L.A. Success (23 page)

GERTIE ELLIOT

There you go.

LONNIE HERISSON

This is terrible! I look like a tool!

GERTIE ELLIOT

Yep. A tool people will feel so sorry for that they'll never
question your faith. You take a great looking, stylish guy and stick him in a
church and people get suspicious. They start testing him, and then they figure
him out. Go in like this, and you'll never raise an eyebrow.

INT./EXT. THE '78 ELDORADO BIARRITZ - LATER

GERTIE is driving and LONNIE is in the passenger seat. They
are headed toward Redondo Beach. With a cigarette in her mouth and her eyes
half closed to avoid the smoke, GERTIE fishes a piece of paper out of her purse
and hands it to LONNIE.

GERTIE ELLIOT

We're going to a Pentecostal church. These people have the
worst sense of humor. I've collected these sayings off of their signs for
years. All you have to do is use one or two of them, and you'll be in good with
everyone. I made those first two up myself.

LONNIE looks at the paper.

LONNIE HERISSON

“He got nailed for you.”
 
Hmm... “He turned his water into wine. How many times have you drunk
from the urn in all?” If this is what they like, I'll say it.

GERTIE ELLIOT

They do something you're going to love at this place. Just
follow my lead.

EXT. PENTECOSTAL CHURCH IN REDONDO BEACH - LATER

The Eldorado pulls into the parking lot. GERTIE opens the
glove compartment and pulls out an aerosol can. She begins spraying it on
herself as if it were perfume.

LONNIE HERISSON

Yuck! What is that foul crap?

GERTIE ELLIOT

It's toilet freshener—vanilla mint. These people believe
that the meek shall inherit the earth. That means if I walk in there with
Chanel #5, I got nowhere to go but down.

LONNIE HERISSON

That's weird...I'm so used to that scent covering up poo
smell that I can almost smell poo now.

LONNIE and GERTIE get out and walk over to the front door,
where a smiling, nerdy youth hands out programs. LONNIE takes one. He looks at
the title. It reads "How to tell your acquaintances they're practically
burning in hell already while serving food at a barbecue, part two."

INT. PENTECOSTAL CHURCH IN REDONDO BEACH - CONTINUOUS

The interior of the church has the feel of a warehouse.
There are basketball goals, retracted for today's sermon, at both ends of the
rectangular room. Folding chairs are arranged in rows facing a temporary stage
set up against one of the long walls. The stage is surrounded by P.A. speakers,
and there is a projector screen set up in the middle of it. A refreshment
stand, featuring an assortment of powdered drinks, is in one of the back
corners.

People are filling in the seats, holding their bibles and
plastic cups of sugary, fluorescent beverages. GERTIE and LONNIE head to the
front row, where JACOB and ABIGAIL RITTER stand to greet them. Both JACOB and
ABIGAIL look as though they have never seen the sun and have hand sewn their
clothes. Several worshipers watch jealously and whisper once they see GERTIE talking
with them.

GERTIE ELLIOT

And here they are, all the way from Kansas! Are you
adjusting to the area okay?

ABIGAIL glances around to make sure no one is close enough
to hear, and then leans in and talks softly to GERTIE and LONNIE.

ABIGAIL RITTER

To tell the truth, I now understand why the church relocated
us out here. When we signed up to be missionaries, I thought we'd end up in
Africa, but they were right: these people are in much more urgent need of being
saved. We only arrived yesterday, but I've already seen...

(Whispering)

A member!

JACOB RITTER

Now Abigail, that man was a long way away. You were in no
danger.

GERTIE introduces LONNIE. They all shake hands.

There is movement in front, so everyone sits down. A
DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR in an expensive baggy suit, and a motley collection of
musicians, all of whose instruments feature at least one sticker proclaiming
the varying extent to which Jesus rocks, take their places on the stage. The
DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR signals for the band to start. They begin playing a
three-chord song, the lyrics of which make LONNIE uncomfortable as they largely
concern being touched in an unspecified way.
 
The DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR raises his hands and begins to gyrate arrhythmically.
The congregation takes this as a cue and does the same.

LONNIE, confused, looks at GERTIE.

GERTIE ELLIOT

I never said selling houses was easy.

GERTIE raises her hands in the air and joins the others.
LONNIE, after much hesitation, does the same.

The musicians, worrying that even this audience will tire of
the same three chords, begin a disastrous improvisation, punctuated by
exaggerated facial expressions. No individual member of the congregation
wanting to be the kill joy, they all continue their embarrassing epileptic
communion.

GERTIE looks around and sees everyone's eyes closed in
intense worship. She starts reaching over toward LONNIE's fun parts. LONNIE,
feeling her hands nearing their target, opens his eyes and sees GERTIE's
serpentine, possessed eyes. The SUPPLEMENTARY TERRIAN DWELLER is attacking!

LONNIE HERISSON

ARRRGGGGHHH! Jesus!

The congregation imitates LONNIE, screaming “arrrggghhh!
Jesus!” LONNIE runs toward the stage and is quickly surrounded by worshipers.
He looks over to see GERTIE laughing evilly. Then, all at once, her eyes return
to normal, and she is surprised to see LONNIE dancing with the others.

The DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR steps up to the microphone.

DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR

Thank you. Please take your seats.

LONNIE, a bit spooked, returns to his seat.

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Whispering to Lonnie)

Wow. That was some show.

LONNIE looks at GERTIE suspiciously.

DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR

Last Sunday, I explained to you how to handle the barbecue
situation when you find yourself serving the burgers and dogs, or whatever your
main course be.

OVER-ZEALOUS CHURCH GOER

Amen!

DANGEROUSLY THIN PASTOR

Yes, amen indeed! But that was the easy part, for even the
most unapologetic atheist will listen to you tell him he's going to the eternal
fires in order to have that delicious burger on his plate. In part two of my
series, I explain how to go about it should you find yourself holding the
potato- or Jell-O-salad spoon, for no man will listen to harrowing news for
such a meager pay off. Without the proper technique, you'll find that your
heathens speed off, back to their wickedness, and you'll lose soul after soul.

LONNIE begins to zone out. The words become distant
mumblings. His expression is one of worry. He watches GERTIE from the corner of
his eye, waiting for the DWELLER to return.

EXT. PENTECOSTAL CHURCH IN REDONDO BEACH - LATER

GERTIE, LONNIE, ABIGAIL and JACOB exit the church. They wave
goodbye on the way to their cars.

GERTIE ELLIOT

We'll visit the house tomorrow. Bless you two!

JACOB and ABIGAIL smile giddily, get in their angular
Chrysler and drive away.

GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT'D)

For fuck's sake I thought that would never end! But you were
amazing. This calls for a celebration.

INT. ISLANDS RESTAURANT - LATER

GERTIE and LONNIE sit at a bar table at Islands restaurant,
the only restaurant that successfully answers the question “what if we could
combine burger-and-fry obesity with a tropical-island, grass-skirt theme?” They
are drinking margaritas on the rocks.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Do you have any idea how much money I'm going to make
tomorrow? You know, one beautiful thing about this city is that there's always
a fresh wave of suckers looking to move here. No sooner do you kick one weary
soul out than another starry-eyed wannabe is lining up to pay whatever price
you ask. That's why you never negotiate and you always raise the rent, no
matter how the economy is doing.

LONNIE takes a long drink of margarita.

LONNIE HERISSON

Yeah, I guess that's cool.

GERTIE does a double take.

GERTIE ELLIOT

What do you mean “you guess?” Are you going soft on me?

LONNIE stares into his margarita and then looks into
GERTIE's eyes, unable to speak.

GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT'D)

Ah...I see. You've fallen for The Gert. It's normal. I'm
powerful, mysterious, and successful—I'm in control and you aim to please. You
will make a great real-estate agent, won't you!

LONNIE HERISSON

I hope so, but it's not that. I've lost the best thing I
ever had in life, and it's finally eating me up.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Why don't you buy me another margarita and tell me all about
it. There's no love position I haven't been in.

LONNIE tells GERTIE all about his love life, his desire to
win Helen back, and how he feels powerless to change things.

INT. LONNIE HERISSON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

LONNIE sits on the couch watching television. He hears a
knock on the door.

LONNIE HERISSON

It's open!

The door opens. It's GERTIE, holding some papers.

GERTIE ELLIOT

I forgot to give you these. They're next week's targets.

LONNIE takes the stack of papers and looks them over.

LONNIE HERISSON

These are police reports...

GERTIE ELLIOT

I've got connections in the force. These are all from home owners
who have lodged multiple complaints against their neighbors. I'm going to need
you to study these and come up with ways to up the ante. One of the bad
neighbors keeps taking a whiz on his neighbor's property. Maybe you could save
up a few gallons and pour it all over in the middle of the night. I'll offer my
services the very next day. Just an idea.

LONNIE HERISSON

You came all the way over here just to give me these? I
could've got them in the morning.

GERTIE glances toward the guest room.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Well, I haven't said hello to your charming roommate in a
while. Is he in?

LONNIE HERISSON

(Calling out)

Hey Tommy! Come on out a minute.

The guest-room door opens, and out walks TOMMY, a muscular,
handsome Frenchman with a full head of wavy hair. His shirt is half unbuttoned,
revealing a tanned, hairless chest. He has an air of mystery about him. One
could even say he looked as if he were concealing something. He speaks with a
very light accent.

TOMMY

Gertie! I'm so glad you dropped by. How have you been?

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Coquettishly)

Oh, you know. Working away. A girl's gotta make a living.
Come have a glass of wine with us. Lonnie was just going to open a bottle.

LONNIE HERISSON

I was? Oh yeah. Let me go get that.

LONNIE gets up and goes into the kitchen. TOMMY sits down on
the couch. GERTIE sits down right next to him, even though the couch is quite
long.

From the kitchen, LONNIE hears small talk and laughing. With
bottle and glasses in hand, he returns to the living room. He immediately notices
that GERTIE has placed her hand on TOMMY's muscular leg.