Joy Argento - Carrie and Hope (14 page)

“Of course, I’m not. Come
on,
let’s go for a wild ride.” Hope patted the spot behind her again.
 
Carrie sat down. It was a tight fit and she put her legs around Hope and wrapped her arms around Hope’s waist.

“This is crazy,” Carrie said. She felt both elated and scared as she hung on to Hope. She wasn’t afraid of going down the hill or getting hurt. She was scared of being so close to Hope.

Hope used her hands to move them forward over the snow until the sled started to move on its own down the hill. The slick ice covered snow and the weight of the women on the sled caused it to move at a rapid rate. They flew by the boys and continued another twenty feet farther down the hill. Without warning they hit a bump and both women went flying into the air. The sled flew out from under them, and they ended up in a heap with Carrie on top of Hope.

They looked at each other and laughed. “Are you all right?” Hope asked looking up at Carrie.

Carrie resisted the urge to lean down and kiss her. They were so close. Carrie could feel Hope’s breath on her face. She felt Hope’s body under hers. All she could do was nod.

The boys came running over to them, slipping and sliding on the way. Carrie turned her head to look up into their surprised, little faces. She suddenly realized she was still lying on top of Hope. There was no graceful way of moving off of her. She rolled sideways until she was lying flat on her back on the snow.

Hope sat up. “Are you sure you’re all right?” she asked Carrie again.

“Yep,” Carrie said, still on her back. “Are you?” She dared a look at Hope.

“I think so,” she looked at her nephews. “I guess the snow is pretty slippery, huh?” They giggled at her. Both boys grabbed one of Carrie’s hands and pulled her into a sitting position.

Once the women were on their feet they started slowly and carefully up the hill. Both held the hand of a twin and dragged a sled behind them.

“We want to go down again,” Mark yelled when they got to the top.

“I don’t think that is a good idea,” Hope told him. “But I do have another idea. I think we should all go to the Duchess Diner and have a nice cup of hot chocolate with lots and lots of whipped cream on top. What would you think about that?”

“Yeah!” both boys said.

“Yeah!”
Carrie repeated. They continued their slippery trek to the car and headed down the road to the diner.
    

*****

Carrie put the cup of tea for Hope on the coffee table and sat on the couch. She sipped from her own cup while she waited for Hope to put her clothes back on and come out of the art room.

Carrie was very pleased with the way the painting was coming out. She thought that it could easily be completed with one more modeling session. Hope turned out to be a wonderful model. She had no trouble sitting still and she certainly was beautiful. Her beauty inspired Carrie to be a better artist. Her beauty seemed to be inspiring other feeling in Carrie, too, but Carrie pushed those thoughts from her mind.

Hope emerged from the hallway into the living room, fully dressed, but holding her shoes in her hand. She set the shoes on the floor as she sat on the couch next to Carrie.

“Thanks,” she said, picking up her cup of tea and taking a sip.
    

“You’re fast,” Carrie said to Hope.

“Well, don’t let it get around, it will ruin my reputation.” Hope smiled.

“You’re so funny,” Carrie said laughing. “How come you’re so funny?” Carrie’s wide smile relaxed into a grin.

“Insecurity.”

“What?
Seriously?”
Carrie asked.

“Yes, I think I discovered young that I could win people over with humor. I felt like people would like me if I could make them laugh.”

“You make me laugh all the time. Are you insecure with me?”

“No.” Hope hesitated. “Actually I feel very secure when I’m with you.”

“Then how come you are always making me laugh?”

Hope thought about it for a moment before answering. “Because I love the sound of your laugh, and I love your smile.”

Carrie blushed and sipped her tea. “So, how is Derrick doing? He should be home for Thanksgiving soon, shouldn’t he?” Carrie asked her.

“He’s doing fine. I talked to him yesterday. He’ll be home on Monday. He’s bringing Erin with him, so I guess they are still together.” Hope hesitated. “This is the first major holiday since his father died. I am not sure how he is going to handle it. He had a really hard time when Tom died.”

“I’m sure it will hard on both of you.”

“I’ll be okay. It’s just hard watching my son go through it. This might sound terrible, but since my husband died I finally feel like I can breathe. He was sick for so long and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like I was waiting for him to die.”

“No, it doesn’t sound terrible. I know exactly what you are saying.” Carrie gave her a reassuring look.

“I was married to the man for a long time and I shouldn’t have been with him at all.”

“So, do you feel like all those years you were wasting your life?” Carrie asked quietly.

“No, I felt like I was wasting his life.”

“What do you mean?”

“The first few years of our marriage were tough, especially financially. Tom was still going to school and working part time. I was a new mother and I was working part time, but when I wasn’t working I was home with this baby that I adored. Being a parent is such a tough job, but Derrick was such a good baby and a good kid.” She took a deep breath and continued. “Tom got a great job as soon as he graduated. He was a good husband and a great father. He was home with us after work, he was there for little league games and school plays. He remembered birthdays and anniversaries.”

“Then why are you saying you wasted his life?” Carrie asked.

“Because a good man like that deserved a wife that loved him. I couldn’t do that for him. I couldn’t love him,” Hope’s sighed at the old memories and at the relief that she felt in finally letting them out. She had kept it inside for so long that she felt like a weight was lifted from her soul as she released it.

“I raised his son, I sat across from him at dinner, I let him make love to me, but I couldn’t love him. Believe me, I tried.” She brushed away the tears that began to escape from her eyes.

“Oh, Hope,” Carrie said. She pulled several tissues from the box on the table beside her and used one to gently wipe the tears from Hope’s cheek. She handed the rest of the tissues to Hope. “I know there is nothing that I can say to make you feel any better about this, but I think you are an extraordinary person. I think Tom was very lucky to have you.”

“I shouldn’t have been with Tom in the first place. I went to him out of fear, not out of love. That wasn’t fair to him.”

“Was it horrible for you? Having to pretend like that? Having
him
make love to you when you didn’t feel it?” Carrie
asked,
the concern showing in her voice.

“It wasn’t horrible. But it wasn’t good either. It was sort of like getting vanilla all the time when all you really wanted was chocolate.” Hope laughed through the tears. “Leave it to me to make an analogy using food.”

Carrie wrapped her arms around Hope. She wanted nothing more than to comfort this woman.
To help her let go of the guilt and regret.
She pulled Hope in close. She could feel Hope’s tears as she pressed her cheek against Hope’s cheek. She could feel Hope’s heart beating in her chest and Hope’s breath, warm on her neck.

Before she knew what she was doing, Carrie tilted her head and brought her lips to Hope’s mouth. She kissed her tenderly at first and then with more urgency as she felt Hope respond to her.

Hope’s tongue entered her mouth and searched out her own. Carrie’s body trembled with the electricity that coursed through her. She had never felt such excitement from a kiss. Her hands traveled up Hope’s back and into her hair. Carrie pushed her body forward into Hope and felt their breasts press together.

Hope pulled back suddenly, an unmistakable look of fear on her face. “I need to stop,” she said, breathlessly. “I need to stop.” She struggled out of Carrie’s embrace.

“Oh my God, Hope.” Carrie had trouble speaking. Her breath came in gasps. “I am so sorry. That was so inappropriate of me. I am so sorry.”

Hope stood up. “I need to go.” She slipped her feet into her shoes without looking at Carrie.

“Please don’t go, Hope,” Carrie tried to keep her voice even. She felt tears start to well up in her eyes. “Please don’t go,” she repeated. “I just…I’m sorry. I just care about you and…” The words of explanation weren’t coming. She wanted to explain but realized that she couldn’t adequately voice it without telling Hope her true feelings. She was so afraid of scaring Hope away. She didn’t want to lose her friend. She thought she had done just that with her stupid thoughtless behavior.

“I just need to go.” Hope walked to the door, stopping just long enough to get her coat. Carrie followed close behind her, stammering her apologies. Hope left without looking back, closing the door behind her.

Carrie stared at the door. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She had let her feelings come to the surface, and she had offended or scared Hope.
Probably both.
She reached out and grabbed the doorknob considering whether to open it and call out to Hope or not. Beg her to come back so she could explain. But she knew she couldn’t explain away her feelings. She thought it would only send Hope farther away.

She released the knob and turned her back to the door. She leaned against it as the tears began to flow freely. She slid slowly down the door until she was sitting on the floor sobbing.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Why did I do that? Why couldn’t I just love her and hide my feelings from her? Now I’ve lost her. I’ve lost her.
     

*****

Hope started her car and backed it out of Carrie’s driveway.
I can’t go through this again.
She thought. She put the car in drive and pulled out onto the street. She drove without any awareness of where she was going. She just knew she needed to get away. She couldn’t be in the same space as Carrie. She knew it was dangerous. Her body had reacted to Carrie’s kiss. She couldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t let anything happen with Carrie like it had with Maria so many years ago.

Maria had been a mistake. Maria was the reason she slept with Tom. The reason she got pregnant with Derrick. The reason she spend nineteen years with a man she didn’t love. And now Carrie was bringing back all of the feelings that she had had with Maria.
All of the feelings of…of what…of what?
Her brain screamed the question.
Of love.
She is bringing back all of the feelings of love.

Hope pulled the car over to the side of the road. She loved Carrie. She was running because she loved Carrie, just like she had run all those years ago because she had loved Maria.

Hope thought back to Maria. She hadn’t allowed her mind to go there fully for many years. She met Maria the day she moved into her dorm at college. Maria was tall and thin with long, thick Auburn hair and a quick smile. Her hazel eyes were heavy with thick dark lashes. Maria’s room was across the hall from Hope’s and they shared several classes together. They enjoyed each other’s company and became quick friends.

Hope felt energized and alive when she was with Maria. She looked forward to their classes together. Their friendship spilled over into other aspects of Hope’s life. They studied together, went to parties and movies together, and laughed together. They laughed together a lot.

Maria and Hope often rented movies from the video shop in town and watched them on the small television that Hope had brought from home. It wasn’t unusual for them to watch videos from the comfort of Hope’s bed. It seemed so natural to cuddle together as the movie played.

Hope’s roommate went home most weekends, leaving Hope with the room to herself. Maria often slept over on those weekends. Sometimes in her roommate’s bed and sometimes in Hope’s bed.

One weekend when they were alone watching a movie, Marie leaned over and kissed Hope lightly on the neck as she nuzzled into her. Before she realized what was happening they were kissing. Hands and lips were everywhere. Hope felt more alive than she had ever felt in her life.

Their clothes were discarded on the floor and they made love with urgency and passion. They slept through the night in the comfort of each other’s arms. But when the daylight broke through the window the next morning Hope panicked. Instead of the love she had felt the night before, she felt only fear taking over her mind.

She didn’t want to deal with what it meant to love a woman. She didn’t want to be gay. She didn’t want people to hate her. She didn’t want her parents to know, to be mad at her. She didn’t want any of what it meant to a lesbian. She ran.

She ran right into the arms of Tom. She needed to prove to herself and to the world that she wasn’t a lesbian…that she wasn’t what she didn’t want to be.

She had dated Tom a few times before that day. He was good looking, tall and muscular, with curly dark hair and baby blue eyes. She felt no sparks with him, but when she sought him out on Saturday morning and offered him her body, he took it. Derrick was conceived that day, and her life changed forever.

She had run from Maria that day, just like she was running from Carrie now. She was running because of fear. She was running from love. She loved Carrie and she was running from her.

Her heart was pounding in her chest and her skin was hot. She loved Carrie. She squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to squeeze the feeling away. But it was no use. She couldn’t squeeze Carrie out of her. She couldn’t make the love go away. What was she going to do with this? What was she going to do with her love for Carrie?

What if I stop running?
She thought.
What if I just love her?
Maybe it was time to stop running. Maybe it was time to let love into her life.