Just Stay (33 page)

Evan sighs, as though in pain.

"I know," he says softly, and his voice is full of sad regret. "I know. I just... I didn't know what to say."

"You could have said
some
thing," Seb says softly, looking back at him. "Anything. It was like you weren't even here. Felt like you hated me, like I was... like I repelled you."

The words hurt to say, but they're true and have to be said. And Evan just looks at him, clearly fighting tears now, although the silent kind, the kind that only shows in his eyes. He nods.

"I know," he repeats. "And I'm so sorry. I never meant for that to happen. I didn't know what to do, I just shut down. I―"

For a moment, he looks like he's about to move closer to Seb, but decides against it.

"I never meant to hurt you," he says, green eyes sad and pleading. "I never meant to make you feel like that. I never wanted that."

He shakes his head, chewing his bottom lip.

"And the stuff I said to you..." He grimaces, almost as though thinking about it causes him physical pain. "I hated myself for it. Still do. None of it was true, I don't..."

He exhales heavily and looks down at the floor again.

"The minute I left," he continues, "I regretted it. I wished I hadn't left, but I couldn't come back here, not after what I'd said, what I'd done. So I stayed away. I figured, I didn't deserve to come back."

Evan fidgets, where he stands, and Seb doesn't say a thing. Instead, he lets him speak, lets him explain. He knows how hard this kind of thing is for Evan, and he knows how important it is to let him talk, when he so clearly needs to. And after several days of the opposite, Seb is honestly just so glad to hear him talk to him again.

"I couldn't even bring myself to call you," Evan continues. "'Cause I didn't know what to say."

He scoffs bitterly.

"And I couldn't even pick up when you called," he says, "because I didn't know what to say. I couldn't even understand why you called, at all. I was so sure I had ruined everything, that I couldn't come back."

He looks up at Seb then, tentatively.

"Then I got your message," he says, and Seb reacts. So it did come through. And Evan listened to it. "And I thought that maybe, there was still a shot."

He sounds downright scared, beneath that soft pleading, and Seb just looks at him. He can feel the sad concern in own eyes, and he's certain Evan can see it, too.

He wants to do something, wants to put his arms around Evan and pull him as close as he possibly can, and just feel him there. But he is afraid to―after several days of being rejected, both physically and emotionally, he's afraid to even look at Evan for too long.

It's as though Evan can tell what he's thinking, because he looks so sad when he sees Seb's expression, that it's simply heartbreaking.

"I just want to come back," Evan says, when Seb doesn't respond, his voice breaking. "I want to come home."

That does it.

Seb isn't sure if he moves closer to Evan, if it's the other way around, or if they somehow meet halfway, but suddenly, he's holding Evan, arms wrapped tightly around his muscled frame, burrowing his face into the side of his neck. And Evan holds him so tightly that it almost hurts, but even if it does, Seb doesn't care. He is just so relieved, so glad to have Evan close to him again, and he closes his eyes, practically squeezes them shut, as he breathes him in.

Seb can both feel and hear the deep, relieved exhale from Evan, as those arms tighten around him, pulling him as close as possible, and the way Evan murmurs kisses into his hair, one hand softly placed by the back of his head. Seb feels it, and he savors it, without saying a word.

He doesn't have to say anything. Evan has said what needs to be said, and Seb has said what needs to be said, through that voicemail he left what feels like ages ago. It feels as though the whole world has changed since then.

They just stand like that for a pretty long time, just holding each other, clinging to each other, as though they might be ripped apart if they let up for just a second. After a little while, though, they loosen their grip just the slightest bit, and settle slowly against each other, softly, shaping their bodies to fit the other.

"You wanna talk about it?" Seb asks, carefully, and he hears Evan sigh softly.

"Later," he says, voice slightly muffled, as he kisses Seb's hair. "Right now, I just want this."

Seb nods.

"Okay."

They lapse back into silence, and Seb exhales slowly, closing his eyes against the coarse stubble of Evan's cheek. He absently moves one hand up, slowly sliding it up along the side of Evan's neck, fingertips gently pulling through that rain-wet hair the slightest bit, and Evan softens against him.

Suddenly, Seb just feels so acutely aware of it, of how Evan feels, how he smells,  how he tenses up underneath his touch. And those warm, calloused hands settle against Seb's waist, before slowly sliding down, to reach underneath Seb's t-shirt and touch his skin.

Seb breathes in deeply, head suddenly almost spinning from the sheer presence of Evan, from the way he touches him, the way he feels. From how his skin tastes against Seb's tongue, as Seb plants a slow, burning kiss against the pulse of his throat.

He isn't sure what he's doing. He just really needs this, and he can tell that Evan does, too.

Evan's hands move further up along Seb's waist, under his shirt, tightening their grip ever so slightly at the pressure of Seb's mouth against his skin.

"I missed you," Evan murmurs, his voice sounding subdued, wrecked and almost sad, all at once, and Seb exhales.

"I know," he says, nearly whispering against the skin just below Evan's ear, making Evan noticeably tense up. He kisses him there, pulling his fingers further up into that short, wet hair. "I'm just glad you're home."

He pulls away the slightest bit then, just enough to be able to look at Evan, to see his face, to savor those beautiful, green eyes and that lightly freckle-dusted skin.

"I missed you so much," he says, his voice low and more emotional than he's used to hearing from himself. But it's true. It doesn't matter that Evan was right here, almost this whole time, because he
wasn't,
not really. He was somewhere else for the past several days, and Seb missed him so much that it turned into an almost physical ache. Now that he has him here again, he never wants to let him go.

He still misses him. He needs him closer.

There are only a couple of inches between them, and Evan just looks at him, eyes bright, before moving one hand up to gently hold Seb's chin between his fingers. It sends an immediate rush through Seb's body, as he feels it, and for a moment, he can't help but wonder why. But then he remembers.

Another time Evan did that, was about a year ago. It was their first kiss, after admitting how they felt about each other. Granted, not their
first
first kiss, but the first one as a couple. The first kiss they shared without any confusion or doubt, the first time just being with each other simply because they wanted to, because they
needed
to, as proof of what their relationship had just changed into.

Seb remembers it vividly. He remembers the look in Evan's eyes, that terrified, fierce determination, the way it made Seb simply stare, mesmerized, shocked and kind of scared.

There is no such look in Evan's eyes, this time. This time, there is just complete and utter affection, devotion,
love
, as he looks at Seb, whose eyes are focused on his. It feels safe and strong, but at the same time, Seb feels like he will never quite stop being terrified of it, of the way you can simply love someone so much. It still blows his mind, how he can just
love
Evan so much, how he can
need
him like this. And it blows his mind even more, that Evan feels the exact same way.

Evan just looks at him for a few more seconds, as though trying to memorize every inch of his face. Then he leans in slightly, and Seb is sure he's going to kiss him. But he doesn't. Instead, Evan so softly plants a kiss at the corner of his mouth, before brushing his lips along the outline of his jaw, barely hinting at a kiss, and Seb closes his eyes. He inhales deeply, slowly, as Evan moves his lips over his cheekbone, before softly kissing his temple, just below his eyebrow.

Seb lets out his deep breath, his skin suddenly burning, crackling with energy, with heat. He tightens his grip on Evan's hair ever so slightly, patiently letting Evan map out his face with his lips. And Evan's hand against his waist, against his skin, tightens its grip just the slightest bit, Evan exhaling slowly.

Evan's hair is wet, Seb realizes. Wet from the rain. Just like that time, the first time, which feels like forever ago. His shirt is wet too, drenched, and Seb suddenly feels his entire body buzzing.

He remembers that, the first time. He remembers the two of them kissing against the side of Evan's car, kissing like they had been apart for years, both of them getting soaked from the rain. He remembers them eagerly pulling each other's clothes off in the dorm room, awkwardly making their way to Evan's bed and falling down, hands all over each other.

He remembers the oddly satisfying sensation of gripping onto Evan's rain-wet hair, those warm hands sending tendrils of fire all over his skin, and the way it all felt so new and hot and perfect, like Seb hadn't wanted anything more in his entire life, than he wanted that.

He still misses Evan. He needs him closer.

Seb knows what will happen if he kisses Evan, now. He knows that it will be like igniting a gunpowder-keg, and that there will be no stopping them. He knows that the tension between them, the missing each other and the fighting and the reconciliation, will all ignite, and it will send them completely over the edge.

The sheer sensation of knowing that feels like molten heat, slowly moving underneath the surface, ready to explode, and Seb wonders if he has ever felt it so intensely, before. Not that he would remember it right now, if he had. He can't think, too wrapped up in the way his heart is suddenly pounding against his ribcage, his breathing becoming heavier.

He has missed Evan so much. He has missed him more than he ever thought he could miss anyone.

And he still misses him. He needs him closer.

Seb's lips almost fumble as they found Evan's, desperately pressing themselves against them, Seb breathing in deeply, as though he can take in Evan's very essence in just one kiss. And Evan wastes no time, in his response.

In just a second, Evan's hand finds its way to the back of Seb's neck, the other still firmly planted by his waist, pulling him closer and pressing their bodies together as close as he possibly can. And Seb almost loses his breath at the sheer intensity of it, gripping tightly onto Evan's soaking wet hair, crushing his mouth against his own.

It isn't enough. He needs him closer.

Seb finds himself pushing forward, pushing against Evan until he hits the wall that's right behind him, before sliding his hand down along his back and over his ass, grinding against him. The surprise is obvious on Evan's part, but he doesn't object. Instead, he groans against Seb's lips, moving both his hands down to Seb's hips, as Seb keeps a firm grip on his hair, keeping his head in place, his tongue pushing into his mouth.

Seb tries to remember how to breathe. His head is really spinning now, everything starting to blur together. Nothing matters anymore. Only Evan. Only Evan, and the way his body feels against him, the way his tongue feels in his mouth, the way he tastes, the way holds onto Seb so tightly and kisses him like he wants to brand him, for the world to see. Like he wants Seb to remember this for the rest of his life―and Seb is pretty sure that he will.

It's through a mess of incoherent murmurs and heavy breathing that they somehow decide to move out of the living room and into the bedroom, barely pulling apart for a second, Evan kicking off his shoes, on the way.

Seb isn't entirely sure how they manage, but suddenly, he finds himself sliding his hands underneath Evan's soaking wet t-shirt and practically peeling it off his skin, before dumping it on the bedroom floor. He awkwardly tugged off the button-up shirt on the way here, but the t-shirt underneath was just as drenched, and he's glad to have them both off, so he can touch Evan properly.

Evan's skin is hot and wet underneath his eager hands, and Seb plants a hard kiss against Evan's collarbone, moving up along his throat and tasting heat and sweat and rainwater on his skin. Evan groans, roughly tugging at Seb's t-shirt, before Seb takes the hint and pulls away just enough for Evan to take it off of him.

They aren't apart for more than a second, mouths crashing together and hands smoothing over bare skin, leaving heated trails, as they clumsily make their way over to the bed, falling down onto the memory foam mattress, limbs tangled and fingers eagerly unzipping jeans.

Seb ends up on his back, more by accident than by design, and it feels like only a matter of seconds, before they both manage to get their pants off and toss them to the floor, Seb's hands eagerly sliding in underneath Evan's underwear, down over his ass. Evan groans against his lips, as Seb roughly pulls him downwards, grinding against him. He's so hard it was almost painful, at this point, and Evan is having the exact same reaction, gritting his teeth and moving his face away from Seb's, so he can bury it against the crook of Seb's neck.

"Seb," he breathes raggedly, sending shivers up Seb's spine. "Fuck, I've missed you so much."

He sounds wrecked, desperate, and Seb moans as Evan plants slow, burning kisses against his throat, nipping the skin gently with his teeth and smoothing it over with his tongue.

"I love you." Evan still sounds wrecked, almost as though he's in some kind of exquisite pain. "I love you."

Seb grabs onto his hair then, pulling him back up, so that he can kiss him fiercely, deeply, almost as though they're fused together. He needs him closer,
closer.

"And I love you so much, it's stupid," he musters, not wanting to take his lips away from Evan's for more than a split second.