L.A. Success (20 page)

LONNIE HERISSON

Thanks for inviting us over. I can't believe you want to sell
this place. It's amazing.

GERTIE shoots daggers from her eyes toward LONNIE.

BRANDI POWELL

Oh no! I've spent months having people decorate this house.
We're not going anywhere. Why don't you come in? Jefferson is waiting for us in
the living room.

They follow BRANDI into the house. JEFFERSON POWELL, a
sixty-something, white-haired grandpa who gravity has not spared, sits with his
legs crossed, a drink in hand, and a smile on his face that only a man banging
BRANDI could have. He rises to his feet to greet his guests.

JEFFERSON POWELL

Gertie! Looking as lovely as ever.

GERTIE ELLIOT

You old charmer, you!

GERTIE and JEFFERSON hug for what seems to be an instant too
long.

GERTIE ELLIOT (cont'd)

(Pointing with her thumb toward
LONNIE)

I brought the bigger half with me.

The gentlemen shake hands firmly and exchange pleasantries.
JEFFERSON maintains constant eye contact during the conversation, preventing
LONNIE from sneaking peeks at BRANDI, but after almost a minute of this visual
game of chicken, LONNIE cracks and whips his eyeballs toward the cleavage and
back. JEFFERSON smiles coyly to acknowledge his victory.

INT. THE POWELL'S DINING ROOM - LATER

Lunch is almost over. The kitchen staff take away the
emptied plates and serve the coffee. LONNIE is unhappy with the small size of
the cups and downs one after another, causing the server to return frequently
for refills. BRANDI is telling the story of how she and JEFFERSON first met.

BRANDI POWELL

I was about to give up on my modeling career and go to
massage school when my agent called. El Pollo Loco needed a girl to advertise
for its Santa Monica location. They wanted me to walk around on the beach in a
bikini wearing a costume chicken head, wings and feet.

JEFFERSON POWELL

It was love at first sight. I was there at the beach—

BRANDI POWELL

(Interrupting)

With that horrible woman!

JEFFERSON POWELL

(Giving a conciliatory nod)

My fifth wife.

BRANDI POWELL

(Indignantly)

Who later accused my Jefferson of being a cradle-robbing
pervert! It was so ridiculous. I mean, with my chicken head on he couldn't even
see how old I was. For all he knew, I could have been older than that
30-year-old hag by his side!

LONNIE has missed most of that exchange, as he is battling
away the frightening yet seductive prospect of doing a humanoid, bikinied
chicken. He realizes his brow is covered with sweat and wipes it dry.

BRANDI POWELL (cont'd)

He managed to slip a business card into the back of my
bikini bottom while his wife was taking a picture of us together. And then he
whispered something so cute!

(Nudging JEFFERSON)

Go on, tell them!

JEFFERSON POWELL

(Feigning embarrassment)

No...I couldn't. Well, okay. I said "cluck you
later."

GERTIE ELLIOT

Aw! That's so sweet. What a beautiful story.

LONNIE feels the effects of the eight cups of coffee he has
just drunk.

LONNIE HERISSON

(Standing up)

Could you point me to the restroom?

INT. THE POWELL'S GUEST BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

LONNIE splashes water on his face in the sink and then pats
himself off with a hand towel. He steps over to the toilet and begins to drain
the lizard. He lifts his head toward the ceiling and lets out a sigh of relief.
Then, as he gives a quick check to make sure the aim is still good, he sees a
rapid, darting shadow in the toilet bowl. Afraid, he stops his stream and jumps
back from the bowl. He begins to lean forward to look inside when there is a
soft knock at the door. He puts away his smooth unit and opens the door.

BRANDI steps in quickly and shuts the door behind her. She
looks worried.

BRANDI POWELL

(Whispering)

I have to talk to you, but you have to promise not to say
anything. Sometimes I think I'm just imagining things, and I don't want to hurt
anyone if it's not true.

LONNIE HERISSON

Okay, I won't say anything.

BRANDI POWELL

I think our spouses are having an affair. It's just eating
me up inside. These have been the happiest five months of my life, and I can't
stand the idea of all that commitment being for nothing. Have you noticed
anything strange?

LONNIE HERISSON

No, I haven't, but I've been working a lot lately.

BRANDI POWELL

We've got to start working together to keep tabs on them. If
you notice anything, call me. I'll do the same.

LONNIE HERISSON

Of course.

(Trying to look as weepy as
possible)

How did this happen?

LONNIE opens his arms wide. BRANDI enters them and hugs him.
LONNIE rests his head on her love pillows and his hand on her fantastically
firm posterior. After this touching moment, BRANDI, with a sympathetic look,
exits. LONNIE walks with difficulty over to the sink and begins delicately
unzipping his pants. Another knock is heard. A smile comes over LONNIE's face.
He rushes over to the door and opens it. His expression changes to one of
disappointment when he sees that it is GERTIE. She pushes her way in.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Out of the way. I gotta drain the clam.

LONNIE remembers something important.

LONNIE HERISSON

(Pointing emphatically to the
toilet)

But I think I saw a—

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Interrupting)

Tell me later.

GERTIE pushes a protesting LONNIE out of the bathroom and
then shuts and locks the door. She lets out a sigh. Then she stands in front of
the sink fixing her hair in the mirror.

The camera pans over to the toilet. One miniature, slimy
green hand rises up from the bowl and grabs the seat, and then another hand
does the same. They are so small that we can barely see them. The camera zooms
in very close. Then the SUPPLEMENTARY TERRIAN DWELLER lifts itself up to look
out. Its antennaed head looks not unlike that scary, middle part of a
butterfly. It is not much smaller than a dime. Upon seeing Gertie, it unrolls
its crazy snout with joy and then lowers itself below the seat and withdraws
its hands to wait.

GERTIE walks over to the toilet, hikes up her skirt and sits
down. After a moment, she jumps a little, as if having received a small
electrical shock.

INT./EXT. THE '78 ELDORADO BIARRITZ - LATER

GERTIE and LONNIE pull out of the driveway, waving goodbye
to BRANDI and JEFFERSON, who are standing at the door.

LONNIE HERISSON

That went pretty well.

GERTIE ELLIOT

What did Brandi say to you in the bathroom?

LONNIE HERISSON

She thinks you and Jefferson are getting with the doing. How
ridiculous is that?

GERTIE remains silent and smiles as she drives. She drags
deeply on her lipstick-stained cigarette.

LONNIE HERISSON (cont'd)

But there's something I don't understand. How is any of this
related to real estate? We never even mentioned selling the house, and Brandi
said she would never sell the place. I just don't see the point.

GERTIE turns her head to look at LONNIE. Her eyes are
suddenly reptilian, the pupils stretched out like those of a goat.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Oh, you
will
see it. You
will
...

EXT. CREEPY, DARK STREET - NIGHT

It is raining hard. LONNIE, wearing a trench coat and a hat,
hears a mysterious foreign voice call out to him.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off
screen)

Follow the sound of my voice! Let it guide you to your
destination...

LONNIE HERISSON

(Looks around confusedly)

Who the hell are you? Where are you? What do you mean, my
destination? I was on my way to get some burgers.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off
screen)

Follow your heart. Let it guide you...

LONNIE HERISSON

I don't have time for this crap.

LONNIE continues on his way.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off
screen)

(Sounding much less mysterious)

Go to the corner of 18th and Santa Monica

(The mysterious tone comes back)

Next to the Honda dealership...

LONNIE walks quickly over to a spooky-looking building. He
walks around the side, goes down some concrete stairs, and knocks on a door.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off
screen)

Come in, Mr. Herisson.

LONNIE opens the door and steps in out of the rain.

LONNIE HERISSON

Why have you lead me here? And hey, how do you know my name?

The candle-lit room is filled with elaborate contraptions of
dubious utility. Along one wall are a series of terrariums, in which many frogs
and toads jump happily around. A definitely weird kind of foreigner, dressed in
a gold, red and green silk robe, is bent over a work bench studying an object.
His long beard and mustache almost reach the ground.

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER

(Without looking up)

Long have our destinies been intertwined. I perceive things,
get flashes or hear sounds. I know, for example, that you used to carry in you
the Supplementary Terrian Dweller. You are here now because it has reappeared
in your life. But what I don't know is why I was inspired to install these terrariums.

LONNIE HERISSON

I listen to a frog-barking CD every night to get to sleep!

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER

Ah yes...I heard it. I suppose I could have saved some money
and bought the CD instead of ordering all these specimens. Damn. I don't suppose
you can return this sort of thing.

LONNIE HERISSON

But why are we psychically connected like this?

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER

You are the one who first brought the Supplementary Terrian
Dweller into my life. Its desire was to stay inside of you, but one fated
afternoon, you evacuated it into the men's room toilet of my vegan restaurant.

LONNIE HERISSON

The tofu chili!

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER

Yes. And I entered that foul room right after, becoming the
next host for the Dweller. When it entered my body, it merged a small section
of your consciousness with mine. You see, the Dweller was not happy at having
been evacuated in that way, and it was trying to lead me to you so that it
could transfer back.

LONNIE HERISSON

How did you resist?

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER

With much difficulty, and it made me pay for my
resistance.
 
I lost my restaurant due to
my obsession with killing the foul alien, and my wife left me. She simply
refused to believe that one could catch a Supplementary Terrian Dweller from a
toilet seat.

LONNIE HERISSON

But now you're free. How did you do it?

The DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER holds up the object
he has been looking at. It is a strange-looking gun with a small jar mounted on
the top. A tube runs from the jar to the barrel.