It's So Hard To Type With A Gun In My Mouth (24 page)

I'm like, "Look... a Laker." Richard says, "You mean Lakers." And he points. The entire Laker team is seated at tables around the pool. Then Monica takes me inside to see Penny's collection of Sports Memorabilia... it looked like the back room the Smithsonian. I've never seen so many signed baseballs, basketballs and footballs in my life. Each one is in it's own Plexiglas case. I say, "Who dusts all this crap." Monica just stares at me.  While I'm ogling the collection LARRAINE NEWMAN comes over and just stands there. I don't recognize her at first, she finally says, "Steve?" and I come out of my coma. She's standing with LYNN STEWART and CINDY WILLIAMS.  I see TRACEY ULLMAN; I've gone to Comedy Heaven.

The room is packed so Monica takes me upstairs. "That's the table John Balushi passed out on." I'm starting to freak out. This is Hollywood like you think Hollywood is supposed to be. When I tell you every single name in town was there... I wouldn't be lying. It looked like the Players Directory had exploded and landed in Penny's back yard.

OK, so here's how I think. With this huge crowd I'll bet things are going to get stolen. I immediately look for "perps". I'm at the biggest party of the year and I'm looking for shoplifters. I think I see someone, putting something in his pocket; it's BARRY DILLER. Fuck, it's Barry Effing Diller.  He was putting WARREN BEATTY's card in his pocket as ANNETTE BENNING watches.

Now I start seeing people I see at the WILLARD'S party; MICHAEL MCCHEON and DAVID L. LANDER (Lenny and Squiggy) and Michael's wife, ANNETTE O'TOOLE.  PETER BOYLE walks by. "Hey Steve."

Monica has written most of ALBERT BROOKS's films. (The good ones) We chat with him. JIM BROOKS is standing talking to JIM BELUSHI. I'm freaking out. I turn to  Monica, "Why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this!!!" "I tried, honey, would you believe me?"

No I wouldn't have believed her, this is the kind of party that you only hear about on EXTRA. MICHELLE PFEIFFER is joking with JON LOVITZ when I spot TOM HANKS. Now Tom's wife Rita and I were in an acting class together. RITA WILSON waves at me. Monica says. "You know Rita Wilson?"  At this point in the evening it starts becoming blasé... "Oh look DANNY DIVITO AND RHEA PERLMAN."  Yawn.

Like in any party the people split off into groups... only these groups were like Saturday Night Live Stars, A-list film directors and People with Oscars.  And it goes on like this for hours. At one point I just sit down and watch as the parade of stars passes by. It becomes surreal, everywhere you look there is someone you know from either TV, Film or Sports. And I'm not talking about supporting players. I'm talking about Stars.  I'm introduced to CARRIE FISHER AND PENNY MARSHALL; they looked really beautiful.  I wish them both a Happy Birthday as they look past me to more important guests.

Monica and I stay about three hours and we've had enough. Our group of friends is leaving when JOHN TRAVOLTA walks in with his entourage.  We duck out.  In the car I say to Monica, "Now I can die happy."  And Monica says, "Don't die yet Steve. Maybe they'll have the party again next year."

Post Script

I sent Monica the rough draft of my Penny Marshall entry. Here is the email she sent me back.

"Hi honey...sometimes I forget who was at which party, but most are there at most the parties...on Penny's side, anyone who she or Garry ever directed in a movie...Julia Roberts, Rosie O'Donnell, Madonna, Richard Gere, Danny Devito, Robert De Nero, Robin Williams. Denzel Washington (I know he was there when we were because I'm mad for him, he did Preachers Wife for Penny) also Whitney Houston was there. Almost all the comics, except I never saw Letterman or Carson. Barry Diller, Tony Danza.Wasn't Streisand at ours? She's been there many times...Robert Redford, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Britney Murphy, Ron Howard (think about it, between Garry and Penny they've discovered or hired everyone who is working in Hollywood) then let's see...rappers I don't know, Lionel Ritchie, Debbie Reynolds, what's his name Goulet? Lorne Michaels, Harrison Ford, Hector Alizondo, Matt Dillion and of course, Carrie has been famous since she was born, so just about anyone you can think of.... I saw Liz once, I saw Eddie Fisher. Marcia Straussman, (Gabe Kaplan's wife from Welcome Back Kotter) tons of musicians that we don't recognize. Donna Karen, Richard Avedon, the model from American next top model. Oh yeah, Tyra Banks. . Christy Brinkley, Henry Winkler, Ron Pearlman, Ellen Barkin, Sam Simon, Art Garfunkle. Oh yeah, for sure I saw Garry Shandling and Alan Zweibell...Lowell and Babbalo, Jerzey Kazinski, Shirley McLain, Warren, Annette Banning Simon, Paul...George Carlin, and so many of these would be at this one since it was supposedly the last...Pesci, the star of Goodfellas whose name I cant think of but who is so sexy...Lorraine Bracco, all the Sopranos, Bruce Willis, Billy Joel...I'll try more, but Steve it is endless...I have seen just about every star there, Burt Reynolds, Sally Field (not together ) James Woods, Monica Bella, Rosanne Barr, Laurie Petty. Doris Roberts.... can't think of more, but if I do I'll send. Xx"

Then came the following:

"I'm positive Mariah Carrey was at this one... and don't forget the whole English group...the guy from Silence of the Lambs. Nicole Kidman, oh yeah, Jim Carrey, the Wayans, the guy who throws phones that was in Ron Howard's movie A Beautiful Mind...Trudi Skyler, and Sting.  Phil (he's famous, had band and then went on his own.) you would know his name he's huge. Ringo Starr too, and. oh yeah, Mick Jagger and oh God, it's everyone. Oh, Bob Woodward. Leo Decaprio and that model from Germany? The guy who played Spiderman was there at ours for sure, he stepped on my foot.... Steve Jobs. Paul Allan. I think that's all honey. And put my brother in Jerry Belson, and Jo Ann Harris. (She was in Clint Eastwood's movies)"

I have to admit something to all of you.... sometimes being in show business is a lot better than working at Target. This was one of those times.  LOL

P.P.S.  We lost Monica to Cancer about a year ago. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her and her insane sense of reality. She saw only the good in people except for the ones she hated.  She would be the first to buy this book… and she would be so proud that I finally got it published. I miss her. I miss her a lot.

JULY 19, 2006 -
MIKE DOUGLAS

OK and now back to the depressing shit. You've had your moment of joy; let's get back to the stuff that makes you want to suck tail pipes.

The day after I learned that I was not the father of my child. (Nice opening line, no? Makes you want to go running through a field of land mines) My managers decide that I should be kept busy working, God forbid he miss his 15% and so they booked me on The Mike Douglas Show. I had done the show several times; it was an easy booking and in theory it was a great idea, "keep him occupied."  In reality it was the worst thing they could have done. Why didn't they just give me a toaster in the shower? I was falling apart in big chunks. All you had to do was look at me and you could tell, a man who cries when the light turns red is not someone who should be flying.  I was, shall we say, less than stable. Charles Manson had a better grip on reality.

I tell my agent I'm worried about this gig because I won't be able to sleep on the plane. He gives me a pill. I needed a straight jacket; he gives me a pill.  I never learned what the little beauty was but was told to take it when they announced boarding. This was the first mistake; you don't send a nervous break down to LAX with instructions.

That night I'm sitting at the airport. My head's in a good space, I'm like, "I could throw myself into that jet engine. I don't think they'll mind." I'm overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions, anger, fear, anxiety, hate. Aren't those the seven dwarfs?  I've lost what was supposed to be the ideal life and now I'm supposed to make the world laugh on TV.  I hold on to the pill for dear life. Suddenly there is an announcement. "Ladies and gentleman. Flight 266 nonstop service from Los Angeles to Philadelphia..." and I get up and take the pill. "Has been delayed two hours."  FUCK.   The clock ticks away and I feel nothing. The pill has not worked. How emotionally shut down do you have to be to have illegal drugs not take affect?  I think I'm going to sit up all night and then have to do a TV show, which, in reality, was the last thing I wanted to do. What I wanted to do was lie down on the San Diego Freeway and let rush hour kill me.  One hour and forty-five minutes later there is another announcement. "We are ready to pre-board flight 226 non stop to Philadelphia." "And now our first class passengers..." That's me. I reach over to get my shoulder bag from under my seat. Suddenly the ceiling is where the floor should be and vise versa. Then my legs fill with Jello and fingers turn numb.  I flop over on the floor like I've been shot with a tranquilizer gun.  (Reader's note)  THE PILL HAD WORKED.

I'm flying and the plane hasn't even left the gate. I am stoned. There are no two ways around it. Finally, my agent came through.  I have to pull myself together or else they won't let me fly. Being a comedian I make a joke about "rough seas". I get myself up and focus, "You're ten feet from the loading ramp. YOU CAN DO THIS!" I turn on the stoner's autopilot; it guides me to my seat. I'm on the aisle. That's all I remember. I got to my seat and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

About three hours later I wake up. The woman sitting next to me says, "Well you're a sound sleeper." "Huh? Why?" "My husband had to go to the bathroom and we tried to wake you. You didn't move. We called the stewardess; she called the Captain. We thought you were dead." "Oh?" Is all I could get out "I was really tired" (And totally stoned out of my mind) I later learned I had been introduced to my first whole Quaalude, an introduction that would lead to many, many nights asleep on the kitchen floor.

So I get to Philly, the limo driver picks me up and notices something is wrong. Maybe it was the drool. They all know me because I've done the show before only this time I'm very quiet and to myself. As I remember we drove right to the studio and got into make-up. The segment producer goes over my material and ok'd it. I'm holding it together by a thread. I'm in wardrobe and we're ten minutes from air. It's live. I'm opening the show after Mike does his monologue and first segment. I'm standing backstage, my heart is pounding and I'm running lines in front of the curtain. I have to go out there and make this audience laugh; my heart is breaking and I'm on the residual effects of the finest drug Johnson and Johnson ever made. 

Mike has started my intro when the segment producers comes up to me and puts her arm around my shoulder,  "Here we go." I straighten my suit jacket. And then she innocently says, "Aren't you going to kiss your baby's picture?" Up until this day, my ritual before I went on stage was to kiss Jan's picture for good luck. She didn't know about the paternity and so was asking a logical question. However, what it did was hit me in the face with a shovel 10 seconds before going out in front of the cameras. "And now here's Steve Bluestein". 

I have the videotape of the show on a reel somewhere. I walk out of the curtain and it's like I'm about to burst into tears. I'm doing my routine while fighting to hold it together. The audience is laughing and I'm crying. It was one of those moments that they write in movies and people say, "Shit like that doesn't happen."  OH guess again Gunga Din.

I got back to LA that night and continued to work in the weeks that followed. The powers that be felt I needed to be kept busy. They were taking care of the outside; I needed them to take care of the inside. I began a downward spiral that ended with me in the hospital, probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I had to stop and reassess my life. And all these years later I can tell you everything happens for a reason. I needed a good kick in the ass and that hospital stay was it.

OK, so now that you're all happy and up from that rollicking romp through TV memorabilia, let's all make a pact to meet for the suicide prevention convention.  I am remembering things that I haven't thought of in years. I'm getting them all out and hopefully put in a place where I won't have to deal with them ever again.  It's all as it should be.

JULY 20, 2006 -
CANDID CAMERA

I think I've given my memory a colonic. All of a sudden I'm remembering all this crap. This one is going to be a long one, take off your shoes and relax; there is lots of back-story.

BACK STORY

I went to Emerson College with a lot of people who became famous, Henry Winkler and Andrea Martin just to name a few. There was also Vinnie DiBona. Vinnie was two years ahead of me but we hung with the same crowd. Emerson is like a mafia family; once you're in it you're in for life. And, when you meet someone from Emerson it's like you've met a long lost relative.

Vinnie had had a lot of success locally in Boston and had come out to LA to try his luck in the big time. It was about the time Henry was Fonzie and was world famous. It was also about the time I found out Jan was not my son and I was  I’m eating pablum through a . I don't remember how but Vinnie and I connected and I told him what had happened in my marriage and he said, "It's a movie". I had never thought about it like that it was just too painful but he was right. It was a movie. And I sat down and wrote a treatment called "MEN CRY TOO."  A few weeks later I gave it to Vinnie. He loved it and immediately started taking it around town.