Jesse's Soul (2) (33 page)

“You just don’t understand. This week, look what’s it been like? And yeah,
this time
it was something minor, something insignificant really and almost hard to believe…but what about next time? What about a year, five years...what about when it’s not minor? They said I’d get better two years ago, Jesse. I haven’t. They don’t know, and I don’t trust them anymore. How can you want to live like this? That’s not fair and—“

He pulled her up, gripping her solidly by the upper arms, forcing her to look him in the eye. “Damn it.
No!”

Since she had been around him, this was the second conversation that he’d raised his voice in what she could only guess was true anger. “You will
not decide what is fair to me… for me. We are in this together. I love you, damn it,” he yelled through gritted teeth.

Once she looked, she could see through the tears in his eyes that he w
asn’t just angry, he was panic stricken. His forehead was tensed, his eyes were locked on her, and his breathing was fast and shallow.

“Jesse,” she
tried again. She moved side to side, trying to break free of his hold, wanting to get away, wanting to run. He had her arms pinned to her sides in his hold, his strength—no match for hers on a good day, let alone right then. “Jesse, please…let me go. Just. Let. Me. Go.” She begged, the plea vibrating off the walls as her jaw clamped tightly once more.

This was harder than all the treatments combined. She loved him more than anything. She had to let him go, it wasn’t fair. Defeated, drained, and hating herself, she looked
down, unable to meet him eye to eye any longer.

“You have to let me go,” Emery cried
, her voice lower. The racking sobs shook her whole body. “You need to…Jesse. I can’t give you what you deserve.” Her fight left her, she crumpled in his hands. “You need to let me go. I want you to go. I want you to be…happy.”

“Emery Kincaid, I swear to God,” he said, still angry, his jaw still clenched and panting, “You are going to be the death of me, woman.”

He pulled her to him as tight as he could, running his hand over her hair. She melted into his embrace. Needing him, wanting him, and feeling so selfish for thinking of herself instead of him.

“Em, honey.” His voice lowered, the anger replaced by fear once again, but still strong enough to warn her not to question him. “I don’t want to fight with you. I understand what you’re trying to say. I get where this is coming from, but it’s
not your decision, I’m sorry. It’s mine, only mine. Do you understand me?” Jesse sat her up and then pulled up her chin with his thumb and forefinger. Once again, holding her where he wanted and not allowing her to look away.

“I’m sorry, but you don’t get to make this call. Only
I get to decide if I can handle this, if I want to stay. Emery…I love you. I’m not going anywhere. You can fight me all you want, but at the end of the day, I’m still going to be right here. You think you’re saving me, or that this isn’t fair, like you say, but I call bullshit. If you want to do the right thing, then for the love of God, quit fighting me and let me love you because I’m not leaving.  Read my lips. I. Am. Not. Leaving.”

“But, Jesse,” she said a second time, even quieter than before. She had no fight left in her.

“No buts, Emery. This conversation is over, and we’re not going to have it again. Ever. You’re mine, through thick or thin, in good and bad, you’re mine. End of discussion.”

She blinked back the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. Emery hadn’t ever seen him this controlling. The stubborn Irish side of her wanted to haul off and smack him, but she was done. She was tired, she was sick, she didn’t feel well, and she was just plain done. So her heart decided for her. She would let him take control, she would let him take care of her. Emery collapsed in his arms, exhausted. “I love you, Jesse,” she said, barely above a whisper.

The fight was gone from them both. He held her to him so tight it was as if he wanted to make her part of him. But she already was. She was his. He’d said it over and over again. He’d proven it to her over and over again. However, there had always been a nagging fear within her, making her believe that when it came down to the wire, when the last card was drawn—he’d fold.

But…he wasn’t Collin.

He didn’t fold. No, Jesse fought…and he fought hard.

Her head was pounding, her eyes almost swollen shut from crying so hard. Her entire body weak from the ever-present fatigue and then the added stress of the fight.

Emery had fought to do the right thing because she loved him. Jesse fought back because he loved her. He hadn’t fought fair…but she didn’t care.

He’d won.

Thank God.

He’d always fight,
and Emery knew he’d always win. And for that, she loved him even more.

~

The instant she broke down on him, a wave of fear spread across his skin. It stung w
orse than thousands of tiny pinpricks. His stomach turned over and his heart all but stopped beating. In his entire life, Jesse had never been that terrified. He had been scared waiting on the phone call from the doctor, but what Emery had just done about turned his world upside down, and he knew he’d never survive without her.

He understood her. Knew her soul inside and out. He knew what s
he was trying to spare him from and that she was doing it out of love. Jesse also didn’t give a shit. Emery was his now, to take care of, to love, and without her, he was no good. It wasn’t until she finally said those four words that his world started to rotate again. His heart pounded hard and fast, and the heat that had settled on his skin began to fade and, at last, he blew out a deep breath of relief.

“Oh, God, I love you too, Em.” He scooted over a little bit on the bench in the trailer and laid her head in his lap, gently stroking her hair. She draped her arm over his thigh and tucked it between his leg and the seat as if she was trying to hold on tight. Jesse knew with all his heart she didn’t want to let go of him, of what they had
, any more than he did.

For several minutes he, Emery and Reid sat in the trailer in complete silence. The only sound was the lingering hiccups her body still shook with after crying so hard, for so long. Jesse had rested his head against the wall of the trailer, looking up and wondering what the hell had just hit him. A quick glance at her father and he let out a silent snort. The man looked wrung out. He’d never seen Reid look that exhausted since…since—she
had gotten sick in the first place.

If what he’d just been through was unbearable—
the absolute, total fear of losing her—Jesse couldn’t imagine what Reid had been through. No one on the team had known exactly why her father had taken time off here and there, and for over two years it had continued. The poor man. Jesse wouldn’t wish Reid’s hell on his worst enemy.

His boss made
eye contact with him. Both trying to offer the other encouragement, but the smiles never amounted to more than a flinch of the mouth. Both exchanging silently mouthed comments of ‘
what the fuck’
and
‘I’m so sorry man’
before Reid ran his palms over his face, wiping away the tears that he probably didn’t know Jesse had seen forming in his eyes. They both knew that was close.

The tension was still thick inside the walls of the trailer
, and he could only imagine what they all were thinking outside of the doors. Riley was out there and had to be worried or pissed or both. Lucky for he and Emery, the rest of the guys would just let it all lie.

“So, honey, is
this our first official fight?” he asked, trying to tease and lighten the mood a little.

Emery rolled her head back in his lap so she could look up at him. The red blotches over her porcelain skin pierced his heart, but Jesse saw a faint spark
of light in her green eyes as she narrowed them at him. “I’d say you probably ought to duck later. Spot me a half an hour, though. I just don’t have it in me right now.”

Jesse bent down and kissed her head. “You trie
d to break up with me, you shithead.” He quietly chuckled, hoping to break the strain still hanging in the small space, then smiled at Reid.

“I didn’t want to,” she whispered.

Jesse knew she was still bothered by the guilt. He also knew she would be for a long while. They could work through it, as long as she didn’t let it build up like she had this time. As long as he could convince her that running wasn’t the answer.

“Aren’t you glad it didn’t take then?” he asked, trying to make sure there was humor in his voice.

She nodded with her eyes closed, then tucked her hand back between his thigh and the bench.

Her dad rolled his neck and popped it. “Well, Em, sounds like we’re finally headed in the right direction. Was he going to call in some scripts to a pharmacy somewhere in
St. Louis, Jess?”

“Yeah. We found one close to the stadium and gave him the info when we were there last week just in case he needed it.”

“All right, well, I’m going to go check Lance’s bike and make sure Nick doesn’t need anything. You okay, honey?”

Again she nodded, but didn’t open her eyes.

“Hey, Em.” Reid snickered out loud. “I think you have met your match here with Jess. Seems he’s as stubborn as you are, sweetheart.”

With her eyes still shut, Emery
snarled her lip and gave a half-dirty look.

A laugh bubbled up inside him and suddenly Jesse felt fifty pounds lighter. Knowing that after all of that nightmare, the woman he loved was still his, still in his hold and still had that spitfire attitude that had gripped him so tight in the first place, was enough let him relax.

“Finally. It’s about time someone was able to keep up with you. And what’s funny is, in over four years, I’ve never seen that side of him. That’s all you, sweetie.”

Jesse held in a chuckle, listening to his boss give Emery shit. Knowing what Reid said was one hundred percent true made it even funnier.
Frustrated, yes, but as an adult he maintained tight control, and had never lost his temper with anyone else, ever—until Emery. He knew it was Reid’s attempt to make sure that they were all three okay before he walked out of the semi, but the man was playing with fire.

Reid, she’s going to kick your ass, bud.

“Shut up, Dad, and go away.”

Both men snickered at her. “Well, that tells me you’re feeling better. I love you, Em.”

“Love you too, Dad. Go away.”

“All right. Well, rest for a little bit, no hurry, okay? I’m going to tell Riley what Falson said. I don’t think he knew that’s who called, and I’d bet money when he heard yelling, he wasn’t going to interrupt.” Reid stood, as he reached for the door he turned. “I’m going to have him go ahead and come in for a couple more weeks, then we’ll start seeing how you feel.”

Emery didn’t answer him, so Jesse did as he turned to walk out of the trailer door. “Thanks, Reid. And tell Riley I appreciate his help.”

“Will do, son. Take care of her for me.”

The second the door was shut Jesse blew out a loud breath that made it sound like he’d been holding it three minutes past too long. “Oh my God, I didn’t think he’d ever leave. Okay, if you don’t stop rubbing my leg like that, I’m going to end up having sex with you right here, right now.”

He knew she probably hadn’t thought a thing about the way she was stroking his thigh. He had thick riding pants on, and she was just lying on his lap. Innocently. At least it had been.

“Well, I guess we do have to have make-up sex now, don’t we?” she said with a faint hint of humor creeping back into her voice.

“Oh my God, stop.”

“What’s wrong, Jesse?” Emery had yet to open her eyes, but her hand was wandering up to his crotch.

He tried to chuckle, but was so turned on, he was in pain. “Stop, Em. Stop, now.”

He grabbed her hand himself, moving it away so he could try to calm himself down. He laced his fingers through hers to keep her hand from finding its way back to his crotch.

Emery rolled over to look up at him. She blinked once. “There’s a lock on the door, Jesse,” she teased, lacing it with a hint of seduction.

Jesse tensed. Every nerve in his body in overdrive, the adrenaline from the fight, the fear that had gripped him and now, so horny he thought he’d split his damn pants. “Get up.”

He started to stand up before she could even sit all the way up, pushing her shoulders to hurry her along. “Get up, let’s go.
Now.”

“Where?” Her eyebrows scrunched.

“Our motorhome. You’re going to take a nap.”

“I’m not tired.”

“But your dad doesn’t know that. Let’s go.” He stood, then held out his hand. “You got me feeling like this, now you have to finish what you started.”

“Make-
up sex, huh?” Emery tried to torment him a little more now that they were standing chest to chest and face to face.

The tension in him had coiled and twisted and snaked so tight he was afraid he was going to scare her, and it was barely being held together by a single thread that was
rapidly unraveling as they looked at each other.