Just Make Him Beautiful (44 page)

Anywho
,
let me catch y’all up
on
what’s been going on since that night.
The only person I could think of calling was Zack
,
and being the nice guy he
wa
s, he picked me up
,
and I’
d
been living with him ever since.

Z
w
as a perfect gentleman
. H
e took me in his home that night and held me while I cried myself to sleep. We still had not been intimate because he want
ed
me to make the first move. He want
ed
me to come to him when I
thought
I
was
ready.

To be honest, sex
was
the last thing on my mind.
I love
d
Z
for what he
’d
done by taking me in and being patient with me
,
but
I
wasn’t
in love with him
.
Y
ou know what I mea
n?
Besides, I
was
still trying to deal with what I ha
d
done.
Omaha
’s finest
conducted an investigation about
who planted
the bombs in Keith’s mansion.
Momma G
e
rdy
helped me with
my alibi
,
telling
the police I was at her house for dinner and stayed
there
for most
of the
evening.
The police department had
theo
r
ized that
it was probably a rival gang
that
wanted to get back at Keith and Junior
for
trafficking on
their
turf.

T
he police had found my mother’s body and wanted to know why she might have been there and whether or not I knew she would be there.
I had informed them that I had reunited with
her
just a few months
earlier
and that we were working on our relationship as mother and son
,
but I didn
’
t know she was coming to visit me that day. They also found Robin’s body and wanted to know if I knew who she was. I
told
them
she was my best friend and was dating Keith’s brother, Junior.

They also wanted to know why I was living there and what was the relationship between Keith and
me
.
What could I say but the truth? I informed them that Keith and I w
ere
lovers.
They had dis
gust
written all over the
i
r face
,
but I didn’t care
.
I just wanted them to stop questioning me and go after some other gang members for what they did to three of the most important people in my life.
I cried and carried on the whole time I was at the police station.
Chil
e
, I should have won an academy award for my performance.

*

The hardest part
w
as
attend
ing
my mother
’
s funeral and then turn
ing
around the following day and attend
ing
Robin’s funeral.
Z
was by my side the whole time for support
,
cater
ing
to my every need and want. He was absolutely fabulous about the whole ordeal.

Momma G
e
rdy and my Uncle Bill paid for both Momma’s funeral and Robin’s because Robin’s
m
omma, Auntie as I call
ed
her, was a total wreck
.
And
she
didn’t
have the funds to put her daughter away. Of course Momma G
e
rdy, had no idea where the money came from to pay for two funerals, but I knew as I watched Uncle Bill pull out his checkbook and paid the funeral director over
twenty
thousand dollars for both services.

The funeral director told me the day after they picked up my mother’s body that her burns were severe
,
that she would have to have a closed casket at her funeral. So as I sat there grieving
her
los
s
, I w
as
hop
ing
that maybe, just maybe,
she
had gotten out and wasn’t in that coffin at all. I know that sound
s
absurd, but the thought of her not being in that coffin was making me feel better
.  M
aybe I didn’t kill her at all
.

As I looked around the chapel in the funeral home, I realized that Momma didn’t have a lot of friends. The only people there
were
Momma G
e
rdy, Uncle Bill,
and Keisha
, two or three people Momma knew around the way,
m
e,
Z
, and the minister.  I d
id
n’t know what the minister’s sermon was about because
,
even though my body was there, my mind was somewhere else.

*

Later that night after Momma’s burial and the small gathering at Momma G
e
rdy’s house,
Z
and I left and went home. I
’d
taken
a couple of V
aliums
that morning and found myself taking a couple more on the ride back home with
him
.

“Cameron,”
Z
said in a whisper as he drove down the highway.

I was nodding off.
 
“Yeah
.
”

“I really would like to have a heart to heart talk with you,” he stated in a low but serious tone.

“About?”

“I want to know the truth as to what happened that night
.
”
H
e look
ed
at me
out of the corner of his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“The truth
,
babe
.
I wanna know the truth.”

“I told you all I know
,
Z
. I just can’t handle this all by myself,” I replied sniffling.

“
Cam
, you’re not alone
.
I think you keep forgetting I’m an attorney
,
and I know
,
or shall I say
,
I feel you’re keeping something from me
.
”

Z
was right
.
I never did tell him what happened
.
B
ut how could I tell him the truth?
And if I did tell him the truth, would he stop loving me and then ask me to leave?

“Babe
,
I know you’re going through a lot
.
R
egardless of what happened, I’m here for you
,
but I need you to trust me and be honest with me.”

Z
pulled up in front of his house and parked the car. I sat there trying to get my thoughts together
,
but
I couldn’t think straight
because of the
V
al
ium
.

“Come on
,
Cam
, let’s go in the house, get comfortable
,
and talk.”

Z
got out of the car and came over to the passenger side, opened the door
,
and helped me out of his car.
We both were exhausted
,
and like all the other nights,
he
held me in his arms
.

I began to tell him exactly what happened that night.
Of course
,
I cried like a baby
,
but
Z
did not judge me
.
H
e held me tight until I couldn’t cry anymore
,
and then he kissed me passionately.

I knew
he
had been waiting patiently for me to make the first move and because he had been there for me and now knew the truth of what had happened, he still loved me and wanted to be with me. And for that, I was
e
ternally grateful, so I gave myself to
him
that night.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the toe
-
curling, mind
-
blowing sex that I love
d,
but this time around was different because
,
for once, I was satisfied that I had pleased someone other than myself.
Chile
,
let me tell you,
Z
came three or four times
,
telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to take care of me.
A
s much as I’
d
always wanted to hear those words from a man, I knew
Z
wasn’t the one I wanted to spend my life with. He was a good man, a hard
-
working man
,
and an intelligent man as well
,
but
I had love for him but wasn’t
in
love with him.

As he
lay
beside me sleeping, I felt bad that I couldn’t love him the way he loved me
.
  I knew I would have to leave and start doing things for myself. Again, I kept hearing Momma’s voice in the back of my head
.
“Man up, baby, man up.”

Tomorrow was Robin
’
s funeral
,
and I seriously didn’t wanna go. How could I look down at her knowing I was responsible for her death?
How could I console Auntie
without
feeling guilty?
I was so restless lying in this bed
,
turning from one side to the other
,
I decided to turn the TV on and hoped that whatever was on could erase all of the thoughts creeping a mile a minute in and out my head.

I began flipping the channels
,
and oddly enough, there was a commercial on about joining the United States Army and
“
being all that you can be.
”
At first I laughed at the thought of being in the Army. After all, who couldn’t look at me and tell I wasn’t gay
?
Anyhow
, I continued to watch the commercial
, which
went on and on as though it was talking directly to me
.
 
T
hen I realized it was one of those infomercials. This brotha was talking about how he wanted to better his life for his family and in order to do that he had to become a man first
,
that being in the Army taught him how to be a man.

I started thinking about my life and the direction it was going
in.
I realized I wasn’t doing a damn thing
,
other than sulking and having people take care of me. It was time for me to stop depending on other people and for me to “
m
an up
,
” as Momma would say
,
and take care of myself.

Besides, the military didn’t look that hard
,
and it would give me the opportunity to travel, make my own money
,
and take care of myself.

A
fter making the decision to join the Army, I felt like a big weight of some sort was lifted off my shoulders.
I felt comforted and calm for some reason.
I knew what I had to do
.
T
omorrow morning I was going to the recruit
ing
office and enlist in Uncle Sam’s Army.

I began to drift off to sleep as I heard the announcer’s voice on the infomercial say,
“Uncle Sam is looking for a few good men.”