Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 2.2 - Head Shy (3 page)

Evan shifts his weight, slides forward a bit, and wriggles. "Oh, yeah."

Jeff pulls Dan back a little, kisses his temple. "Okay, we all good?" Dan nods, and tries not to let Jeff feel his body tensing up. Jeff runs a hand down Dan's chest. "Okay, well…." He pauses, and Dan turns half way around. There's a long pause. And then Jeff giggles. Dan shoots a look at Evan, then turns the rest of the way around and stares at Jeff, who is still giggling, almost cackling.

"Jeff?" Evan sounds like he can't decide whether to be amused or concerned. "Dude?"

 

Jeff looks up and shakes his head. "I'm totally blanking. I can't think of a single goddamn question."

The other two just stare at him. Evan breaks first. "Oh, you're fired, dude! That's it… no more 'Wise Jedi Master' bullshit from you… you're done."
Jeff shakes his head. "You think so, Padawan? You think you're

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ready to take over?"

Dan can't allow this to continue. "Sweet Jesus Christ, you two are both total nerds. I don't even… that's Star Wars, right? But, like, the new ones? Not the old ones, that, you know, came out when you were kids, when you maybe actually had some excuse for memorizing that shit?"

Evan shakes his head. "No, dude, that
was
my childhood. Maybe you and Jeff are old enough to remember the old ones, but a pup like me…."

 

Dan nudges a little with his feet, enough to remind Evan of the vulnerability of his position. "Careful, now…."

Jeff nips Dan's ear in appreciation. "Okay. Time to regroup here. I, uh… yeah, questions." He kisses Dan's temple. "Okay, how about some of the ones we started with earlier? This is… the no bottoming thing… this is new, right? I mean, you've done it before?"

Damn. It would be a lot easier to keep talking about Jedi ranks. But Dan needs to try. "Yeah. I mean, of course, right?" He pauses in case someone else wants to jump in, but apparently they'd like a little more detail. "Uh, with Justin—you know… we mixed it up."

"And before that? Before him?" Jeff's voice is gentle.

Dan takes a deep breath, makes his shoulders relax. He doesn't really like to think about the time before Justin, much less talk about it. "Yeah, I did. Sometimes."

"How did you decide? Who'd do what?" Apparently Jeff has found his list of questions.

 

"I don't know, just… you know. How you do. Just… whatever was
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needed. You know, what the guy wanted."

 

"You didn't care?"

 

Dan shrugs, keeping his eyes trained on a little scar on his knee. "I guess not."

Evan moves his shoulders, and Dan glances over quickly before looking back at his knee. Evan seems like he's about to jump in, but then he settles and lets Jeff continue.

One of Jeff's hands is snug against Dan's chest, and the other has been resting on his thigh, but now that hand starts moving a little, just gently rubbing along Dan's leg. It's pretty nice. Jeff gives him another little kiss. "So, we just need to figure out what's different between then and now, right?"

Dan thinks for a second, and then shakes his head. "Dude, everything's different. I mean…
I'm
different. Really different. It's like… it's like another life, or something. Another person."

Evan frowns. "Wait, you're different from before Justin, or you're different from who you were
with
Justin?"

"No, from before Justin. I mean, I guess a bit from with Justin, but…." He shakes his head. He really doesn't want these nice, clean, safe guys to know about who Dan used to be. But he remembers that Evan's already seen at least some of it, with all the stuff the security guys had come up with, and he hadn't seemed too concerned. "I was kind of a mess. I…." He remembers something else, and nods at Evan. "Your friend, that… Kristen. She said something about how easy it was for you, growing up, liking guys, everything—she said you were golden." He shakes his head. "I was… I don't know what I was, but it sure as hell wasn't golden. And I know I should have gotten over it faster. I mean,

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being a screwed up kid is one thing, but I was in my twenties by the time I met Justin, it… I should have had my head on straight by then. But… I didn't." He shrugs. "I was just kind of bouncing around, I guess. No plan, no… no nothing." He doesn't want to look at Evan, and he's glad he can't see Jeff. "I know you guys think I'm a bit of a mess now, but, seriously… compared to what I was…."

"We don't think you're a mess, Dan." Jeff presses another kiss to his temple. "A little complicated, sure… but you're not a mess." Evan reaches down and rests his hand on Dan's ankle, gives him a gentle shake as if to confirm Jeff's message. Jeff sighs. "So in terms of the bottoming, what you did before Justin doesn't really matter, because you're a different person now… but you were okay bottoming with him, so… where does that leave us?"

"I swear to Christ, I will look you straight in the eye as you fuck me blind if we can just stop talking now. Seriously, there's… it's not a big deal. I'll do it. I was being stupid, it feels good, I'm happy to do it." Dan straightens up a little, leans towards Evan. "I let this whole thing get blown out of proportion. Sorry. Let's go, right now. My ass is open for business."

Evan's lips twitch a little. "Wow. Sexy. Very sophisticated approach."

 

"Fuck you, Kaminski. With an ass this fine, I don't need a smooth sales pitch."

 

Jeff's shaking his head again. "Dan, come on, sweetheart…."

"No, man, seriously. I just… I don't know, it felt weird. But it's weird
not
to do it, too, so, what the fuck, right? Might as well do it. It's not a big deal."
"Or we could try to make it not weird," Jeff says softly. "Try to

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understand why it felt off, figure out how to make it better."

"Dude, you know, talking isn't magic. I mean, it doesn't actually change anything. I was who I was, I did what I did, and it's over and done, too late to make it different." Dan doesn't even try to hide the tension in his body, but he manages to keep himself from pushing right away from Jeff. That's about the best he can do.

Jeff pauses, and Evan nods. "You're right. But you know all that stuff, and we don't. So it's not about changing anything, it's just… if we know, we understand you a bit better."

"Okay, and if I know stuff about you, I'll understand
you
a bit better. How come this is all turned around on me? I said I was being stupid about the bottoming thing, you know I'll stand by it… so that's done with. No more therapy needed. Unless, you know, if there's something one of you'd like to share… I'm happy to listen. Maybe I can shine the light of my wisdom on things. It must be really hard for you to figure things out for yourselves, without me there to explain what you're actually feeling."

They're all quiet for a bit, and Dan sighs and sits up. He pulls his feet out from under Evan, and puts them on the floor, then leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. "Okay, so that was a bit bitchy. But, seriously…"

Evan's voice cuts him off, talking too fast. "The week before my parents died, my mom and I were supposed to go sailing, but I canceled because a guy I had a crush on invited me over. I told her I had a paper due, couldn't make it. That was the last time I ever talked to her, me lying and blowing her off."

Jeff doesn't say anything. Dan isn't sure if he's already heard this, or if he's just leaving it up to Dan to respond, trying to show him that it's not always that easy to be wise. Dan takes a deep breath. "Wow. You're…
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you're a total asshole. I can't believe you did that. I mean… damn."

Evan snorts out a rough laugh. "Yeah, thanks." He shakes his head, and Dan leans back against his leg. They're all quiet for a bit, and then Jeff speaks.

"In high school, the first time I had sex… first time for her, too, and it was fucking
awful
sex, especially for her, I guess… and she got pregnant. I hadn't known we were going to do it, and, shit, I knew I should use protection but I was afraid she'd change her mind if we paused, or afraid I'd chicken out." He leans back on the couch. "Her family was pretty uptight, she didn't want to tell them. My mom ended up getting involved. When Debbie—the girl—when she said she wanted an abortion, I was so relieved I thought I'd cry. My mom drove her to the next town to get it done. My mom could have lost her job, getting involved with someone else's kid like that." He shakes his head. "I swear, if I needed another reason to prefer men… Jesus, that was a good one."

There's another stretch of silence. It's obviously Dan's turn. He takes a deep breath. "There's a mom theme, I guess? Okay. I didn't know my mom was dead until half a year after she died, because I took off and left her. Didn't visit, didn't call, nothing. Left my sister too, even though I knew our stepfather used to beat her up whenever I wasn't around to take the heat. But, hey, that worked out okay, because she's fine now… oh, wait, she's not fine, she's wanted by the goddamn FBI, married to some biker asshole and hanging around with our loser father, who ditched us the first time my mom got sick. But I guess I can't be too hard on him, since I did the exact same thing." Between the two of them, Dan's pretty sure there's no new information in that little speech, but that doesn't mean it sounds any better saying it all at once. "So, you know, if we're having a 'bad son' contest… I think I win."
Jeff and Evan are both watching him, as if they think he might be

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about to bolt, and then Evan slaps his own forehead. "I understand now!
That's
why you don't like to bottom!"

 

Dan frowns at him. "You're an idiot."

 

Evan shakes a finger at him. "Now, no judging words."

 

"I'm sorry. I meant to say… I feel… frustrated… by your idiocy."

 

Evan nods. "Better." He looks over at Jeff. "So, problem solved? Can I go fuck Dan now?"

Jeff sighs. "I'm not the ass police. You two can do whatever you want." He cuts his eyes over to Dan. "As long as it's actually what you
want
."

Dan doesn't really want to do anything but burrow into a big warm bed and not think about anything for as long as possible; he sure doesn't feel like having sex. But he wants this over with. He can't explain, to himself or to anyone else, why he hasn't felt comfortable bottoming, but he thinks maybe he just needs to power past it. Talking hasn't helped, and it's just made him feel stupid and more uncomfortable than before. Maybe if they can ditch Jeff, he can get his hands on some liquor, get drunk enough that the whole thing will just be funny, and then once he's done it once, it'll be fine. He
did
used to enjoy it, at least sometimes. Well, before Justin, generally he'd been drunk or high for it, but either or both of those could still be arranged, especially if Jeff isn't involved. And with Justin, it had been good. Not always, and Justin had been really patient, really gentle; if they were just having a quickie, they generally wouldn't fuck at all, but if they did, it would be Dan topping. It was just quicker. Easier. Less… something. But when they'd done it, taken their time, when Dan had let Justin in, it had been….
"Yeah, no." Evan's voice is flat. "I guess not, not tonight."

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Dan looks up. "What? No, wait… we can. I was just thinking, or something."

 

"Dude, you looked like you were planning your own execution."

 

"No, that's… that's just what I look like when I think."

"I've seen you think before, Dan—it didn't look like that." Evan slides down the couch and rests his chin on Dan's shoulder. "It's okay, dude. Seriously. I don't… I don't really care if I get to do it… I just…." He casts his eyes down, then sneaks a quick kiss to the spot below Dan's ear. He's almost whispering when he continues. "I just want you to want it. You know?"

Dan lets that sink in for a second. And, yes, he does know. He nods, and looks down at his hands, clasped between his open knees. "I want me to want it, too."

Evan looks at him for a few heartbeats, and then nods. "Yeah. Okay." He grins. "You be sure to let me know, okay?" Dan doesn't say anything, and Evan leans forward and wraps his arms around Dan, then leans back, dragging Dan with him. "Okay?" He wraps his legs around Dan's, wriggling around until they're both lying on the couch, their feet tangled up on Jeff's lap, and Jeff rests his hands on their ankles and watches with fond amusement. "Okay?" Evan whispers into Dan's ear.

"Yeah, okay," Dan whispers back, and he lets his body relax into the strange, complicated embrace.
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CHAPTER TWO

Dan wakes up slowly. He's burrowed in under the covers—a lot of covers. He's almost too warm, but… no. He's just right. He's not fully conscious, but he's at the place where he could go either way, struggle towards consciousness or drift back into warm, comfortable sleep. He barely knows where he is, but he's somehow aware that he doesn't need to get up early today, and he lets himself drift.

A while later, there's movement in the blankets around his head, and he tries to burrow in deeper. He hears a low, rumbling noise that some part of his brain identifies as Jeff's chuckle, and he grabs hold of a handful of blanket, pulling it up over his face, over his ears. But there's resistance, something pulling on the covers, and he bats at whatever it is with his other hand, eyes still closed. "G'waaay."

There's a voice now. Evan. The morning-bastard himself. "I don't get it. Six days a week, he's at work by dawn. On the seventh day…."

"And on the seventh day, he rested." That's Jeff, and at least
he
seems to understand, and Dan nudges over a little in that direction, hoping to be saved from Evan. But there's no sanctuary to be found. "No, sweetheart, wake up… we've got breakfast almost made."

Dan briefly considers that. If only there was some way to eat and sleep at the same time. But there isn't, so he pulls the covers back up. "I'mmm 'sleep," he mumbles.
The covers are pulled back again, and Dan actually bounces a little

Head Shy | Kate Sherwood