Keep it Secret (3 page)

“Good morning, Daddy” I
replied, sitting up. Daddy smiled as he walked over sitting down on
the corner of my bed.

“Listen, Princess, I just
wanted to speak to you before Aunt Rose and Ava got here.” He
looked at me with concern in his eyes.

“Sure, Daddy, is everything
okay?”

“Yes, of course I wanted to
talk to you about Ava. I know you two were very close when you were
little but a lot has happened since then, she’s a different person
now.”

“How so?” I
asked.

“Your mother mentioned to me
that she’s a little on the wild side. I know you’re a very smart
young woman...but...Ava she’s uh...well...she was raised
differently. She’s—just be careful and use your head, all right?”
Oookay, that was a bit strange. Obviously Ava was a different
person her father was dead who wouldn’t change? It almost felt like
he was warning me and for some reason I felt like sticking up for
her but instead of speaking my mind I smiled sweetly and nodded in
agreement.

“Absolutely,
Daddy.”

“That’s my girl” he beamed
leaning over to kiss the top of my head. “Get dressed and come
downstairs to eat breakfast. Ava and Aunt Rose should be here
within the hour.” I nodded as he shut the door behind him. Jumping
off my bed I rushed to the bathroom to study the result of my
restless night. While I ran I bump into the dresser. Really, having
no idea how I did because it’s like five feet away from the
bathroom door. The dresser to body collision caused a glass
ballerina figurine to fall, decapitating the poor thing. Crap, how
was I going to explain this to mother?

Super glue it
is
.

I’m what people call a ‘bull
in a china shop’. I’m a gravitation pull to glass objects well,
objects in general, objects that eventually end up broken. I
seriously don’t do it on purpose, really. Picking up the
dismembered tiny dancer I place her back on her spot, her head
resting next to her legs. “I’ll fix you later.” I promise her
backing slowly away towards the bathroom. I entered looking in the
mirror and of course, lovely black circles surround my eyes.
Freaking fantastic I’d have to wear concealer to cover them up I
hated wearing makeup it always felt like frosting on my face,
regardless of how little I applied. Of course, if it was any other
day I wouldn't bother with make up, however, today was special. I
wanted to look nice when they arrived not because I was competing
with Ava or trying to show off—God no—besides there was no
competition.

Ava had always been the one
who got the attention between the two of us. It was no surprise
that even at thirteen Ava had the ability to capture the attention
of everyone in the room. She was gorgeous. I wonder what kind of
woman she’d developed into now at eighteen.

After numerous attempts to
cover up the bags under my eyes, I finally gave up. Deciding to
jump into the shower instead maybe the hot water would help.
Shortly after getting dressed I quickly blow-dried my hair. Mother
would have a fit if I walked down stairs with wet hair. ‘Your hair
looks like a wet dog Vanessa Rose, fix it!’ I could already hear
her say. Taking a second look in the mirror, making sure it was
mother approved, satisfied, I went down stairs. While I walked down
the massive staircase the crystal chandelier caught my eye. It was
gigantic so there was no way of missing it, after countless times
of walking up and down these stairs it easily becomes part of the
background. But today thinking about Ava I’m reminded of the times
she and I would lay on the floor right below it and stare at the
pretty crystals as the light reflected each flawless
prism.

“Hey, Ava?”

“Yeah?”

“How hard do you think it
would be to cut that string?”

“What string?”

“The string that's holding
up the chandelier.”

“That isn't string silly,
it's a wire. And very hard, it would be like cutting its lifeline.
Without it…it would break.”

“What’s a life
line?”

“It’s like what you need to
survive. Like, you need water and air to live without that—your
lifeline—you’d die. You would break like the
chandelier.”

“Oh, like my daddy and
mommy are my life lines.”

“Yeah, I guess you can say
that.”

“What’s your life
line?”

“That’s easy my
babbo.”

“Not Aunt Rose?”

“Mmm sure, her
too.”

“It’s so pretty isn't
it?”

“Yeah, look how the light
shines through it. It almost looks like it's twinkling.”

“When I grow up, I want one
just like this in my house.”

“Maybe your mom will give
you this one.”

“No, I’ll get a new one. I
don't wanna cut this ones lifeline.”

I’m brought back to the
present as I hear mother lecturing the staff. Quietly, I walked
into the kitchen and took a place at the table. Daddy was already
sitting sipping on his coffee reading his newspaper. Reaching over
the table I grabbed the stainless steel carafe and a mug. While I
poured Daddy looked up from his newspaper shaking his head in
amusement.

“I’m tired, Daddy.” I
begged.

“Well, you better hurry
before your mother sees you.” He warned taking a sip from his own
mug. I quickly threw three teaspoons of sugar, splashed some cream
in my coffee before taking a big gulp from the mug regretting it
instantly. Daddy snickered straightening out his paper.

“Mmm, that’s hot!” I burned
my tongue! Before Daddy could say anything mother walked in from
the butlers pantry.

“Vanessa Rose, are you
drinking coffee?” She demanded, bringing her hands to her
hips.

“Mother, I didn't get enough
sleep last night. Please just this cup?” I asked, careful not to
sound like I was whining mother wouldn't stand for it.

“Nonsense, dear, caffeine is
bad for you. You know that.” She takes the mug from my hands
replacing it with a bowl of fruit.

Smile and nod,
Vanessa
.

“Yes, mother.” I smile and
nod.

Ava

The two-hour drive to Vail
felt more like five. Blood stopped circulating to my ass, it felt
like it was ready to fall off I had to constantly transferred my
weight from cheek to cheek. Ascending further into the elevation my
ears popped reminding me of why I always chewed gum when we
traveled towards the mountains. From the corner of my eye Rose
shifted uncomfortably in her seat. This was equally awkward and
uncomfortable for her as it was for me. I can’t remember the last
time Rose and I were in such close quarters. It was pretty pathetic
how easily our relationship went to shit after my father’s death;
then again we were never really close. We got along just fine
before. I was thirteen so it was still pretty early in my teen
years where I wasn’t rebelling against her. Maybe, I was just too
close to my father to even notice that I was lacking a connection
with my mother. Being her only child and a girl at that, she tried
to do girly things that never interested me. I was always outside
ruff housing it with my dad. I’ve never been a girly
girl.

A sea of pine trees surfaced
as we traveled closer to Vail, the truck was instantly immersed
with the scent of forest only the Blue Spruce can produce. The
smell triggered the mental vortex in my brain to suck me into the
memory of the first Christmas without my dad.

The old wooden floor was
ice cold; a translucent blanket of ice covered the windows. I had
to stop turning on the furnace that heated the entire house, the
utility bill was way too high. Having the heater on all day long
would drain us of our money sooner than later. My solution was to
order the cheapest space heaters on Amazon, one for my room, one
for Mamma’s.

-I should have kept my
socks on. -

Mamma should be hungry by
now. I know because I'm hungry too. I boiled water and poured it
over the instant cup of noodles while I waited for the noodles to
soften I filled a glass full of milk for Mamma. I poured mine half
way.

-We’re running out of milk.
-

The stores are closed today
and there’s so much snow outside I’m going to have to walk in it
tomorrow. I’ll be wet and cold by the end of the trip. I hate not
being able to drive yet.

Placing the two cups of
noodles and glasses of milk on the wooden serving tray I grabbed a
straw and stuck it in Mamma’s glass before walking out the
kitchen.

-It made it easier to feed
her. -

Slowly, walking up the
stairs wincing as my feet burned from the brutal coldness on every
step I pushed Mamma’s door open with my elbow. She turned her back
to me as soon as I entered. I ignored the sharp pain in my heart
setting the tray on the side table that was closer to
her.

“Mamma, it’s time to eat.”
She didn’t move or acknowledge me. I wrapped my arms under her
armpits pulling her up then sitting her against the headboard.
She’d lost so much weight since May.

-It’s easier to lift her,
which isn’t a good thing. -

I’m glad I’ll be home for a
week, since its winter break I’ll be able to ensure she’s eating
three times a day. Taking the straw to her mouth she doesn’t
respond for a few seconds but she knew I wouldn’t let up, she had
no choice but to drink. Mamma sucked the milk down until it was
gone.

-I knew she was hungry.
-

Setting the glass down I
took the fork circling it inside the cup picking up a mouth full of
noodles I blew making sure it wasn’t too hot. I fed Mamma until the
noodles were also gone. She eyed my cup as her stomach grumbled. I
smiled because she was showing interest in food, so, I fed her my
milk and my cup of noodles. After she was done she laid back down
facing away from me.

I walked out of the room
closing her door taking the tray and glasses back down to the
kitchen to clean the small mess I made.

-We’re out of milk
and
noodles.
-

Unlocking the antique
alcohol cabinet I took the bottle of Johnnie Walker Black that my
babbo left behind to my room. Mamma was never a big drinker, so
there was a big collection left over. Drinking it straight from the
bottle I felt the warm burn go from my throat to my stomach.
Walking to look out my window I saw the entire neighborhood
decorated in Christmas cheer. Ours was the only house on the block
that was grimly dark. My eyes scorched with tears as I took another
drink from the bottle. “Merry Christmas, Avie.” I whispered to
myself.

“Merry fucking
Christmas.”

The car behind me honked as
the light turned from red to green bringing me back. My hands
shook, my mouth watered for my vice.
Damn
it, not right now!
I bit my lip planning,
plotting on how I could relieve this itch. I had a half-pint bottle
of Smirnoff in my satchel, which should do the trick.

“I have to pee.” I said to
Rose turning on the next exit I pulled into the nearest gasoline
station. Ramming the gear stick in park I jumped out the truck
grabbing my satchel I said nothing to Rose as I slammed the door
without meaning to. The florescent lighting in the convenience
store seemed to be brighter than normal, that or this itch was
making my eyes extra sensitive to the light. I don’t even smile at
the attendant as I make my way into the restroom. With a speedy
heart and shaky hands I fumbled through my bag until feeling the
cold glass against my fingers. Sighing in relief I managed to
steady my hands long enough to open the bottle cap and inhale the
blissful liquid. My racing heart slowed as the vodka made its way
into my bloodstream. The half pint wasn’t enough to get me drunk
but enough to help me lock away the spiraling thoughts of the past,
just enough to help me deal. With feel good juice washing around in
my belly and a quick crack of my neck bones I was able to take a
deep breath and head back. I exited the store popping three mints
in my mouth before getting into the truck.

Easily I drove around the
curving roads taking the well known short cuts, I knew the way to
Vail like the back of my hand. Before my father died we came up
here every weekend, birthday and holiday. It was home away from
home. During the summer months Vail was pretty busy but it didn’t
compare to when it began to snow. Tourists would flood the streets
of the winter wonderland that is Vail. Uncle Bill capitalized on
ski season renting out his condos and cabins. Along with making his
money off of lodging he owned stores and restaurants around town,
not to mention in Denver, Aspen and Breckenridge. Saying the Saint
John family had money was an understatement. Taking the turn to
enter the gated community they lived I felt a stifling wave of
remorse hit my unaffected heart. I haven't seen Vanessa in five
years, crazy to think we lived in the same state just a few hours
away but hadn’t seen each other for so long.

“I wonder if Dan still works
here.” Rose said just as I stopped the truck for security. Dan was
an older gentleman Dad would often smoke cigars on our trips
here.
Babbo
would
invite him over to the Saint John house for a game of pool and
every time without fail Aunt Cynthia would foam at the mouth. I
guess having the “help” in the house after working hours was
inconceivable. ‘Stuck up bitch’ doesn't come close to describing
Cynthia Saint John.