Jesse's Soul (2) (29 page)

“Oh, you want to go there, do you?” Jesse’s voice was full of laughter as he gave her the slightest of tickles. “You want to ask D how this will all turn out?”

She didn’t answer, and he tickled her more. “Do you? Just admit, honey, you love me. Come on, you can do it.”

She scrunched her face, not wanting to let the words or the smile escape. Squealing, Emery pushed off him and tried to run, but she only got a few feet before he grabbed her by the waist.
They fell onto the loveseat that was in front of the kitchen TV. She was sprawled on top of him, laughing uncontrollably.

“Oh my God
. This is exactly what I wanted. Exactly this. I love playing with you, Em. I’ve always been jealous of Carter and Molly for just this. Thank you for giving it to me.”

Emery knew exactly what he was talking about. Molly and Carter did laugh, tease, chase, and play a lot. It was all in fun, and funny to watch. It always gave her that
, warm and fuzzy,
good all over feeling,
seeing how happy the two of them were. She hadn’t really thought about wanting the same for herself until Jesse just admitted it out loud, but he was right. She liked that Jesse and she were also playful and had fun. Jesse had a great sense of humor and could have fun doing anything, just about anywhere. He was a laid-back, easy-going guy, so full of warmth and love it was hard not to fall under his spell.

She had known for years he was a media darling. He had women flock to him on race days, but that was probably more so because he was sexy as sin.
However, families stood in line for his autograph because he was the all-American, good old country boy.

Emery squirmed around to chance anot
her glance at the devilish, lopsided grin of his and the warm brown eyes that had laughter dancing in them, and she melted…again.

Emery leaned in to kiss his lips, lingering for a moment. “Come on, let’s pack our picnic.”

They made their way along a small walking path, up the easy hill following the tree line past the pond. A few trees jutted out, leaving a little clearing about fifteen feet wide in the center. Emery walked in and turned in a circle, looking up at the clear, blue sky.

She breathed in deep and smiled. “This is it.”

The surrounding trees kept it shaded and the ground was soft, the perfect combination for a thinking spot. When she was there alone, the only noises heard were the sounds of the birds chirping and the rustling of the leaves on the branches above her.

“I love coming here. I can see the house, but no one can see me. Riley and I used to have our hideout here when we were little, so they all know to look for me here if they’re worried or need something, but usually if I’m gone, Dad and Riley just let me be.”

He set the small cooler on the ground. “It’s perfect, Em.”

He grinned, but she saw the sadness in his face. The adorable way his eyes crinkled when he was really happy was replaced by the way his brow scrunch
ed and his forehead creased when he was upset. She squeezed his hand, taking an extra second, silently trying to encourage him to not think about it all right then.

She was happy here. E
ven though tomorrow would be a rough day, and it was weighing on both their minds, right here, in this spot, she was happy.

Jesse took one blanket off the stack and started to unfold it, handing her the other corners to help lay it out. As she lifted the containers out of the cooler Jesse let out a deep contented sigh.

“Cold fried chicken and a beer. You’re my kind of girl, Em.”

“What can I say?” She leaned over, nudging him with her shoulder. “I’m easy to please.” She smirked, giving him a wicked little grin.

Jesse shook his head as if he’d been trying for years to straighten her out and was giving up. “You do have a dirty mind, don’t you?”

Emery’s jaw dropped in mock disgust. “Excuse me?
You just took what was a very innocent answer and threw it in the gutter.” She waved her hand away, like the conversation was beneath her. “Tsk, tsk.”

Jesse opened her beer bottle and handed it to her, laughing. “You’re cute. Dirty minded as all hell, but damn cute.”

Emery just shrugged. She did have a dirty mind. Jesse had been around to enough to know that for a fact. However, she was going to blame that one hundred percent on Riley. Emery giggled to herself. Her brother was awful. The most decent, loyal, loving, hard-working man in the world, but he had the dirtiest jokes ever.

When she had gone on the road with him, Riley had taken her on as his responsibility. Even before then, he had always been open with her about sex, drugs, and the reality of men, telling her way more information, in more vivid, graphic detail, than any person ought to hear.

But it worked.

The two of them were very close. She knew she could trust Riley with anything, ask him anything, and he would be honest and open. His bluntness kept her safe and on the straight and narrow. Riley had out-performed any other man on the planet when it came to big brother duties. The downside, she had a filthy mind and a sometimes even filthier mouth.

Although, she could control it…when she wanted to.

“Hey, what can I say? It makes life a hell of a lot more fun, right?” Emery grinned and took a swig of the beer Jesse handed her, then stretched out facing him, mirroring his relaxed pose. She, too, was propped up on her arm, but she kept picking crispy
bits off various pieces of chicken still in the plastic container and popping them in her mouth.

“You realize you’re stealing all the good stuff off my piece of chicken, right?” Jesse said with a feigned sternness.

Emery grinned. He had busted her. “The crispies are the best part.” She pouted.

“I
know, you shithead.” Jesse winked. “Especially your grandma’s fried chicken. It is delicious.”

Emery scooted closer and laid her had on his thigh, nuzzling her cheek against the warmth of him. “Sorry, I’ll share with you.”

Jesse brushed her bangs out of her face. “It’s okay, honey. You can eat all the crispies. That’s how much I love you.”

Emery chuckled. “So, million dollar question.”

“What’s that?”

“You ever give much thought to what you’ll do after you retire?”

“Actually, yeah.” Jesse took a swig of his beer. “I’m really hoping to race a few more years. I’d like to make it to thirty. I’m almost twenty-six, so that’s four seasons. I have that in me, as long as I don’t get hurt. Then the guys and I have been talking over the last year or so about starting a riding school.”

“Really?”

She’d never thought of something like that, but he’d be good at it. She had watched him point out stuff to Cody and Lance, taking them both under his wing. Always encouraging them and supporting the younger riders.

And at the airport yesterday, he had met Riley’s little ones, Kerry and Caitlyn
. He had been amazing with them and had both of them laughing and climbing all over him within minutes. Especially Kerry. Her five-year-old nephew had talked Jesse’s ear off the entire trip home, then made Jesse promise multiple times that, yes
,
they were in fact coming to his house for dinner later. Emery smiled to herself, remembering the night before as Jesse had sat grinning happily with two-and-half-year-old Caitlyn on his lap while Kerry showed him each and every one of his toy dirt bikes. Repeatedly.

“Wow. That’s a really neat idea. You’d
be an amazing trainer.”

“Yeah, we’re really excited, and I hope I can be good at it. James has made it possible. I had always thought it’d be fun, but now it’s going to be real. I can’t wait to take you up there. His track is amazing. Carter, Eli, and I had talked about the school for a
few years, but we said something in front of James and Brody one time as we were eating lunch one day and shooting the shit, and they got all excited about it.

“James’s track is perfect
...the layout, he has a humungous shop, and everything around it is perfect. He already put in spots for RVs to park when we go up there, so after we have the houses built, those will be freed up and available for families to use. We’ve talked about some additions here and there that we want to make to the track, who will do what, and how it will be run. Brody is going to join in, and there is always James. He’s amazing. He actually used to race with George, did you know that?”

Emery shook her head and smiled at the excitement that was spilling out of him.

“So he will be around to pitch in here and there when he’s not under a deadline.” Jesse let out a sigh. “We’re really pumped. He has really taken our pipe dream and given us the chance to make it a reality.”

Emery continued to lay on his leg, listening to him talk about his future. The more detailed he got, the more excited he became. Her heart swelled with pride. She could see the picture he was painting for her of Molly’s parents’ place
, and it sounded like heaven.

She hadn’t dared to think outside of what would happen to them as a couple in May at the end of the season, let alone if they would be together years from now, but Emery was very happy for him. He worked really hard and deserved to have his dreams come true. Especially if it involved him working with kids. He may not have the confidence yet, but she knew without a doubt that he’d be a great asset to their school.

“So, in the next five years?”

“Probably sooner. Carter will likely retire in the next couple of years, and he and Brody are going to get it up and running. Eli and I will help when we can on breaks and join in full time after we each retire.”

She let it soak in, and her chest suddenly felt heavy.

He was making plans for the future. Something she hadn’t yet given any thought to. Not that she was immature or didn’t want to
grow up, but with her health over the last couple of years, the future wasn’t a place she had dared let her mind wander to. To her, the future was six months out, not exactly the length of time that most people considered it to be. Before she could help it, the dark thoughts pulled her under.

“Em?”

“Yeah?”

“Everything is going to be okay, baby. I promise you.”

“Jesse, I love you. But that is something you can’t promise, not now…not ever.” She took a deep breath, pushing the fear aside again. “I’m fine, really.”

“You should come be our mechanic,” he said with a force and excitement in his voice that she knew was not meant to tease. It was as if a light had gone off, and it was obvious now. He was thrilled with his revelation and he was dead serious. “You and Joey would make a great team.”

He kept throwing comments out like that. Little pieces of himself, little hints of him wanting her in his future. There it was again, that damn word, taunting her. Mentioning words like
mine
,
home
, and
forever,
like they had already decided that together.

Emery had never been one of those girls that dreamt o
f wedding rings on a first date or that drew hearts around a boy’s name on her notebooks in school. Now especially, she lived in the moment, taking what she could get from Jesse, but not expecting more. At least that was how it had started out.

Her head always dismissed his comments, ideas and plans, giving him any one of her
sure, we’ll see
answers. So far, she’d had one for about every occasion. But. There was a tiny piece of her that got all tingly inside. Warm and gooey and half feeling like she was in high school with her first true love, when he included her in his plans and in his hopes and dreams.

“Oh, really?” Emery grinned. “My dad might fight you.”

“Okay, so after I retire, he’s on his own.” He pulled her hand to his mouth, kissing her knuckles. “We’re a package deal now. He’s got a few years before he has to worry about it, but when I retire, you come with me. What do you say?”

Yes!

She wanted to jump at the chance. Run off with him into the sunset, leaving reality behind. Emery wanted to be the girl that got the guy.

Her eye roll and half-
smirk gave her away. “We’ll see, cowboy.”

Chapter Fourteen

Jesse and Emery stood by the railing on the front porch, waving goodbye to Riley, Lauren, and the kids who had come for dinner. After the taillights disappeared, the two walked
back in, locking the front door and shutting off all the downstairs lights behind them.

Jesse followed Emery up the stairs off the kitchen. She turned on just a small lamp in her bedroom and immediately pulled her emerald green angora sweater over her head and laid it on the chair in the corner.

He smiled to himself, seeing her in a matching green lace bra. Emery walked toward the bathroom in her jeans and bra, obviously thinking nothing about the fact that she was turning him on, until she looked back to see him leaning against the doorway, watching her wiggle out of her jeans.

She started to chuckle. “What’s that look for?”

“Just watching you. You’re so beautiful, Em.”

He had finally gotten through to her not to argue back when he gave her compliments, but the bashful grin about turned him inside out. Jesse treasured those little sneak-peek moments when her vulnerability surfaced
before she could cover it up. She might be the strongest woman in the world to those around her—but he knew better, and he made it his job to protect that woman.

The emerald green lace against her fair skin and dark hair was absolutely stunning. She stood back up and turned to him
, and he thought he’d died and gone to heaven. He hadn’t admitted it to her yet, but he got a secret thrill every night that he helped her get undressed, not knowing which color she’d have on for him to take off.

“I had never really understood the fuss over
Victoria’s Secret, but I get it loud and clear now, sweetheart. I love all the matching lace.”

Jesse crossed the plush carpeted floor of her bedroom to the bathroom. He had to hold her now that she was down to mostly skin.

“You do, huh?”

He flashed his eyes wide, excited for what was to come.

“I’d never pegged you for a lingerie kind of guy, Frost,” she said as she pulled his dress shirt out of his jeans. She was teasing him and knew it as she started to slowly unbutton it one button at a time, and it was working.

“I never was a lingerie kind of guy before, but seeing you in it, well...” He sucked in a breath as she lowered her hands to the bottom of the shirt to undo the last button, letting her hands brush over his crotch more times than necessary for just removing a shirt.

She slid the dress shirt from his shoulders and laid it over the side of the tub. “I’ll hang on to this for future use.” She winked at him.

“Future use, huh? What if I only have one white dress shirt?” Jesse teased as his hand slid down to palm her lace covered butt.

“I bet my money that you have more than just one,” Emery said as she kissed his bare chest, then she laid her head against him and placed her hand on his heart. She took a deep breath and pulled him closer to her.

“You okay, baby?”

She nodded, letting out a breath, instead of her standard
I’m fine
. He knew her mind was on tomorrow, and he could sense fear really starting to set in.

“Let’s go get in bed, honey.” Jesse pulled back the thick comforter and helped her in, then went around to crawl in beside her. He pushed down his boxers and quiet
ly took off her bra and panties. Pulling her close to lie beside him, he held her head with one hand and gently stroked her arm with the other.

He hadn’t asked for too many details about what would actually take place during the tests. When she wasn’t talking about it, he didn’t want to bring it up, and when she did mention something, her face clouded
. Her brow scrunched and she’d take several deep breaths trying to get through whatever she was saying at the time, so he didn’t push. But now, fear was setting in, and he had no idea what to expect.

Finally after several moments, he kissed her forehead and asked again if she was all right.

“Can I let you in on a secret, Jesse?” She looked up at him in the dim lamp light he hadn’t turned off yet.

“Of course, honey.”

Her lip curled and terror washed across her face. “I don’t like needles.”

She might as well have stabbed him in the heart.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” Jesse replied, truly feeling her pain and trying not to get choked up.

He knew she was nervous about what the doctors might say and what the results would be. But he was so used to seeing her strong and in control, that it hadn’t ever crossed his mind that she might be afraid of the physical pain too. Suddenly her desperate reaction to his mother suggesting stitches for her head the other night made complete sense.

“I wish I could take your place, honey. What can I do?”

“Nothing.” Emery let out a shaky breath. “It shouldn’t be like what I originally went through with the tests and biopsies. But I just hate needles. I mean, I really,
really hate needles.”

“Will it be the same as what they did at the last checkup?”

“I don’t know. I assume it would have been, but with all the dizzy spells and now the passing out, I don’t have any idea what to expect.”

“I think that’s probably scari
ng you just as much as anything...the not knowing what they’ll do. I’m sorry, Em, I wish I could make it better.”

He’d broken things throughout his career, had a pin put in his wrist at one point and had a couple of concussions along the way. All of that combined paled in comparison to
how bad he hurt at that moment with Emery in his arms. Hurting for her. Hurting because he felt helpless. Hurting because he knew tomorrow was necessary, but wishing like hell it didn’t have to be.

“You are. Just being here with me is making it a lot better. Being able to talk to you is more than I can even tell you.” She kissed his chest.

Confused, he asked, “But before me, you’d talk to Riley, right?”

“Jesse…Riley.” She let out a breath. “No.” She glanced at him for a quick moment before lowering her eyes. “I never told Riley anything. I feel so guilty already, I can’t add to it.” Emery slowly tilted her chin up to him. “Jesse, did you ever hear why Rile
y retired, like around the pits? Surely you heard something?”

Her admittance could’ve knocked the wind out of him, but then she switched up the conversation on him. “No, I never did
, honey.”

“He retired because of me.”

“Em?” Jesse’s first instinct was to not believe that could be true, but her tone was so firm and resolute.

“It was at the end of the motocross series, and I remember that summer was really hot. Being in that heat really got to me, which it normally doesn’t. There were two weeks left in the outdoor season before the big break before SuperCross started. That was when a routine checkup came back bad. I went for more tests and…then we got the diagnosis back. After that
, everything was a blur. The next three months spun out of control, and the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital, then doing treatments. Riley should have been practicing, and he wasn’t and then…it was all over. He never went back.

“I stayed with him and Lauren when dad went back on the road with his team until I was able to move back here on my own. I assumed when I got to feeling better, we’d pick up where we’d left off, but the last year and a half has felt like I’ve been underwater. Everything moves around me
, and I can’t do anything. The first time I felt normal was when I worked on your bike that first night. I didn’t want to quit. I couldn’t. I felt like me again for the first time since before I got sick. I just couldn’t pull myself away from your bike, from the pits. It was like I’d walked back home after being gone for too long.”

“And you never told anyone how you felt?” Jesse
asked, feeling his stomach turn and his heart break. Thinking of all the pain and sadness that his girl had gone through tore him up. The fact she had gone through the deepest part alone about killed him.

“No. I couldn’t. Riley gave up everything to take care of me. I couldn’t complain that I was scared or hurting or sad. I just couldn’t. He has always stepped up to take care of me. I mean, we’ve always had dad or grandma and grandpa around, that isn’t what I mean, but he’s always been the one who has really taken care of me. He’s always been my best friend. Even after he and Lauren got married, she never tried to change that. But I couldn’t say anything. I already could see it in his face how scared he was.”

“But when you’re scared, you have to be able to tell someone, honey. You’ve taken on a huge weight with the guilt you have over him retiring. I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t want that for you. He loves you, Em, he would do anything for you.”

“I know. But he already did. He sacrificed so much for me. I couldn’t make it harder on him by needing him even more. I just couldn’t.”

“Honey, it’s no wonder you can’t get better. You’ve got so much emotion tied to getting sick. First with Collin and then you add the guilt.” He brushed the bangs out of her face gently. “We’re going to get you through this, I promise.”

“I know. Thank you, Jesse. For being here and understanding. Just everything, thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me. This is what I’m here for. You’re terrified, I can see it in your face, and I need you to see that it’s okay for you to be scared. You don’t have to hide it.” He stroked his finger over her soft cheek, but she didn’t answer. Sometimes her silence said more than words ever could. “Em, I’ll be there every step of the way, all right?”

She nodded silently and took a shaky breath in. “I love you, Jesse.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. Can I...” He paused, not sure how to ask. “I want to talk to you about something else.” He contemplated how to say it for several seconds, staring into her green eyes. The soft light from the lamp was enough for him to see the sparkle in them.

Worry lines on her forehead appeared. “You’re making me nervous.”

“It’s nothing to be nervous about, I promise.” He kissed her forehead to reassure her. “The timing of this isn’t very good, but—”

He didn’t miss how she stiffened in his hold.

“But what?” She breathed out.

“Baby, it’s fine.” Jesse smiled a gentle smile and stroked her cheek with his finger again. He should have known that sentence would freak her out.

“I want you to move in with me.” He could tell by the confused look she was trying to make sense of his words. “Em?”

Her brow furrowed even more. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you would move in with me. Like I said, the timing of it isn’t what I had in mind, but given the circumstances, I wanted to ask you tonight. I was planning on asking you to go with me to check on the house over the next break we get and see what kind of progress they’re making. I was going to ask you then, when you could see the house, and see the future with me. But with everything that has happened over the last few days, I wanted to…”

Jesse took a deep breath, hoping she would understand how much this meant to him—how much she meant to him.

“I want you to know how I feel before we know any test results, so you can be sure my intentions aren’t tied to those results. I wanted to wait to ask you to give you more time to get used to us being a couple, but well…life happened.”

Emery froze, staring up at him with wide eyes, not even blinking.

“Em?” He waited a few more seconds. “Breathe
,
honey!”

Letting out an audible whoosh of air, she blinked a few times then swallowed hard. “
Wow…Jesse?”

“Like I said, the timing is a little soon. I know you are trying to take this slow, but in my defense, you can look at it this way. Most couples see each other maybe once or twice a week when they’re dating if they’re into each other. And that could go on for a few months. That’s why it takes so long to get to know each other. But in our situation, we have been together every day, all day and all night for over six weeks. Well, if you do the math, that’s like ten or eleven months, we’ve just condensed it down.”

He knew he was starting to sound like a bumbling, nervous sixteen-year-old. There were just times when her silence scared the crap out of him. The more time that passed, the more nervous he started to get. Jesse needed this—needed her—and God, he needed to know that she realized what they had was a forever kind of love.

He let out a nervous chuckle. “Okay, you have to say something
...you’re killing me here.”

Emery’s eyes were still as wide as saucers. “You’ve thought about this?” she finally said with a shaky voice.

Only every day.

“Yeah, Em. After waking up with you that first morning, the few mornings you weren’t with me were never as good. They just plain sucked, even though I didn’t admit it because I didn’t want you to feel pressured.

“I like when you fall asleep in my arms and that you wake me up kissing my chest. I love that you’re by my side in the pits hanging out, and by my side at the gate when I take off. I like that we can lie on the couch and watch movies at night. And once the house is done, I want to be able to sit out on the big wrap-around porch at night on the porch swing with your head in my lap.”