It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (54 page)

We're in the green room and I do not exist. She says not a word to me. Mind you we've flown up from LA together, driven in a car together and are waiting to do a TV show. I'm not there.  She's on first and does her spot. I do mine and we share the sofa next to the host who I think was Allan Hamel. She couldn't have been nicer.... Complimentary... laughing... charming. The show ends, the camera shut off and like a light switch clicks in her head, she turns to stone.   I am no longer there.

Anyone who thinks show business is this huge family where we all sit around and sing White Christmas seriously needs to get shock treatments.

DECEMBER 20, 2006 -
A MARY WILLARD CHRISTMAS

WRITTEN 2:00 A.M  12/20

I have to know Fred and Mary Willard at least 35 years. We met through Randy Kirby (Durwood's son) then Mary and I went on to write sit-coms together.  The parties started for just a few close friends in Fred and Mary's two-bedroom apartment in Brentwood. It was a small two bedroom but it was a home, Mary made sure of that. And their daughter was the centerpiece of that home. Came Christmas time and Mary dressed up that little place like it was Buckingham Palace.  No matter what kind of money was coming in back then, Hope, their daughter, was always provided for at Christmas. Mary made sure of that and it wasn't easy on a starving actor's salary.

The party's were always fun. We'd laugh and carry on. I think it was at one of these parties that Hope sat on my lap and said, "Uncle Steve you have a big nose way out to here."  Everyone laughed and Fred, covering for what could be an embarrassing moment said, "Oh pay no mind to the child. She's only mimicking what everyone is saying."  I had my nose fixed four months later and have not let Hope forget it to this day.

Fred was always a gifted and talented actor. He was smart. His comedy was smart. There was always something special about him but being special in this town can be a detriment. "What do we do with him?"  The roles came little by little. There were lean years. He made a living but he wasn't a star. And then he got Fernwood Tonight. This changed everything. There was finally some money and Mary made the best of it. She bought their first home in Brentwood.  It was a wonderful ranch house with lots of room for parties.

That year the Christmas Party grew a bit. There were more celebrities because Fred had crossed over into the main stream of show business.  I would say there were about 40 to 50 people there and Mary, bless her soul, cooked for days. She made this apple thing that I loved. I don't even know how to explain it and there was always a ham or a turkey, lots of side dishes and wonderful desserts. But it was always about the people. This was a group of people that met once a year... at Fred and Mary's on Christmas. They were our connection, they still are.

We had some wonderful parties at the Brentwood house. One year Mary made Christmas cookies in the shape of stars. I put one on my lapel and screamed, "She's making all the Jews wear these!"  Fred happened to have the camera rolling and it has become a good laugh for us when we watch the tape. The years roll on and the party gets bigger and bigger as Fred worked more and more. One year I arrive at the party and I get a parking spot right out in front. This is so rare. I knock on the door, gifts in hand, and there is no answer. I look in the window and the house is dark. I know I have the date right but it appears that no one is there. Fred got a film and they flew to London and forgot to tell me the party was off. I got a lot of guilt dinners out of that one. 

The parties continued as the years marched on and then Fred and Mary moved from that house to their present location... which will remain a secret. Suffice to say, it's grand, huge back yard, tennis court, Olympic swimming pool and the most perfect party house on the face of the earth.  Mary took this Jewish Renaissance house and turned it into a New England charmer, with all the warmth of a real home, a lived in home that held books and places to snuggle up to and read. And... it had a guesthouse on the property larger than their two-bedroom apartment.

At this home the parties really matured. They became not so much a party as an annual event. People looked forward to them with great anticipation... and they were getting huge. The more Fred worked, the larger the party got. Mary was still cooking all the food. And one year she called me and said, "That's it, that's the last party. I can't do it any more."  I almost cried. She couldn't cut off my happiest day of the year... but it was becoming too much for her. And then... came... the caterer and Maria! Finally Mary could relax with the guests and enjoy the party with the rest of us and that's when it took its present form.

Let's start with the house. I don't even know how to describe it. It's Christmas but it's not obtrusive. Ya know how you go into someone's house and they've got Santa's Village, real size, in the living room and it has all the warmth of a  Macy's linen department? That's not what Mary's house is like, yet it takes her two months to decorate the place. She replaces pictures on the wall with Christmas scenes, she takes books off the shelf and puts Christmas books there, her lampshades are exchanged for red plaid, and her throw pillows are red and green. It's Christmas as you see it in those 40's movies, warm and inviting, not brass and commercial.

The party remains exactly the same year after year and this is how it goes.  It starts around seven p.m.; the dining room is set up with food. (In the old days if you got there late all there would be is turkey carcass. I usually got there late and there would be that bird picked clean and string beans. I said to Mary. "I don't think there's ever food. I just think you put out that carcass every year and say, "Look how much they ate.") The buffet lasts until about 8-8:30 and then the show starts. It's always the same. It starts with a play Mary writes.  Mary's an award-winning playwright and she writes this wonderful play about Christmas for the children at the party. It’s always about the children for Mary.

Oh! That reminds me. I have seen women come to the party pregnant and over the years watched their children grow. Tonight I asked one child how old he was. "Nine" was the answer. And all I could think of was "where does the time go?"  Back to the play, It's acted by some of Hollywood's funniest comedy actors, people who appear on The Simpsons or in movies with Fred. It is adorable and the kids love it.

Then we start the Christmas Carols. Fred, who either tells a story or has written some original material, always interrupts these songs. Just when you think the singing is over Joanne Worley knocks on the window from outside and Fred says to the crowd. "Oh my
God... looks who's here, Joanne Worley." She's been at the party for an hour, which makes it hysterical.  Joanne comes in with her piano player and says she just happened to be in the neighborhood and heard the singing. Fred asks her to sing a song and Joanne does an original material song every year.  It's a joy!

Next comes the piano player, Bill Larkin. Unless you have heard this guy do his comedy songs it is impossible to explain them to you. Just trust me when I say, he's been doing the exact same songs for at least ten years and each year I laugh harder and harder at them... and so do the rest of the crowd.  He is a brilliantly gifted musician and if there is a God, you will know his name some day.

Next comes the Jerry Lewis Choir... nine guys (myself included) who sing Silent Night a la Jerry Lewis. It's complete pandemonium.

Mary gets up and makes a speech and I am always throwing insults at her. She is the perfect straight woman and we get huge laughs. We then sing The Twelve Nights of Christmas. Mary splits everyone up into groups and a special person does FIVE GOLDEN RINGS.  When I say special I mean it's an honor. For the last couple years Bob Perlow has done it and he's very funny. Bob is the warm up guy at the Tonight Show.  Each time he would say FIVE GOLDEN RINGS he would find a funny way to do it, for instance one year he had me call him on his cell phone right as he was supposed to sing. It got screams. It's the highlight of the song and everyone waits for his part.

Paul Willson from CHEERS plays Silent Night on his violin and there isn't a dry eye in the house. And it's like that year after year, decade after decade. It's my Christmas constant. It's the thing I look forward to more than Christmas itself.  To me, it is Christmas.

This year the crowd included Catherine O'Hara, Harry Sheerer, Alan Thicke, Patrick Wayne, Mary Gross, writers from The Tonight Show and Saturday Night Live, Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer Simpson, comedians, actors, directors, writers... but for one night, they are not stars or show business people... for one night they are just people having a wonderful time at a wonderful party thrown by wonderful people.

DECEMBER 22, 2006 -
ROSIE ODONNELL

Becoming a star in the business of show takes many complicated steps. It's a mix of luck and talent... with the emphasis on luck. I have had every bad break one could imagine in trying to make a career.... I open for Donna Summer...she gets pregnant and goes off the road.  I open for Seals and Crofts...they break up. I get a contract with The MGM Grand...it burns to the ground... I get a series with Tina Turner...she decides not to do it. The only thing that I have not  done is ride in the car with Kennedy.

In 1985 I was riding high. I had just come back from Australia where I had starred in a show for three months. In a career it's always important for the next step and my next step was doing more TV. David Letterman and I had been friends from the early Comedy Store days but David had gone to New York and not worthy me wasn't comfortable, unlike all my comedy friends, in calling him and asking to get on the show.  Instead, I had my agents set up an audition in New York. I was going to be a gentleman about it rather than bother Dave.  In order to do this I had to be booked in New York. The only booking I could get for the week Letterman wanted to see me was opening act for Rosie O'Donnell at Caroline's.  Now Rosie wasn't a TV star then, she was a club act with a good reputation... just like I was, so in fact, the show would be two headliners.  I thought it was a good idea and I accepted the gig.

The Letterman Show is contacted and they are coming opening night. Rosie is the draw or not the draw as the case would be... the club is 3/4 empty.  In a club that seats 250, maybe...maybe there were 25 people. Of those 25 people 13 were leather wearing, tool loving, tattoo wearing lesbians with an attitude. NOT MY CROWD.

So I get on stage opening night, with the booker from the Letterman show in this empty room, and I do my act...to no one but lesbians. Silence. End of story for the Letterman audition.  It gets back to me through George Miller and Tom Dreesen that the booker told David, "He wasn't funny."  And this is how my career has gone from day one. One night at The Comedy Store the Tonight Show came in to see me. Right in the middle of my act a guy stands up right in front of me and screams..."YOU SUCK" and was so drunk they had to throw him and his entire party out.

I resign myself to the fact that Letterman Show would not be on my agenda and move on. The rest of the week the crowds get bigger, we have a "commercial" crowd...or... normal people in the audience and my shows are great. The Letterman Show did not see any of those shows. Naturally.  The whole point of the story is this, Rosie and I get to know each other that week. I found her to be a very warm and kind person. She's funny as shit and very complimentary to me about my show. She's very open about being gay and tells me about her lover at the time and how hard it was for her to keep a relationship because she was just about to take a job on VH 1 as a VJ but her lover wanted to stay in LA.  My entire experience with her was very positive.  I felt close to her as a friend even though I wasn't.

Rosie gets the job as a VJ and parlays it into her own comedy show on VH-1. I think it was called Comedy Spotlight...but I'm not sure. The show consists of Rosie doing stand up followed by three guest comedians. It was a very popular show. The second year into the show I get a call from Rosie, would I do her show? I couldn't say yes fast enough and I do it. I do the show and again Rosie couldn't be nicer. I watch her set and it's hysterical. I tell her how funny she is and she's self-deprecating and humble. I do my set and it goes very well. Rosie asks me back for a second and then third time. Each time she could not have been nicer, kinder, funnier.

Rosie is one of the smartest women in comedy. She has taken her talent and used it to go from one step to the next. You have to be hard in this business. If you're not hard and hold on to your dream you are pulled in sixteen directions by people who want to tell you what they think your career should be all about. Basically, it's all based on money and how what you are doing is affecting their pocket. Rosie never let those people bother her. She had an eye on a goal and she headed for it. Nothing was going to stop her.  I, on the other hand, would let anyone tell me anything and would listen to them. It's all about self-esteem and self worth. When you don't have any, it's easy to be swayed. Unfortunately, if you are a woman and know what you want you are labeled a "bitch." A man is difficult or crazy... a woman is a bitch. Nice huh?  The more successful Rosie got the tougher she got, the tougher she got the more flack she took, the more flack she took the harder her skin got and so on and so on until she became the person she is today. Basically, under all that tough exterior is a kind, warm, wonderful person.