Just Stay (15 page)

"What?" she says, as though she isn't quite sure she heard him right. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Seb says, a bit too quickly.

"Sebastian―"

"Really, mom," he says. "It's nothing."

She seems to hesitate for a moment.

"Relaxed, as in non-school related?" she asks carefully, with the typical air of a curious mother, and Seb sighs.

"Mom," he tries, but he doesn't stand a chance.

"Is it a girl?"

And there it is. Those four words that leave Seb speechless. His mother, though, interprets his silence in her own way.

"I knew it," she says. He can hear her smiling conspiringly. "About time. Who is she?"

Seb doesn't answer her. How is he supposed to answer that, anyway? This isn't exactly how he planned on coming out to his mother, but he can't lie to her, either.

"It is a girl, right?" his mother says after a few moments, and Seb swallows hard. "Not drugs, or anything?"

Seb actually rolls his eyes then.

"No, mom," he says tiredly. "It's not drugs."

Though, it might as well be
, he thinks to himself, remembering the conversation he and Evan had the other day. Evan is practically like drugs. The sweetest, very best kind of drugs, that leave Seb completely wrecked and elated, all at the same time.

"So a girl," his mother says. Seb still doesn't answer. And after a few moments of silence, Eleanor sighs, giving in.

"Alright," she says. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. Either way, it's nice to know you're not completely buried in schoolwork anymore."

Seb is vaguely aware of how relieved he suddenly feels, like he just dodged a bullet.

"But you still need to call home more often," his mom reprimands, and Seb nods, even though she can't see him.

"I will," he says. "Promise."

"I'll hold you to that," his mother says, before sounding as though she turns away from the phone for a moment. Then she comes back. "Dad says hi."

Seb swallows, almost nervously.

"Say hi back," he says, and his mother passes on the message on the other end.

"I have to go," she says after a moment. "But you be good, okay?"

"I'll try," Seb says dryly, and he hears his mother smile.

"Alright," she says. "I love you."

"Love you, too."

And with that, they hang up, and Seb takes the phone from his ear. He taps the screen to exit the call, and frowns when he notices how his background has been changed. Instead of the one he usually has, there is now a picture of Evan making a face, and Seb actually laughs. Evan must have changed it, and he shakes his head. Not that he minds, really.

Seb opens up a new text message.

Are you trying to be cute, or just trying to traumatize me?
he writes, before attaching the photo Evan has put as his background, and sending the text. Evan's reply comes only a minute or so later.

It's called making an impression,
he writes.
You were asleep when I left, I had to leave you with something.

Seb waits as he receives a photo Evan has attached, and when he opens it, he scoffs. It's a picture of him, sleeping, arms wrapped around the pillow and dark, messy hair sticking out in all directions. He personally feels that the picture makes him look the opposite of attractive.

Touché
, Seb replies.
Taking pictures of me while I sleep, though. Creepy.

Creepy? Or adorable?

Seb smiles.

Both,
he writes.
Like a stalker.

That's what I was going for. I've got class atm, but I'll see you later. Okay?

Can't wait.

They don't add any cute greetings or anything; neither of them are really like that, and Seb isn't sure what he would have written, anyway. Instead, he just smiles to himself, before rolling over and burying his face in the pillow Evan slept on. It smells like him, like warmth and spice and leather and the shampoo he uses. Like home.

A girl
. Seb's mom thought Seb had met a girl, a girl special enough to make him relax a bit. Enough to forget about calling his mother.

She's half-right, though. Seb just isn't entirely sure about what she would say if she knew the whole story. He was honest with Evan, after all; his parents would most likely just not take the relationship seriously. It's college, they'd say. Time for experimenting. Nothing serious.

But Seb doesn't want that. He doesn't want them to react like that. He wants them to be just as thrilled about Evan as they would be about a girl, and that they'd want to meet him and talk to him and get to know him. Because Evan isn't just some passing thing, or some experiment, not to Seb. He is so much more than that.

I love him
, Seb finds himself thinking, but he immediately pushes the thought away. No. That's dangerous. The moment you think that about something or someone, you put yourself out there enough to get really, really badly hurt, if it goes wrong.

When
it goes wrong.
Because it always does
, Seb thinks. Good things don't just happen, and stay that way.

But things are good right now. Really good. And that's good enough for him.

It's a rather slow day; Seb doesn't have any lectures, and no studying to do. So he ends up just lying there for another half-hour or so, drowsing, before rolling out of bed and putting on a pair of pants. He digs through a pile of clothes that litter the armchair in his room, before finding a dark blue t-shirt that someone once told him brings out the color of his eyes. There's a dark silhouette of Batman on the front, and Seb pulls the t-shirt over his head, messing up his already messed-up bed head. He pulls his fingers through it. There is no point in trying to smooth it down.

Seb spends the next hour or so doing nothing in particular, just checking his email, getting some coffee and breakfast from the dorm's common kitchen, going through some old notes and writings. It's calm. And it's so boring.

He misses Evan. Ever since they first met, Seb has either been with him, or been studying, and now, suddenly having a few hours to himself, he can't help but wonder what he usually does with his time off. He didn't always have Evan. What did he do before, when he was by himself? He honestly can't really remember. He's not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Eventually, though, the restlessness does become too much, and Seb ends up leaving his dorm room, headphones on and music blaring.

He's not sure where he planned on going; he mostly just wants to get out and do something. But the sun is shining, so he decides to go outside, and maybe just wander around for a bit, hands shoved in his pockets and feet shuffling across the pavement. He keeps walking for quite a while, around campus, around the dorm buildings, and it isn't until he realizes where he has eventually ended up that he stops walking and looks around. He knows this place―it's a part of the college he doesn't usually go to. But he knows that Evan does. He takes a course here, and if Seb isn't mistaken, he has a lecture here today.

Well, what do you know.
Even without thinking, Seb has found his way to him. Again, he isn't sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But he's here, so he figures he might as well go inside.

Seb looks at his watch; Evan's lecture is supposed to be over in about twenty minutes. He looks up and down the hallway, which is mostly empty, and sees that regardless of which lecture hall Evan eventually comes out of, he will see him if he sits somewhere in the middle. So Seb shuffles over to a bench by the wall and sits down, exhaling heavily. The music is still playing in his ears, a rather happy, relaxing song, and he closes his eyes. Maybe he should have slept longer, after all. He's really tired.

It's the sudden sound of a door opening and several footsteps and voices echoing through the hall that makes Seb start, and he opens his eyes. He looks at his watch. Those twenty minutes have passed already. He must have fallen asleep for a bit.

Seb pulls his headphones down so that they end up around his neck, like he usually does, and keeps his eyes peeled for Evan. It doesn't take long; he spots him after only a few seconds, exiting the lecture hall. And then Evan spots him, actually half-freezing, with an openly surprised expression on his face. Seb swallows, suddenly kind of nervous. Maybe this was a bit too much, showing up like this. But then Evan's surprised expression turns into a smile, and he makes his way over to Seb, who gets up from the bench.

"Hey," Evan says, and Seb smiles weakly. It still baffles him, sometimes, how this amazing, gorgeous person is
his
.

"Hey," he replies, taking a step forward so that they end up right in front of each other. He moves to plant a kiss on Evan's lips, but then, Evan does something unexpected. He actually pulls back. Not much, mind you, but enough for Seb to just stand there, frozen, confused. Evan has never done that before, and his suddenly uncomfortable expression tells Seb that he is well aware of that.

Seb just looks at him, not trying to kiss him again. He can take a hint. It hurts, though, more than he wants to admit.

The two of them stand like that for a few seconds, not long enough that an outsider would have noticed something is wrong, but long enough for the hallway to pretty much empty, and Evan looks around.

"Sorry," he mutters, and Seb just frowns slightly. Then Evan gives him a weak smile and actually leans in to kiss him on the mouth. And just like that, Seb forgets for a moment that Evan pulled away when he tried, just seconds ago. For a moment, he's just happy to be kissing him, even if the kiss is brief and chaste.

"It's fine," Seb hears himself say, when they pull apart. His voice sounds oddly stiff and hesitant, and Evan swallows in something that looks a bit like discomfort. But then he smiles again.

"Come on," he says, taking Seb's hand. "I wanna show you something."

Seb doesn't question it, only half-smiles back, as Evan entwines their fingers and leads him down the hallway. But there is suddenly an odd feeling in his chest, something that feels a lot like confusion, like fear. He doesn't like it. And he likes it less when he realizes the real reason he didn't tell his mother about Evan, apart from the whole coming-out thing.

He's afraid that this will end. He's terrified that Evan will suddenly just realize how uninteresting and unimportant Seb really is, and that he'll just snap out of it. He's terrified that Evan isn't sure. Why else would he have pulled away just now?

Seb is afraid to tell his mother, because he feels sure that Evan will eventually, inevitably, go away.

And the pain of that is something he would rather keep to himself, when it happens.

"Nice place," Seb says sarcastically, as he and Evan reach their destination. They're at the edge of campus, and Evan is leading him down along the paved street.

"Shut up," he says fondly, eyes straight ahead, before he suddenly stops walking. "This is it."

Seb looks at Evan, then looks up at the building they just stopped in front of. And his mouth falls open just a little bit.

"Why are we here?" he asks, and Evan looks at him.

"You don't remember?" he asks, and Seb cocks his head.

"No, I remember," he says. He definitely remembers. They're standing outside a bar, the same bar where Evan treated him to that beer, the second time they ever met. It was only a little over a month ago, but it feels like much longer, and Seb smiles fondly at the memory. It was so long ago. He didn't even really know Evan then, didn't know what an amazing person he was.

He didn't know just how hard and how badly he would fall for him.

"Our first date," Evan says, planting a kiss by Seb's temple, and Seb turns to him, eyebrows raised. Evan rolls his eyes, half-smiling. "Fine, maybe not a date. At least, I didn't think so, at the time."

"Well," Seb says, cocking his head. "I
had
just helped you escape the wrath of an angry guy and his cheating girlfriend. If that's not a date, I don't know what is."

He adds the last part with thinly veiled sarcasm, trying not to flinch at the sudden pain he feels at the thought. At the time, he really didn't care. But now, just the thought of Evan being with someone else feels like a punch in the face.

Evan squeezes his hand, as though he can tell.

"Yeah," he says softly. "For what it's worth, though, that was the last one."

Seb looks at him, frowning.

"What do you mean?" he asks, and Evan gets an uncharacteristically nervous look.

"I mean that she was the last one," he explains. "You're the only one I've been with, since then."

Seb just gapes at him.

"Really?" he says, honestly surprised, and Evan half-shrugs.

"Yeah," he says. "After that, after I met you... The idea just didn't seem appealing, anymore."

Seb thinks about it, processing Evan's words. He honestly wasn't expecting that. He was convinced, on some level, that Evan hooked up with girls even after they started hanging out, because why wouldn't he? He didn't see Seb as anything but a friend back then. As far as Seb knew, at least. He has been proven wrong since then, but still.

Seb vaguely remembers how Evan asked him about Clara, the night he kissed him the first time. Seb retorted, asking Evan when he last hooked up with someone, and Evan didn't answer. Now he knows why.

"You're telling me you were crushing on me that whole time?" Seb says, eyes narrowed and a small smile on his face. Evan picks up on the teasing tone, and glances away.

"So what if I was?" he says defensively, but Seb can see the blush creeping up his neck. "Does it matter?"

Seb smiles and plants a soft kiss on Evan's throat, just below his ear. He swears he feels Evan tense up just the slightest bit, tightening his grip on Seb's hand.

"Not really," Seb says. "It's just nice to know it wasn't just me."

Evan squeezes his hand and gives him a small smile, and Seb turns back to the bar.

"So," he says. "Reminiscing aside. What are we doing here?"