Just Make Him Beautiful (45 page)

I laughed to myself
.
S
o
am
I
. 

Epilogue

Well
,
c
hile, that’s my story
,
and I’m sticking to it
.
Looking back, I really don’t regret joining the military because it has done a lot for me. I’ve traveled, I’ve been able to take care of myself, I’ve met some really good people, and I even got married and had a son named after me.
Unfortunately, my wife and I didn’t work out
.
I guess she was looking for a man, a husband
,
and ultimately so was I.

I heard someone scream down the steps,
“Camira, you gonna be going on in
fifteen
minutes
.
”

Chile
boo, anyways I still see my son from time to time. Although, I don’t go around him dressed up like a woman.

Hell, Chauntel has never even seen me dressed up like a woman
.
I know
,
if she did, that bitch would gag
,
considering I look so much better than she do
es
.

Of course
,
I’ve only been doing drag for a short time. This performance I plan to do for Sean is only the second time I’ve actually performed in front of an audience.
I honestly believe I was
destined
to do drag and perform in front of an audience. Even when I was a little
boy
, I used to dress up in my mother’s clothes, stand in front of a mirror
,
and lip
-synch
to Patti Labelle’s old jams.

It’s funny because when I met my girl Akasha down at Bunn’s one night, she thought she knew me and called me by some drag queen’s name.
I had to convince her that I wasn’t her and that my name was Cameron. Well
,
honey, we became the best of friends
,
and before I knew it, Ms. Thang had me doing
drag
.
I had become one of the
dragons
.
Truth be told, it ain’t like she had to twist my arm or hold a gun to my head,
because
I was all for it.

*

As for my family back in
Omaha
, I talk to Momma G
e
rdy at least every Sunday, just so she knows I’m still alive
.
S
he worries so. She’s up in age now
,
but I love her just the same for all of what she has done for me and my sister Keshia.

As for my little sister Keisha, she’s not so little anymore. She’s married to
a
n
engineer and now lives in
Charlotte
,
North Carolina
with their
one
-
year
-
old son.
I’m so proud of her because with a husband, who ain’t
a
bad
-
looking
brotha
by the way, and a one
-
year
-
old, she still finds time to go to school
for
her RN degree.

I still think of my real
m
omma from time to time and wished she was still here
.
I miss her so much
.
B
ut I think I’m gonna be ok
ay
. I know she’s looking down from Heaven and telling me to “
m
an up
,
” but that’s just not who I am. I am what I am
,
and I have gone through a lot in my lifetime to be who I am
,
and I make no apologies for it. People have to accept me
,
or they can kick rocks
,
as Keisha would say.

I’m still in the United States Army
,
and thank God for our President Barack Obama
,
who initiated the repeal on gays in the military
,
I still have a job. The morning I signed up for the Army, I was lucky enough to be able to leave that day. I never said anything to
Z
about going because I was afraid he would try to talk me out of it.

After I joined, I did send
him
a Dear John and explained to him why I had to leave.
He said he was broken
-
hearted
,
but he understood that a man had to do what a man had to do
. E
ven me. Of course
,
he thought that comment was funny, I didn’t.

Anyways, we’ve kept in contact over the years
,
and he had actually met someone and fell deeply in love
,
and they have been together for the past couple of years. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a
w
ee bit jealous
,
but I am happy for him and his new partner.

Oh by the way, I actually got a letter from him a couple days ago
,
and he had the nerve to invite me to him and his lover’s anniversary party.
Chile
boo, I’m happy for him
,
but I ain’t that happy, you know
.

When my
f
ather/
u
ncle died a few years ago
,
I went home for the funeral
.
I did stop by and pa
y
Z
a visit. At the time he was still single
,
so we hooked up
,
and yes, I let him hit it for old times
’
sake. And
,
again, it wasn’t all that
,
but
Z
was happy and still talking about how he was still in love with me, blah blah blah.

I have met a lot of new people over the years, some good, and some bad
,
but ultimately, life is good. Now
,
when I met Sean Mathews, I thought he would be the one. The one that I prayed to God for every night
.

I would get on my knees and say to God, “Just Make Him Beautiful
.
”
I met Sean in Basic Training
.
I didn’t speak to him at the time because I really didn’t know what to say. I knew he wasn’t gay
,
just by the way he carried himself
,
but I was going to do everything in my power to get at him.

O
nce we graduated from Basic Training, I found out where
he
was going to be station
ed
and I had a friend of mine in the administration department change my orders so
I
go to
Fort Meade
,
Maryland
as well.

Sean Mathews, what can I say about Sean? I first have to admit that I wasn’t honest with him about a lot of things. I
’d
never told him about my relationship with my brother
,
or the relationship I had with Keith. I never told him about my
m
other being in an institution or that I had killed the three most important people in my life.

As feminine as I am, I wanted Sean to accept me as a friend. I needed Sean in my life because he to me was the epitome of what a man was suppose
d
to be. He carried
himself
in such a way that I loved him the first day I laid eyes on him.

Chile
, I shall not forget
.
W
e were still in Basic Training and had just finished PT
.
W
e were standing outside the mess hall in line for breakfast
,
and he was standing right in front of me, sweat pouring of him like a waterfall. He had his OD
-
green gym shorts on and had taken off his
T-shirt
.
Even
his back had muscles.

Lawd, I
stared
at him from the top of his
six-two
frame to his ankles and felt my nature rise
,
as well as the
moisture from within my thighs.
Now
,
that was the first time I had experience
d
both of my sex organs becoming excited at the same time.
I wanted to somehow get in front of him just to see what this black Arnold S
ch
warz
e
n
egger brotha looked like.

But
there was nothing I could do because
,
as a new recruit, you’re not allowed to say shit while standing in line
,
and if you do, you will be
severely
reprimanded. So
,
I waited until we got inside the mess hall,
w
here I could possibly bump into him
,
and that way, I would get a better look.

We made it into the mess hall
,
and Sean sat with
,
I assume
,
his friends from his squad
.
I
,
on the other hand, sat with those in my squad.
I wasn’t friends with any of them
,
but
I had
a direct
view of Private Sean Mathews.
I noticed that Sean had finished his breakfast
and
got up to dump his tray in the trash.

Needless to say I got up
,
and as I was about to dump my food in the trash as well, I deliberately bumped into him
,
and he turned around.

“I’m sorry
.
M
y bad,” I said nervously.

“No problem
,
s
hawty
.
”
H
e smil
ed
at me
,
showing his dimples.

Chile
, I almost fainted
.
I
l
ook
ed
up at him with his mocha
-
color
ed
complexion and chiseled chest
.
I felt like I had died and gone to Heaven.
I stood there frozen and watched as he placed his
scraps
in the trash
,
and his plates and silverware in the
sink
.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him because as I looked across his chiseled chest and at his succulent man nipples, my eyes scrolled f
a
rther down and I swear to God, this brotha wore no underwear because I could clearly see the print of his half
-
erect pen
is protruding from his shorts.
Honey, that shit looked so good
,
my mouth began to water
.
I became so flustered
,
I was afraid I would instinctively reach out and grab it.
I dumped my whole tray in the trash bin and ran out of there.

I
t seems like it was only yesterday
,
but it’s been almost four years since that happen
ed
.
Sean and I did become the best of friends and even fell in love with each other. However, we seemed to have fall
en
in love with each other at separate times.

That day I fell in love with Sean, he was already in love and married and had a child to boot.
Unfortunately, when he finally realized he was in love with me, we were standing in church at the alt
a
r
.
I was the groom
,
and he was my best man.

When Sean burst out and said that he loved me and didn’t want me to make the same mistake he
did
, I was stunned
like a de
e
r caught in headlights.
But
it was the wrong time
.
  I married Chauntel anyway. I’m not sure what would have happened if Sean hadn’t been picked up by the MPs that day, but I guess we will never know.