotta set up the punch.’ If you’re physical or you’re too blue or you’re using a guitar. It’s like, whatever works for you and makes people truly laugh. That’s the only point of comedy. If you can hit yourself in the face with a pan and get a big laugh. Is slapstick the way I was to go entirely? No. But there’s not a guy out there right now where I can go, ‘No, he sucks. I can’t stand that guy.’