Kismetology (4 page)

"Look, we both know I’m not twenty-seven."

"Good, because then you’d have given birth to me when
you were minus two years old."

"Right. But Mac, I haven’t been on a date in… Well,
it’s embarrassing to admit how long. I can’t just turn up there and charm him
like it’s the most natural thing in the world."

"One—he hasn’t dated in years either, and two—he’s a
great guy and you’ll really like him. Seriously, you’ll be at ease within
seconds."

"What about Baby? He’ll be lonely on his own."

"I’m sure he’ll manage for a couple of hours."

"Can he stay with you?"

"No! My plants will never forgive me."

"I don’t know why you let that boyfriend of yours talk
you into buying plants, they always die, like that big thing in the corner of
your living room."

"It would still be alive today if your little dog
hadn’t peed on it. But that’s not the point. The point is, you’re going on
Sunday, even if I have to drag you there. I promise you’ll enjoy it."

"Well, what does he look like?"

"He’s tall, with dark hair and nice blue eyes. You’ll
like him."

"I prefer blonds."

"As do gentlemen," I sigh. "If he’s a nice
guy, why does his hair colour matter?"

She shrugs. "All right, all right. I’ll go. But what
should I wear?"

"We’ll find something," I tell her. "I’ll
come over tomorrow and we’ll have a look through your closet, okay?"

She nods.

Finally.

"Well, that was hard work." I flop down on the
sofa next to Dan when I finally get home.

"How’d it go?" He kisses the top of my head.

"Fine. Jeff was nice, and Mum took a bit of persuasion
but not as much as I thought, actually."

"That’s promising."

"It is. I have to go over there tomorrow and help her
find something to wear."

"Oh." Dan looks dejected. "I have the day off
from work. I thought we could do something tomorrow."

"We still can. I’ll go over there in the morning."

"Mac, this is your mother we’re talking about here.
She’ll do anything she can to keep you there all day. Looking through her
closet will turn into an all day shopping trip to buy Baby seven new
outfits."

I sigh. "Yeah, you’re probably right. But just think of
the result. If I’m right with this idea, Dan, she’ll be so busy dating that
she’ll probably forget you and I exist."

"Yeah, right."

"Don’t be pessimistic. It’ll work."

"I actually wanted to talk to you about this whole you
meeting the guys first thing."

I glance up at him. "You’re not jealous of some old
guys twice your age, are you?"

"No. I just don’t like you being out alone with strange
men, and I had an idea about it."

"Go on…"

"Bring them to Belisana. Whatever guys you have to
meet, have dinner with them in Belisana, that way I can keep an eye on you and
make sure that they don’t try anything funny."

"Dan, just how many men do you think there are going to
be?"

"This is your mother we’re talking about. The same
woman who once took cans of paint back to B&Q four times because she
couldn’t decide on a colour. A colour she still complains about now, might I
add. She’s never going to be happy with a guy. She’ll pick him apart until
there’s nothing left."

"You don’t know that. Maybe it’ll work out with Jeff,
and at their wedding we’ll look back at this conversation and laugh."

"Wedding? Sweetie pie, she’ll be seventy before she
chooses a hat."

I laugh. "Okay, so it doesn’t have to be perfect, but I
want her to be happy. She could be happy with Jeff. They have stuff in common,
he seemed very nice, and he has two dogs. What more could she ask for?"

"Don’t get me wrong here, I think what you’re doing is
great, but even you can’t honestly expect it to work on the first try."

"Why can’t I? He’s a nice guy. You just have to be
optimistic."

"There’s optimistic and then there’s delusional."

"For god’s sake, Dan. Is it too much to ask that my boyfriend
support me on this?"

"I support you. I just don’t want you to get your hopes
up. And I don’t wanna get mine up. It would be great if she could find a man
and leave us alone, but it’ll never happen, especially on the first date."

"We’ll see about that. I’m going to take a
shower."

I’m in a bit of a huff as I stomp up the stairs. Why can’t
Dan once, just once, say "hey, great idea, Mac. That’ll work" and
mean it? I mean, I love Dan, and I know he gets a kind of raw deal from living
so close to my mother, but can’t he just be supportive? I support him when he
wants to try cooking new dishes at the restaurant even when they sound
disgusting. But I do, because that's what partners do. And all Dan says when I
need his support in return is "yeah, like that’ll work". You never
know, it might. It would be so weird if it did. Jenni and I might end up
becoming stepsisters. I wonder if she’s thought about that. I decide to call
her, even though I’m still kind of seething at Dan.

"Hello?" Jenni picks up after the third ring.

"Do you realise that we might become stepsisters one
day?"

She laughs. "Dad said he liked you."

"I liked him too. He’s great. You should’ve told me you
had such a cool dad before."

"So, your mum’s meeting him on Sunday night?"

"Uh huh."

"Does she know that yet?"

"Yep. She’s agreed. I think she might even be a little
bit excited, but she won’t admit it."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Wow."

"I know. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and thank you
for getting your dad to agree, he seemed really nice and I think my mother will
really like him too."

"Are you okay? You sound a little off?"

"Yeah, fine. Just Dan, you know, being his usual
supportive self."

"Oh. What’s he done this time?"

"Nothing, not really. He just doesn’t think that this
idea of setting my mum up with a guy is ever going to work."

"Why not?"

"He says she’s too picky and it took her four tries to
choose a colour to paint her living room, so she’ll never be happy with a
man."

"Is that what you think?"

"I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it would
work. She needs to be happy again, Jen, that’s why she’s always over at mine
and Dan’s place. She needs someone of her own so she won’t be lonely. It’ll
work."

"Well, I say good luck to you. And to my dad. It sounds
like he’ll need it."

"She’s not
that
bad."

"I’m serious about what I said before," Dan says
when I come downstairs. "I want you to bring all the guys you have to meet
to Belisana. That way, not only can I keep an eye on you, but you won’t have to
pay for any food."

"I won’t?"

"Nope. Your entire date will be on me, and nobody
argues with the head chef."

"Seriously? You’d do that for me?"

"Yeah. Why not?"

"The thing is, whether a guy offers to pay or not is a
good way to size him up. Not that I expect men to pay for my food, but it’s
nice if they offer."

"Okay, so don’t tell him it’s on the house. If he
offers to pay then tell him he doesn’t have to. If he expects you to pay for
your own then let him pay for his own. We won’t turn down his money."

"You’re sure?"

"Course I’m sure. No point in dating a chef if he can’t
get you free food when you’re taking other men on dates."

I roll my eyes at him. "I’m not taking other men on
dates, Dan. I’m just figuring out if they’re good enough to take my mum on a
date."

He laughs.

"Besides, I have a good feeling about Jeff."

CHAPTER 7

Dan is completely right about the
following day—after spending an hour going through my mum’s wardrobe, she
decides that there’s nothing for it but for me to come shopping with her to pick
something out. And I really do think she’s a little excited about this date,
because there’s an unusual spring in her step. By the time we get home on
Saturday night, Dan is in work and my feet are aching. But I leave Mum—whose
worry about Baby miraculously dissipated when the credit cards came out—to fawn
over her new outfit. Actually, make that
outfits
. Plural. I’ve promised
to go round and help her get ready and put her makeup on before the big date. I
have to drive her there anyway. I feel like I would imagine the mother of a
teenager feels before her daughter goes to the prom.

Sunday afternoon is spent in a bubble of preening and
puffing. My mum is excited. She’s finally realised how lonely she’s been and
has realised that it’s not too late to start dating again. At least, that’s
what I think. It’s not like she’s actually said any of that to me, of course,
but a daughter can just tell these things.

"So, how do I look?" Mum finally appears from the
bathroom. I look up from scratching Baby’s ears.

"You look amazing," I say.

And she does. She looks very refined and pretty. She’s
wearing plain black trousers and a pale blue, billowing top with flowing
sleeves. Her slightly darker blue clutch bag matches her earrings and her
shoes, and her bare minimum makeup tops the whole picture off. She looks
lovely. And much unlike her normal self, which is usually tracksuits—she is a
yoga teacher after all—and too much make up—because, "that’s how the kids
wear it these days."

Yeah. If the kids used a shovel to put their eyeshadow on.

And look nice she might, but I realise I left out one key
part of the makeup tutorial—scent.

"Holy crap." I cough for effect. "What is
that smell?"

"Chanel Number Five. Zsa Zsa Gabor wears Chanel Number
Five."

"Not that much."

"But you have to make an impression."

"Oh, you’ll make an impression all right. Can you wash
it off?"

"What, all of it?"

"Well, how much did you use, half the bottle?"

"No, a quarter."

"You don’t need to be sarcastic with me, Mum."

"Eleanor."

"Mother. Just go and run a flannel across your neck and
wrists. Try to tone it down a bit."

"Okay, okay." She retreats back to the bathroom.

"Are we ready?" I shout upstairs.

It is nearly half past seven and while I don’t want to be
standing outside for hours, I don’t want to be late. Plus it would be just our
luck to get stuck in traffic.

"I’m ready," she says after a few minutes. As she
comes down the stairs again I notice that although the perfume isn’t as strong
as it was, it still enters a room long before she does.

She kisses Baby goodbye, smudging her lipstick on his fur.

"Mum!" I complain, wiping it off with a tissue.

"Who are you, my mother?"

"It sure feels like it," I say wearily, climbing
into the driver’s seat.

Jeff is waiting outside when I pull up twenty minutes later.
I flash my headlights at him and park in a no waiting zone. I’m not getting
out. This is their date, and they are welcome to it. Before I know it, Jeff is
around the other side of the car, pulling my mother’s door open for her. What a
perfect gentleman. I hope she’s as impressed as I am by him.

"You must be Eleanor," he says, taking her hand
and leaning over to kiss her cheek. "I’m Jeffrey, but please call me
Jeff."

"Hi," my mother says, giggling a little.

Jeff leans down and pops his head in the car door.
"Evening Mackenzie, are you joining us?"

"No," I say quickly, horrified at the mere
thought. "No, no. Just delivering your date. Nice to see you again,
Jeff."

"You too."

"I’ll see you later," I call to Mum. "Phone
us if you need anything."

"I will do, thanks darling."

Jeff shuts the door for me and I speed away, glad to have
witnessed the first meeting of what could soon become a great couple.

Dan and I spend the evening curled up together on the sofa,
watching a DVD
in peace
. Although it's nice, I have to admit that I
can’t really keep my mind off Mum and her date. I hope she phones later when
she gets home. I want to know if this is going to be the next great love of her
life. But apparently, my mother can go one better than a phone call. Just after
ten p.m. her special knock sounds on the door.

"Oh crap," Dan groans.

"Be prepared to be proved wrong, Dan," I jump up
to answer it.

"Look Mac, wave to Jeff." Mum says as I pull the
door open. I wave in the general direction of a black BMW currently doing a
U-turn in our street.

"So, come in. How was it? He’s great, right?"

"Oh yes, yes, he’s lovely." Mum sits down in an
armchair. I sit back next to Dan, who’s put the DVD on pause and so far isn’t
looking very impressed.

"I knew you’d like him."

"Oh, I do. He’s such a lovely man. So charming. He
pulled my chair out for me, and opened all the doors. He bought me a rose,
look." She thrusts it at me. "We even danced."

"You see, what did I tell you?" I nudge Dan’s
knee.

"And he showed me a picture of his dogs—he carries one
around in his wallet, like I do. So we swapped dog stories, and we laughed, and
he isn’t very fit but he says he wants to learn yoga. And he thought you were a
great kid. He was really impressed with you and said that I’d obviously brought
you up well…"

"Really? That’s great."

"I know. I feel like I did when I was nineteen and
courting your father."

"Except no one calls it courting anymore," Dan
quips.

I elbow him in the ribs.

"So, when are you going to see him again?"

"I’m not."

What?

"I’m sorry, what?"

"I’m not."

"Not?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Oh, I don’t know. I just don’t want to. But I had a
lovely night. Do you have anymore for me?"