Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians (7 page)

You want the low-down on a comic? Get to her pop!

In this case, Kathleen Madigan’s dad, Jack.

Papa Madigan shared with me a compliment paid to Kathleen by playwright Neil Simon. “He prefaced it with, ‘Some people think I’m a pretty good writer. Kathleen, I can write comedy, but I can’t perform it. You have not only the ability to write great material, but you have the ability to perform great material. And I don’t know anyone else in the business that could do that except Gracie Allen.’”

Not impressed? Well, the good, Midwestern, Irish girl has also befriended one of the all time late-night leaders, Jay Leno, who shared this with me:

“
She’s an excellent comic. Her material is not gender-specific. I like it because I could do her jokes; Jerry Seinfeld could do her jokes. She could do our jokes. It crosses all lines; it’s funny. I’ve seen guys fall out of their chairs at her sports stuff. To me, that’s the mark of a good comic when you can entertain any audience.”

Kathleen was one of my first comedian interviews back in the mid-’90s, when I was clearly still green, though she humored me well. Here’s a portion of that interview, followed by some of the chats we’ve had this century.

Corey: Being on the road so much, what kind of difficulties are there as far as personal relationships go?

Kathleen Madigan: Oh, they are virtually impossible unless you marry an airline pilot or somebody who is gone as much as you.

Corey: How long are you willing to sacrifice that for your career?

Kathleen: That's a good question. I don't know. I guess I'll know when the time comes. When I'm sick of it, I guess. But to me, being home two weeks a month is a ton. I’m home a lot, and I get bored very quickly.

Corey: How often do you get hecklers?

Kathleen: Not as often as the guys. First of all, I'm only 5-foot-1, and since I'm a woman guys feel a little more hesitant.

Corey: There seem to be a lot of vocal bachelorette parties at the comedy clubs, though.

Kathleen: Oh, they're the worst. And I'm a woman, and I hate to say it, but drunk women are the worst—especially bachelorette parties. They probably haven't seen each other in a while, and they want to talk. It always boggles my mind; why you would come someplace you have to be quiet? It's bizarre. Drunk women can be very brutal.

Corey: What was your first time onstage like?

Kathleen: I was nervous at first, but then when I got up there it was no big deal. I bartended for a while so I was used to talking to strangers.

Corey: When you started, did you have a specific set?

Kathleen: Yeah, I thought about it. People who don't think about it, no matter how funny they are, are going to find themselves lost.

Corey: You're Catholic. How far will you go with that in your material?

Kathleen: I'll go as far as I want with Catholicism. That's because most Catholics have a good sense of humor. So, they're not as rigid about making fun of it. You say something about Baptists in the South, and it could get really ugly. They take it very seriously.

Corey: Do you notice regulars that come to your shows?

Kathleen: Oh yeah, in every city certain people come all the time, which is great. I do write a lot, so it’s not like they’re gonna see the same stuff.

Corey: What about weird regulars?

Kathleen: Yeah, but you sort of get to know the person. There’s one couple in Detroit—an older couple—and they come every time and sit in the front. It’s so sweet but weird. It’s like, ‘Oh wow, they’re here again.’

Corey: Do people feel they get to know you because they’ve seen you a lot?

Kathleen: Yeah, but they do, because after a show I’m around. The old couple in Detroit, I’ve hung out and drank with them. If I was in Detroit and had a problem, I’d call ’em. You know what I’m saying?

Corey: Car breaks down, you know who to call.

Kathleen: Totally. ‘Oh, Kathleen, we’ll come and get you!’

Corey: And then they’ll tie you up in their basement.

Kathleen: Exactly.

Corey: You seem like a very laid-back person. Is there anything that gets your ire up?

Kathleen: The airport. I swear you’re gonna see me on CNN as the crazy lady arrested in some airport. It’s the Irish in me, too. The rules are ridiculous. My sister Kate said, ‘But Kathleen, Barack Obama is so full of hope. Don’t you have any hope left?’ I lost hope for this country when they took the pillows out of coach on American Airlines. If we can’t afford a three-cent piece of shit made in China so my neck doesn’t break, we have lost.

Corey: Will this be your first time going to Iraq to perform?

Kathleen: Yeah, I’ve been asked to go before, but the people that were going there were people I wouldn’t want to spend that much time with.

Corey: Good luck there. That’s pretty exciting.

Kathleen: You’ll know if something goes wrong, Corey. On the crawl it will say, ‘Kid Rock, Lewis Black and another lady went down in a helicopter crash in Kabul.’ I’ll just be an unidentified lady. You can call and tell them, ‘No, no, I know who that is!’

Corey: I’ll make sure they say something nice about you.

Kathleen: Please attend my wake in St. Louis and get hammered with my brothers and sister.

As years passed, I became more interested in what life was like for a traveling comic. I am happy that Kathleen offered a realistic depiction.

Kathleen: I just got off a crazy, horrible flight from Portland.

Corey: And you’re a big fan of the air travel.

Kathleen: Oy. At some point I wish a gunman would come on. (laughs) And just start randomly firing. And maybe I’d get hit and maybe I wouldn’t! Just start clearing some people out of here.

Corey: Other than that how’s life been treating you?

Kathleen: Oh fine and dandy. All’s good. Portland couldn’t get weirder. On my way to the airport I saw these bumper stickers that read, “Keep Portland weird.” I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem. Don’t worry about the weird. I prefer Seattle because it’s a little richer. At this age I’d like to know where the money is. Work is all good. I’m very sad about my friend Greg Giraldo.

Corey: You don’t have a dark side and your comedy does not come from that dark place. We do see a lot of that. Do you think it’s sort of a requirement to be that type of comic?

Kathleen: No, I don’t. About 90 percent of my comic friends aren’t that, but the 10 percent that are, are kinda famous, so everybody hears about that. Also, I do think our job will speed that up. If you work at IBM, you can’t just walk in and start drinking at 9 in the morning. People are gonna think that’s weird. If I go to the club and go, ‘Hey somebody get me a beer,’ not only do they do it, nobody thinks that’s weird. Technically, I’m at work.

If you are so inclined to behave like that, our job affords you a very fast highway to getting there. They will probably look at you oddly if you don’t drink. I don’t know about the drug thing because it’s never been my thing. A lot of the comics I really, truly like, but I know they do really crazy shit, I don’t go out with them after the shows. I politely decline. I’ll just stay at the club and have a beer with the disgruntled waitresses. I don’t need to be getting in a limo with Mitch Hedberg going God knows where. I’m too much of a goody two shoes about the drugs.

Corey: How are things on the road these days?

Kathleen: Great. I did an Indian casino in Palm Springs this weekend. They’re the best. They pay you an insane amount of money, and they don’t even make you do radio. They’re fuckin’ awesome.

Corey: How are the crowds?

Kathleen: Great. I don’t know how they do it, but they do it. They put up billboards all over town. If I had to put up a billboard in L.A.? Oh my God, I have no idea what it would cost. A million fuckin’ dollars? I’m always shocked they pay me. They do so much advertising for me for free. I wouldn’t say that to them. It’s a sweet gig.

Corey: I really enjoyed your last show. You’ve always been real, but you’re to this point now where you’re letting it all out there. You talk about the smoking, the drinking, the eating poorly. Who cares?

Kathleen: I don’t care. (laughs) I do not care.

Corey: When you are on the road with your opener, Jason Dudey, are you literally on the road together, spending a lot of time together in a car?

Kathleen: Oh my God, yeah. I’m in this gray area where I’m making more money and doing better than clubs, but I’m also not making enough and cannot rationalize a tour bus. It’s six grand a week. I used to have a different opening act. But we have 23 hours a day off that we’re either traveling or together, and the way we move so quickly, it’s bam, bam, bam. It’s not like a club where you’re there all weekend. It’s go, go, go. Some weekends are easier than others. The last opening act, albeit it a funny guy, we did not get along travel-wise. I have a blast with Jason. The road to me is still fun so I want to be on the road with someone who enjoys being on the road. Even if we’re in a shithole, let’s have fun. Jason is capable of having fun anywhere. He’s always up for fun.

Corey: Essentially, you’re living with a gay man.

Kathleen: Mmhmm. We’ve got this couple runs that are crazy, and I’m looking into a tour bus for some of it. It would be so much less stressful. This past winter, I said to my agents and managers, ‘We can’t do this again. We’ve lost our sense of humor. We’re stressed out just getting from Point A to Point B.’ It took us 27 hours to get to D.C. because of a snow storm. All you are is stressed out, thinking, ‘Can I get there?’ By the time I get to the stage, I’m so tired and stressed out. I care about the show, but all I am is pissed. That’s not funny. I would happily go out there and sign shit, like Lewis Black and Ron White do, if I had an hour to spare. If I go out there I’m gonna get stuck for an hour, an hour and a half, which is fine if I had an extra hour and a half. I don’t if I have to get up at 5 o’clock to catch a flight, to catch another flight to drive an hour to the venue. If a tour bus is sitting out back, I can get offstage, say ‘Hi’ to people, sign shit and get on the bus and go to sleep. It’s perfect.

Corey: I would imagine there’s a lot of comedy to be had on the road. If there was a camera in the car, what kind of show would that be?

Kathleen: It would be a great reality show. There’s a lot of weird-ass shit people in this country don’t see. Last week we were in Detroit, and I rented a car and did a tour of the worst neighborhood in Detroit. It’s unbelievable. I’ve seen some of it, but he hadn’t. I said, ‘You’ve got to see this shit.’ And I’ve seen downtown Cleveland. I’ve seen downtown St. Louis. I’ve seen the worst of the worst, but this takes it to a whole ’nother level. Fucked up. We had a blast.

Corey: It’s rare to see someone who has been a 20-year headliner. Is there a secret to it? How do you stay fresh?

Kathleen: The Brian Regans, the Jim Gaffigans, the me, we just never quit. We’re funny to begin with. We didn’t ever quit to go take a writing job for two years. Gaffigan branches out a little bit more, but he didn’t do that until he had a following. Half the battle is, don’t fucking quit. You have to be funny to begin with. I’ve been tempted. Not seriously tempted, because I don’t have much of a desire. I’ve been offered writing gigs, radio gigs, this, that, but I just said no, because I know the minute you drop out of the loop, it is so hard to jump back in. Again, I don’t have kids or a family where you try and accommodate all that. I understand why people quit. But that’s why there’s quite a few people that should be as well known as me or Gaffigan, but they’re not because they want to do something different for a while.

Judy Gold is a great example. Judy went and did the one-woman show. She went and wrote for the Rosie show, but that’s because Judy’s got two kids. My friend Chuck said, ‘I’m sick of the road; I want to go be a writer.’ But he was for real, a writer. He worked his way up, and he ended up directing ‘Arrested Development.’ But he made that a career, not something to do for now. I think if you’re gonna drop out, you’ve got to be serious about whatever you’re dropping out for. I think longevity; I’ve just kicked everybody’s ass, that’s all.